I appreciate you ladies showing up for me here today. It’s a gesture that bespeaks your great concern for your fellow man.

The signed football was a great thrill. I mean it. I’ll treasure it for my remaining days. That cheer you did for me? Moving stuff. Kinda catchy, too.

But it’s not exactly what I had in mind.

You see, when my parents put in the call to the Cowboys’ public relations department, they told team representatives that it would be my dying wish to get to meet the Dallas Cowboys’ cheerleading squad. Can’t quite say that was inaccurate, but they left out a few small but significant details.

Nurse, would you give us a minute?

Now, over in the chair in the corner you will find a riding crop and a couple bottles of high-end lotion. I don’t think I need to explain what comes next.

Hey! Where are you going? No! Wait! Stop! Hey!

John Challis got to meet Ben Roethlisberger and Mario Lemieux and they had sex with him! It’s not like I have AIDS. I have cancer. That’s the new, hip terminal disease! Didn’t you see that South Park?!

I’m so close to the end and I just want to get laid one last time.

I have sex toys!