Northern Aggression: Dey Took Urr Fertbaw!
Our beloved game is under attack, and from an entirely unlikely adversary.
Our seemingly innocuous moose fucking neighbors to the north have struck a deal with the frost-bitten traitors of Buffalo, New York. All it took was $78 million Canadian (or 2,096,774 liters of pure maple syrup) for those Buffalonian Benedict Arnold’s to export our most precious resource across the border.
I can just picture those jabberwockies yukking it up in Toronto, and it makes me sick to my red, white, blue, and black stomach (don’t swallow black tar heroin unless it is sealed in a premium prophylactic). Some might consider this a small concession to our neighbors, or even a wise business decision on Ralph Wilson’s part, but I see it for what it is, an attack on our very way of life.
Before you know it our dollar will stabilize, universal healthcare will become a reality, politeness will rule the day, and all of our football games will be played on 120 yards of foreign soil. I, for one, will not stand for this. In support of our nation we must band together to stem the tide of the Canadian takeover.
It is with great pride that I announce my boycott of all things Canadian until our football games are returned unharmed. From here on out I will deprive myself of each of the following.
Canadian Whisky- No more Crown Royal with Royal Crown.
Canadian Bloggers- Farewell Skeets and Mutoni, hopefully this will be resolved in time for next year’s NBA season.
Canadian Strippers- I’ll miss you most of all.
Canadian Beasters- Forget what I just said about the strippers.
However, if none of this works I could be convinced to trade Buffalo the Canucks straight-up for that stripper chick.
Update: Our snowbound overlords have informed us that this post must be presented both of their official languages, English and French. So this is for all of you pea soup eaters…
Notre jeu aimé est sous l’attaque, et d’un adversaire entièrement peu probable. Canadia. Nos voisins foutus d’orignaux apparemment innofensifs au nord ont frappé une affaire avec les traîtres gel-mordus de Buffalo, New York. Tout qu’il a pris était le Canadien $78 millions (ou de 2.096.774 litres de sirop pur de érable) pour des ces Buffalonian Benedict Arnold pour exporter notre ressource plus précieuse à travers la frontière. Je peux juste décrire ces jabberwockies yukking le vers le haut à Toronto, et il me rend malade à mon estomac rouge, blanc, bleu, et noir (n’avalez pas l’héroïne noire de goudron à moins qu’elle soit scellée dans un prophylactique de la meilleure qualité). Certains pourraient considérer ceci une petite concession à nos voisins, ou même une décision économique sage sur la pièce de Ralph Wilson, mais je la vois pour ce qu’est il, une attaque sur notre façon de vivre même. Avant que vous le sachiez notre dollar stabilisera, des soins de santé universels deviendra une réalité, la courtoisie régnera le jour, et tous nos jeux du football seront joués sur 120 yards de sol étranger. I, pour un, ne représentera pas ceci. À l’appui de notre nation nous devons nous réunir ensemble pour refouler la marée du changement canadien. C’est avec grande fierté que j’annonce mon boycott de tout le Canadien de choses jusqu’à ce que nos jeux du football soient indemnes retourné. D’ici dessus hors de moi me priverai de chacune du suivant. Whiskey canadien pas plus couronne royale avec la couronne royale. Des ball-traps d’adieu canadiens de Bloggers- et le Mutoni, si tout va bien ceci seront résolus à temps pour la saison du NBA de l’année prochaine. Les décolleurs canadiens je m’ennuierai de vous surtout. Beasters- canadien oublient ce que j’ai juste dit au sujet des décolleurs. Cependant, si aucun du ce des travaux je pourraient être convaincus pour commercer Buffalo le Canucks droit-vers le haut pour ce poussin de décolleur.
Tags: Canadia, Outsourcing, Surrender her pronto or we'll level Toronto, Their beer sucks, Unsilent Majority
May 1st, 2008 at 9:48 am
There’s 4, maybe 5 Great Lakes. Only….2? have American names. From now on, Lake Superior will now be known as Lake Superior Construda in honor of Minnesota’s most fabulous alum.
