The Adventures Of Matt Leinart And Nick Lachey: Douchebags In Crime! Episode 1: The House Party
(at a party)
Random Girl: Oh no! No one’s showing up to my party! Omigod, I planned this house party for weeks! I made guacamole, bought all kinds of booze, made sangria, and decorated the house in an island theme. I even strung up the chili pepper lights. And no one’s here! I feel so rejected. Where is everyone? I invited 200 people, for God’s sake. Someone’s gotta walk through that door.
(door flies open)
Matt: BRAH!
Nick: BRAH!
Matt: Brah, this party sucks, brah!
Nick: I knah, brah!
Random Girl: Omigod, thank GOD you guys showed up!
Matt: Brah, where’s the vodkah? I need some vodkah, brah!
Nick: And some cranberry juice to go with it, brah!
Random Girl: I have that! I have a handle of Skyy right here. I got it just for you two.
Matt: Nah, brah. Nah, brah. I need Ketel One, brah! (gets text message) Brah! I got a text message! Someone’s texting me, brah!
Nick: Who it is, brah?!
Matt: It’s Angelah, brah! She’s having a fiestah, brah! LET’S GO GET MOJITAHS, BRAH!
Nick: Brah, that’s a fucking plan, brah!
Matt: BRAH!
Nick: BRAH!
Random Girl: No, wait! You can’t leave! You just got here. Please. I’ll do anything to get you to stay.
Matt: Really, brah?
Nick: For shizzle, brah?
Random Girl: ANYTHING.
Matt: Brah, she’s good to gah, brah!
Nick: I nah, brah! She’s not wearing a brah, brah!
Matt: Brah, who gets to hook up with her first, brah?
Nick: Brah, brah. Gotta flip a coin, brah!
Matt: Brah, I don’t wanna be in her vaginah after you’ve been her vaginah, brah! That would make me gay, brah!
Nick: She needs a friend, brah!
Matt: Yeah, brah. You need to find a friend.
Random Girl: My friend Leona’s on her way over?
Matt: Is she hawt, brah? Because I only hook it with hot chicks, brah.
Random Girl: She’s pretty.
Matt: (outraged) Pretty? BRAAAHHH!!!
Nick: Nah nah, brah!
Random Girl: Wait, wait! I have another friend, Gina. She’s smoking hot.
Matt: Whatevah, brah. She battah show up, brah. (gets text message) Brah, I got another text message, brah!
Nick: BRAH!
Matt: Let’s wait for this Ginah while we figure out a plan, brah. This music sucks, brah!
Random Girl: What music do you like?
Matt: GAVIN DEGRAH, BRAH!
Nick: YEAH, WE WANT DEGRAH, BRAH!
Matt: Or Jason Mraz, brah. Mraz and I are brahs, brah.
Nick: But not as good a brah as me, right brah?
Matt: No way, brah! You’re my best brah, brah!
Random Girl: Okay, I’ll change the music.
Matt: And order some food, brah! And get an ice luge in here, brah! I want some Fiah watah, brah! And get some ATV’s in here, brah!
Random Girl: Okay, I’ll order it all now (orders it all). Hey, where are you guys going? I just threw down $5,000 for that stuff you wanted.
Matt: Gotta gah, brah!
Nick: Yeah, brah! We’re gonnah go to Vegas and hit a casinah, brah! C’mon brah, let’s hop in my Carerrah, brah!
Random Girl: I can’t believe this! You two are just a couple flaky, vacuous douchebags!
Matt: Konichiwah, brah!
Random Girl: This is the worst night of my life.
Nick: BRAH!
Matt: BRAH!
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, brah, douchebags, I had a housewarming party once and three people came, LA douchebags are a special breed, The Adventures Of Nick And Matt
May 12th, 2008 at 10:29 am
This needs to be merged with the adventures of Kurt’n'Kitna.
May 12th, 2008 at 10:40 am
This post makes me want to destroy the world.
May 12th, 2008 at 10:41 am
The only way I would vote for that merger is if Kurt and Kitna murdered Nick and Matt.
May 12th, 2008 at 10:42 am
“LA douchebags are a special breed” is the truest tag I’ve read in months. Bravah brah.
May 12th, 2008 at 10:44 am
I blame college.
May 12th, 2008 at 10:44 am
Article needs some variety, like Brohymm, Broseph, or Borhammad.
May 12th, 2008 at 10:51 am
help I just forgot how to do math
May 12th, 2008 at 10:56 am
Zuter you’re assuming Matt and Nick are smart enough to come up with something besides “brah.” It’s ok, we all make mistakes, brah
May 12th, 2008 at 10:57 am
I like the new entry, but I’m surprised we didn’t see a single [pops collar] in there.
May 12th, 2008 at 11:00 am
This is what Braylon Edwards was talking about when he said “what he does Monday through Friday.”
May 12th, 2008 at 11:02 am
This sounds a lot like being stuck on an elevator in one of the House office buildings with Republican staffers, or accidentally ending up next to them at a bar. Which is to say, it’s not one of the perks of my job.
