Finally Saw Leatherheads And (Surprise!) It Sucks Ass
I can always count on my significant other to drag me to a movie that has Renee Zellweger in it. So maybe “finally” is the wrong word. Obviously, this movie sucked 4 cocks out of 5. We can shovel some blame onto Sports Illustrated’s Fuckface Emeritus Rick Reilly, who co-wrote the film, along with some other guy I don’t know enough about to consider a viable candidate for ridicule.
While we were at the $2 theater, there was this college-aged girl that walked into the movie with two of her friends. And this bitch waddled down the aisle with her fucking friends and, in a theater with maybe 15 people in it, sat DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF another couple, a ridiculous violation of movie etiquette.
Fucking cunt. If that fucking tub of shit had sat in front of me, I would have stabbed her in the face with my keys. How fucking clueless do you have to be? Seriously, I don’t think I’ve ever been so repulsed so quickly by a single person in my entire life.
But I’m getting off track…
Yeah, so it doesn’t take a goofy-assed mustache or a missing chin to know that the movie’s fucked when they’ve stolen the opening credits from Cheers and the first half hour is almost word-for-word ripped off from Slap Shot.
“Oh no! The team’s gonna fold! Fuckin’ machine took my quarter!”
And then Renee Cockshrinker shows up. There’s a whore in the newsroom! You expect me to believe that a newspaper would hire a woman as a reporter in the 1920s? Did they drag her into a speakeasy after hours and gang-bang her? That might explain why she’s squinting all the time. You know, because the old news guys would be standing over her face and…Forget it. I’ll draw you a picture later. But seriously, even Lucy Liu is offended by the narrowness of Renee’s eye sockets.
But anyway…
So they get the guy from The Office to save the team. I really can’t watch The Office because annoying people aren’t funny to me, whether they’re inside my TV or two cubicles away. They could have followed me around for the first two years of my first job out of college and had a better show. And it would have had sex in it! Well, not during season one.
All of a sudden, the George Clooney character suddenly gets all jealous over the new guy even though that kid is keeping him from working in a goddamn mine. Did you know they filmed part of this movie here in South Carolina? No, I didn’t really care, either, but I had to hear about it for six gaddamn months, so now you do, too.
And if you thought this post was aimless and off point, it has nothing on the last half hour of this movie. They basically pull another character out of Renee Cumcatcher’s ass and fix all the issues in the movie, leaving the actual game at the end of the movie about as anti-climatic as a hand job from a 14-year-old girl with rheumatoid arthritis. I could have done better on my own.
Oh, and Clooney directed this turd on skates, so fuck him too.
Tags: MMP, movies, Rick Reilly gargles cocksnot
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May 28th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
Hines smire at Lucy Liu but not at Reree
May 28th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
Renee Zellwegger is awfully squinty. She didn’t used to look like that. What happened? Bad eye job? Bad laser eye surgery?
The ads for this movie make it look delightful, but I guess not so much now.
May 28th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
@Dan: I believe you mean, Rucy Riu and Lenee.
May 28th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
I’d rather watch an Air Bud marathon. Fuck this movie!
May 28th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
What an ANGRY review, Punte. Did someone’s straw break off in his juice box again?
May 28th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
“…Leatherheads was…a…gas!” -Leonard Maltin.
May 28th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
Punter,
Leave the seething bag of misogynistic rage schtick to Drew. He lets it filther through 4 years of prep school and simmer in a misspent college carreer until it comes out as a highly palatable overeducated over literate seething bag of misogynistic rage that goes down smooth and finishes well. You, not so much.
Oh, by the way, I masturbate in front of elementary schools because my daddy used to beat me.
May 28th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
So it’s settled? Sounds like you’ll be writing the porn version of this movie starring Tera Patrick.
May 28th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
@PeterKingsTaint: I’ll write whatever suits me, you fucking jagoff.
I’m not sure where you’ve been the last two years, but we kinda do what we want around here, and we don’t take requests from fuckheads that still use AOL for email.
May 28th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
@ smuuphette – yes, I was so excited to have the chance to be first, my thoughts got all jumbled up
/how sad that being first made my day
May 28th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
Get his bitch ass Punte
May 28th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
Renee Zellwegger looks like the Apple-head dolls we used to make in elementary school.
