Goodell talks tough to owners; owners roll eyes, make jack-off gesture
Commissioner Roger Goodell announced this week that NFL teams will be subject to fines when their players are suspended for disciplinary reasons. While Rog was mum on the specifics, KSK has obtained a proposed schedule of fines. Here’s how much your favorite team will have to fork over for each transgression:
DUI (first offense): $25,000
DUI (repeat): $100,000, Zygi, what did you expect when you traded for Jared Allen???
Domestic violence: $75,000
Bitch had it coming: $5
Dog-fighting: Owner’s firstborn grandchild cast into the dreaded Fire-Pits of Indianapolis
Regular ol’ fighting: you owe me one gumball machine
Arson: $50,000
Arson (Comcast HQ): owner gets 15 minutes alone in the closet with Belichick’s MILF o’ the Week
Weapons violation: Spend weekend helping Bill Bidwell pick up aluminum cans (Luby’s Cafeteria isn’t cheap, y’know)
Drugs (possession): $15,000
Drugs (distribution): Must sign a McCown, a Gramatica or a Detmer.
Leading police on an interstate high-speed chase in a stolen Denali even though you’re down to the rims because they shot out your tires after they raided your crack bender at the LaQuinta with three underage Ukraine girls who were smuggled in just for the occasion: Half of whatever the owner is paying Chris Henry
May 21st, 2008 at 1:07 pm
What if the crime is especially hilarious?
May 21st, 2008 at 1:10 pm
ANY felony offense: Jerry Jones on line one…
May 21st, 2008 at 1:16 pm
Owning more illegal firearms than nico belic: Thats a paddlin’
Spygating: Thats a paddlin’
Making it “Rain”: Thats a paddlin’
Endzone Celebreation that pantomimes paddlin’ a canoe: Oh, you better believe that’s a paddlin’
May 21st, 2008 at 1:20 pm
What are the Jags going to have to pay for “Running a Locker Room Prostitution Ring?”
May 21st, 2008 at 1:44 pm
Hey Rog’ why dont you start public executions at half time? May god have mercy on your soul Chris Henry… (Henry thinks right before the trapdoor swings down: Does this mean I can drink and then drive my expensive luxury car anymore?)
May 21st, 2008 at 1:47 pm
getting shot in home: head coach fired
May 21st, 2008 at 1:56 pm
Murder of ex-wife and/or some waiter: Golf (Florida)
May 21st, 2008 at 1:56 pm
Vehicular homicide, resulting in the death of 3 teenagers: you have to hire Matt Millen as your GM.
May 21st, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Listen to the Maj gettin’ his E-mailings read on the Tirico and Van Pelt radio show…nice. Know Van Pizzle’s screen name on these interwebsblogs? Anyone?
May 21st, 2008 at 2:02 pm
Murdering your pregnant girlfriend: Renee Thomas and Angela Keathley booted off the cheerleading squad
May 21st, 2008 at 2:07 pm
The constitution specifically forbids signing a McCown, a Gramatica or a Detmer.
May 21st, 2008 at 2:17 pm
Domestic violence(4th receiver): immediate release
Domestic violence(Pro-Bowler): raise.
May 21st, 2008 at 2:18 pm
Pretty sure I heard a “coughblowjob!cough” from Mike Brown when Goodell announced this.
May 21st, 2008 at 2:30 pm
Does anyone else think this is kind of ridiculous and not at all a solution to the problem? Why on earth not simply enforce more stringent player penalties? Having teams pay a salutatory fine simply reeks of throwing money and empty gestures at a problem without ever actually getting to the root of it. If the NFL wants to make their players behave better, then don’t fucking let dumbasses and assholes play. What this says to me is that the NFL is almost choosing to foster idiot behavior buy building it into their business model.
#($&@(*^$(@#^$)
May 21st, 2008 at 2:31 pm
*BY not buy
May 21st, 2008 at 2:46 pm
Future Mrs.- there you go, bringing LOGIC into the NFL. Silly woman.
There’s nothing wrong with having teams subsidize the behavior of idiots and assholes. Oh wait, yes there is.
May 21st, 2008 at 2:52 pm
bringing LOGIC into the NFL: Thats a paddlin’.
May 21st, 2008 at 3:02 pm
Look, for the last time — I thought the cop was a prostitute.
May 21st, 2008 at 3:09 pm
@futuremrs
But if these men spent more time refining their civility and less time playing football, would we enjoy the game as much? Would any NFL franchise be able to field a successful team without dumbasses and assholes?
/avoids making Belichick/Moss/Harrison/Take Your Pick Joke
May 21st, 2008 at 3:10 pm
Bitch had it coming: $5
I’d like to start a tab, do you need my credit card?
May 21st, 2008 at 3:15 pm
@futuremrs
By the way, I forgot to say that I agree with you on an intellectual level. However, the NFL makes far too much money off its dumbasses and assholes to stop fostering their behavior. The owners simply wait for their dumbasses and assholes to reach the end of their contract. Then they replace them with a newer, healthier model fresh from college.
May 21st, 2008 at 3:33 pm
Wife slashes starting DB in the knee before the Super Bowl: bottle of control your bitch pills.
May 21st, 2008 at 3:35 pm
What’s the sign say?
No bare feet.
What’s that sign say!?
No fighting.
What’s that mean?
No fighting.
You owe me one gumball machine.
May 21st, 2008 at 3:41 pm
@j4b
WORD.
May 21st, 2008 at 4:17 pm
Does Barry Manilow know that Roger Goodell rates his wardrobe?
May 21st, 2008 at 4:51 pm
Wait, Luby’s cafeteria still exists???
May 22nd, 2008 at 2:00 am
Pick up that blood…
May 23rd, 2008 at 11:12 am
[...] A good article about the NFL owners opting out of the CBA - Link [...]
May 24th, 2008 at 5:43 am
Cheating your way to three illegitimate Super Bowls will still be punished by Goodell giving Kraf…the owner another handjob.
June 27th, 2008 at 5:21 pm
Great post….