From The Offices of Rep. Shuler
Hi.
My name is Heath Shuler. I represent North Carolina’s 11th congressional district.
My scabs taste like honey mustard sauce.
I was taken by the Washington Redskins with the 4th overall selection in the 1995 NFL Draft.
I am a superdupergate.
As such, it is my responsibility to choose who will be our party’s nominee for the presidency.
Yesterday, the voters in my state sent an overwhelming mandate that the Democratic Party should be represented by Barack Obama in the general election.
That’s when I pulled something out of my patented bag of quarterback tricks and called an audible.
I sold my vote for Fun Dip.
During my days with the Redskins, there was this one game where I threw six interceptions. Worse than the usual five. President Bill Clinton was at RFK with First Lady Hillary Clinton, First Daughter Chelsea Clinton and a bunch of cool people who weren’t Gus Frerotte. Is he still in the league? Well, I’m still in Congress. Incumbency is harder to lose than a starting job!
Anyway, the president told me story about the time he met RFK’s brother and I laughed because stadiums don’t have families. Chelsea helped me get over the loss by offering Fun Dip. she must have remembered I liked it when she showed up in my office yesterday asking me to lick the powder off her breasts. She even gave me one extra package.
I will now spend the remainder of my term trying to open package.
Tags: stop shuler, xmas ape
May 7th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
Last week’s SI Player’s Poll asked four professional athletes what a superdelegate was. The responses were as follows (nope, not making a single one up):
“Something in government.”
“I’m not a big political guy.”
“Super.”
“Someone who can form a very good sentence.”
May 7th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
Stupid athletes. I refuse to believe that someone five years younger than me is THAT more capable of forming a very good sentence than me: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jason_Rae
May 7th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
Can you blame him? Fun Dip owned as a snack to get at the pool in the summer.
Sadly, Shuler is not even close to being the biggest, dumbest douchebag in the House of Representatives.
May 7th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
Shuler ran on “mountain values.” For the general election Chelsea needs to show up with 1,000 pseudophedrine and a propane tank.
May 7th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
Then Ron Paul busts into the room with Marvin Harrisons gun with armor piercing bullets and exectutes Shuler columbian style with two to the back of the head laughing hystericaly until Terry Tate Office Linebacker blindsides him… YAY
May 7th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
Oh Fun Dip…is there nothing you cannot defile?
May 7th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
Chelsea helped me get over the loss by offering Fun Dip. she must have remembered I liked it when she showed up in my office yesterday asking me to lick the powder off her breasts.
This is the best reason to vote for Hillary I’ve yet heard.
May 7th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
@ leaf
Chelsea’s dad ran on “mountin’ values.”
May 7th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
Awesome. I couldn’t stop giggling at the mangled English and the fiction that Shuler endorsed Clinton. What? THIS is TRUE?
Apparently, playing QB for the Saints does much damage to one’s brain.
/Save Drew Brees
May 7th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
When I thought about fun dip powder on Chelsea’s breasts, I think it moved.
Does that make me weird?
May 7th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
so his judgement and decision making hasn’t changed since he was a QB
May 7th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
@smurphette - The 7th District in Indianapolis had a Harvard medical degree, a guy who had a Harvard medical and law degree, and a guy who was a senile congresswoman’s grandson. And we picked the third one. Crap.
May 7th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
@HHY, you’re not alone.
May 7th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
Shuler also thinks Eight Belles will win this years Preakness.
May 7th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
Licking Fun Dip off a woman’s breasts? I have a new #2 fantasy.
May 7th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
the sugar stick was always the best part. i always ate the shit out of them and then had like 3 bags of powder left over. if only i had known the powder was for boobs!
May 7th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
@shinons: Yeah, I’m sorry about that. I gotta hand it to my home state, though, you sure made the primary interesting last night. Oh, and fuck Evan Bayh for backing Hillary - he isn’t half the senator that his dad was.
May 7th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
Word x 3
May 7th, 2008 at 5:10 pm
Ape, I thought I had a full and irrevocable exclusive Internet license to make fun of Heath Shuler — you’re treading on my territory. That being said, as the only one here who is actually spoken to Superdelegate Shuler (I’m making a guess) — yeah, that’s pretty much what he sounds like.
May 7th, 2008 at 5:21 pm
Clearly what happened here was that Rep. Shuler attempted to throw his support to Barack Obama, and it was cleanly intercepted by Hillary.
May 7th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
@Consigliari
Winner.
