It’s Your Turn, Once Again, To Draft And Be Sexy
With the NFL Draft in our rearview and a four-month stretch of barren, football-free shitscape in front of us, it is time once again for us to turn our mock drafting responsibilities over to you, the fiendishly clever KSK readership.
Today’s draft is a Sexual Frankenstein Draft. You have the power to stitch together a dream lover from the parts of any famous person you please, male or female. You’ve no doubt seen this done with quarterbacks roughly 700 times in ESPN magazine (“Our dream QB has Dan Marino’s quick release and Brett Favre’s derring-do!!!”). So gay. So very gay. This is a far sexier way of doing business.
You can also pick personality traits, wealth, or any other characteristic of your celebrity that you hold close to your heart. Once reanimated, you and your sexy, sexy monster will have one big, orgasmatastic life together.
THE RULES: Pick one body part or characteristic at a time. Once a part from a celebrity is taken, that celebrity goes off the board entirely. Once you pick something, YOU MUST LET 10 OTHER PEOPLE PICK BEFORE CHOOSING AGAIN. If you violate the protocol, and just throw down some stupid fucking list, you will be summarily destroyed by the other commenters and personally berated by members of the KSK staff. Fall in line, you undisciplined little shit.
And, as the conductor of this draft, I get first pick. That first pick? Stacy Kiebler’s stems.
Oh Lily, Lily, Lily, Lily, legs, Lily, Lily. I cannot find the words to truly express my joy at the rekindling of our association.
Now, DRAFT! Draft, I tell you! Go go go!
Tags: Biel's badonkadunk ain't far behind on the board, ksk commenter drafts, let's see how well you people follow protocol, sexy sexy sexy
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May 2nd, 2008 at 1:16 pm
Lucy Pinder’s chestal region
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Vida Guerra’s Ass.
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Salma Hayek’s jarrito-flavored tittyballs.
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Jenna Jameson’s morals and throat-wideness
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Salma’s tits.
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:18 pm
Jennifer Connolly’s rack. Those are perfect!
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:18 pm
Halle Berry’s pregnant milk-swollen boobs.
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:19 pm
Clay Aiken’s Vagina.
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:20 pm
Jenna Jameson’s morals and throat-wideness
That’s two things, fuckhead.
BANISHED!
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:20 pm
Miley Cyrus’ vagina
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:20 pm
good work, boobs
http://www.wwtdd.com/post.phtml?pk=5672
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:21 pm
Linday Lohan’s lack of morals…
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:21 pm
Erin Andrews’ brain.
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:21 pm
I’m gonna have to go with Pam Oliver’s snout.
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:22 pm
Sorry, Mr. Valente. Salma’s tits belong to MY sex frankenstein.
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:22 pm
Alicia Keys’ eyes
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:22 pm
Aaliyah’s lazy eye
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:22 pm
I sense a trend towards very large breasts. I’d like to think that I started that trend. But in a more accurate sense, these women with very large breasts started the trend by having very nice breasts.
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:23 pm
Heather Harmon’s wang-sucking ability. (Less educated folks in the art of porn may know her as Heather Brooke.
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:23 pm
Maria Sharapova’s abs.
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:24 pm
Jamie-Lynn Spears’ belly…..what?
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:24 pm
Belladonna’s gaping asshole
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:24 pm
Angelina Jolie’s lips.
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:25 pm
Britnay Spears bald head
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:25 pm
I’m an Ass Man, so I’m gonna draft Beyoncé’s sweet ayshe.
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:27 pm
Scarlett Johansson’s tits
@smaaron: when I saw the draft, my FIRST thought was to draft Lucy Pinder’s rack. Plus many to you for thinking the same way.
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:27 pm
as much as I hate her, kim kardashian’s ass.
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:29 pm
Paris Hilton’s genital warts
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:29 pm
RuPaul’s adam’s apple.
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:30 pm
Jennifer Tilly’s voice.
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Damn you Boobs, damn you to hell. After this pick I’m joining you…
Miley Cirus’ viginity.
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:31 pm
That Aristotle Onassis daughter (Athena?) ’s money.
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Natalie Portman’s Pelvic region (as seen in ‘Closer’ in da thong)
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:31 pm
@ Miamidiesel
It was my honor, no, my DUTY to give her rack the honor it so highly deserves.
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Sorry, I forgot to mention that in drafting Beyoncé’s sweet, sweet ayshe, her hips and pelvis come along in the deal.
/pokes Jay-Z’s bullet-riddled corpse with a stick repeatedly and giggles.
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Damn you Miami as well, scratch my last pick, I missed that….
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:32 pm
Jessica Alba’s right toe
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:33 pm
buzz bissinger’s pillow talk
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:33 pm
Charlize Theron’s skin…man she looked so hot in A Time to Kill…I swear I watch that movie just for the scene when she’s all sweaty.
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:33 pm
Megan Fox’s Steely Blue Eyes.
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:34 pm
@Miami…it does say something that even if errantly, within the first 30 picks two people took Miley Cirus’ virginity as picks.
