The Coming Of The Dastardly Judd Garrett
Wade: Finally! Memorial Day weekend is just round the corner. I don’t care what the Bossman says. I don’t care if there’s still work on the desk. Come tomorrow, at 5PM sharp, I am out of here. Gone, partner! I’m takin’ Friday off and makin’ a daggum four-day weekend of it! Damn right! And I’m not gonna do a darn thing. I’m just gonna stay home and work on the ol’ boat. The girl could use a fresh coat of varnish. Yup, I reckon I’ll have myself a nice, long weekend of doing nothing at all.
Best of all, I don’t hear any rumbling coming from outside my door. None whatsoever! That crazy asshole is busy with the CBA, so I know there’s NO WAY he’s coming through that door right now.
(door flies open)
Garrett: Hmm. Oh dear. Seems a stray whale has become trapped in this office! Oh, heavens! The stench from the ambergris would drown Melville in eternal sorrow! Call me Repulsed!
Wade: What do you want, you big jerk?
Jason: Wade Phillips, it is my distinct pleasure to introduce to you, and the many satellites orbiting around your body, the new assistant director of player personnel for the Dallas Cowboys…
(door flies open)
Judd: My God, dear brother. You told me many tales of The Great Thing. But nothing could prepare me for encountering the beast in person! So very hideous! I shall need a snifter of Harvey’s Bristol Cream at once to ward off the pant fumes!
Wade: Jesus. You have a brother?
Jason: Yes. Indeed. Isn’t it grand? Finally, I have someone to bounce ideas off of.
Judd: Indeed. I bet when you bounce ideas off that leviathan, they ricochet all the way to Montpellier!
Jason: Ha ha ha!
Judd: Ha ha ha!
Jason: Ha ha ha!
Judd: Ha ha ha!
Jason: Ha ha ha!
Judd: Ha ha ha!
Jason: Say, dear brother, do you remember the time we were at our Eating Club at Princeton, and we ATE?
Judd: Oh, yes. We feasted upon strawberries and laughed at all those Depression-era Jacob Riis photos of homeless people!
Jason: What a fabulous pursuit!
Judd: Indeed! That was a very good eating, indeed!
Wade: I wish you people would stop saying “indeed” all the time.
Jason: Oh, what would you know of high culture, you over-inflated dirigible?
Judd: Yes, what Eating Club were you in, my good man? I bet you’re honorary chairperson of the Subway Club, yes?
Wade: Shut up.
Jason: Never you mind him, dearest Judd. He knows nothing of proper eating. Only a Princeton man can truly appreciate the rewards of collective ingestion.
Judd: Indeed. I’m assuming the only company he keeps while eating is with his giant sense of shame.
Wade: What do you two big jerks want?
Jason: Oh, we’re just here to throw you out of your office.
Wade: What?!
Jason: Yes, my good man. I’m afraid this office has been reassigned as the sole, exclusive province of the assistant director of player personnel. And that would be…
Judd: Why, that would be me, my brother!
Jason: Why, you are correct, my brother!
Judd: How delightful!
Jason: How lovely!
Judd: (twirls lacrosse stick) We should have a good eating to celebrate the occasion!
Jason: Yes, this most certainly calls for a good, substantive eating!
Wade: Well, where the heck am I moving?
Jason: Well, you see, old Mrs. McCleary in ticketing retires at the end of next year. So, until her departure, you’ll be sharing her cubicle with her. Actually, it’s less a cubicle and more of a… movable overhead projector trolley. But you’ll finally have someone to TALK to! Won’t that be nice?
Wade: No, no, no. That won’t do. I need more space!
Jason: No doubt about that.
Wade: Well, who signed off on this?!
(door flies open)
Jerry: YEEEEEEEEHAAWWWWWW!!!!!! WILD BUCKIN BUCKFUCKAROO!!!!!
Wade: Fuck.
Jerry: How’s it going, Fatty? I see you’ve been doing your KUGEL EXERCISES! How do you like my new boy JUUUUUDD? Isn’t he a goddamn STAR?
Wade: He’s very nice.
Jerry: HE’S A FUCKING STAR, CHUBBA HO-TEP! I got me TWO Princeton boys now. That’s one, two… TWO GODDAMN PRINCETON BOYS! I tell ya, we’re fifty times smarter than those faggots in New England. You know Bill Belichick went to Wesleyan, Tubby? A GODDAMN GIRL’S SCHOOL! No one’s ever gonna outfox ol’ DOUBLE-J again!
Wade: Sir, I cannot possibly move my office. I have countless files that I need to keep on hand.
Jerry: Calm down, Butterfuoco. I know how much you loooove collecting take-out menus. But my boy JUUUUUDD needs the room! So I expect you to stay here packing up ALL WEEKEND LONG, and have your shit outta here by daybreak Tuesday!
Wade: But it’s Memorial weekend, sir!
