How long’d I play there? Four years? And you couldn’t have let through just a few measly gay nuptials? Same old story. Shit, I played in the CFL until 1998, then Canada went ahead and legalized gay marriages in 2005.

I mean, it’s not that I’m gay or anything. Heavens no. We’ve been through this. Straight as something that is universally thought of as straight. That’s what I am! There’s nothing I enjoy like some wet and wild heterocourse, which is what I like to call it when I’m smoking a cigarette after I get done totally giving the sex to my lovely, lovely wifely-type person. That girl, man, she’s so pleasing to what is considered men’s popular taste in women. Right? Thinking about her just makes me sexually excited in a macho way that thoroughly dispels questions of my sexual preference.

Back in San Francisco, I remember spending endless nights talking with T.O. discussing about what it would be like when the ruling came down. We were such bold fiery progressives in those days.

Then he went to Philly and Dallas, had some emotional problems, got involved in porn AND WHY DIDN’T YOU CRY FOR ME AT PRESS CONFERENCES, ELDORADO, MY LOST RECEIVER OF PASSION!?