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Shakira’s sweet sweet ass
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:36 pm
@Wormfather: great minds think alike my man, great minds
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:36 pm
Sofia Vergara’s ample chesticles.
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:40 pm
That chick that plays Claire on Lost, I’ll have her accent, thank you very much.
Emilie de Ravin, I would have taken her tits, but I’m picking those up elsewhere.
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:43 pm
Ana Hickmann’s Guinness Book of World Records longest legs.
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Juliette Lewis boobage ala ‘Strange Days’ …I like ‘em thin and nuts!
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:45 pm
katie holmes’ submissiveness
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:47 pm
Adriana Lima’s eyes.
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:47 pm
So even though its in the tags, no one has taken it yet. So I’ll take Biel’s ass.
Having seen it in person while she was Tufts….good God almight that is a sweet ass
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Ray Liotta’s eyes.
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Marky Mark’s third nipple…what you know about that?
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Sport’s Gal’s writing ability.
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:49 pm
…from Bachelor Party, Tracey’s tits. But her tits from when she did the movie in 1984, not her present-day saggy-ass 44 year old fun bags.
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:51 pm
Since Big Daddy Balls took the best set of legs (Stacy Keibler) and Crabbler’s pick took all of Maria Sharapova off the board, and I need legs, I’m going with…. Uma Thurman’s legs
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:51 pm
Michelle Rodriguez’s Stomach, Methinks I sense a theme.
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:52 pm
The mane of Barbaro.
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:54 pm
Karen Allen’s drinking prowess from Raiders of the Lost Ark.
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:56 pm
Keira Knightley’s figure.
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:58 pm
The way Cary Grant wears a suit. Seriously, if a dude looked like that in a suit, I would do absolutely anything he asked.
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:59 pm
Kate Bosworth’s eating habits
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:00 pm
Kate Bosworth’s two unmatching eyes (one’s blue, one’s green)
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:01 pm
DC – Just a second too late
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:02 pm
you can have her eating habits, i’d rather have lara flynn boyle’s…she’s a champion non-eater.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:02 pm
the opposite of kobayashi, if you will
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:02 pm
Bea Arthurs sensible shoes.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:04 pm
Jay Farrar’s smoky baritone and guitar prowess. The ability to sing me a killer song, coupled with the eyes mentioned above, would pretty much make my clothes fall off.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:04 pm
Chick from Total Recall’s third boob.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:05 pm
Julia Robert’s mouth…would look great wrapped around me thang…
I have a pelvis, chest and mouth…Do I really need more?
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:05 pm
Dana Jacobsen’s classiness
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:05 pm
Heather Brooke’s cocksucking ability… http://www.ideepthroat.com
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:06 pm
Roslyn Sanchez’s face
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:06 pm
ScarJo’s rack
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:06 pm
Jugg Heather Brooke is already off the board.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:07 pm
Anna Kournikova’s abs. You wanna talk about positive products of an eating disorder?
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Marisa Miller’s boob jiggle (see 2:45 mark here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RhzPAvaWpR0&feature=related)
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Rihanna’s legs.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:08 pm
@Squirmin Thurman: too late
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Matt Damon’s smile. Sigh.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Oprah’s wealth.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Fuck… then I choose Oprah’s bankroll.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Christina Agulera’s Tits…wheeeeeeeeeeee!
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:10 pm
@UU: Goddam you that was my next pick
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Damn Jugg, you cant win.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:11 pm
elisha cuthbert’s face
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:11 pm
Martina Hingis’ coke covered tits
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:12 pm
Catherine Zeta-Jones appetite for flabby old men.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Emma Watson’s hymen.
Checkmate.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:14 pm
I mean… Sienna Miller’s face
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:14 pm
@ travis henry
i’d guess someone took that one in a draft a couple years ago
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:14 pm
Heather Mills’ wooden leg. I have a pirate fetish.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:15 pm
the gap in condy rice’s teeth.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:15 pm
Hannah Rory’s clit.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:16 pm
Aishwariya Rai’s head… a homer pick in the truest sense of the phrase
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:16 pm
kate beckinsale’s appendectomy scar! who wins now, son?
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:17 pm
Giselle Bundchen’s legs, I am very very impressed with myself.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:19 pm
I intend to build mine from the vagina up because I’m old fashioned.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:19 pm
Hillary Clinton’s ability to forgive…as hot as this chick is, I’m probably going to need that.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:20 pm
BTW This chick = the one I’m building =\= Hillary Clinton…just wanted to clear that up.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Clive Owen’s upper body. Wouldn’t mind being held down (or against a wall) by those arms and shoulders, that’s for damn sure.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Maria Bartiromo’s eyes. “I’m sorry sweetheart, you were saying something about stocks or markets or…dear fucking god i want you to look at me with those eyes while blowing me.”
