Arlen Specter Responds: The Transcript
We had assumed, as you yourself almost certainly had, that the whole Spygate fiasco was officially dead and buried. Not so, sayeth noted statesman and eater of fresh dog shit Arlen Specter, who is feverishly trying to resuscitate this motherfucker so bad that one would think it was casting the deciding vote in a defense-of-marriage amendment.
The Republican senator from Someplace is calling for an independent investigation, citing baseball’s Mitchell report as some sort of precedent. Specter seems to pay no regard to the facts that (a) George Mitchell was not serving in the United States Senate at any time during the production of that report, (b) Mitchell came forward at Baseball’s request, and (c) Arlen Specter is an Eagles fan, and therefore unfit for public service, or any other sort of gainful employment. We also had a (d) fact, but it included a punch line with a very obscure reference to NASA, and we weren’t sure anyone was going to get that.
Those of us here at KSK were fortunate enough to acquire a complete transcript of the Specter press conference, along with am added bonus — transcripts of private remarks Specter made after the conference was concluded. Unfortunately, these items were delivered to us by a visually-impaired, moped-riding chimpanzee named Mindy, who we rely on for most of our political news, since she has unique access to the underbelly of the political scene.
And she has her own moped.
But Mindy’s latest delivery to us was jumbled and confusing; the two transcripts were mixed together, along with four pages of a Peter Pan coloring book and pages 16-25 of the screenplay of the 1982 box office hit Tootsie, starring Dustin Hoffman.
At this point we were ready to say, “Fuck it, let’s not do a transcript post,” until the phone rang. It was one of those automated customer-service surveys, and I promptly hung up. Sure, it had nothing to do with the issue of the transcript, but the disruption to our thought process was significant enough that when pressed with the choice of resuming the diligence of our chore or, say, making one of those frozen skillet dinners out of a bag, that we headed directly to the kitchen. That was a very long sentence.
We don’t remember which frozen skillet dinner we enjoyed — I want to say Teryaki Chicken and Fried Rice, but don’t hold me to that — but after finishing and leaving the dishes out on the counter for someone else to clean up after us, our strategem evolved from “Fuck the transcript” to “Fake the transcript.”
That is, we decided to falsify a given amount of substance to justify the presence of our post that sought to oppose a Midwestern conservative dickbag that was wasting everyone’s time for his own benefit.
And, to that end, we present this artifically-conceived-yet-somehow-very-authentic-looking-document detailing the senator’s remarks in an easy-to-follow, bullet-point format that may or may not feature a gratuitous amount of hyphens.
(You can click this fucker to view it now. That was my bad before.)
Thank you and good night.
Tags: and just for good measure fuck BRETT FAVRE also, From The Desk Of Arlen Specter, Iracane and I are pals but he said he's had better, MMP, rob iracane, The motherfucking federal government
May 15th, 2008 at 5:51 am
what the fuck is NASA?
May 15th, 2008 at 7:05 am
In all seriousness, this isn’t about Specter the Eagles fan getting upset at the Patriots, it’s about Specter the Comcast donation whore repaying his corporate backers. They’re pissed off over the decision to air some games solely on the NFL Network, which isn’t on Comcast, and Specter wants to make the NFL sweat on their behalf.
Also, fuck that guy.
May 15th, 2008 at 7:16 am
“(c) Arlen Specter is an Eagles fan, and therefore unfit for public service, or any other sort of gainful employment”
Hear fucking hear.
Oh, fuck… when you’re this high in the comment list, you’re expected to say something witty. FUCK. Oh fuckohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuck.
Ummm…
Former senator Mitchell? MORE like CURRENT senator Bitchell! Yeah! Right?
/I fuckin’ blew it
May 15th, 2008 at 8:01 am
(c) Arlen Specter is an Eagles fan, and therefore unfit for public service, or any other sort of gainful employment
Don’t make me go all 700 Level on your asses.
May 15th, 2008 at 8:27 am
…it included a punch line with a very obscure reference to NASA, and we weren’t sure anyone was going to get that.
I don’t need to stand around here and take these insults.
/cartwheels out, yelling “There once was a man from Nantucket…”
May 15th, 2008 at 8:56 am
If that fake document is supposed to link, it’s not working.
