Golly, this is great weather for a walk. It’s such a beautiful day. Sometimes you just have to make time and take a stroll through the neighborhood. Some folks have said this community’s lost a bit of its luster. How can they say that when everything looks so beautiful? Did I make that change to my 401(k) last week? I’ll have to call my accountant in the morning to make sure.
Wait a second. Wait just a…who the fuck is that? That’s not…nooooo….is that…a black guy? Oh fuck. He IS black! OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK! A black person in my neighborhood! Okay, okay, just relax, Bob. Maybe it’s Wayne Brady. You like him from that one show, remember?
Oh no, that’s not Wayne Brady. Holy shit, holy shit, I can’t relax now! What about my kids?!?! They’re all gonna do drugs now! I can almost hear the value of my house plummeting. And the real estate market’s in such a bear cycle as it is!
Oh my Christ, he’s coming closer! Oh shit, I’m trapped! If I cross the street, that makes me a racist! My wife’s friends will never let me live it down! Oh, God, I wish I was a cop so I could just shoot him and get it over with. Ack! He’s almost upon me! Please don’t kill me, sir! I’ll give you my wallet and you can buy all the Colt 45 you want! Oh God, he’s gonna ask for my wallet! Will some other white person over 40 please help me! HELP ME!
Oh, fuck, that was close. I better cut over a block and jog home, before he gets to my house and tries to steal my car.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news and humor before everyone else.