May 7th, 2008 at 5:35 pm
Now if Meghan McCain brought that offer to me, completely different story. Hell, if she offered me a twinkee, I actually would vote.
May 7th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
to be fair his district did vote for her
to be fair, theyre fucking morons
May 7th, 2008 at 6:08 pm
well done Consigliari
May 7th, 2008 at 11:50 pm
I would rather be governed by fun dip than any of the douchebags running for president this year. At least you know what you are getting.
May 8th, 2008 at 2:02 am
I too have actually talked with Superdelegate Shuler.
But to be honest, if I had known I was going to talk to him, I probably would have brought a bat for his knees.
I do not exaggerate when I say: This guy ruined my fucking childhood.
May 8th, 2008 at 2:41 am
Consigliari gets his +1.
May 8th, 2008 at 9:14 am
@Smurphette — As a result of your first post in this thread, you now owe us a list of the five biggest, dumbest douchebags in the House of Representatives.
And making that list has to be a slightly harder job now that Cynthia McKinney (my former congresswoman) is out of office.
May 8th, 2008 at 9:44 am
@dinosaur
They couldn’t possibly get any worse than Indiana’s own Dan Burton.
May 8th, 2008 at 9:55 am
Dan Burton is a must-have, but I also insist on the inclusion of Carolyn Cheeks-Kilpatrick, mother of Detroit’s mayor currently facing 8 felony counts Kwame Kilpatrick.
May 8th, 2008 at 10:06 am
[...] I was going to make fun of him, but once again I can’t top Kissing Suzy Kolber. [...]
May 8th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
great blog. i just came over here from crooksandliars.com. i was thinking the same thing when i heard of heaths endorsement. how the fuck does he endorse against the states wishes. as a lifelong rocky top resident, i am all too familiar with the history of heath here in big orange country. although he did manage to beat the florida gayturds in a torrential downpour, he never beat bama which is much more important to a johnny majors fan than a phil fulmer fan. after his sterling nfl “career” he opened heath shuler realty here in knoxville where he employed his brother benji signing heaths name to footballs which were presented to the new happy homeowners. i have yet to see one of those footballs land in the hands it was thrown to. a customer of mine who happened to be one of the best o-linemen to ever play for the vols told me heath couldn’t understand an nfl playbook. when all these redneck right wing psychos (who would vote for w a third time if given the opportunity) around here found out heath was running for office, they were ecstatic. eventually someone read these redneck right wing psychos a newspaper and told them he was running as a…………..god forbid……….democrat. they disowned heath. maybe one day these same people will welcome heath back into the fold when they realize he votes like a republican’t every single mfin’ time, like hillary.
May 8th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Just as little information on MRBIGSTUFF who just started posting on here. i happen to no this liberal volcano, who makes Charles Schumer look like CHARLETON HESTON. He hates children, christmas, and puppies and is a big fan of airport bathroom foot tapping. Beware KISSINGSUZYKOLBER readers this guy doesnt need to sleep!
May 8th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
name stealer,
you are not welcome here and neither are your lies. larry craig is obviously your mentor among other things.
May 8th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
practically the entire part of Western North Carolina voted for Hillary, so Heath is just tryin to represent his peeps in the mountains.
May 8th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
S.O.L.,
good point. i didn’t know how heaths district went. did hillary campaign wearing a sheet?
that would certainly help her here on the west slope of the smokies.
May 8th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
If you look at a map of the NC primary results broken out by county, you’ll see that the two counties in the western part of the state (most of which is Shuler’s) that went for Obama, Buncombe and Watauga, are home to UNC Asheville, Warren Wilson College and Appalachian State University respectively.
Do with that what you will.
May 8th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
I would like to say that Mr. bigstuffs take on rascism on the west side of the smokies could not be further from the truth. His unfortunate way of thinking is the same as the other race baters out there who like to group up the KKK, Nazis, and Militia groups! wait a minute i have figured it out, this guy is Al Sharpton!
May 9th, 2008 at 9:52 am
Schulers district went over 60% for Clinton. Schuler said before the primary that he would support whichever candidate won his district. KSK should stick to talking about things where they’re at least within the general vicinity of not-ignorant. Mrbigstuff has a micropenis.
May 10th, 2008 at 1:27 am
@bigtravatx: he executes him “columbian” style?
he killed him with coffee beans? swinging the corpse of juan valdez? his donkey?
some say you might have meant “Colombian” style, as in the manner of somebody from Colombia. As slow as Heath Shuler is, anybody could catch him and administer a Colombian necktie.