Step 1: Peel Apple
Step 2: Carve a face onto Apple
Step 3: Place Apple in oven at 200 degrees for 20 minutes until puckered and dried
Step 4: Re-enact “Bridget Jones’ Diary”
May 28th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
Punt,
It was my mom who used to beat me, not my dad, but thanks for the kicker. And I’m not saying write cleaner, just make it better. Now I’m off to raise my own game by rubbing one out in front of a pre-K, little man.
May 28th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
Sitting in front of someone in an empty theater is like pissing next to someone when there are a dozen other open urinals. I bet that fat bitch ate an entire tub of popcorn and washed it down with a diet coke.
May 28th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
It sounds like “Dickheads” would have been a more appropriate title for this movie.
May 28th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
I rather liked the movie… although I cant explain the constant puking and bloody diahrea that imediatley followed leaving the theatre…
Why do people talk smack to the KSK writers? like they arent going embarrass you and dismantle your comment
May 28th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
Stabbing Charger fans…
Stabbing fat chicks…
Welcome to Punte’s All-Stab KSK Wednesday!
/with guest speaker Ray Lewis
May 28th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
OH SNAP IT’S ON
…seriously, O Nether Bit Of A Far More Talented Writer Than Yourself, what’s your deal? Don’t read if you don’t like.
May 28th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
I guess I left out stabbing commenters…
May 28th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Don’t worry Punte, Sex and the City opens on Friday.
May 28th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
@Naptown Drew: What, O.J. Simpson wasn’t available?
May 28th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
I would enjoy more chick flick reviews. With or without the seething bag of misogynistic rage. With would probably be more entertaining.
May 28th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
@ smurphette – OJ had a noon tee off time to look for Nicole’s killers and could not be bothered.
May 28th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
Wait, are you saying that sportswriters AREN’T that great at writing? I must be on crazy pills.
May 28th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
Renee Cumcatcher
I used to date her in college.
May 28th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
I’d rather watch an Air Bud marathon. Fuck this movie!
Hey, proper respect to Air Bud. You ever seen Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch or Air Bud: World Pup? It’s fantastic! And the original has a kid doing obscene things to a dog in a bathtub while wearing a raincoat. Great movies…
May 28th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
the only thing i learned from this is that you dont like The Office, and that makes me a sad panda.
May 28th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
@ Shinons:
Believe it or not, one of my high school basketball coaches showed us Air Bud as a motivational tool before one of our games. I am not shitting you. Our record that year: 4-22.
May 28th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
Sounds like you’ll be writing the porn version of this movie starring Tera Patrick.
The working title is “Lather Heads.” It pretty much writes itself from there.
May 28th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
…leaving the actual game at the end of the movie about as anti-climatic as a hand job from a 14-year-old girl with rheumatoid arthritis.
I don’t think I’ll ever forget that line.
May 28th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Zellwhore was kinda hot before her Beard marriage to that country shithead. I’m thinking like Empire Records or whatever Liv Tyler vehicle that was.
May 28th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
Yeah, but you haven’t lived until you’ve gotten a handjob from a 14-year-old girl with Parkinson’s.
May 28th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
Could you please draw us that picture of the old news guys standing over Renee Spermreceptacle? I’m sure Reggie Nelson would be impressed…..maybe.
May 28th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
Uh-oh, Punte(r), I hope you don’t go the way of Monica Seles.
May 28th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
Did you see this at the Astro?
You might be making things way too easy for stalkers.
May 28th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
@hester – So was the lesson that you should check your dogs to see if any of them can play basketball? I wouldn’t be surprised to hear that Herm Edwards tried showing the Chiefs Air Bud: Golden Receiver to get them pumped up. In fact, I bet it’s actually called The Herm Tactic.
May 28th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
Shinons, you might not realize it, but Brodie Croyle is actually a golden retriever, so you’re not far off the mark.
May 28th, 2008 at 6:42 pm
This was awesome! That it came from Punte… even better!
May 28th, 2008 at 10:00 pm
“The working title is “Lather Heads.” It pretty much writes itself from there.”
Naw, it’s gotta be “Pleasure Speds: Slow Motion in the Backfield”.