Jerry Porter’s agent is f_cking awful
Jerry Porter recently took part in a Hanes promotional event that yielded no small degree of painful-to-watch comedy. Much like Kerouac’s Dean Moriarty, this chap Dave travels across the country, bringing an optimistic everyman joie de vive to a hodgepodge of quirky locales. Except Dean Moriarty didn’t challenge quasi-celebrities to see who can put a pair of underwear over their clothes the fastest. This is Dave…
Even his visage bespeaks quality entertainment.
As if this whole “guys playing underwear games” didn’t lend enough of an air of fruitiness to the proceedings, Dave’s decision to groom an imperceptible speck of something from Jerry’s brow took it to a whole new level.
Jerry says he “probably won’t” win, but he’s “not going to lose.” I have no idea what that means. At the risk of spoiling the ending: Jerry cheats– a skill learned with the Raiders– in order to win– a skill not learned with the Raiders.
A final look at the scoreboard shows that Dave has four wins against eleven losses. We presume this means Dave is now mathematically eliminated from the Underwear Race Playoffs.
If you feel you simply must see the whole thing, here it is:
I almost didn’t post the video because I’m disinclined to give Hanes the free publicity. But in the end, it was too entertaining not to share. Perhaps Hanes will send us some new drawers for free. This cheap pair I’m wearing right now is like a three-star hotel: no ballroom.
Tags: youtubage
May 14th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
It shows Porter’s just like the rest of us… he puts his underwear on over his pants one leg at a time.
Good luck in Jacksonville, you whiny bitch.
May 14th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
Dave could really use an upside-down visor to bring out his inner douche.
May 14th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
So that’s the second step?
May 14th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
@devin hester
He’s also missing a black undershirt and his pink shirt factor is a little low.
/wears pink shirts and black undershirts at times
//cries
May 14th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
…like a three-star hotel room…
BA-ZING!
May 14th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
Maybe not so awful after all. The official 2009 U.S. Underpants Olympics are being held in Jacksonville at the 3-star Motel 6 near the airport. Looks like Jerry is just getting a leg up on the competition.
May 14th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
Gotta love the awkward silence part at the end there before “Dave” wraps up his craptastic beatdown.
May 14th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
[...] Jerry Porter needs a new agent Yikes. Jerry Porter’s agent is f_cking awful | Kissing Suzy Kolber [...]
May 14th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
Seems to be a gay day today
/did not mean to rhyme
// chops off finger as punishment
May 14th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
it’s Jerry Porter…..does anyone really care?
May 14th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
I was told to wait until they got their Hanes on me.
And now they’re telling me it’s a race? WTF?
May 14th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
“A final look at the scoreboard shows that Dave has four wins against eleven losses. We presume this means Dave is now mathematically eliminated from the Underwear Race Playoffs.”
Unless he’s following Hillary’s rules, cuz then he’s in first place
May 14th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
Is that a Wrist Strong bracelet on Porter?
May 14th, 2008 at 4:58 pm
[...] Jerry Porter should consider new management. (Kissing Suzy Kolber) [...]
May 14th, 2008 at 10:38 pm
[...] wonder how the once promising career of wide receiver jerry porter got off track? [...]
May 15th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
“At the risk of spoiling the ending: Jerry cheats – a skill learned with the Raiders – in order to win – a skill not learned with the Raiders.”
Full of win.