May 12th, 2008 at 11:07 am
Not now chief, I’m in the fucking zone!
May 12th, 2008 at 11:20 am
No way random girl knows the meaning of the word vacuous to use it in a sentence.
May 12th, 2008 at 11:33 am
I seriously got a headache from this post. I hate california.
May 12th, 2008 at 11:34 am
@Smurphette
Just GOP staff? Please. By the way, the next time I hear a weasel 23 y.o legislative assistant say “brah” or use the word “like” more that 15 times in a sentence, I’m going to stab them in the ear with a shrimp fork.
May 12th, 2008 at 11:36 am
So is brah the new eh?
May 12th, 2008 at 11:37 am
@smurphette and leaf
Great, now when I am in DC Wednesday I’ll be listening for this while in Rayburn and Dirksen.
May 12th, 2008 at 11:39 am
“Random Girl: What music do you like?
Matt: GAVIN DEGRAH, BRAH!
Nick: YEAH, WE WANT DEGRAH, BRAH!”
Holy schniekes, that was orsome.
I do agree we need “Adventures of…” crossovers.
May 12th, 2008 at 11:56 am
@Hank, I think brah is the new dude.
May 12th, 2008 at 11:58 am
@ Hank & Upstate…
I thought “Brah” was the new “Dog.”
May 12th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
That was like totally freakin’ like fantastic brah. Wow, like totally, brah.
/kills self with shrimp fork
May 12th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
And how gay are the tats on Sticky Nick?
May 12th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
@Porky, or brah is the new “I’m a douche”
May 12th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
My dad totally owns a dealership, brah.
May 12th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
“I’m going to stab them in the ear with a shrimp fork.”
I ALWAYS confuse my shrimp fork and my salad fork. I can tell you’re very classy.
May 12th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
Later that evening…..
Matt: Damn brah! I told you not in the hair brah!
May 12th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
Ooh Ted Striker FTW.
May 12th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
Sticky Nick!?? Great name. Why have I not heard this yet??
May 12th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
Jesus christ i think im braindead now.
May 12th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
@Tes Striker
Yes…well played sir. Well played.
May 12th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
Him dad own dealership!
Ted Striker +1
May 12th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
Reads post again.
Head a’splodes.
May 12th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
“Vaya Con Dios, brah…I AM AN FBI AGENT!!!”
May 12th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
Sticky Nick!?? Great name. Why have I not heard this yet??
That’s what his brah Matty L-Train calls him after they jack each other off.
May 12th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
@leaf: Of course there are some wayward Dems who are like that, too, but it’s a predominantly Republican problem (the concentration of popped collars per office is way higher among the R’s). And if a 23-yr old told you he’s an LA, he was lying.
May 12th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
@Smurphette: I won’t quibble too much, though in a previous life I was a 23 year old LA (the CoS was 28). I am adding “dude” – much more common in my experience to Dem offices – to the list. The shrimpfork threat stands. I’d like to go to a more threatening item, but I’m not certain I could get it thru the metal detectors.
May 12th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
“BRO” would’ve been more accurate. But hey what do I know
May 12th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
Oh sure, subject us to all kinds of homo-erotic imagery, like the image of Tom Brady getting the business, but when you get the option of straight douche-bag- on-teen action, you get all prudish on us.
Now I understand the KSK Gay Mafia. Brah…
May 12th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
…I like Jason Mraz :/
Oh well, the rest is hilarious…brah
May 12th, 2008 at 5:44 pm
Matt: BRAH!
Nick: BRAH!
Hines: BLAH!
May 12th, 2008 at 8:09 pm
Here on the west coast, the Southern California (I WILL NOT say “SoCal”) Douche Bag Horde is moving north from the OC while the Seattle Hipster Emo Army is moving south. Oh, fuck. I’ll take out as many of them as I can, but I’ll save the last bullet for myself.
May 12th, 2008 at 10:15 pm
I’m from the Left Coast as well, originally from San Diego, now in San Jose.
And yeah, Brah is one of the most mind-numbing words known to man. But now I know what’s worse … the inclusion of the word “Hella” in conjunction with brah. Or hyphy.
If the words “hella” or “hyphy” are unknown to you, be thankful. Be very, very thankful. And don’t ever move to farking “NorCal.”
May 12th, 2008 at 11:29 pm
I’ve lived my whole life in the western USA, so I can easily picture Doucheus Baggus Occidentalus (the LA type is the leading offender), but what are east coast douche bags like? I picture the WASP-ish, Gregg Marmalard country club, Phillips-Exeter type. Either that or the guido who wears Axe Effect, a skin-tight shirt, an orange fake tan and tries to do that Blue Steel look from “Zoolander”, except he does it without a trace of irony. Am I close?
May 12th, 2008 at 11:55 pm
“…or the guido who wears Axe Effect, a skin-tight shirt, an orange fake tan and tries to do that Blue Steel look from Zoolander, except he does it without a trace of irony.”
You forgot to mention that it’s a “18-1″ shirt.
May 13th, 2008 at 2:23 am
@MBP: That’s a hella cool post, brah.