Say, Isn’t This Election Just Like A Great FOOTBALL GAME?!
Chris Matthews: Wow, what an amazing day. We’ve got TWO enormous primaries going on. Indiana and North Carolina. Lots of big, big delegates up for grabs. The impact of what happens today is gonna reverberate ALL across the country. You know… this is amazing! This is REALLY amazing! Ya gotta love it! Howard Fineman of Newsweek joins us now. Hey Howard…
Howard Fineman: Yes?
Chris: Isn’t this election just like a great FOOTBALL GAME? I mean, like a great knockdown, drag-out football game, where people are hitting each other really hard and really going at it? Don’t you think it’s just like a football game?
Howard: Not really, no.
Chris: I think it’s just like a football game, I really do. It reminds me of, you know, going to the stadium and seeing two teams just BATTLE back and forth. Only now we’re in OVERTIME! Isn’t it just like an OVER TIME FOOTBALL GAME?
Howard: Again, no. Football is an athletic contest played on a field whose outcome is determined by some combination of physical skill and good luck. This is a presidential primary election, whose outcome hinges on grass roots organization and effective if sometimes duplicitous PR and ad campaigns. It’s, you know, totally different.
Chris: Yeah, but can’t you just see Obama as the cocky young quarterback, who isn’t favored to win, but finds himself with a giant lead at the half? Only now he’s just trying to hang onto that lead, while the original favorite storms back and makes him sweat a little? Huh? I think he’s just like that. Don’t you think he’s like a football UNDERDOG here? A football underdog who kinda becomes the favorite, only to slip a little and therefore regain his underdog status? Isn’t he kinda like a slightly favored underdog?
Howard: What?
Chris: And can’t you see Hillary Clinton as the savvy veteran coach over on the other sideline? And she’s been through THE WARS! I mean, she’s seen it all! And now this young upstart throws her off at the beginning, so now she has to use all her wiles to get her team back in it? Don’t you think? You know, I think she’s just like Weeb Ewbank!
Howard: I don’t really see the connection.
Chris: I mean, isn’t this just FASCINATING! I think it is absolutely FASCINATING! The twists. The turns. Just a RIVETING five months. Don’t you think?
Howard: No, not really. I think many people found it interesting the first week or so, but would now happily mash their testicles in a garlic press rather than have this god-awful slog carry on one excruciating day longer.
Chris: It IS great, isn’t it? Say, don’t you think Obama supporters are just like Jacksonville Jaguars fans? I mean, they’re new to the whole football-slash-politics thing, BUT THEY LOVE IT! Then reality sets in a bit, and they kind of have to weather the storm. And they say, “Hey wait a second! This isn’t fair!” But then they figure it out it’s just HOW THE GAME IS PLAYED! Don’t you think Barack Obama is just like David Garrard?
Howard: Who?
Chris: Let’s bring on Tim Russert here. Tim, don’t you think this election is just like a great FOOTBALL GAME?
Tim: You said it. A real barnburner, Chris.
Howard: Jesus.
Tim: You know, it reminds me a lot of when my dad, BIG RUSS, and I watched Bills games together. Just one of those real back-and-forth games. You had Jim Kelly, the great, All-pro quarterback. And you had Thurman Thomas, the wonderful running back. Those were real competitions. And that’s what we have here. A REAL competition. With Barack Obama, whose this sort of great, unpolished talent. Very much like Vince Young, the quarterback down in Tennessee.
Chris: I agree. I think he’s just like Vince Young, right down to the gay throwing motion. This REALLY is astounding. I’ve always said politics is just like football, and it’s showing here.
Tim: Actually Chris, you have deviated from that platform on occasion. I have a quote here that YOU gave to MSNBC just two months earlier where you said, quote: “I think this election is just like a GREAT HEAVYWEIGHT BOXING MATCH,” unquote. So you said boxing match back then, and now you’re saying football. How do you reconcile those two positions?