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Anne Hathaway’s pussybasket, must be nice
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:25 pm
Camila Alves’ face.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:26 pm
charlie sheen’s black book, that way i wouldn’t have to build anything, cuz it’s all in there.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:26 pm
Monica Bellucci’s entire head
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:27 pm
U/U = great value pick
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:27 pm
Lucille Bluth’s alchohol tolerance.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:28 pm
Warren Buffett’s net worth
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:28 pm
Kirilenko’s wife’s morals
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:29 pm
I would like Helen Keller’s ability to nag me about calling her after we were finished.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:29 pm
Joey Lauren Adams’ voice. What, none of you find raspy sexy?
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:30 pm
Aeon Flux’s flexability.
I know, shut up.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:30 pm
Brooke Burke’s ability to tighten that back up after having children…
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:31 pm
And by saying, “after we finish” I mean after I finish.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:32 pm
I think I’m about to end all this silliness with my next pick.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:33 pm
Dana Plato’s robbery skills
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:33 pm
All of Ivanka Trump and that’s my final answer…talk about underrated. This is like getting Purple Jesus in the 10th round.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:34 pm
Cindy Brunson’s lower torso. I’ve never actually seen it, but what could possibly go wrong?
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:34 pm
Dave Chappelle’s sense of humor.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:34 pm
Rachel Bilson’s tits.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:34 pm
Mandy Moore’s legs…
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:35 pm
Check that – Mila Kunis’ legs
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:35 pm
I’m drafting something off of Cindy Crawford in her prime. I know I have to be specific, but I just can’t make up my mind. I’ll take her head. I’m a sucker for brunettes. The brown eyes and even the mole her her a delightful pick.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:38 pm
Upstate Underdog:
D’oh! Monica Bellucci totally slipped my mind. Well played, old sport!
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Laura Bertram’s head. Cute and smart.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:40 pm
Laetitia Casta’s Hair.
I am building one hell of a mami.
1. Vida Guerra’s Ass
2. Sofia Vergara’s Tits
3. Michelle Rodriguez’s Stomach
4. Roslyn Sanchez’s head
5. Laetitia Casta’s hair
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:40 pm
Eff Oprah, Lakshmi Mittal’s daughter’s inheritance………$22.5 Billion
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:41 pm
yeah, Gino. I’m a big fan of hers.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:41 pm
Linda Blair’s tits in 1977 (Exorcist 2).
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:44 pm
yeah. i’m gonna have to go with jillian beyor’s torso
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:45 pm
Bar Rafaeli’s rack
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:46 pm
Rachel Nichols’ over-annunciating mouth
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Anyone take Jamie Lee Curtis’ boobs circa 1984 yet?
YOINK
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Amy Poehler’s sense of humor.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:49 pm
John John The Bastard:
You’re building One Fine Mamajama. Could you clone her and send me a copy?
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:51 pm
Nelly Fertado’s face, I’ve always had a bit of a crush on her.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:54 pm
I’ll be honest…close to an hour, and I’m surprised that no one has mentioned an asian yet
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:54 pm
I’ll take the ass of the chick that hosts Top Chef. Sorry if somebody had designs on her scarred arm.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:54 pm
Sweet, I get another pick. I’m taking “Vacation”-era Christie Brinkley’s legs. I’ll keep the rest for parts. I took Beyoncé, Cindy Crawford and Christie Brinkley off the board! THEORETICAL SCORE!
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:54 pm
Cristiano Ronaldo’s legs – both because they are very nice looking and because they are the tools of a cold-blooded assassin.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:54 pm
Allison Stokke’s hands. Just don’t tell her Dad
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:55 pm
Sunny Leone’s personality. Down-to-Earth and humble instead of stuck up and full of herself? Check. Extremely cool and interested in sports? Check. Porn star who lists her favorite sexual positions as “All”? Check and mate.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:56 pm
Angela Gossows voice. For those who don’t know who that, she is the lead singer of Archenemy. Because I am pretty sure a death metal orgasm would be the greatest climax of all time.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:57 pm
gemma atkinson’s head…garden hoses and golf balls come to mind…
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:59 pm
Jessica Alba’s ass
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:00 pm
@John John: helluva a draft. Gotta ask though, when you draft someone’s head, doesn’t that already include hair, making your pick of Laetitia Casta’s hair moot? I was under the impression that when you draft someone’s head, you get the whole deal, hair, eyes, lips, face, etc.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:02 pm
@Squirmin Thurman: I think Hustler of Culture took Alba off the board earlier.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:02 pm
Alice L. Walton’s bank account. She is the daughter of Wal-Mart founder Sam Walton . She has an estimated net worth of about $18 billion.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:03 pm
i got here late, i don’t know if my pick counts, but Evangeline Lilly’s torso.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:04 pm
I believe that would be a valid point Miami, but better safe than sorry. Now I just have to think of a good vagine and I will be set. I have never been more ashamed of my lack of vaginal knowledge as I am now.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:05 pm
Jodie Foster’s ability to have sex with other women while I watch
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:05 pm
Phoebe Cates’ sweet teenage tatties.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:05 pm
I’ll take Sarah Jessica Parker’s nothing.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:09 pm
I’m throwing out my earlier picks and taking Rebecca Romane’s character from X-Men. I believe that she is a shapeshifter. That is value for your money my friends. Matt Millen does not agree with this pick.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:09 pm
@John John: just channel your inner-Karl Malone and think young when picking a vag and I’m sure you’ll do fine
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:10 pm
I will take Denise Richard’s brain for 100, Alex.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:10 pm
Christina Ricci’s lower half…god why did I wait so long to remember her!?
