Fictional Cheerleader Biography: Casie
This is Casie. Casie was your girlfriend for 18 months. Despite her flawlessly toned body and affinity for making love on top of dryers, Casie put you through absolute Hell on earth. Seriously, dude. She was certifiably insane. She told you she went to Dartmouth, when in fact she attended New England College. And when you checked the Dartmouth directory and couldn’t find her name, she got mad at you for “spying on her”. Then she kicked you in the chest.
She claimed to have been best friends with Nicole Eggert, but you couldn’t verify it. She told you she worked at Christie’s Auction House, but building security had no record of her ever being an employee. One time, you stepped on her foot by accident in the middle of a crosswalk, causing her to argue with you for ten minutes WITHOUT FINISHING CROSSING THE STREET. She had an invisible cat named “Ollie”. Sometimes she talked in a little kiddie voice. You had no clue why.
She called you fat. She broke down in tears once because you got a haircut she didn’t care for. She was also an anti-Semite. One time she met one of your buddies, then after he left the room, she asked in exasperation, “God, are ALL your friends Jewish?” She loved talking about how much richer her ex-boyfriend was compared to you. She demanded you get a job in finance. She booked restaurant reservations at four-star restaurants you couldn’t possibly afford, then made you take her anyway.
One night, she woke you up at 3AM to tell you how much she hated your family. That was the last straw. You got out of bed, put on your clothes, and started to leave the apartment. She grabbed your arm and tried to restrain you from leaving. You shook her off, running down the stairs to catch a cab. And on that cab ride home, you exhaled. You were free. You knew this was it. No amount of make-up sex would draw you back this time. You knew you would never see her again, and you didn’t. It was the best you felt in ages.
Somewhere, deep in the back of your mind, you wonder if she was ever named Casie to begin with.
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Tags: Big Daddy Drew, crazy ladies do a disservice to womankind, fictional cheerleader bios, may or may not have been my ex-girlfriend, minus the flawlessly toned body part, The first girlfriend is always the toughest, The Friday Cheerleader Posts
May 9th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
Sounds alot like the girl I was seeing about 3 months ago, except replace the Dartmouth/New England College thing with Cornell/Ithaca.
May 9th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Sounds a lot like every girl I’ve ever dated, except replace the “flawlessly toned body and affinity for making love on top of dryers” with “good body, but neurotically self-conscious about it along with jealousy and daddy issues and cries during sex”.
May 9th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Was she really a cheerleader?
May 9th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Ha! One of my exes went to Cornell…. or did she?
May 9th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
One time, you stepped on her foot by accident in the middle of a crosswalk, causing her to argue with you for ten minutes WITHOUT FINISHING CROSSING THE STREET.
Been there, done that. Unlike our protagonist here though, the make-up sex drew me back. Something about a chick who likes doing it on arcade machines I find so damn irresistible….
May 9th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
Was she really a cheerleader?
Actually, yes.
May 9th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
At least your first serious girlfriend wansn’t obsessed with Something Corporate, otherwise known as The Shittiest Band on Planet Earth.
May 9th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
…and, later, when you are married, you will remember this time of your life with fond memories.
May 9th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Yeah, she was a good knob cave, but there are another 167.75 hours in the week.
May 9th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
Uh, Drew? Do you need to talk?
May 9th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Add in a handgun fetish and I’ve been there. Glad I made it out unscathed
May 9th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
Seriously?
Where the fuck do you guys find these girls?
May 9th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
@Last Unitard
Maybe the crying is related to how bad the sex is?
May 9th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
@futuremrs.
All over New England!
May 9th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
I’ve been there…minus the toned body, going to ridiculous restaurants….she basically was just insane…..
May 9th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
paragraph 2 lines 3, 5 and 6: check
paragraph 3 line 5 : check
never date a cheerleader.
May 9th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
@ Future Miss: A bar on the Upper West Side that featured lots of dudes with upturned collars, why do you ask?
This may or may not be the reason I relocated to the neighborhood I live in now, which has worked out fabulously.
May 9th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
@Future Miss
The clear lucite heels should have warned me off; they got me off instead. Live and learn…slowly.
