OH F—K! THE OWNERS OPTED OUT! THE OWNERS OPTED OUT! WE’RE ALL DOOMED!
Gah! The owners opted out of the labor deal! Oh, FUCK! What are we gonna do? Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE GONNA DO?! Yeah, I know this doesn’t affect the league for the next two years. BUT WHAT ABOUT THE YEAR AFTER THAT?! What if there’s no football in 2010? Oh, God. Oh, dear God. I can’t feel my arm! I think my system is shutting down!
You can’t just go and DO something like this, you NFL owner shitbags. I’ve already gone three and a half months with NO football this year. I’m ready to eat my young. Oh, if only I could hibernate like a bear, or like Brian Wilson, and wake up refreshed for the NFL season. Instead, I have to watch the FUCKING SPURS. WOE TO US ALL!!!!
Well, I’m not taking this laying down, you robber baron shitbags. I took it upon myself to sneak into league offices last night. That’s right! Frankie the security guard melts at the sight of a fresh box of Ding Dongs. And once I told the receptionist I was Dr. Rosenpenis, she let me right into the records room. EASY AS PIE, YOU COCKPUMPERS.
As a result, I have discovered the list of owner demands for the new labor deal. And I’m making it public, just to rob you of your precious, precious leverage. THIS IS WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU FUCK AN NFL FAN IN THE ASS, GOODELL.
Dan Snyder: Mandatory Redskins title, corpse of father exhumed for public viewing and worship
Jerry Jones: Extra fat men to poke, league subsidy to begin own space program, additional skin grafts to repair Dr. Lipschitz’s handiwork
Jeffrey Lurie: Separate stadium jail for Reid children, so that Eagle fans are forced to find alternative meth source
The Citizens Of Green Bay: More elastic pants, stoplight installed outside of driveway to new donut shop
Zygi Wilf: Fully operational stadium in Los Angeles, admission from the people of Minnesota that Jews make them somewhat uneasy.
William Clay Ford: Nothing. Everything’s super!
The McCaskey Family: Purchase of vacant lots to commission additional acts of architectural rape upon Windy City landscape
Bill Bidwill: Written statement from players that they will turn off all lights before leaving team facility. What is he, the goddamn power company?!
The Mara Family: Extra home game every year at the expense of displaced flood refugees, permanent Giants Stadium position for Super Bowl clock manager
Malcolm Glazer: A second team, plus a good ol’ fashioned barn raisin’
Tom Benson: Player-funded, $200 billion Category 5 levees for greater New Orleans, so he can finally move the team without feeling a shred of guilt
Wayne Weaver: Fans
Jerry Richardson: Competent training staff, mandatory fulfillment of any Sports Illustrated preseason prediction
Arthur Blank: Pillow for Michael Vick, cup of hot soup for Michael Vick, some toast with jam for Michael Vick, electric blanket for Michael Vick. Are you okay, Michael?
The Frontiere Family: eharmony.com profile for Georgia, so she can finally land that eighth husband she was always looking for. Some necrophiliac’s gotta be feeling frisky
Denise York: Contraction of team, monthlong stay in Corsica with Janusz, her personal trainer. God, this football stuff is so STUPID!
Paul Allen: Written promise from players that they will find Justin Long and beat the ever-loving fuck out of him. God, he’s like the second coming of Jimmy Fallon.
Robert Kraft: Nanny cams, the continued league-wide cover-up of any wrongdoing, mandatory “Negro Tax” on all African-American Gillette Stadium visitors
Ralph Wilson: His reading glasses! For God’s sake, what did you with his reading glasses?! He left them right in the medicine cabinet, and now they’re gone! How’s he supposed to read this crazy thing?
Wayne Huizenga: Separate training table for players that Parcells won’t know about
Woody Johnson: Full refund for purchase of Jets, bottle of shampoo that delivers on No More Tears promise
Dan Rooney: Kids off lawn
Mike Brown: Contract clause stating that any player on injured reserve must work the concession stand
Randy Lerner: A copy of every college player’s mailing address, credit report and social security number
Steve Bisciotti: Kevlar vest, plus those little hard cookies you dip into your coffee. You know what he means? They usually come in odd flavors like anise seed. What do you call those things?
Jim Irsay: Mandatory attendance of performances featuring the jam band he started with Charles Dolan
Bob McNair: New expansion team to cover up the glaring failure of his own, preferably named the Utah Utahns.