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:12 pm
keeley hazell’s ass
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:12 pm
David Boreanaz’s character on Bones is very cool and not at all insecure about his female partner being intelligent and kind of a tomboy. Whatever you call that, I want it.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:13 pm
I got it, Jamie Pressley’s box looked pretty nice in Playboy a few years back. So I pick that then.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:14 pm
Hayden Panettiere’s snatch. It just seems like it would be clean and nicely groomed to totally shaved.
I can’t believe no one has picked one of her body parts yet.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:14 pm
Dammit!
Allesandra Ambrosia’s ass.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:14 pm
Next pick: the $22.9 billion bank account of the world’s richest woman, Liliane Bettencourt.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:14 pm
for my second choice, I select the freshly wiped asshole (not ass, asshole) of Hillary Duff. I shall be placing my stuff inside the asshole I now own of Hillary Duff
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:15 pm
Goddamit UU That was a way better pick
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:16 pm
@Upstate Underdog: I don’t know how fresh Hayden’s snatch would be – she is banging Milo Ventimiglia
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:17 pm
I’m taking something off of Famke Janssen. I’m not sure what yet, but I’m taking her off the board because she’s super hot. Oh, I got it! I’ll take her thigh power. If I were to die by having my ribs collapsed by a chick’s thighs while we were in the act of sexual congress, I think Famke Janssen is a fine choice.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:18 pm
To recap my draft:
-Miley Cyrus’ vagina
-Scarlett Johansson’s tits
-Shakira’s ass
-Uma Thurman’s legs
-Anna Kournikova’s abs
-Aishwariya’s Rai’s head (taken to include hair, eyes, lips, face, etc.)
-Sunny Leone’s personality
-Liliane Bettencourt’s wealth
I build winners like Vince Lombardi used to.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:19 pm
JJTB, sorry for stealing Rihanna’s legs and Hayden’s snatch.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:19 pm
@smurfette: I don’t think you’re competing with anyone so this dude you’re building is going to be the equivalent of a superman.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:20 pm
@miamid, you said to think young.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:21 pm
Missy Peregrym’s face. if you don’t know her, you should start watching reaper, just for her.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:21 pm
i’ll take the legs of monica bellucci.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:24 pm
SMURFETTE-
May I suggest something, anything, from Sir Sean Connery? The guy you’re making would be so Super Bad that he’d steal all the women that the rest of us retatrds are building.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:24 pm
My Mets cap. Because I am sucker for a girl wearing an ballcap that is just a little too big for her. (FMRA – I am lookin in your direction)
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:25 pm
carol burnette’s and her tarzan yell of the 1970’s
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:26 pm
BANKMEISTER:
Sorry, man, Monica’s off the board. She got stolen from me a few rounds back.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:30 pm
@UU: you’re right. Bonus points (I suppose) for picking a legal snatch while I didn’t.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:31 pm
In my recap, I forgot I drafted Joey Lauren Adams’ voice. So my bitch is gonna look and sound hot. Huzzah!
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:32 pm
@gino: nah, bro. you took brinkley’s legs. monica’s are mine.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:32 pm
ah, nevermind.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:33 pm
Anna Farris (girl from Scary Movie series) personality
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:33 pm
scratch it, then. i’ll take louise glover’s legs.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:33 pm
american pie Shannon ELizabeth’s sweater kittens.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:35 pm
Miami since you are apparently my talent scout, who has good tattoos that is not Angelina Jolie?
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Dana Jacob’s liver.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:36 pm
@DC/Gino: True, I may not have to worry about my picks getting poached, but that doesn’t make it any less enjoyable to imagine. Not a bad suggestion in Sean Connery, but I’m gonna go with the voice of Leonidas (Gerard Butler) in 300. Honestly, that movie is a goddamn aphrodisiac.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Make that Dana Jacobsen
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:39 pm
Since I missed much of this, I’m forgoing the rules because all of these would have been early picks for me and no one else would take them anyway, so here goes:
Lacey Chabert’s entire upper half (breasts up to her hair)
Jessica Cirio’s entire lower half (abs all the way down to big toe)
The Philadelphia Eagles Cheerleader outfits.