May 9th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
That’s the Future MRS. to you. Rick’s making an honest woman of me…
I mean, this kind of reminds me of the exact same thing my guy friends are always yelling at me about: if you date dickheads, they’re going to treat you like shit. Similarly, if you get involved with a psychopathic bitch, she’s going to act like a psychopathic bitch. Right?
May 9th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
@futuremrs …
we find them all over the place. It seems as if there are a lot of girls waiting to meet the right guy, just so they can go insane.
@miamidiesel - you weren’t talking about jodie foster were you?
May 9th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
How did she feel about the brown spot on the towel?
May 9th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
futuremrs …
you posted your last comment at the same time I posted mine, so I couldn’t include this message with it …
you might be right. The difference is that guys don’t quite see the psycopathy (is that word) coming, but we don’t know how to deal with it when we finally do see it. (the bitchiness is something else). You females should, and usually do, see the dickheadedness coming a mile away, but jump in anyway.
My two cents.
Does using the word dickheadedness count as a dick joke?
May 9th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
Yeah but, if Drew and the guys didn’t date psycho nutjob harpies, the Friday cheerleader posts wouldn’t be as good. Okay, so maybe the dudes would still enjoy them, but futuremrs and I wouldn’t get the weekly affirmations that we made excellent life choices.
May 9th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
Physcopathic bitches will act like psychopathic bitches, yes, this is true. The reason we date them is because psychopathic bitches also act like psychopathetic bitches in the bedroom.
*sigh*
May 9th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
@smurphette, futuremrs: Let me speak for the fellas and answer the whole ‘Why date and stick around the crazy broads?’
The sex is almost always FUCKING FANTASTIC.
May 9th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
…
…
…
SIGH.
I’ll stick to football jokes from now on. This is a losing battle.
May 9th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
You left out the stalking that follows… my crazy ex actually came into my house and slapped me for hooking up with a new girlfriend - 3 months after I dumped her.
And I still do think about all the mind-blowing, reality-altering sex we had.
May 9th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
I dated that chick too…. man I still wack it to her body.
May 9th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
Maybe we would have more sympathy if it worked like that for us, too. Unfortunately, hot guys who are crazy/assholes do not usually redeem themselves by being amazing in bed.
May 9th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
What I take away from this piece is that Drew has always been fat.
May 9th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
SMURPHETTE FOR PRESIDENT
May 9th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
claude balls wins.
May 9th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
No matter how hot, sexy or beautiful some broad might be, there’s always some guy who was tired of putting up with her shit.
May 9th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Wait a second… maybe it’s not the psychopathic bitches that are the problem… Maybe it’s… someone else. Hmm…
May 9th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
BDD - this story is only missing a pregnancy scare.
i had some similar stories, but where you ran away and never looked back, she came chasing after me in her car… at 4 in the morning… on 495 going 80 mph. rolling my eyes i pulled off at the next exit and stopped to hear her plead her case. she yelled at me for forcing her to drive drunk.
May 9th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
BDD, did she steal your college football jersey?
May 9th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
This post pretty much just recapped the last eleven months of my life. Thanks for reminding me why I got out.
God, I love this website.
May 9th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
Seriously?
Where the fuck do you guys find these girls?
…Coming from the girl who admitted her college boyfriend had a Beavis and Butthead tattoo spanning the length of his torso…
May 9th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
My psycho-ex sent me naked pictures of herself from a beach in Greece, a year after we had broken up.
God I miss her.
May 9th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
…Coming from the girl who admitted her college boyfriend had a Beavis and Butthead tattoo spanning the length of his torso…
Seriously. That’s a secret shame that you should’ve taken to the grave.
May 9th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
FOR THE RECORD:
I liked the tat.
May 9th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
If she replaced your Irish coffee with regular scalding hot coffee while you were in the bathroom because she felt you had drank too much and she was drunker than you, then her name actually was Vanessa. Bitch.
May 9th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
BDD have you been reading my journal? It’s the purple one with the ponies and…oops.
Dickjoke!
Better, a Dick Lymerick.
I once knew a pro from Kent
On her all my money was spent
One night I didn’t pay
For a quick little lay
And that’s why my pecker is bent!
May 9th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
A crazy girls::asshole guys analogy doesn’t make any sense.
