Commissioner Roger Goodell announced this week that NFL teams will be subject to fines when their players are suspended for disciplinary reasons. While Rog was mum on the specifics, KSK has obtained a proposed schedule of fines. Here’s how much your favorite team will have to fork over for each transgression:

DUI (first offense): $25,000

DUI (repeat): $100,000, Zygi, what did you expect when you traded for Jared Allen???

Domestic violence: $75,000

Bitch had it coming: $5

Dog-fighting: Owner’s firstborn grandchild cast into the dreaded Fire-Pits of Indianapolis

Regular ol’ fighting: you owe me one gumball machine

Arson: $50,000

Arson (Comcast HQ): owner gets 15 minutes alone in the closet with Belichick’s MILF o’ the Week

Weapons violation: Spend weekend helping Bill Bidwell pick up aluminum cans (Luby’s Cafeteria isn’t cheap, y’know)

Drugs (possession): $15,000

Drugs (distribution): Must sign a McCown, a Gramatica or a Detmer.

Leading police on an interstate high-speed chase in a stolen Denali even though you’re down to the rims because they shot out your tires after they raided your crack bender at the LaQuinta with three underage Ukraine girls who were smuggled in just for the occasion: Half of whatever the owner is paying Chris Henry