That’s all I can think of for now.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:41 pm
Kelly Carlson’s legs
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:42 pm
Vana White’s butt from the spread in Playboy several years ago. Now there was a perfect ass.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:43 pm
Here’s an obscure regional pick: I’m taking the sweet, nurturing demeanor of the lovely Latina in the Taco Time ads. Taco Time restaurants are mainly in the western US (and even western Canada), so most of you won’t get the reference. Anyway, the girl in these commercials is hot in a sweet, innocent way.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:44 pm
@John John: hmm, tattoos. Angelina is obviously the queen, though she’s off the board. I’d say Megan Fox, but dick gozinia took her off the board already. Plus, some of Megan’s tattoos are retarded. I don’t really know which famous hot chicks have doggie-style tattoos (a.k.a. tramp stamps). I would humbly suggest you take Alyssa Milano’s tattoos, which per her IMDB biography, include a sacred heart on her behind, a fairy kneeling in grass on her hip, rosary beads on her back, an angel on her left ankle, an Orobous (a snake biting its own tail) on her right wrist, an “om” on the other wrist and a garland of flowers around her right ankle.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:44 pm
Asia Carrera’s vaginal sensitivity. Why yes I would be interested in a woman who describes her entire vagina as one big clit. Everytime I think I am done I get more inspiration.
To Recap
- Vida Guerra’s Ass
- Sofia Vergara’s Boobies
- Michelle Rodriguez’s Stomach
- Roslyn Sanchez’s Head
- Giselle Bundchen’s Legs
- Laetitia Casta’s Hair (Rendered moot by MiamiDeisel)
- Lucille Bluth’s Alchohol Tolerance
- Angela Gossow’s Voice
- Jamie Pressley’s Lady Parts
- My Met’s Cap
- Asia Carrera’s lack of a need for clitoral stimulation
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:48 pm
@ Brock – Great Peregrym pick. Her body in Stick It was the route I would have gone though. If you haven’t seen that, it’s worth it.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:49 pm
@ Gino Tourettsa
I know what ads you’re talking about. I don’t even like Taco Time and I’m buying what that girl is selling.
What’s she doing making regional commercials?
I like that girl too. In fact, I’ll take the girl from Taco Time’s taco.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:50 pm
Hmm…I’m sensing some nice tie-ins between this week’s draft and Wade & Jerry. Is this because Buzz has an overly horse themed office?
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:51 pm
I’ll take Dame Judy Dench’s thespian ability.
[huh, huh..."thespian."]
/giggles uncontrollably
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:52 pm
@John John: you may also want to check out this website for more ideas.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:52 pm
Katherine Heigl’s entire lower half, minus her apparent fertility.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:54 pm
as to the Peregrym pick, that is so true, however, I’m a slightly bigger fan of lost, and my god, the ones where Kate has to wash herself…well, let’s just say my head is about to explode. and i’m not sure which one’s popping off first.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:55 pm
Naomi Campbell’s craziness…
(and her lips)
/don’t kill me BDD!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:57 pm
Suzyn Waldman’s voice
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:58 pm
Has Mitch Albom’s hair been taken yet?
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:59 pm
Whoa, off-topic:
ESPN is reporting that Marvin Harrison was “allegedly involved in a shooting” in Philly. At the very least, the gun used in the incident is owned by him. Also, WTF, apparently he owns like 25 guns. Sigh.
May 2nd, 2008 at 4:01 pm
I pickAnne French’s Tatoos.
Thanks for the advice.
My apologies if that hyperlink didn’t work I suck at that shit.
May 2nd, 2008 at 4:01 pm
My turn for a recap:
Charlize Theron’s skin
Emilie de Ravin sweet auzzie accent
Christina Agulera’s Tits
Hillary Clinton’s ability to forgive
Aeon Flux’s flexability
Nelly Fertado’s face
Christina Ricci’s lower half
But damn, my girl is broke.
Martha Stewart’s Cash and now I’m done. Yes my girl hair, but she can wear wigs.
May 2nd, 2008 at 4:02 pm
Good looking out MD, good looking out. I think my draft is complete. Unless I can think of a good pair of glasses.
/exposing my fetishes.
May 2nd, 2008 at 4:03 pm
JJTB-
Lisa Loeb’s eyewear?
May 2nd, 2008 at 4:05 pm
@ smaaron
Thank you! I’m glad somebody understands the Taco Time Girl pick. Our Taco Time girl SHOULD do national commercials, but then we’d have to share her with other retards around the world. I looked for her on youtube.com but found nothing. Does anybody else know this girl?
May 2nd, 2008 at 4:06 pm
Eva Braun’s loyalty.
May 2nd, 2008 at 4:08 pm
I REALLY hope this isn’t who you guys are talking about.
http://stevegarufi.com/tacotime4.jpg
And I’ll take Elizabeth Hurley’s midsection pre-childbirth.
May 2nd, 2008 at 4:09 pm
Nah I think I am done, but thanks for the suggestion QS
May 2nd, 2008 at 4:10 pm
I already won, no reason to pile on
May 2nd, 2008 at 4:12 pm
Ananda Lewis’ long curly hair. More for me to pull while hittin’ that from the back. YeeeeeeeHaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, I am fuckin’ crazy.