Chris: HA! That’s amazing, Tim! God, you’re just like a GREAT TENNIS PLAYER! Always volleying back and forth with all kinds of moves. It’s amazing! Let’s bring on Senator Clinton here for a moment. Senator Clinton, don’t you think you’re just like BILL BELICHICK? Always scheming, sort of seeking out that winning edge any way you can find it? In fact, don’t you and your husband combine to represent Belichick perfectly, with your knack for evil plotting and your husband’s penchant for hot cougar tail?
Clinton: I don’t really know about that, Chris. All I really know is that we’re gonna need someone who is ready to lead this country, someone with over 35 years of experience. I also know that Jeremiah Wright is the sort of dangerous, untamed black man who could single handedly destroy this nation with his bare hands, and that his Unruly Negro Disease could have been passed on to Barack Obama at any point during his 20 years in the church. And I think white people in rural areas really need to think about that.
Chris: Omigod, Jeremiah Wright! He’s incredible. Don’t you think he’s EXACTLY like Terrell Owens? Always coming by to throw a monkey wrench into the team chemistry?
Clinton: Yes, that’s an excellent analogy.
Tim: And John Edwards kinda looks like a young college basketball coach.
Chris: Let me ask you both. Don’t you think John McCain is just like Tom Coughlin? With the all the pent-up anger and what not?
Howard: Christ.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, colts fans would like to cast their ballot for fudge, god i hope it all ends soon, people who are way too jazzed about politics
May 6th, 2008 at 11:59 am
Needs more spitting and slurring from Matthews, but I swear this is an exact transcript from Hardball.
May 6th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
And Obama is like Peyton Manning, since their all about “change,” because, like, Manning is always changing his plays at the line, and, like, Obama wants to change America and, ….
/sorry
May 6th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
It’s too bad Hillary can’t be compared to Georgia Frontierre right about now.
May 6th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Fudge, meh.
The first candidate to endorse pork tenderloin sandwiches would blow this thing wide open.
May 6th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
dammit, spatula. if years of television has taught us anything, it’s that you can’t compare a black person to a white person. that’s like comparing apples to, um…black…apples?
May 6th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
You forgot to include Hillary cackling like a fucking moron
/votes obama
May 6th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
Do my eyes decieve me or does Hillary actually look like a 5 beer woman (i.e., after five beers I would hit it) in that picture?
May 6th, 2008 at 12:50 pm
I don’t like fudge, and I voted for Obama - possibly because I don’t live in Indiana anymore.
May 6th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
Clintron fuel is synthesized from the suffering of poor black babies and the ignorance of upper middle class whites. She cannot be stopped for she does not feel pain. Her laser glare can castrate a man from 50 yards. All your base are belong to us?
May 6th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
Cable news is like the Patriots.
I don’t think that needs any further explanation.
May 6th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
[barn door flies open]
Naptown Drew votes Obama, downs gigantic pork tenderloin, kneels in prayer for next year’s Colts wide receiver corps.
/The Amish fudge at the state fair is quite delicious.
May 6th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
@John S.
Sure Hilary looks like a five beer woman…they photoshopped that picture and five beers was as good as they could get.
May 6th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
Perfect, except Chris Matthews needed to be drunk.
May 6th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
Absofuckinglutely brilliant, Drew. And, sadly, so accurate as to be incredibly depressing.
You could swap Madden in for Matthews and the only thing that would be missing would be the wildly inappropriate sexual comments.
May 6th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
@ Mike - Agreed. I was expressing my surprise that the photoshoppers were able to get her down to a five beer level.
May 6th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Agreed. I was expressing my surprise that the photoshoppers were able to get her down to a five beer level.
I heard they had to use the patented Duff Gardens Beer Gogglesâ„¢ technology.
May 6th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
I think Obama wins by 10%+ in NC and loses by less than 2% in Indiana, Hillary mumbles in front of cameras and the MSM declares Hillary the presumptive nominee for the Democratic party.
The statue of liberty sheds a tear and Bill Clinton slips his hand underneith her skirt.
May 6th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
Win.
May 6th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
[...] ‘Cept it’s a parody from Kissing Suzy Kolber: Say, Isn’t This Election Just Like A Great FOOTBALL GAME?!. [...]
May 6th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
[...] This is awesome cubed. PermaLink | | Trackback/Pingback (0) [...]