Bud Adams: Daily rubdown from discreet Oriental 12-year-old
Pat Bowlen: Mandatory obedience training for wife’s Chihuahua. Christ, that little fucker just shits all over the fucking place
Alex Spanos: Mandatory de-douching symposium for all active quarterbacks
Clark Hunt: The CLARK Hunt trophy, god dammit. WHAT ARE YA GONNA DO ABOUT IT, OLD MAN?!
Al Davis: One quart of fresh baby’s blood per hour
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, FUCK, ksk group posts
May 20th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
I don’t even know who half these fuckers are and what team they own.
However, I’m all for the destruction of Justin Long.
May 20th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
Thanks for the link to the Fanhouse article. I had no idea Quentin Tarantino had a column there.
May 20th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
Paul Allen is so level headed.
The Portland Trail Blazers and Seattle Seahawks have the best owner in sports…
/Blazer fan
May 20th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
I think Jim Irsay is also wanting a chocolate factory and five young children to take on a tour that they’ll all never forget…
/wow, that was even creepier than I intended…oh well, I really hate Jim Irsay…
May 20th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
I heard one of Woody Johnson’s demands was a new name for himself, something that sounded just a little less phallic. Rumor is that he was originally leaning towards Boner McPhallus, but his grandson suggested Dingus O’Toolihan and now he’s torn.
May 20th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
They’re on top of your head, Mr. Wilson. Right where you left them.
/shakes head in sympathy, buys October 30th megabus ticket to Toronto
May 20th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
Chip Rosenbloom: To ditch the lame-ass team his mom left him saddled with and go back to making crappy PG-rated movies.
May 20th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
Is FEAST an ESPN commenter?
May 20th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Dan Rooney - African American coaches for everyone !!!!!!
May 20th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Jerry Jones: make court-ordered ankle bracelets an approved option in NFL uniform regulations.
May 20th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
New England fans are in complete support of Robert Kraft’s Dahkie Tax.
May 20th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
I also approve of the severe beating of Justin Long. Watch “Accepted” and you’ll agree with me.
May 20th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
@BDD: It was a half joke…
I’m convinced that having the #19th richest person in the world own your favorite sports team is a good thing. No matter how eccentric/queer/strange they may be.
I also have mad respect for anybody who uses their fat gut as a place to stage food for consumption @ sporting events.
May 20th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
Malcom Glazer would also like a stove pipe hat.
May 20th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
WHY GOD?????
I’ll raise the damn barn! I’ll even donate some blood from my children.
Please GOD NO SHUT DOWN!!!!
Come on people. Let’s each throw in $500,000 and buy up the teams that are owned by douche bags.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
Dan Rooney: Kids off lawn
Just the non-Irish ones.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
OBJECTS ARE ORIENTAL
PEOPLE ARE ASIAN
May 20th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
Don’t make Gene Upshaw angry.
You won’t like Gene Upshaw when he’s angry.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
Well, this sucks, I only have five years until the Bills move anyways. Of course the stress of the lockout might kill Ralph before then.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
@futuremrs
So you’re telling me that “Oriental women” is the proper nomenclature?
May 20th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
@Biggus Rickus: Asian-americans, please.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
these arent the guys who built the fucking railroads, man
May 20th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
The last 3 posts are leading us down a slippery slope…
May 20th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
Dan Rooney went to camp so long ago, that he can remember saying “sticks and stones may break my bones” and meaning it! ge went to camp so long ago that fucking Jesus Christ was his counselor! And his best friend hadn’t fully evolved yet! His name was Ug and he walked on all fours! There were two epidemics when he went to camp: head lice, and the plague - the Bubonic plague!
May 20th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
Bob McNair: the public drawing-and-quartering of David Carr.
May 20th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
The citizens of Green Bay would like a government-sponsored grant for Favre-cell cloning.
May 20th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
Great stuff.
May 20th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
Also, Malcolm Glazer, really, really wants Jake Plummer to come back. Just ask him!
May 20th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
Robert Kraft - Banning that darn Constitution
May 20th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
Pat Bowlen - Choking Bronco on helmet replaced by Elway pic… no wait… too similar. Make it Shannon Sharpe… no wait…
May 20th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
Don’t make Gene Upshaw angry. You won’t like Gene Upshaw when he’s angry.
Because he’ll friggin’ break your goddamned neck that’s why.
The Frontiere Family: eharmony.com profile for Georgia, so she can finally land that eighth husband she was always looking for. Some necrophiliac’s gotta be feeling frisky.
You’re going to hell in your gasoline soaked golden thong on for that one BDD.
May 20th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
Screw the Spurs and NBA. It’s Stanley Cup time!