May 2nd, 2008 at 4:12 pm
re: this MarHar stuff, I predict that “hands like a ninja” is soon going to join the ranks of “drink like a champion” and “make it rain.” Apparently that is how one witness describes Marvin beating the shit out of a patron at one of the bars he owns in Philly. Yikes. It’s always the quiet ones.
May 2nd, 2008 at 4:12 pm
@John John: good looking out for the tattoos. Your pick has inspired me to pick some tats for my own chick. I’m going to go with Sophie Anderton’s back tattoo coupled with Sara Spraker’s front tattoos. I’m a huge fan of doggie-style tattoos, and Sophie’s is bad ass, and Sara has them everywhere I want them (ankle, bikini area) on the front. WOOHOO
May 2nd, 2008 at 4:23 pm
Lindsay Lohan’s joie de vivre.
May 2nd, 2008 at 4:25 pm
@smurphette
Aaaaand my boner’s dead now…
May 2nd, 2008 at 4:26 pm
JOHN JOHN THE BASTARD:
You’re building one fine Frankenchick, but you haven’t won yet. Pile on. Wormfather and miamidiesel have some created some real winners.
May 2nd, 2008 at 4:31 pm
Ali MacGraw’s mouth in Love Story. Not the actual mouth; the swearing like a sailor.
(I’ll take her shiny hair too.)
May 2nd, 2008 at 4:31 pm
Carmella Decesare’s sweet lil’ snatch hasn’t been taken yet? Does everyone have a Garcia flag on their draft board?
May 2nd, 2008 at 4:31 pm
Farthammer, I am fucking YOUR sex frankenstein…
May 2nd, 2008 at 4:32 pm
Alright Geno, if you insist. Adrianne Curry’s afinity for weed.
May 2nd, 2008 at 4:32 pm
What about Shay Laren’s rack?
May 2nd, 2008 at 4:34 pm
@smurphette
Where are you finding the “hands like a ninja” thing?
/not my sexy trait pick, seriously
May 2nd, 2008 at 4:39 pm
Jennifer Lopez’s ass
/steal of the draft
// does this count for 2 picks?
May 2nd, 2008 at 4:40 pm
@naptown drew: The radio guy who was breaking the news on Outside the Lines said that one of the witnesses used that phrase to describe Marvin’s ability to fuck your shit up. Sorry about the loss of boner.
May 2nd, 2008 at 4:47 pm
Most women can’t drive for shit, so I’ll go with Danica Patrick’s car-driving ability.
May 2nd, 2008 at 4:49 pm
Hmm, oddly enough, it seems some of my comments (like my first suggestion for tattoos to John John and my own subsequent selection of tattoos) are getting caught “awaiting moderation”, so I’m not sure everyone else can see them. Anyways, so there’s no doubts, here’s my chick up to now:
-Miley Cyrus’ vagina
-Scarlett Johansson’s tits
-Shakira’s ass
-Uma Thurman’s legs
-Anna Kournikova’s abs
-Aishwariya’s Rai’s head (taken to include hair, eyes, lips, face, etc.)
-Sunny Leone’s personality
-Liliane Bettencourt’s wealth
-Joey Lauren Adams’ voice
-Sophie Anderton’s back tattoos & Sara Spraker’s front tattoos
To which I’ll add Sara Larson’s (Clooney’s latest girl) love of drinking. I’d hyperlink some pics of all these, but it seems every time I do that my comment winds up stuck awaiting moderation. So maybe later…
May 2nd, 2008 at 4:55 pm
Kayla Marie’s ass, which is like taking a D-II running back in the 3rd, but I don’t care if it’s a stretch.
May 2nd, 2008 at 4:57 pm
Terri Schiavo’s crossword puzzle skills.
May 2nd, 2008 at 5:00 pm
Giada De Laurentiis’ ability to give me an erection while watching a cooking show.
May 2nd, 2008 at 5:03 pm
Kate Hudson’s sweet sweet ass.
May 2nd, 2008 at 5:04 pm
MD I see em.
May 2nd, 2008 at 5:06 pm
Buffie the Body’s ass. I believe I win for best ass on a Frankenchick.
May 2nd, 2008 at 5:08 pm
Here’s my Draft Day 2008 recap so far, plus a supplemental pick which was acquired in a baffling series of trades:
- Beyoncé’s pelvic region, including ass, hips and hot pocket (before any Jay-Z spelunking, that is)
- Cindy Crawford’s head and all its component parts
- Christy Brinkley’s legs
- Famke Janssen’s thigh adduction power
- The sweet, nurturing demeanor of a girl in a regional taco commercial
PLUS: I’m drafting Neve Campbell and her enthusiastic willingness to double-team a dude, as she did with Denise Richards (off the board) in “Wild Things”. I’ve never even seen the flick, but I know Matt Dillon is one luckey bastard. She’s also Canadian so she’ll be polite when she’s making me a post-coital sandwich with a beer on the side.
