If You’re Gonna Have a Hotel Rendezvous With A Dallas Cheerleader, You’re Gonna Need A Fitted Sheet
I spent the last three days in Richmond, Virginia. Richmond, The Hartford Of The South! I stayed at a hotel which was, in most respects, delightful. But it had a few tragic flaws. First of all, it had no pay-per-view porn of any kind on the options menu. Fucking Southern hypocrites. There’s an entire bottle of free body lotion in the bathroom with my penis’s name on it (That name? “The Bull.”). You’re telling me all I have to masturbate to is my imagination? That’s bullshit.
Second of all, and this is something every middle-of-the-pack hotel does: No fitted sheets on the bed. I think we’re all quite familiar with the standard hotel bed. It consists of one bottom sheet, one top sheet, one ratty blanket, and one bedspread that hasn’t been washed in over six decades. Mine likely still had traces of Charles Robb’s DNA on it. Anyway, these beds are made so tightly, it’s like sleeping under a goddamn sheet of Cling Wrap. And, since they never use fitted sheets, anytime I try pulling the sheets out from under the mattress to get some breathing room, the whole goddamn thing comes undone.
I am a restless sleeper. I toss. I turn. I breathe heavily. I scratch myself. I even practice Tae Kwon Do. I rotate sleeping positions like I’ve been skewered on a goddamn spit. Back, side, stomach, side, back, side, etc. As a result, I have never slept in a standard issue hotel bed without waking up the next day splayed out on a bare mattress with a laundry heap of sheets spilling over the side. This annoys the fuck out of me.
Are fitted sheets that expensive? Is there not enough room in a hotel budget for elastic? GET SOME FITTED SHEETS ON YOUR BEDS, HOTEL MANAGERS. Cornell University didn’t teach you JACK SHIT about proper hospitality.
Anyway, here are your cheerleaders for the week. Did you know one of the Cowboys’ cheerleaders is named Starr Spangler? I bet she’s seen a hotel bed or two.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, learning to run a business, returning to your own bed is bliss, The Friday Cheerleader Posts
May 16th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
Love the cheerleaders. Now stop staying at the Motel 6 on Broad St and you’ll be fine.
May 16th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
I’d buy Star Spangler for a dollar.
May 16th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
Three days in Richmond? Yikes.
What did you do to get that kind of punishment? Sucker punch a nun?
May 16th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
Lived in Richmond for a year, that year sucked. Anyway, you should have stayed at the Omni downtown, it’s a decent hotel and it’s a stone’s throw away from some good bars.
May 16th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
No hotel porn? Hopefully they had one of those all you can eat hot breakfast buffets.
May 16th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
If the cover for my mattress slips off even one corner in the middle of the night. I have to get up and pull it back down.
Yes, I am insane.
May 16th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
George Costanza approves this message.
May 16th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
No hotel porn? Hopefully they had one of those all you can eat hot breakfast buffets.
Yeah, that’s usually where I spank it, too.
May 16th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Starr Spangler???
I now have a name for my right hand.
May 16th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
Worse is when they DO have the fitted sheet, but it’s a shitty one that slips-off all night long… I mean, if there’s no fitted sheet, then there’s no fitted sheet: end of story. But if there is a fitted sheet, you’ll spend all damn night trying to get that thing to work. Fuckers!
May 16th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
@Dickens, that’s where I stayed.
May 16th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
I’m mildly annoyed by the sheet situation, but I’m way more concerned with the lack of a quality pillow. And nothing annoyed me more than when I was traveling for business with a food stipend and I’d get stuck at a hotel with no free continental breakfast. You cannot eat 3 meals on $30/day if breakfast isn’t free.
May 16th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
Starr Spangler is a very patriotic stripper name.
May 16th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
@dick, when I travel i get to make my own hotel reservations and only stay at places with free breakfast. Hampton Inn and Residence Inn are always my first 2 choices.
May 16th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
Strangler? I hardly know her!
Oh… Spangler? Eh, whatever.
May 16th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
Ol’ Bob Pooner is a richmond resident, although not a native….When the hotel doesnt offer the porns thats when call girls show up under miscellanous expense on the travel chit. Does anyone say chit anymore? Well they oughta…
May 16th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
i think her dad was a ghost buster
May 16th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
@ Big Daddy Balls
Haha well, all I can say is the one night I stayed there I was hooking up with a pretty attractive girl (for once in my life). So I had a fun time at the Omni, I guess its all subjective huh?
May 16th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
@Uff
I call shenanigans! With one hand on your pistol and any other appendages attached to your penis, you clearly have nothing available to strangle cheerleaders.
May 16th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
Also, @BDB
This will make your 2012 bloggerific visit to my fair city a relative wet dream. All the hotel porn you would ever want, quite comfortable beds in every (even the shitty ones and trust me I know) hotel, and a lack of real, actual, in-the-flesh women without dental issues to test your marriage.
May 16th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
I actually went to school with Starr Spangler (TCU)… I’m quite sure she’s spangled a few starrs in her day.
May 16th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
This is the reason why you should wrap your bed in Saran Wrap before going to sleep. And if you get up in the morning without suffocating yourself, then even better.
/Nothing says a good night’s rest like Saran Wrap.
May 16th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
http://www.dallascowboys.com/cheerleaders/squad2005/squad_StarrSpangler.cfm
May 16th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
No porn? Was there no internet access?
May 16th, 2008 at 5:16 pm
It consists of one bottom sheet, one top sheet, one ratty blanket, and one bedspread that hasn’t been washed in over six decades. Mine likely still had traces of Charles Robb’s DNA on it.
That made my day. Nay, my week.
I spent my 21st birthday in Richmond. How sad is that.
May 16th, 2008 at 8:05 pm
Naptown Drew’s not exaggerating about the ladies and the dental issues. I lived in Indy for two years. That place is an orthodontist’s nightmare.
May 17th, 2008 at 12:40 am
Drew, if I ever find out you are responsible for those Jared commercials….
May 29th, 2008 at 5:21 pm
Starr Spangler does have one heck of a name but it’s beautiful and she worked hard to become a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader, the most respected cheerleaders in the world. Stop trying to make yourselves feel better putting others down/making fun of them. She carries the name well, confident and proud while being genuine and kind to all around her.