JV
May 15th, 2008 at 9:15 am
Thank you Mr. Specter! Hopefully, you can drag this out even farther beyond the point of ridiculousness it has currently reached. I can think of nothing more serious our elected officials could focus on right now.
May 15th, 2008 at 9:33 am
@JV: right-click, “view image”
Also, if your computer ever freezes, try “ctrl+alt+delete”
May 15th, 2008 at 9:37 am
Allen Specter may be a Republican, but he’s no conservative. I think the term “libtard” fits him best.
May 15th, 2008 at 9:38 am
Bloviating old buzzard should stick to his cancer treatments and leave the aimless Congress-sports incursions to other petty douchebags like Henry Waxman.
May 15th, 2008 at 9:52 am
I think the term “libtard” fits him best.
Don’t try to pawn this shitbag off on us. Your party elected him, you get to keep him.
May 15th, 2008 at 10:16 am
When I’m awake at 4:04am, I’m also usually thinking about Rob Iracane’s penis.
May 15th, 2008 at 10:24 am
Is Mindy seeing anyone?
May 15th, 2008 at 10:37 am
If there’s a camel with no humps I don’t want to know about it.
May 15th, 2008 at 10:52 am
Perhaps Specter can bring his previous experience on the Warren Commission into play by concockting a “Magic Signal” theory that explains how the Rams were unable to fackin’ get it done because Belicheat had their game plan.
Who knows? Maybe Belicheat “found” the Eagles game plan wrapped around a couple of cigars that fell out of Reid’s coat pocket.
May 15th, 2008 at 11:07 am
Nobody does “patronizing” quite like Ufford. Yes, the Senate blows*, and dragging this out is completely retarded. But I have to admit, I would like to see all the professional sports leagues and the NCAA lose their federal antitrust exemptions. But since that’s never going to happen, and everyone knows that, it’s stupid and annoying for Specter to bring it up just to make nice with his Comcast cronies.
* as a staffer on the House side, I’m pretty much required to dislike it, but that doesn’t mean I’m wrong
May 15th, 2008 at 11:31 am
Hey, Dickface.
Philadelphia is NOT the Midwest.
Yeah yeah yeah, he’s not from Philly. But he’s an Eagles fan so he might as well be.
Come to think of it, as an Eagles fan he might as well be from the pit of Hell.
May 15th, 2008 at 11:36 am
A Midwestern conservative dickbag? I’m a Midwestern conservative dickbag and I can tell you we ain’t claiming Arlen Specter.
May 15th, 2008 at 11:43 am
OK, let me get this straight:
Libtards don’t like Specter.
Conservative dickbags don’t like Specter.
Eagles fans (like myself) claim he doesn’t speak for us on this issue.
Steelers fans, obviously, don’t claim him as one of their own.
Sooooo… how the fuck does this guy keep getting elected?
May 15th, 2008 at 11:56 am
Sooooo… how the fuck does this guy keep getting elected?
Pure sexual magentism. Have you ever seen this liver-spotted lothario speak? Panties start flying everywhere like a fucking Tom Jones concert.
Actually, I have no idea. I gave up trying to understand the people of Pennsyltucky after my first exposure to scrapple and Scranton.
May 15th, 2008 at 11:57 am
Magnetism, not magentism. He’s not a red crayon.
May 15th, 2008 at 11:59 am
I think this just proves that KSK readers have bipartisan support for Hodgkin’s disease.
also, am I the only person in the world who has comcast and NFLN? in HD no less? I might pay $2 extra dollars a month, so what’s the big fucking deal?
May 15th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
My Specter around me night and day
Like a wild beast guards my way,
My emanation far within
Weeps incessantly for my sin.
May 15th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
@Mini, I had it too for 8 bucks a month with the NBA and NHL TV packages. Then I realized, I don’t watch any other teams but my own and that NFLN sucks shit.
Fuck Arlen Specter in his fuck hole.
May 15th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
Since when did Bush drive a moped around the White House?
May 15th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
The royal “we” has made its way here. There IS a good-old-boys network!