May 2nd, 2008 at 5:11 pm
Laugh all you want, but my second round pick is going to be Yoko Ono’s financial sense.
May 2nd, 2008 at 5:12 pm
shirley hemphill’s afro
May 2nd, 2008 at 5:14 pm
Ashley Force’s hair
http://deadspin.com/384934/tart-like-a-wheel
So that’s:
Sienna Miller’s face
Bar Rafieli’s rack
Allesandra Ambrosia’s ass
Kelly Carlson’s legs
Elizabeth Hurley’s midsection pre-childbirth
Ashley Force’s hair
Zero procuctivity this afternoon
Thanks KSK!
May 2nd, 2008 at 5:23 pm
BDD’s weight
May 2nd, 2008 at 5:24 pm
I’m taking Ursula Andress in her prime 007 “Dr. No” Days and her ability to emerge from the ocean in a very sexy way. I’m drafting her, of course, before Sean Connery got to her on the film set.
May 2nd, 2008 at 5:27 pm
Elle MacPherson’s perfect legs.
She’s “The Body” people!
May 2nd, 2008 at 5:31 pm
Lassie’s obedience.
May 2nd, 2008 at 5:33 pm
a vagina that, upon sex with her, will go back to “first time past cherry popping” tightness everytime.
May 2nd, 2008 at 5:38 pm
Damn! I was gonna draft Elle as a sleeper pick. Good call, man. My new pick is Roma Downing (of “Touched By An Angel” fame) and her fine-ass County Derry northern-Irish brogue. As another supplemental pick (via baffling series of trades), I’m taking the Irish Corrs sisters and their Celtic hotness, céilidh cráic and fáilte hospitality.
May 2nd, 2008 at 5:51 pm
Camilla Belle’s head (taken to include hair, eyes, lips, face, etc.)
May 2nd, 2008 at 6:08 pm
Heidi Klum’s torso. She’s fired out 3 kids and its still perfect. God bless Germany.
May 2nd, 2008 at 6:16 pm
i don’t know it i can, but i’m switching my missy peregrym face and katherine heigle lower half. that seems a bit better. and my final pick, i’m taking tina faye’s personality. so for me that’s:
the torso of evageline lilly
the boobs of american pie ere shannon elizabeth
the lower half of missy peregrym
the face of katherine heigl
the personality of scarface
and because i can’t believe no one doing this:
the bank account of the queen of englad.
dude, i think i win.
May 2nd, 2008 at 7:17 pm
brock = fail. 2 Personalities? WTF, you making Sybil? And where the fuck is englad?
May 2nd, 2008 at 7:31 pm
what two personalities? tina “scarface” fey?
May 2nd, 2008 at 7:47 pm
In the third round, I’ll be adding Linda Lovelace’s throat to my Frankenstein bride.
May 2nd, 2008 at 9:24 pm
No asians you say… Lucy Liu’s head ftw!
A hot asian with freckles… sold
May 2nd, 2008 at 9:46 pm
Really? No one thought of this?
Suzy Kolber’s lips.
May 2nd, 2008 at 9:51 pm
Brigitte Bardot.
Good night and thanks for coming out everyone.
May 2nd, 2008 at 9:54 pm
Margaret Thatcher (any part).
What, none of you finds power sexy?
May 2nd, 2008 at 10:44 pm
Rose Byrne’s head is a total steal at this point in the draft.
May 2nd, 2008 at 11:15 pm
Benazir Bhutto was WAY hotter than Margaret Thatcher.
May 2nd, 2008 at 11:41 pm
Jennifer Aniston’s nipples.
My gosh, those things got more screen time on “Friends” than some of the cast members.
May 2nd, 2008 at 11:46 pm
Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes’s deadness
May 3rd, 2008 at 12:28 am
How about Shakira’s kiegels?
May 3rd, 2008 at 12:41 am
If this thread is not the pinnacle of the internets, I don’t know what is.
May 3rd, 2008 at 12:56 am
I’m drafting Scottish actress Kelly MacDonald’s hot Scottish-ness.
May 3rd, 2008 at 1:10 am
eliza dushku’s ability to jump to the plane, because daddy will save you.
May 3rd, 2008 at 10:28 am
Carmella DeCesare’s torso. She’s been mentioned but not taken.
May 3rd, 2008 at 11:54 am
Melyssa Ford’s torso… everything from pelvis to shoulders!
Why.. well, here is why.. http://realtalkny.rawkus.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/MelyssaFordInMaximMagazine_4770/m4.jpg
May 3rd, 2008 at 3:44 pm
Fourth pick, I’m going with a utility player in the form of Vanessa Minillo’s entire body.
May 3rd, 2008 at 3:56 pm
Jenny Finch’s pitching arm. Or rack.
Still vacillating…
May 3rd, 2008 at 6:44 pm
I’m taking Eva Mendes’ smoky Latina-ness.
May 4th, 2008 at 1:48 am
Note: it hasn’t been 10 posts, but it has been 15 hours. And I’m drunk, and sitting in a truckstop in Wheeling, WV.
