Wade: Well, that was quite a draft we had for ourselves. I really like this Jones kid. He’s gonna really help open up our offense in new ways. Dag gummit, I’m excited! This is gonna be some fun havin’ all these weapons out on the field! Yessiree, I think we could turn a whole new corner this year.

Well, you know what? I do believe that I am just a touch TOO excited. Oh, dear. Little Wade, stop actin’ up like that! You know we talked about doin’ this sort of thing during daylight hours! Ain’t no good gonna come from it!

Then again, it sure is quiet around here. I couldn’t possibly… could I? I dunno, Wade. That sounds awful dangerous. You were damn near caught red-handed just the other week. NO. Nonononononono.

Maybe.

Okay, yes.

(locks door)

Okay, time to fire up the ol’ computer.

(pulls down pants, logs onto givemepink.com)

Oh, my! Oh wow, that is somethin’. They’re really just all out there, ain’t they? Never ceases to amaze me.

(Firefox quits abruptly for no reason)

Doggone it! This Firefox program keeps quitting for no reason! Dang nammit!

(doorknob rattles)

Uh oh.

Jerry: Say, WHY IS THIS DOOR LOCKED?! Are you in there, Tubby! What are you doing in there?!

Wade: (pulls up pants) Uh… coming, sir!

Jerry: I bet you are!

Wade: Just one minute!

Jerry: What’s going on in there? Are you sitting on the floor surrounded by empty donut boxes again?! OPEN THIS DOOR, FATASS! THIS IS MY DOOR! YOU’RE RUINING MY ENTRANCE!

Wade: Hold on…

(door breaks, flies open)


Jerry: YEEEEEEEEHAAWWWWWW!!!!!! YIP YIP! YIPPPPPEEEEYAW!!!!!! Buenas dias, Senor Pauncho!

Wade: Oh, crud.

Jerry: WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE, you big fat masturbadon?! Jerking your Jimmy Dean on company time, are you?! I got half a mind to show your fat ass the door right now. Though I’m betting your ass has never been shown a door it wasn’t scared to death of going through!

Wade: Sir, nothing inappropriate was happening at all. In fact, the computer is down. I need to call IT.

Jerry: Oh, callin’ for IT, are you? I assume you’re trying to order an INTIRE TURKEY for yourself, eh Jennie-O? Cause if you ain’t jerkin’ somethin’, you’re sure as shit eatin’ somethin’. Lord knows you don’t stop to take a breath in between.

Wade: Nothing. Happened. This dang computer just keeps freezin’.

Jerry: Really, Florence Tubbingale? Well, I would have gotten you a laptop. BUT YOU AIN’T GOT NO LAP, BLOB EVANS! I suppose you won’t mind if I take a look now, will you?

Wade: I thought you said computers were for faggots, sir.

Jerry: And they are! But we live in one big, faggoty world now, my friend. The Double-J ain’t gonna fall behind the times! You better believe I know my way around a PC! Now, let me take a look at this thing. What do I use to steer this thing? There’s no gearshift!

Wade: You move the mouse, sir. But really, you don’t need to…

Jerry: A mouse? You fondle a fucking mouse to work this thing? Well, that is the gayest damn shit I ever heard, Hubba Bubba. What do we got here? “My Pictures” Wow, is that your family?

Wade: Yes. But like I said, the computer’s broken, so we should probably wait…

Jerry: Wow. Who knew they could all fit in the goddamn frame! You folks look like a big bag of Jet Puffed Marshmallows!

Wade: (very nervous) Thank you, sir. But I really do think you should just leave it…

Jerry: What’s this? “My History”?

Wade: NO! No no no, that’s nothing. You could freeze it up again, sir.

Jerry: “Givemepink.com”? I’m assuming that’s some sort of cotton candy lovers site, yes? (logs on)

Wade: SIR!

Jerry: HOOOOOOOOLEEE SHIT!!!!! Good God, I can practically see the roof of that girl’s mouth through her ass! You are one SICK FAT FUCK, chubbers!

Wade: (terrifed) Please, sir. I can explain, sir.

Jerry: And look at this Sandra girl! Holy dogshit! I didn’t even know you could put stuff in THAT hole! Maybe this computer shit ain’t so faggoty after all!

Wade: (terrifed) Please, sir. I’m begging for some discretion here.

Jerry: Oh never mind that shit, Fat Jemima. I don’t care about you gummin’ up yer keyboard with your special sauce. At least you ain’t looking at that chub porn. You can’t tell where one ass ends an the other begins when you look at that shit!

Wade: I was really just trying to open up a spreadsheet.

Jerry: Boy, the only sheet you spread is the one you use for your daily wing picnic out in the courtyard! Quit your groveling. You’ve given me a whole new idea, fatass. You know, we live in an awfully open society these days. What’s to stop anyone from hopping on this computin’ machine and checking out girls like this getting their asses hammered? I ask you: What?

Wade: Uh, nothing?

Jerry: Elementary, my dear Fatson. Nothing at all! We could use this at my new stadium!

Wade: Sir?

Jerry: Didn’t I tell you my boy ROMO was a goddamn star? Didn’t I? HE’S A GODDAMN STAR! Not only is he a star, but he’s a sex symbol! And he calls the shots for America’s sexiest team! I want my new stadium to be the most sensual new sports venue in the world! WHY SHOULD VEGAS HAVE A STRANGLEHOLD ON OPEN PUSSY?!

Wade: I think that’s a bad idea, sir. This is a family venue.

Jerry: Shut up, John Donut. If you can see it online, you should be able to see it at my stadium! Hey, Princeton Boy! Get in here!

Wade: What?

(door flies open)


Garrett: Oh, dear. A fat man with pornographic images at his computing station. Why, there’s something you see every day now, don’t you?

Wade: Oh be quiet, you big jerk.

Garrett: I’m just considering the machinations required for you to be able to manipulate yourself to orgasm. My engineering friends back in Princeton will be quite interested to know how you “pulled it off,” so to speak.

Wade: I hate you.

Jerry: Jason, what you think about having these young gash-spreaders at the opening of my new stadium?

Garrett: Hmm. Bold. Daring. Innovative. I like it, sir.

Wade: You’re just kissing his ass.

Jerry: Adam! Come look at what’s on coach’s computer!

Wade: No.

(door flies open)

Pacman: Them bitches be prudes. Ain’t no fire hose up in there. Pacman ain’t down wid it.

Jerry: Hmm. We need more feedback on this. Everyone! Can you all come in here please!

Wade: NO!

Jerry: Take a look at what Jerk Nowitzki was looking at in here.

Wade: This is the worst day ever.

Jerry: YEEEEHAW!!!! WOO HOO!!! LOOK AT THAT PORN! I’M A GODDAMN GENIUS, FATBAG! WHOOOOOOPEEEEE!!!! I AM GODDAMN CRAZY!!!