Jerry: Oh, really? Gonna build a double bacon cheeseburger memorial in your yard, are ya, Captain Cottage Cheese? You know ya can always order another, don’t ya? THE DOUBLE-J DOESN’T CARE! You’re here to work, little piggy mule! SO WORK!
Wade: God dammit.
Judd: Say Mr. Jones, would you care to join us for an eating?
Jason: Indeed! We were just going to go somewhere with nice wood paneling and Tiffany lamps, and sit down for a proper, afternoon eating. Won’t you join us?
Jerry: Well, that sounds downright elegant, Judd and Jason. I KNEW I MADE THE RIGHT MOVE HIRIN’ YOU TWO!
Wade: But sir…
Jerry: No buts. Now you butter up that fat ass of yours and get movin’! And leave the staple remover! That’s my boy’s now! You’ll just have to chew your staples out like the rest of the fatties!
Wade: I hate this place.
Jerry: NOW LET’S DO SOME OF THAT FANCY EATING! THEN WE CAN FIND SOME OUTLAW PUSSY! YEEEEEHAWWWWW!!! WOOOO HOOOOOOO I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!!
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, eating, fat people, i hate moving anything anywhere, if you went to Princeton and you're a redhead you're pr, wade and jerry, written just for FMRA
May 21st, 2008 at 2:50 pm
+1 for the use of ambergris. Also, Chubba Ho-Tep? Yeah, that’s gonna get used a LOT this weekend.
May 21st, 2008 at 2:57 pm
Is that the press photo of Judd from Half Baked 2?
May 21st, 2008 at 2:59 pm
Princeton boy ended a sentence with a preposition.
May 21st, 2008 at 3:05 pm
if you went to Princeton and you’re a redhead you’re pr
Pr-? Don’t leave us hanging.
Prickish?
Pre-Douchebag?
Practically a boorish Yalie?
Privately known as “Ginger Balls”?
May 21st, 2008 at 3:07 pm
“obably a dick”
May 21st, 2008 at 3:14 pm
Is it bad these things make me feel more and more sorry for wade phillips each time I read them?
May 21st, 2008 at 3:17 pm
@Otto, princetonian?
May 21st, 2008 at 3:18 pm
Cottage cheese is DELICIOUS
May 21st, 2008 at 3:20 pm
@bmbmd
I was going to say the same thing you commented on.
May 21st, 2008 at 3:21 pm
“obably a dick”
So, all of the above. Gotcha.
@Otto, princetonian?
No, I got my book learnin’ at a state school.
And by “state school,” I mean a GED course at a state penitentiary.
May 21st, 2008 at 3:23 pm
Well, if it isn’t the Sideshow Bob and Cecil of pro football!
May 21st, 2008 at 3:24 pm
I’d say it’s more like the Patrick and Don Swayzw
May 21st, 2008 at 3:24 pm
@Otto, I didn’t see BDD reply. I was trying to be funny and failed.
May 21st, 2008 at 3:25 pm
* Swayze
May 21st, 2008 at 3:28 pm
Heh. Hehe. Heheheh.
Nailed it. Right down to the wood paneling, the Tiffany lamps, and the open mockery of fat people.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s time for my afternoon eating.
/dons Lilly Pulitzer dress
/spits on townie
May 21st, 2008 at 3:30 pm
Doesn’t anyone open a door quietly in Dallas?
Every bastard in the franchise kicks a door open before they come storming in.
Nobody does anything half ass.
May 21st, 2008 at 3:35 pm
@Otto Man
-raying you don’t somehow end up an Exeter alumnus?
May 21st, 2008 at 3:37 pm
“The four years of CLOWN COLLEGE???”
“I’ll thank you not to refer to Princeton that way!”
May 21st, 2008 at 3:39 pm
Gotcha, UU.
May 21st, 2008 at 3:42 pm
I’d just like to point out there’s also a third brother on the Cowboy’s staff who’s name also starts with a J and graduated from Princeton…
/really wondering if that link will work…
May 21st, 2008 at 3:44 pm
Poo. Well, let’s try this.
May 21st, 2008 at 3:46 pm
Dat Nguyen has a job???
May 21st, 2008 at 3:50 pm
“You’ll just have to chew your staples out like the rest of the fatties!”
OK, now that one took the cake (not as fast as poor Wade though.)
My god, now he’s going to be tormented by two flaming readheads.
Do Jason and Judd sound like Frazier and Niles Crane or is it me?
May 21st, 2008 at 3:53 pm
*Redheads not readheads – FUCK
May 21st, 2008 at 3:57 pm
@futuremrs: UVA will fight you over the cliche of wearing Lilly dresses, thank you very much. But I’ll be sure to bring one of mine to Boston with me, to be sure I fit in at your club. Since we certainly won’t be drinking our faces off at dive bars and baseball games.
May 21st, 2008 at 4:21 pm
Jason: Ha ha ha!
Judd: Ha ha ha!
Jason: Ha ha ha!