Crazy girls almost always act (or at least seem) normal at first; their craziness is revealed gradually, almost imperceptibly.
Guys simply don’t have the emotional intelligence to pull off that kind of guile. If a guy is an asshole, you’ll probably know about it within 15 minutes of meeting him.
May 9th, 2008 at 4:26 pm
Imaginary dog named “Billy” > Invisible cat named “Ollie”
/H.M. Murdock’d
May 9th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
Wait, whose apartment was it?
If it was yours, then I hope you didn’t have anything valuable/flammable in it.
May 9th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
FOR THE RECORD: I liked the tat.
Stop digging.
May 9th, 2008 at 4:49 pm
“Wait, whose apartment was it?”
Not mine.
May 9th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
I’ve often wondered what it would be like to date a normal person. Probably less interesting. Probably fewer of my prized material possessions that end up broken or sold for drugs (by either of us).
May 9th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
robut m nixon said:Crazy girls almost always act (or at least seem) normal at first; their craziness is revealed gradually, almost imperceptibly.
ONE MILLION TIMES THIS
May 9th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
My Casie was called “Maggie.” Everything else is the same. Except I haven’t left. And she’s still crazy.
Bah.
May 9th, 2008 at 5:16 pm
I had the same chick, but got popped for $2,500 on the apartment.
The make-up sex is awesome though when you know you’re not going back…
May 9th, 2008 at 5:22 pm
Fuck, this doesn’t seem like a “fictional biography” to me. Every guy commenting here (myself included) has dated Casie or one of her batshit-crazy sorority sisters. What’s the reason we all stayed in these relationships WAY longer than was healthy or even tolerable? The sex. My Casie was a tigress in the sack. Crazy bitches use sex as a weapon or a bargaining chip because they know it works every time. They know it and they know we know it, but we’re powerless against it.
May 9th, 2008 at 5:37 pm
Most therapeutic commenting thread I’ve ever read. If there weren’t dick jokes and Smuphette’s wit to entertain me within it, I’d be demanding my standard fee of $75/45 minutes for reading it.
Now, tell me about your mother.
May 9th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
Crazy women are like high first round draft picks. For every Peyton Manning (ridiculously hot, phenomenal in bed, totally cool, and not that crazy), there are a billion Ryan Leaf’s (smoking hot and awesome in bed but completely insane and always a 50/50 chance to go nuts at any given moment).
As a note, every guy has one of these. Women have the bad boy phase. Guys have the crazy bitch phase.
As a note, women have a much higher crazy ceiling, but a much higher awesome ceiling as well. Us menfolk are just shades of grey.
May 9th, 2008 at 6:47 pm
Just to chime in on the awesomely, reality bending sex bits: yes ladies, that is the sole reason we first get involved (because we suspect that she has those talents when we meet her), stay involved (after the 5th or 6th round of sex that leaves you laying in bed all the next day sore in many places), and then go back (when she pulls out the trapeze and monkey and starts….um yeah).
But when she takes that last bit of ice cream in the pint…. its fucking over.
May 9th, 2008 at 6:53 pm
Hey, at least you were able to catch a cab home. About a half hour in to a 2 and a half hour drive, she told me she still had feelings for her ex, then promptly fell asleep for the rest of the ride. I would have been mad, but instead I just appreciated the silence and lit up a joint.
May 9th, 2008 at 7:19 pm
Women in general have hottible timing when it comes to initiating emotionally-loaded conversations (doing the “we have to talk…” when you’re watching sports or out to dinner), but crazy women make it an art form. My Casie, while we were going at it (and I mean Peg A was in Slot B), mentioned casually that she didn’t care for my family. It almost threw me of my stroke. Almost. Still, having to make my brain’s Security Department chase my family out of my head was a daunting and disturbing task.
May 9th, 2008 at 9:23 pm
Oops, I meant “horrible” not “hottible”. I don’t know what the definition of “hottible” is, but I’m sure the word wouldn’t apply here.
May 9th, 2008 at 10:35 pm
@The (2) Ladies of KSK
If I knew there were an intelligent, hip-hop listening, semi-sane woman out there who would sit through an entire Colts game with me and appreciated halfbacks catching passes out of the backfield as much as the new Ghostface album, I would have something positive to say. Unfortunately, all of those women went someplace else besides fucking Indiana.