May 6th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
This sounds like an actual conversation on Hardball. Amazing. And Hillary is still a liar.
/Obama ‘08
May 6th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
@ Wormfather, you mean Bill slips his hand underneath the skirt of some campaign assistant. The area under Hillary’s skirt is no man’s land.
/votes none of the above
May 6th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
@Wormfather
Are you outing yourself or is the name just a coincidence?
May 6th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
Nixon was so bad that he could get innocent people in to politics, but Clinton is bad in a way that will get all but the worst ones out.
May 6th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
Hines says “This erection needs to end.”
/voted Obama. Hee haw.
May 6th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
Fucking awesome. Absolutely brilliant. Nice work, Drew.
May 6th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
@naptown drew re: Indy wideouts….
/crosses herself, starts in on the hail marys
May 6th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Hand me the garlic press….
May 6th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
Just Brilliantly done, Balls Deep! I usually just come to KSK to waste vaste parts of my day at work and seldom comment. However, this post was so perfect in every way I felt compelled to say something. Chris Matthews is a compleltely insuffurable blowhard and will probably compare the primaries tonight to a football game. All that is missing is the obnoxious, I’m so much better and smarter than you are even though I’m a complete douchebag, offerings of one Keith Olberman. I’ll take the garlic press treatment if by doing so, I can rid the cable world of his inane ramblings. Oh, and fuck Bill O’Reilly too.
/Is completely disillusioned by all politicians and takes none of the above.
/dick joke
May 6th, 2008 at 4:26 pm
Ron Paul comes in the room smoking a doobie asking who talked shit about Vince Young…
May 6th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
[...] these parts except for the KC Blogger Book Group stuff, will resume shortly. Until then, check out Kissing Suzy Kolber’s rare foray into politics, which is seven kinds of funny and should be done more [...]
May 6th, 2008 at 5:08 pm
[...] Thanks Big Daddy Balls. [...]
May 6th, 2008 at 5:37 pm
For an evil, rumor-mongering, smut filled blog, this was very funny.
I love mixed meme’s and the such. This was brilliant!
May 6th, 2008 at 6:44 pm
Big Daddy Drew, brilliant work.
May 6th, 2008 at 6:48 pm
PLEASE do Joe Scarborough! Pretty, pretty please?
May 6th, 2008 at 7:02 pm
This is hilarious! I’ve watched these guys through every primary and I got to “mash their testicles in a garlic press” before I was really sure that it was (ahem) scripted.
Very funny stuff! Best laugh of the day, and kos is right, now I don’t have to waste time watching MSNBC tonight. Thanks!
May 6th, 2008 at 7:19 pm
You know, I read a great part of this transcript thinking it was for real… only when Fineman talked about crushing one’s nuts in a garlic crusher did I catch on.
Very good job.
May 6th, 2008 at 7:25 pm
Curse you and your biting wit Big Daddy Balls. Curse you!
/Bissinger
May 6th, 2008 at 8:38 pm
simply brilliant piece of writing.
May 6th, 2008 at 8:45 pm
You know what I always say, this is just like one of those Chris Matthews bloviating, narcissistic, self-referencing conversations that he has every night. Don’t ya think?
You picked up the true Chris Matthews style and “wit” perfectly! Nice job.
Now, you need to distribute this to the AP and see how long it takes to appear on Drudge as a news story.
May 6th, 2008 at 11:17 pm
Needs more Fineman!
May 7th, 2008 at 12:49 am
As a person who works at a television station and had to sit and watch the MSNBC coverage for six straight hours, this was SPOT ON. Although I could have used some Pat Buchanan and Keith Olbermann.
May 7th, 2008 at 7:14 am
Watching the postmortems on MSNBC this morning, and I swear to God that Chris Matthews just compared Obama’s win last night to Muhammed Ali ghost-punching Sonny Liston.
May 7th, 2008 at 7:28 am
I think Buzz Bissinger musta missed this post.
May 7th, 2008 at 8:28 am
HA!
May 7th, 2008 at 11:38 am
[...] Suzi Kolber nails it: Chris: Isn’t this election just like a great FOOTBALL GAME? I mean, like a great knockdown, [...]