Face / Skintone : Victoria’s Secret model Jarah Mariano. At 270, she’s the steal of the draft.
May 4th, 2008 at 3:26 am
Not to get all John Clayton, but I’m gonna say Miamidiesel gets the 100% A+ in this one. Primarily because of his 11th round STEAL of Sara Larson. Yeah, she demonstrated the drinking tolerance at the combine, but her ability to play through injury after basically walking off a motorcycle crash? I’d put Miami’s thinking outside the measurables right up there with the Niners drafting Montana.
May 4th, 2008 at 4:51 am
/pukes due to over-indulgence on 7 & 7’s
/wants to draft Giselle’s ass. Is it taken?
May 4th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
Since no one has commented since early this morning…Ill just run through mine…
Jada Pinkett Smith’s head
Angie Harmon’s torso minus the breast
Jen Sterger’s Breast minus the nipples
Lena Heady’s Nipples
Nicole Scherzinger’s legs
Gabrielle Union’s ass
Maria Menounos’ vagina
Jenna Fischer’s “Pam” personality
Tawny Kitaen’s uninhibitedness
Tara Reid’s alcohol tolerance
May 4th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
Kathy Ireland’s legs, one of which can boot field goals from 40 yards out…
So far I’ve got:
Adriana Lima’s eyes.
Kathy Ireland’s legs.
May 4th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
Okay, I CAN NOT believe she hasn’t been named yet…SO
I’ll take Shania Twain’s everthing…..lips, body, legs, etc.
She’s my perfect woman.
May 4th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
Carmella DeCesare’s torso (1st pick) I guess this is the entire upper body – tits.
Jarah Mariano’s face (2nd pick)
Beth Ostrosky’s legs.
Cristina Scabbia’s voice/talent (lead singer of Lacuna Coil)
Yoko Matsugane’s tits (she’s a Japanese AV/porn star.)
Megan Good’s ass/hips.
Gia Paloma’s love of penis.
Dominique Dawes’s flexibility.
May 4th, 2008 at 8:20 pm
Yoko Ono’s ability to sow destruction amongst the Gods.
May 4th, 2008 at 9:44 pm
It’s been five and a half hours, so I’m picking again…
Screw it, I’m filling out my whole sheet, just like those other guys:
–Adriana Lima’s eyes.
–Kathy Ireland’s legs, so she can kick field goals.
–Vanessa Angel’s lips. (She was on ‘Weird Science’ the TV show.)
–Tiffany Amber Thiessen’s ability to look hot in a denim jacket.
–Cheryl Cole’s skin.
–Tyra Banks’ chesticles.
–Gimma Attkinson’s ass. (Ronaldo’s ex-gf…the preppy hair gel lovin’ Ronaldo, NOT the wanna bang a tranny Ronaldo.)
–The U-20 soccer streaker’s face (below the eyes) … Sorry guys, I visited the Offside Rules today…
May 4th, 2008 at 11:25 pm
I’ll take Marlee Matlin’s inability to say “no.”
May 5th, 2008 at 1:51 am
I took Yoko Ono already. It’s really not hard to figure out if someone is off the board, just do a word search for their name. Idiots.
I really can’t believe she’s still unclaimed, so with my fifth pick I’m taking Josie Maran’s head. Giving me:
1. Danica Patrick’s driving ability
2. Yoko Ono’s financial sense
3. Linda Lovelace’s throat
4. Vanessa Minillo’s body
5. Josie Maran’s head.
I think that gives me pretty much everything I need. I’ll have to sit tight and see if Rachel Ray survives long enough for me to draft her cooking ability.
May 5th, 2008 at 9:48 am
I’ll go with Eva Pigford’s legs… very nice!
http://img513.imageshack.us/img513/5466/eva1gl2.jpg
http://www3.24h.com.vn/upload/news/2005-09-09/EvaPigford4.jpg
Recap:
- Lucy Liu’s head
- Melyssa Ford’s torso
- Eva Pigford’s legs
May 5th, 2008 at 10:24 pm
I know I’m late to the party, but I cannot believe they’re not taken already…
Jewel’s teeth… er I mean TEETS!
May 6th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
[...] A Sexual Frankenstein Draft? (Kissing Suzy Kolber) [...]
May 14th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
Phat Farm Store…
I found your site on technorati and read a few of your other posts. Keep up the good work. I just added your RSS feed to my Google News Reader. Looking forward to reading more from you….
March 31st, 2009 at 5:04 pm
Guten Tag Nelly, you hairy spamming ballsack. Please fuck off.
However, thank you for bringing this old post to my attention.
and since you boys left all of her parts on the board, I’ll once again invoke the Esther Baxter
basically I’ll take two of everything she’s got
throw on a fresh, clean vagina
take the LEFT brain of Oprah, because that’s the part that made her rich.
and the right brain of Debra Wilson, because that’s the part that got all the tatts and made her take her tits out all the time on MadTV
that chick would pretty much get a ring from me