Dear Miss Jenkins
Dear Miss Jenkins,
Oh, man.
Oh, shit damn.
Oh, fuckin’ shit goddamn.
Lord have mercy. Lord got chronic!
I am stoned.
You ever get so stoned that, like, you start remembering shit you had totally forgotten about? Now that I’m in prison, I do that shit ALL THE TIME. Just yesterday, Pookie made some insane kinda crack made outta old rat shit. We called that shit The Secret Of NIMH, as in Now I’s Most High. Anyway, once I smoked it, I started remembering all this crazy ass shit that happened to me. Like, one time, I ate a girl’s butt. No lie. I, like, drilled a hole in her butt with my tongue. That was fucking crazy, man. Tasted like motor oil. Ookie had the ass that day.
Then I remembered Skee Lo. Remember Skee Lo? That little brutha could SPIT! Loved that shit. Then I remembered “Puttin’ on the Hits,” which was, like, that Wayne Brady karaoke show, only it was on way before Wayne Brady decided to become one of those Broadway homos. They had this theme music that was, like, Pu-pu-pu-pu-puttttttin on the HIIIITS! BAHAHAHAHA! That shit was loco, man.
Then I remembered the time I killed that squirrel with a rock. I guess that was the first time I realized I could play quarterback. Shit damn, I musta killed 750 squirrels that summer. PEEP THAT COMPLETION PERCENTAGE, GREG KNAPP, YOU WEST COAST BITCH!
Then I remembered where I had left off in “Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time”. I had just figured out how to play that shit. If you played the right tune, Link got all big. It was, like, music made him grown and shit. Just like the first time I listened to Obi Trice. The fuck is an ocarina? Is it like a flute? A harmonica? A flutonica? That’s some gay ass shit.
Oh shit! I left a pack of Fudge Stripes on the radiator!
Anyway, Miss Jenkins, I was busy getting’ hiiiiiiiiiiiigh when I remembered all the things I did to you back when I was in your second grade class. I remembered the time I cheated on that one test. You didn’t let people use calculators, but I snuck one in my sock. It was solar powered. I liked covering up that solar stripe with my finger. The numbers would fucking disappear! Holy shit! Math don’t work at night!
Then I remembered the time I put that cherry bomb in your desk. Only I didn’t know how to make a cherry bomb, so I just doused a Mon Cheri with gasoline and lit it on fire. That was some sexual chocolate. Then I remembered the time I set fire to your car. Then I remembered the time I saw your bra. Miss Jenkins, you got some tits. Oh man, you got some tits. Oh God. They’re so creamy. Like whip cream on a milk shake. They’re so hot, so fucking hot…
Damn, I just busted in my pants.
Anyway, I’ve had lots of time to think here in prison. I’ve been trying to think of all the things I’ve done wrong. And while I may have made some mistakes, I can say I definitely learned…
Michael Vick!
Who’s that?!
Michael Vick! Move on now, son. Move expeditiously!
Oh snap! It’s Principal Joe Clark! And his minions!
They used to call me crazy Joe? Well, now they can call me Batman! Or Crazy Asshole With Bat! Or That Bat Guy! Or Bat Nguyen! Or Batman Crothers!
Oh, Mr. Clark! Please don’t kill me! I will move expeditiously, sir!
Look at you, boy! You smoke rat, don’t cha, boy?!
I dunno. Maybe.
LOOK AT ME, BOY! YOU SMOKE RAT, DON’T YOU?!
Okay! All right! It’s true! I smoked that shit up! I’m so sorry, Mr. Clark!
Why don’t you just jump off the roof, right here and now?
But I can’t get to the roof.
That’s what you really want, isn’t it? Yes, you do. You smoke rat, don’t you, boy? Don’t you smoke rat? Yeah, I thought so. And you know what that does to you? You don’t? It kills your brain cells, son. It kills your brain cells!
They keep my brain in another cell? Holy shit, how’d they do that?!
Now when you’re destroying your brain cells, you’re doing the same thing as killing yourself. You’re just doing it slower! Now, I say if your wanna kill yourself, do it expeditiously! Go on and shiv yourself! SHIV!
No, Mr. Clark! I don’t wanna do that! I want to live! I want to get out of this place and eat Fudge Stripe cookies again, because they are delicious! I want to protect my brain cells so that I can, like, learn new things! Like how to program a universal remote! Or download stuff from bigwetazzes.com! I WANNA LIVE, MR. CLARK! I wanna eat more butts!
You’ll be dead in a year, son. You hear me? You’ll be dead in a year.
No, Mr. Clark! Wait! Don’t go! Please! Don’t go!
Is he gone?
I think he’s gone.
Whew! That was freaky. Pookie gone and made that batch of NIMH too damn strong. TOO DAMN STRONG!
Anyway, Miss Jenkins, you got some fine ass tits.
Love,
Mikey
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, Michael Vick's Letters From Prison, old movies i watched a lot for no good reason, that's why i threw those bastards OUT, you are all expurgated
May 28th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
Mike was so stoned he fucked up the italics tag. Now that’s some good rat.
May 28th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
Miss Jenkins knows how to reach these keedz.
May 28th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
I heard Sams grew up and changed his name to Nate Newton.