May 7th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
“How low does a man have to sink to be President?” — Hunter S. Thompson, 1972
May 7th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
[...] great take on what the election is and what it isn’t. My favorite part: “I think many people found it interesting the first week or so, but would [...]
May 7th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
This is hysterical! It reminds me of the time that Marnie Vander Helsing was on Hardball a couple months ago. Chris could barely keep his tongue in his mouth. what a blowhard. He’s like M. Thomas Eisenstadt on mescaline.
May 7th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
I sure wish that all of a sudden it would dawn on Tweety and Russert that their coverage is like a duel, seeing who can get off the first shot–right between the eyes. Then Howard would whip out a case with two dueling pistols, and let them have a go at it. If one or more is hit, I can predict CNBC’s next story would be the improbable rise of GE stock prices later that same day.
May 7th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
Obama: I just take these primaries one at a time. I’m here to do anything I can to help the country, and the good lord willing…
Chris M: MY GOD! That’s just like that crazy kid pitcher, what’s his name, Tim Robins, …
May 7th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
As a huge NY Giants fan, this is totally clear to me.
Obama=Eli Manning
Hillary=Bill Belliichik
May 7th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
“Do my eyes decieve me or does Hillary actually look like a 5 beer woman (i.e., after five beers I would hit it) in that picture?”
Really? I thought she looked like Clay Aiken.
May 7th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
Joe Namath wore panty hose, so does this mean Hillary wears briefs or boxers?
Comparing the Democratic nomination race with football is the same as comparing
McCain with anyone awake.
May 7th, 2008 at 4:21 pm
Chris: It’s just like in that movie. Tim, don’t you think it’s just like in that movie where the villian does that thing and then the hero has to fight back to win but is victorious in the end? Don’t you think it’s just like that scene in that movie Tim? Doesn’t Hillary remend you of that character in that movie Tim?
Tim: Right you are Chris. The Hillary/Obama saga is set to be a real summer blockbuster. It’s just like that movie. You know, Obama reminds me exactly of that character in that movie where he had to do that thing before he wins in the end.
May 7th, 2008 at 4:21 pm
This post just picked up a well-deserved link at dailykos. Big Daddy Drew just hit the Big Time.
May 7th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
I think Howard Fineman needs to say at least one thing about his Black Berry. The man has an unnatural sexual fetish for it.
May 7th, 2008 at 5:00 pm
Too, too funy and right on the money. But my question is: who is Wormfather? This guy called it better than any of the noisy idiots who get in my cable box every evening.
Wormfather (AKA Aaron) Says:
May 6th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
I think Obama wins by 10%+ in NC and loses by less than 2% in Indiana
May 7th, 2008 at 11:30 pm
1) this site goes to the top of the favorites list
2) Chris Matthews, Fred Willard’s “Best if Show” announcer — consider it…
3) wormfather needs a blog
May 7th, 2008 at 11:31 pm
Best OF Show… sorry
May 8th, 2008 at 8:03 am
Tweety…
This would be even funnier except that it could practically be a transcript.
Except for the……
May 9th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
Christ. I was sent this as a link and it had me for a second. Did anyone see his “Worst Book Interview Ever” on the Daily Show?
Riddle me this; what exactly is the Moron Bar set for Loud n’ Dumb But Somehow Cute and Fuzzy News Figureheads That Really Have No Clue What They’re Talking About And Really, Just Want a Nice Piece of Apple Pie? Wouldn’t You like to eat some pie with Mr. Matthews? And mayse some nice Cherry Garcia? Wouldn;t you like some ice cream with Chris Matthews, America?
No? Why, Chris Matthews is quite hurt.
Stop crying Chirs America didn’t mean it!! She still loves you!! Whose a great American? You Chris, you’re a great American you, Wolf Blitzer and even teh Fox News anchors, you’re all great Americans.
Now if you weren’t all such shitty journalists.
May 12th, 2008 at 9:53 am
[...] This election is just like a football game [...]
May 13th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
The only thing wrong with this text is Matthews doesn’t interrupt enough.