Eli’s Big Day Out
THIS IS SO STUPID! I CAN’T BELIEVE I HAVE TO GO TO CRUDDY BABYLAND BECAUSE I WAS THE FLIPPIN’ MVP. EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH IS THE EXIT 76 ANTIQUE MALL IN INDIANA. I CAN’T WAIT TO HIT THAT UP WHEN MOM AND I ARE VISITING PEYTON ON MY BYE WEEK. WHATDYA MEAN WE HAVE THE SAME BYE WEEK?
[throws tantrum]
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
[/tantrum]
NO! I’M A BIG MAN NOW, I DON’T NEED MOM.
OH WELL, I GUESS I COULD GO ON SOME RIDES WITH THE BABYSITTER BEFORE THAT FRIGGIN’ PARADE.
WHAT’S THIS KIDDIE RIDE ALL ABOUT? IT LOOKS LIKE IT JUST GOES AROUND IN CIRCLES.
[rides ride]
JEEZ ABBY, THIS IS BORING. IT JUST GOES AROUND AND AROUND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
[sulks]
WAIT! WAS THAT MICKEY?
OHMYGOD, IT’S MICKEY MOTHERFLIPPIN’ MOUSE IN PERSON AND I’M STUCK UP HERE GOING IN A STUPID CIRCLE!
HEY, WHERE’D HE GO?
OHMYGOD, THERE’S MICKEY!
HEY, WHERE’D HE GO?
OHMYGOD, THERE’S MICKEY!
HEY, WHERE’D HE GO?
OHMYGOD, THERE’S MICKEY!
HEY, WHERE’D HE GO?
[/rides ride]
WHAT THE HECK, WHERE DID HE GO? WHY AM I ALL DIZZY? OH GOD, I’M GONNA SPEW!
[spews in this]
AH CRUD, THIS DAY CAN’T GET ANY WORSE! I’M STUCK AT BABYLAND, MICKEY KEEPS DISAPPEARING, I BLEW CHUNKS ALL OVER THE PLACE, MOISHE IS AT HIS SPA DAY UNTIL DINNER TIME, AND NOW I HAVE TO SIT THROUGH SOME GIRLIE PARADE.
HOLY FREAKIN’ COW, MICKEY’S SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO ME!
OK, PLAY IT COOL BIG E, HE’S JUST ANOTHER CELEBRITY…
[turns to Mickey]
EXCUSE ME, MR. MOUSE, I’M A HUGE FAN OF YOURS AND-
[spews on Mickey]
BEST.DAY.EVER.
[sips from sippy cup]
Tags: Disneyland, elisha, Mickey Mouse
May 20th, 2008 at 9:43 am
Excellent work.
If Eli got that excited meeting Mickey, imagine how he’d feel if he got to see Disgruntled Goat, Uncle Ant, Ku Klux Klam …
May 20th, 2008 at 9:44 am
It’s like you stole a page from my gournal. I write my thoughts in it every day.
May 20th, 2008 at 9:52 am
@John John
You taste like a burger. I don’t like you anymore.
May 20th, 2008 at 9:53 am
I wonder how they recruited Jeff Fisher to be the convertible driver.
May 20th, 2008 at 9:59 am
@ squirmin, I was secretly hoping someone wouldn’t get the joke and correct me so I could bust out “Whatever, I guess I’m not all smart like you”
May 20th, 2008 at 10:00 am
Did you say dick cream?
May 20th, 2008 at 10:09 am
stick team. stick ball.
May 20th, 2008 at 10:12 am
Douchebags are hygienic products, I take that as a compliment. Thank you.
May 20th, 2008 at 10:23 am
I see those pictures and all I think is “peas and carrots.”
May 20th, 2008 at 10:44 am
Excuse me, ladies. You may remember me as the guy who came to dinner a few weeks ago with underwear on my head. My name is Keith Stat from Millburn, New Jersey. State bird, the mosquito. And as you may have heard I am recently a crowned class B dungeon-master. So if any of you would like to play D&D today, please speak now or forever hold your peace. Anyone? Alexa? We do need a druid and you certainly have cast a level five charm spell on me.
May 20th, 2008 at 10:44 am
so… Abby cleans up nice, doesn’t she?
May 20th, 2008 at 10:51 am
David Tyree should have gone with Forrest & Jenny. He could have worn a baseball cap with a football stuck to the brim so people might recognize him.
May 20th, 2008 at 11:02 am
@John John…
If you wanna smear mud on your ass, smear mud on your ass, just be honest about it. Look Gene, I’ve never told anyone this before, but I can suck my own dick, and I do it a lot.
May 20th, 2008 at 11:07 am
Now finish up them taters, I’m gonna go fondle my sweaters.
May 20th, 2008 at 11:10 am
Look at Lindsay’s chicken wings!
May 20th, 2008 at 11:19 am
Literally, we can say it anytime.
May 20th, 2008 at 11:23 am
Coughlin: It isn’t about the girl, Eli.
Elisha: It isn’t?
Coughlin: Well it is, but, see if you can follow me here… it… isn’t.
Elisha: Oh! So it IS… AND it isn’t.
Coughlin (nods): You are ready to be taught the new way.
Elisha: Can you teach me this… what is it… new way?
/steals pebble from Coughlin’s hand
//beats Coughlin in race
///throws Giant Snatch
May 20th, 2008 at 11:42 am
Abby is so hot. The only way I could get a bigger boner is if that car crashed.
May 20th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some unfinished business to attend to.
/humps fridge
May 20th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
This is becoming way too much of a family blog for me.
May 20th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
I hate Mickey Mouse.
May 20th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
In the pantry, above the sink, right next to my bottle of dick cream. Uh, wait, forget that last part.
May 20th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
Look Momma, I made it! I’M OKAY!!!
May 20th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
I’m just so glad I don’t have to see the Scary White People picture anymore. GUHHH.
May 20th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
Michael Strahan has yet to decide if this post is funny or not.
May 20th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
Boy I sure hope there isn’t any jumbo shrimp because I’m allergic to oxymorons!
May 20th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
Goofy’s son looks retarded. Did Goofy fuck his sister?
/will ponder that all day
May 20th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
Eli’s wife is really hot, right? Like vasoline and rubber gloves hot.
May 21st, 2008 at 12:37 am
18-1 !!!!
May 21st, 2008 at 3:19 am
Sluts rock. It just has to be the right slut, that’s all.