May 28th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
I couldn’t make it past the Fudge Stripes on the radiator part. I keep wondering now if I might have left Fudge Stripes on my radiator. I really hope not. That would suck. Almost as bad as it sucks that the heat in my apartment is still on in late May without air conditioning. No, actually they’d pretty much be equal.
May 28th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
I think the guy standing to the right in the above picture was Candyman, from that crappy horror flick of the same name. Say “Candyman” into the mirror three times. Try it. Now.
May 28th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
+10 for shouting out the Secret of Nimh. I loved that when I was little.
Also, fudge stripe cookies are the tits.
May 28th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
Vick would appreciate it if you would watch Toy Soldiers this weekend so that he can finally break the fuck out of there.
Also so Wesley Crusher can get shot.
May 28th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
Bat Nguyen made me laugh out loud, which
May 28th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
isn’t good when you work with the mentally ill.
May 28th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
Grimey- i like to think that vick is smuggling green vodka into the prison in scope bottles.
May 28th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
John John- what’s jerry jones like in person?
May 28th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
isn’t good when you work with the mentally ill.
You work in the Cowboys’ front office?
May 28th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
In some cultures, UM and I would now be married.
May 28th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
Wayne Brady makes Skee-Lo look like Malcolm X.
May 28th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
No doubt ookie is all about ‘The Lion Sleeps Tonight’ performance on Puttin’ on the Hits. It was a seamless segue from watching ‘What A Country!’ stoned as all fuck in the half hour before.
May 28th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
The mean bitch in “Lean on Me” was also the mean bitch on “Where In The World Is Carmen San Diego?”. Do it, Rockapella!
May 28th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
Otto- your ideas are intriguing to me and i’d like to subscribe to your newsletter
May 28th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
“Math don’t work at night.”
That boy’s a SHAKESPEARE!
May 28th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
“I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller…”
May 28th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
It’s in the mail, UM.
This issue features a lecture I gave last weekend at the Ayn Rand Center for Self Abuse, called “What’s All This Crap I’ve Been Hearing About Tolerance?”
May 28th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
“Class of ‘84″ was entertaining too, ’specially when Michael J. Fox gets shanked. But I don’t want to offend that Ben guy from the other posting that didn’t like the Raiders shank jokes.
May 28th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
I can’t wait until ookie, marcus, missy elliott, and a stuttering aaron brooks return to newport news in 10 years to fight pennywise.
May 28th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
Correction: math don’t work ever.
/screw math
May 28th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
I heard Principle Clark is going to give McGruff the Crime Dog five minutes alone with Vick in the interrogation room. No cameras.
May 28th, 2008 at 5:05 pm
@Otto Man: Ayn Rand? +1, dude.
May 28th, 2008 at 5:16 pm
The Secret of NIMH: one of those movies that you watch as a child, but you have such a short attention span at that age that it truly is a bunch of fucked up shit. One day it’ll be revealed that 90% of all seriel killers watched that movie.
May 28th, 2008 at 5:25 pm
Nice one, BDD. Best post in weeks … math don’t work at night, indeed.
@TG: I wish I had a girl that looked good. I would call her.
May 28th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
@Lil Lebowski
Another fucked up kids’ movie is “The Dark Crystal”. Good God, even the good guys were creepy.
May 28th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
@Otto Man: Ayn Rand? +1, dude.
When it comes to intellectual masturbation, there’s no one better.
May 28th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
@gino & lil
Also on the playlist: The Labyrinth featuring stolen babies, talking doorknobs, and David Bowie’s bulge semi-seducing (a not quite of age) Jennifer Connelly.
May 28th, 2008 at 6:36 pm
@Naptown Drew
Yes. Good call on “Labyrinth”. I love Jim Henson’s stuff, but man, there was some creepy shit going on with all those puppets. Oh yeah, and every KSK reader has had impure thoughts about “Labyrinth”-era Jennifer Connelly.
May 28th, 2008 at 7:26 pm
The Secret of Nimh was also the centerpiece of the animated mice adventure genre, which included The Rescuers, The Rescuers Down Under, and An American Tale. I don’t know what it was about animated mice fighting against the odds, but my 4-yr old self was enthralled.
Um, dick joke?
May 28th, 2008 at 7:57 pm
Also on the playlist: The Labyrinth featuring stolen babies, talking doorknobs, and David Bowie’s bulge semi-seducing (a not quite of age) Jennifer Connelly.
“Bret, Bret?… Bret! It’s 1986 David Bowie from the movie “Labyrinth.”"
“Yeah, I know.”
“So you showed your penis to the man at the greeting-card company?”
“That was your idea.”
“I didn’t mean something like that. I only meant something like … I don’t know, wear makeup or … ”
“Yeah, I was wearing makeup. I had lightning bolts on my wanger.”
“I meant on your face, Bret. On your face.”
May 28th, 2008 at 9:56 pm
Please, Please more Joe Clark.
May 28th, 2008 at 10:03 pm
Otto Man: When does this meeting begin?
June 4th, 2008 at 4:26 pm
Oh, Jesus.
BDD, if I had a cock, this post would have given me the biggest boner ever. Instead, it made me laugh so hard I farted. I immediately blamed it on the old lady next to me.