May 15th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
Listen, I live in Pennsylvania and have no idea how the clueless bastard keeps geting elected. You would think his shameful work on the Warren Commission would be enough to disqualify him from elected office. Now this. He is holding on to this Spygate thing like George Michaels hangs onto a mens room dick. Yet I’m quite sure my fellow residents of this state will find some way to re-elect this gasbag for what seems like the 50th time. Conservatives don’t like him, liberals won’t claim him, and he’s still in Congress wasting my time and tax money. What a doucebag. Oh, and yeah, Fuck Bill Belecheat and the Patriots. Fuck them with a plunger.
/sorry for the lengthy political rant
/dick joke (although the George Michael reference may have covered me there)
May 15th, 2008 at 4:59 pm
[...] May 15, 2008 · No Comments Here are the minutes of his recent waste of time Senate Hearings on something or other involving the… [...]
May 15th, 2008 at 8:50 pm
It’s Arlen J. Specter, and the J stands for “Just stab me in the face with an ice pick and do the world a favor”
May 15th, 2008 at 9:24 pm
Arlen Specter’s work on the Warren Comission came up with the “Magic Bullet” theory. Enough said.
Oh, and I have Comcast and the NFL Network in HD. It increased my bill by $8 and gave me a dozen other channels. As a college student with a part time job this meant that one extra hour of work a week covered the increase for a month. What exactly is the big pantie-bunching deal about this.
May 15th, 2008 at 11:04 pm
Sooooo… how the fuck does this guy keep getting elected?
Sooooo… Who makes the voting machineds?
May 15th, 2008 at 11:12 pm
Can anyone tell me how to embed a lifesize photo of my gigantic penis on this awful awful website? BY THE WAY IT’S A FULL FOUR INCHES ERECT WHICH I THINK IS JUST FINE THANK YOU VERY MUCH
May 15th, 2008 at 11:13 pm
THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS LINK TO MY AWESOME WEBSITE WALKOFF WALK DOT COM
May 16th, 2008 at 1:27 am
@rob I. you do the lord’s work. fuck PUNTE.
/very, very sorry
May 16th, 2008 at 2:11 am
@Smurphette: I was under the impression that the NFL doesn’t have an antitrust exemption, which explains how the XFL and the USFL were able to come into existence.
Am I wrong? I’m too lazy to go look it up….
May 16th, 2008 at 8:38 am
@Martin: He keeps getting elected because this is Pennsylvania we are talking about here. This is the same state whose governor conceded that its citizens were too racist to vote for Obama. Trying to rationalize anything they do is an exercise in futil-itay.
May 16th, 2008 at 8:53 am
@dinosaur: I believe you’re thinking of a state-granted monopoly. The anti-trust thing just means that if they behave as a monopoly, they are protected from legal action. Not that it would matter, really, as the USFL took them to court, won, and didn’t win enough damages to cover a hand job in rural Nova Scotia.
May 16th, 2008 at 9:10 am
@ handful. Not to defend my fellow residents of this state completely (after all, as was stated earlier, a complete douchebag like Specter continually get elected) but you shouldn’t pay a great deal of attention to anything Ed Rendell has to say about anything. He’s as much of an idiot as Specter, and probably hasn’t been outside of Philadelphia since he became Governor.
He made the “white people in PA won’t vote for Obama” comment because he has supported Hillary since day 1 and was trying to scare the Democrats into her camp (i.e. a Democrat can’t win the White House without winning PA, and the racist fucks there will never vote for a black man. Bullshit). PA has voted Democratic at least the last 3 elections and when Obama is the candidate will so again next fall. He knows this but will gladly us a very broad brush to paint his state in a negative light by using some scare tactic, just to try and accomplish what he wants. Fuck him, Fuck Arlen Specter, and Fuck Bill Belecheat.
May 16th, 2008 at 9:11 am
oh, damn, forgot something.
/dick joke
May 16th, 2008 at 11:29 am
I am so relieved that the war is over and the economy is healthy. Now that the real problems are solved, this fucktard can beat a dead horse about a football game.
May 18th, 2008 at 7:50 pm
“That is, we decided to falsify a given amount of substance to justify the presence of our post that sought to oppose a Midwestern conservative dickbag that was wasting everyone’s time for his own benefit.”
Mistake #1 - Pennsylvania ain’t “Midwestern”
Mistake #2 - Specter ain’t “conservative”
Mistake #3 - “that was wasting” should be “who was wasting”
Mistake #4 - I bothered to read this garbage