Damn frostbacks
May 1st, 2008 at 9:59 am
In Buffalo’s defense, they pretty much had to do this to keep the team in town. Plus, Labatt’s is good.
/Dick Joke
May 1st, 2008 at 9:59 am
now Doug Flutie will be recognized everywhere as a GOLDEN GAHHHD
/Masshole
May 1st, 2008 at 10:01 am
I personally am going to express my patriotic outrage over this in the most effective way possible: by borrowing my friend’s shotgun and plugging all the Canada geese that shit all over my golf course. COME INTO MY HOUSE WILL YOU?!
May 1st, 2008 at 10:01 am
I’m not your buddy, friend…
May 1st, 2008 at 10:03 am
That is some terrible French grammar.
May 1st, 2008 at 10:04 am
I’m not your friend, pal.
May 1st, 2008 at 10:05 am
And I had invested heavily in loony futures. I’m ruined!
May 1st, 2008 at 10:08 am
I moved here from Canada, and they think I am a little slow, eh?
May 1st, 2008 at 10:12 am
I like the English-French-English translation better than the original:
“However, if none of the EC of work I could be convinced to trade Buffalo Canucks right-towards the top for this chick of fish knife.”
May 1st, 2008 at 10:19 am
I hate to break it to you LLUA, none of them have American names.
May 1st, 2008 at 10:22 am
Who knew that “Canadian Bacon” could be so prophetic?
May 1st, 2008 at 10:26 am
Stephen Abootman brokered the deal with Ralph Wilson and the NFL.
May 1st, 2008 at 10:27 am
What do you have agaynst Canada, you knob?
May 1st, 2008 at 10:47 am
@ slothrop - you should have invested in looney tunes instead
/walks out door - that’s all folks…..
May 1st, 2008 at 10:48 am
There’s no way you can give up Crown Royal! Don’t set yourself up for dissapointment like that! You know its God’s water.
May 1st, 2008 at 10:50 am
Maybe you should commit to stop jerking off again until the Bills come back to the states. That’ll learn ‘em.
May 1st, 2008 at 10:50 am
And labatt’s isn’t good. Its the Canadian bogan’s beer of choice. Picture trailer parks and mullets.
May 1st, 2008 at 11:05 am
why can’t they just take the sabres?
May 1st, 2008 at 11:08 am
Well, I think it’s clear who’s side Buffalo is on. Ralph Wilson owns the Bills. Ralph played the Canadian ambassador in The Simpsons’ model UN. Coincidence?
May 1st, 2008 at 11:16 am
Where were you guys when this was news like a month ago? Fuck the Bills and fuck Ralph Wilson. Hurry up and move to Toronto already. Please leave me the Sabres.
Jack Daniels > Crown Royal
Molson Canadian > Labatt’s Blue
May 1st, 2008 at 11:20 am
Moosehead > Molson Canadian
May 1st, 2008 at 11:28 am
We’ll trade you the bills back for the Jets and Nordiques. The Grizzlies too.
May 1st, 2008 at 11:32 am
As long as they don’t bring curling with them, I’m cool with it.
“Sweep, Jacques! Sweep like you’ve never swept before!”
May 1st, 2008 at 11:32 am
Rocco, we are not a news gathering organization. Besides, it didn’t become official until this week.
May 1st, 2008 at 11:37 am
OT: Watch your back, boys. The Onion is horning in on your turf.
May 1st, 2008 at 11:38 am
Don’t forget to boycott food court lunch too
May 1st, 2008 at 11:43 am
I’m not your buddy…guy..
May 1st, 2008 at 12:37 pm
As a Canadian I feel compelled to point out the following fallacies in your argument:
1. Crown Royal is the shittiest liquor in the whole world.
2. Ralph Wilson is old and crazy.
3. We have our own football, which sucks large, but everyone here loves it for some strange reason.
4. Who gives a fuck? It’s the Bills, for fucks sake. And they’re moving to Toronto. Those two were made for each other. Now the asshole capital of Canada can know the sheer bliss of going 8-8. Although it would be more appropriate if the Patriots moved there. I think that Massholes and Ontario people would get along better.