May 20th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
@ Sidney Crosby’s
Greatest commenter name ever
Jeffery Lurie, at the behest of his coach: The elimination of the wide receiver position
May 20th, 2008 at 4:56 pm
Slippery slope? But I love Sandra Oh, you could even say I was a horizontaphile!
May 20th, 2008 at 5:11 pm
mmm orientail…
May 20th, 2008 at 5:29 pm
Speaking of the NBA (I know, NFL site…but FYI) Simmons is cringing at the thought of his beloved Celtics getting bounced after they could barely finish the Hawks and Cavs. So what does he do? Go to ESPN.com and check out the top story (and it’s in the magazine too.)
Simmons is deliberately trying to call out Kevin Garnett as a choker in the vain hope that KG will get all pissed off and firey, and tear ass through the Pistons and Lakers/Spurs. Let me say that again. Simmons is deliberately using his status as a national columnist to hopefully further his fanboy dreams of seeing the Celtics win a series, because he knows it will filter to Garnett since it’s all over fucking ESPN.
Granted, they’ve been calling KG a choker for years and he’s never answered the critics by being anything but, so maybe this is just a wash. Either way, what a douche.
May 20th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
First, the Linc doesn’t have a jail. Second, if Lurie doesn’t wrangle a championship out of this we’ll have his ass drawn and quartered. Or slathered in barbecue sauce and locked in a cage with Wade Phillips.
May 20th, 2008 at 5:44 pm
I’m pretty sure you guys aren’t going to be happy with the Superbowl in Indianapolis, 2012.
I’m calling it right now: the media/bloggers bitching about Indianapolis during Superbowl week will become more played out than the Jerome Bettis/Detroit story…
May 20th, 2008 at 6:27 pm
The NFL has occasionally thrown a bone to northern, cold-weather cities that have domed stadiums and let them host the Super Bowl. Before Indianapolis, Detroit and Minneapolis had the big game (and will never have them again). Maybe the NFL should just say “Fuck it” and have every Super Bowl in warm NFL cities like Miami, San Diego, Phoenix, a rebuilt New Orleans and maybe Hawaii or Puerto Rico.
May 20th, 2008 at 6:55 pm
Let me see if I understand this - the owners have the richest TV contract in the world, have the second-highest merchandise income in the world, made the players their bitch in the last round of contract talks, somehow convince cities to pony up most of the money for their new stadiums, but still can’t make money?!?! It’s the players that are getting all the money? Either the owners are greedy lying sacks of shit or incredibly inept.
May 20th, 2008 at 7:48 pm
the…the…the horror…of…a…lockout…Here’s a few topics to look forward to during the 2010-2011 lockout:
Budweiser stock drops off the chart
Johnsonville & Oscar Meyer lay off thousands of workers
Pretzel companies move more operations overseas to cheaper labor & less FDA regulation
but even worse than that will be the increased media coverage of
F***ING NASCAR
F***ING HOCKEY
talk radio will have to talk about some sissy sport to sell ad time to discount diamond stores
May 20th, 2008 at 7:50 pm
No one wanted double guitars?
May 20th, 2008 at 8:13 pm
I say they rename it the Mike Hunt Trophy.
And what about a black Oriental? Would they be African Asian American? Or Asian African American?
Pats fans would still call them dahkies.
May 20th, 2008 at 10:08 pm
Dude, hockey is the shit. Especially playoff hockey.
May 20th, 2008 at 10:15 pm
Even though it hurts as a New Orleanian, good call on the Tom Benson demand. It wasn’t even two months after Katrina kicked our asses that he was trying to move the Saints to San Antonio; it was even announced that the team was moving there. Then the NFL stepped in and said it ain’t happening, and then he wrote a letter to Saints fans that was put in the local paper stating that he loves New Orleans, is committed to the city and would never leave. Yeah right, you old wrinkly cunt flap. And he’s lived down here all his life, but that’s what can happen when you have a car dealership chain owner as the owner of your team. If he does leave, for the love of God, go to L.A., not that shithole San Antonio who can’t even afford the team. Sorry for the book report, just had to vent on that
May 21st, 2008 at 12:53 am
As lifelong Saints fan now living in St. Louis, I must concur with the distinguished gentleman ahead of me…Fuck. San. Antonio.
May 21st, 2008 at 8:46 am
Is Dr. Lipshitz a Rugrats reference? Someone’s been watching too much Nickelodeon with the kid (as have I apparently).
May 21st, 2008 at 10:57 am
>> Al Davis
Sigh. Is there a better example of an owner whose time is long passed?
In a related story: John Madden…
May 21st, 2008 at 1:23 pm
Watching the Spurs does suck. They are the worst- I hate them.