May 9th, 2008 at 11:35 pm
@ claude balls - that made me laugh out loud…good show, my man.
My token psycho ditched her chemical engineering degree (she was the goddamn valedictorian) to become a stripper at one of the shadiest clubs in Chicago. I spent a few days trying to sort that out before I flew the coop.
And just for the record, she was batshit crazy, but it didn’t transition 1:1 in the bedroom. That probably made it easier to leave.
May 10th, 2008 at 3:39 am
@claude balls: Comment of the week, superb.
@Hit Dog/Naptown Drew: Thanks, you are princes among men.
I readily admit that there are more psychos than reasonable women in the general/datable population. But, despite what many guys might like to believe, the nutjobs are usually pretty easy to spot. Seriously - ask a sister, a close female friend, a coworker - they will tell you. Still, if the sex is worth it, more power to you. I would never begrudge anyone that kind of satisfaction.
May 10th, 2008 at 5:26 am
@Gino Tourettsa
Peg A in Slot B = you’re doing it wrong.
@naptown drew
I hope you and the Maj will be very happy together. Mazel tov.
May 10th, 2008 at 6:48 am
@ mamacita,
I regretted that “Peg A in Slot B” model-making metaphor as soon as I hit the “Submit Comment” button. I hoped it would escape notice, but you’re correct in calling me out for it. How about “while my one-eyed Irish whitesnake was spelunking in her velvetine cavern” or a simple Latin phrase “In flagrante delicto” (”in the act”)?
May 10th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
i graduated from new england college today (seriously) and i can definitively say that there is no one at NEC that looks 13% as good as Casie.
May 10th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
Just add the part where she invites you over to her house, is totally shit-faced when you show up and is hanging out with her neighbors (a couple that use meth and beat each other). Then while you are in their living room, Casie and the other girl quietly slip off into the bedroom at the same time that the dude suggests the two of you go outside for a cigarette; except that as soon as you step outside he slams the door. locks it and turns all the lights off. The coup de grace of this maneuver is when she doesn’t return any of your calls for two weeks and then finally calls to say that she is pissed at you for some utterly incomprehensible reason. Welcome to my October, 2007.
/no amount of mind blowing sex can make up for that
May 11th, 2008 at 12:05 am
I thought her name was Becca and she was Jewish but still an anti-Semite. And instead of a legitimate pregnancy scare she told you she was pregnant just to see how you’d react.
@MadmanMundt. Holy shit man. Congratulations. But watch your back in public.
May 11th, 2008 at 1:44 am
I had a wife like that once.
May 11th, 2008 at 2:15 am
@smurphette: ok. how?
May 11th, 2008 at 9:33 am
My idiot brother married this girl.
May 11th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
To this day I’m still not sure whether it was an actual invisible cat, or just an imaginary one.
May 11th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
@J-No: I don’t think you’re my brother, but you should at least thank the stars I got out of it before we had kids.
May 11th, 2008 at 8:42 pm
@mamacita
L’Chaim…I wish for you a hundred years of success, but it’s my time.
May 11th, 2008 at 10:42 pm
equally erudite ladies and gents assembled, what i take from this is the ladies consider sex to be, generally, a means to an end. the gents consider it to be an end in itself - until the pursuit of psycho pussy becomes an existential crisis. then the nuts retract so far there’s no extracting them.
fight or flight indeed.
it still amazes me that through the millenia, at least among men, the drive to know God and other things subjectively holy has dimmed but the drive that has amplified is men’s desire to experience the perfect fuck. i guess this is why female porn stars have become the new secular goddesses and internet porn the new religion.
i’ve also noticed that, come about 3 am on a saturday morning, i’m ok with that.
further proof, there’s no fighting the zeitgeist. especially with a hardon.
May 12th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
I married a girl who when we first met I said: “That’s not the kind of girl you marry.” Insane: check. Daddy issues: check. Alcoholic: check. Cheating slut: check. Cheerleader: check. Smoking hot blonde: check. At least it only took 3 years to kick her out of the house. And my vindication, you ask? Repo’d car and a felony forgery. I hope she gets 4-7. I’m sure her pics are on the interwebs.
May 12th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
God I miss her.