May 1st, 2008 at 12:53 pm
Kokanee > all beer
Crown Royal < all whiskey
May 1st, 2008 at 12:54 pm
I was the last one left after the nuclear holocaust, eh. The whole world had been destroyed, like U.S. blew up Russia and Russia blew up U.S. Fortunately, I had been offworld at the time. There wasn’t much to do. All the bowling alleys had been wrecked. So’s I spent most of my time looking for beer.
May 1st, 2008 at 12:54 pm
I adore the Babelfished version of the last section with a particular fondness for “foutus of mooses”:
“Our liked play is under the attack, and of an adversary entirely not very probable. Canadia. Our neighbors foutus of mooses apparently innofensifs in north struck a business with the freezing-bitten traitors of Buffalo, New York. Very that it took was the Canadian $78 million (or of 2.096.774 liters pure maple syrup) for these Buffalonian Benedict Arnold to export our more invaluable resource through the border. I can just describe these jabberwockies yukking to the top in Toronto, and it returns to me sick to my stomach red, white, blue, and black (do not swallow the black tar heroin unless it is sealed in prophylactic better quality). Some could consider this a small concession with our neighbors, or even a wise economic decision on the part of Ralph Wilson, but I see it for what it is, an attack on our way of even living. Before you know it our dollar stabilizes, of the universal care of health will become a reality, the courtesy will reign the day, and all our plays of football will be exploited 120 yards of foreign ground. I, for one, will not represent this. In support of our nation we must meet together to drive back the tide of the Canadian change. It is with great pride which I announce my boycott of all the Canadian of things until our plays of football unscathed are turned over. From here top out of me will deprive myself of each one of the following. Canadian Whiskey step more royal crown with the royal crown. Canadian shooting-traps of good-bye of Bloggers- and Mutoni, if all is well this will be solved in time for the season of the NBA of the next year. The Canadian fish knives I will be bored you especially. Canadian Beasters- forget what I just said about the fish knives. However, if none of the EC of work I could be convinced to trade Buffalo Canucks right-towards the top for this chick of fish knife.”
May 1st, 2008 at 1:03 pm
I don’t really like Crown Royal, just like I’ve never swallowed a condom filled with black tar heroin. You Buzz Bissinger’s need to remember that we just bullshit over here.
May 1st, 2008 at 1:03 pm
fish knives are sexy
May 1st, 2008 at 1:27 pm
On August 8, 1961, the Bills were the first (and only) American Football League team to lose to a Canadian Football League team, the nearby Hamilton Tiger-Cats. The score of the game was 38-21 in favor of the home team.
http://www.answers.com/topic/buffalo-bills
May 1st, 2008 at 1:59 pm
Shit…I’ll give up 1/3 of the league if it means that those goddamn foul-tempered Canadian Geese get the hell out of the states.
May 1st, 2008 at 2:11 pm
@dick_gozinia: Pay attention to futuremrsrickankiel, they are Canada geese not canadian geese.
Bourbon trumps canadian whiskey especially Crown Royal.
DC/MD comment here, my buddy refers to the Crown Royal purple bag as the “Glen Burnie purse”
May 1st, 2008 at 2:53 pm
+1 for Glen Burnie Purse.
May 1st, 2008 at 2:53 pm
on a sidenote, i was once bitten by a filthy goose on a golf course. fucker was a bit too close to my ball.
May 1st, 2008 at 3:04 pm
Glen Burnie Purse…nice.
BTW- since when does crown royal suck. I mean its no Makers Mark, and its a little more prissy than something like Jack/Jim but jeez.
I thought you guys would be drinking Virginia Gentlemen (aka Vag) or maybe your ticket ads pay better than my autism ads
/dropping yardbarker
May 1st, 2008 at 4:13 pm
jeff, i drank too much of it once or three times.
May 1st, 2008 at 6:34 pm
American strip clubs are lame….no beaver, no Pod
May 1st, 2008 at 8:41 pm
Not a goose, but a swan hissed at one of my daughters when she was about 5. My mom punched it and knocked it out. My brothers, fearing the authorities, attempted to ditch the mom unit.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:32 pm
Toronto Bills: 2012 Grey Cup Champions.