Judd: Ha ha ha!
Jason: Ha ha ha!
Judd: Ha ha ha!
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Oh, dear. One’s caught in a loop, and the other’s an idiot.
May 21st, 2008 at 4:24 pm
(twirls lacrosse stick)
Well played.
May 21st, 2008 at 4:25 pm
I think the Garretts should speak with the voices of those fey chipmunks from old Looney Tunes cartoons. They made Bugs in a dress look butch.
/ showing advancing age
May 21st, 2008 at 4:37 pm
*Redheads not readheads
I thought it was redheads not warheads, blondes not bombs, brunettes not fighter jets?
May 21st, 2008 at 4:53 pm
Jebus, one looks like Howdy Doody, the other one looks like he should be running from villagers holding torches. What could a third one look like? (clicks link) Hmm, actually, not bad. Must not be related.
Man, seeing that front office staff, I really do feel bad for Wade now. Can you imagine working with not only fucking crazy Jerry Jones, but apparently, every one of his goddam offspring? I wish my dad had been rich so I could be assured of a lifetime of secure employment.
May 21st, 2008 at 4:53 pm
Not that there’s anything wrong with redheads, BTW. Sometimes they’re hot. These two, not so much.
May 21st, 2008 at 4:55 pm
I would like to see Romo interact in one of these someday.
(after reading this for some reason I wondered what Bill Parcels is doing right now)
May 21st, 2008 at 5:11 pm
@Otto
Ooh it’s got to be Sweet 16s not M-16s
/Flight of the Mark Chmura’d
May 21st, 2008 at 5:18 pm
@ Slash From John Garrett’s bio… His father, Jim, spent 38 years as either a scout or assistant coach in the NFL, and 21 of those years were as a member of the Dallas Cowboys scouting staff. Garrett’s brother Jason enjoyed an 11-year career as a back-up quarterback in the NFL and is now the offensive coordinator for the Dallas Cowboys. His brother Judd is the tight ends coach with the St. Louis Rams, while a third brother, Jim, is the offensive coordinator at the University School in Cleveland, Ohio.
Yikes…Poor Wade, have a cookie.
May 21st, 2008 at 5:53 pm
I wasn’t expecting to see ambergris and Jakob Riis in one post. What about the chocolate peanut butter cup?
May 21st, 2008 at 5:53 pm
If I had to guess….Cap and Gown.
May 21st, 2008 at 6:32 pm
@BDD
With all the youngsters playing Lacrosse right now, it will soon making a push towards dethroning one of the 3 major sports in the US.
/espn commentator
May 21st, 2008 at 6:35 pm
Nice catch, Naptown.
“Oh you sexy hermaphrodite lady-man ladies
With your sexy lady bits and your sexy man bits, too
Even you must be in to you.”
May 21st, 2008 at 6:37 pm
I really hope that Jerry Jones refers to himself only as “The Double-J” in real life. In fact, I refuse to believe otherwise.
May 21st, 2008 at 6:46 pm
My team, the Minnesota Vikings, once had another Texas Madman running the show. He was a used car tycoon named Red McCombs and he probably carried two six-shooters with him at all times. The Rich Texan character in “The Simpsons” isn’t that much of an exaggeration.
May 21st, 2008 at 6:50 pm
Myron: That’s MY shit, yo!
And big, meaty jock types? Yup. Had ‘em in droves.
May 21st, 2008 at 7:09 pm
Do you think we could find a spot for Charlotte Anderson in all this.
After all, the Dallas Cowboys have enabled her to assume a position of leadership for women in American professional sports.*
* she doesn’t look half bad in the picture.
May 21st, 2008 at 7:28 pm
RE Spanky Datass Says:
K, so he must have gotten the attractive genes, not the creepy ones.
Still, Wade is surrounded by those J-name motherfuckers. The Joneses, those Garrett dudes…. Damn.
May 21st, 2008 at 9:10 pm
Kugel exercises? Did you mean ‘Kegel’, or are you really so smart to create a joke about fatty’s exercise regimen including the eating of kugel?
May 21st, 2008 at 9:27 pm
Did you mean ‘Kegel’, or are you really so smart to create a joke about fatty’s exercise regimen including the eating of kugel?
I am just that smart. I’mma blow yer mind with fat jokes, people.
May 21st, 2008 at 11:30 pm
Don’t you mean Leinenkugel exercises?
May 22nd, 2008 at 1:59 am
The line about Wesleyan… wow. Positively top notch.
May 22nd, 2008 at 12:58 pm
@Shinons:
Beat me to it.
With THREE Princeton boys on staff, Jerry is obviously making a run at world domination.
May 22nd, 2008 at 8:52 pm
This is still the best written feature on the site. So good.
May 23rd, 2008 at 9:35 am
Did you mean ‘Kegel’, or are you really so smart to create a joke about fatty’s exercise regimen including the eating of kugel?
All this time I thought noodle casserole would give me better orgasms.