And We Totally Saw That Giants Title Run Coming
Greetings post-industrial dogshit.
We comprise what remains of the once-great Mayan society. Y’know, that Mesoamerican culture that gave you advanced writing system and an independently formed concept of zero. How else would you calculate Tarvaris Jackson’s quarterback rating?
You may also remember us as the people you confused with the Aztecs and as the inspiration of Nickelodeon’s hit game show Legends of the Hidden Temple. All those gay Aztecs gave you was Apocalypto. Warfaring dickholsters.
Fuck them Olmecs while we’re at it.
Lately it seems our relevance as an ancient civilization has dwindled to near nothingness. It was only in your folly that our importance was reaffirmed.
Our forebearers created an staggeringly accurate calendar that predicts the end of the world in 2012.
Just today, your preeminent sporting league has assigned accursed shit basin Indianapolis as the host site of its championship game in that year.
Ahem.
Told ya so.
That event, headlined by a unholy halftime act REM, will touch off a gruesome death spiral for humanity that will conclude when Tina Fey is elected president of your country, after the Republicans foolishly hope to counter the political might of horrific yapcunt Hillary Clinton, who will wrest control of your nation in a matter of months.
It’s gonna suck.
I don’t know what else to tell you.
Want some maize?
Tags: indianapocalypse, xmas ape
May 20th, 2008 at 8:29 pm
The whole shit basin thing is definitely true, but the bright side is that at least we’re not alone.
May 20th, 2008 at 8:43 pm
Indy is a fine town.
But the problem is, it really is a town. Not a big city. You won’t be walking on South Beach or cruising the French Quarter in Indianapolis…. but I promise you it will beat the hell out of Jacksonville and Detroit as a host city.
May 20th, 2008 at 9:22 pm
Indianapolis is the 13th largest city in the US. It’s the amateur sports capital of the world and host to the two largest single day sporting events. I think we can handle a game that is seen by the most people on TELEVISION. Get over it. We are a city of Champions!!!!
May 20th, 2008 at 9:35 pm
Indianapolis. It’s Pittsburgh without the culture. Oh wait.
May 20th, 2008 at 9:55 pm
Darren Daulton also says, “I told you so.”
May 20th, 2008 at 10:47 pm
Olmecs made the Mayans, Mayans made the Aztecs, Aztecs made Jon Stewart……
The Olmecs made Mike Huckabee!
May 20th, 2008 at 11:34 pm
I’m totally writing Liz Lemon in on my ballot.
May 21st, 2008 at 12:12 am
I gotta say, I’m a little disappointed this wasn’t meaner, more vitriolic, and written by MMP. He’s just so good at hating my hometown, and I always end up laughing when I remember that he’s from Cinci. Also, there are definitely some Mayan genes in my mestizo Mexican blood, so don’t hate. I know your pale monkey ass is just jealous.
And “yapcunt” is still a terrific word.
May 21st, 2008 at 7:42 am
It is never a bad day when KSK dedicates a whole article to slamming my hometown, and somehow incorporates a central theme of the X-Files with it.
As a side note, Indianapolis can’t be any worse than Jacksonville.
May 21st, 2008 at 7:58 am
As a side note, Indianapolis can’t be any worse than Jacksonville.
Jacksonville’s Average February Temperature: 55
Indianapolis’s Average February Temperature: 28
I think most people heading to the Super Bowl could put up with the rampant leopard-print stylings for a 30-degree bump in outside temperature.
May 21st, 2008 at 8:29 am
Fuck you, Quetzalcoatl!
May 21st, 2008 at 9:01 am
Yes, I would like some maize.
May 21st, 2008 at 9:07 am
Hey, I saw SS Sturmbannfuhrer Gibson’s Apocalypto. You Mayans were assholes.
May 21st, 2008 at 9:53 am
My people call it corn.
May 21st, 2008 at 9:56 am
I just put my bid in for the maize-dog concession.
May 21st, 2008 at 9:57 am
[exhales]
If this Super Bowl even happens (not due to apocalypse, but the lockout inducing salary cap-free season played before it), Indy should make a somewhat serviceable host. The temps might be cold, but we will have gigantic fire pits with which you can use to warm up or as a Pats fan receptacle. We actually do have decent bars in the downtown area, but most of the the college-educated ladies and the good drugs are found only 10 minutes away (public transportation available) in Broad Ripple; a kind of Adams Morgan Lite, if you will, for the many of you associated with this blog seeming to live in the D.C. area.
As for no alcohol on Sundays, the stadium and the restaurants still serve. So does Jack Trudeau, and so do I (unless you’re in town to see the Pats).
May 21st, 2008 at 11:15 am
I’m just glad they won’t be bringing the Super Bowl to San Diego anytime soon. I hate all you East Coast douchebags comin out here with your floral prints and fanny packs!
May 21st, 2008 at 11:31 am
I know this prediction is false since the AIDS will have killed Micheal Stipes by then. Too Soon?
May 21st, 2008 at 11:57 am
Never been to Indy
But I hear there’s always a strip club open in that town.
Unlike Jacksonville, where you will only be constantly assaulted by the smell of ass.
May 21st, 2008 at 12:44 pm
I hate all you Ohio and Iowa douchebags comin out here with your floral prints and fanny packs!
FIXED!
May 21st, 2008 at 2:10 pm
I had no idea William Dafoe was a Mayan.
May 21st, 2008 at 2:12 pm
Except in Ohio, they have to tie the ends of two fanny packs together. But yeah, still sucks though.
May 21st, 2008 at 4:13 pm
@Naptown Drew: I lived in Broad Ripple when I was little (at E. Kessler & College), and have gone out there with friends several times - calling it a smaller Adams Morgan is right on.
May 22nd, 2008 at 4:24 pm
I think my favorite part of this whole “debate” on cities that suck/don’t suck is that XMas Ape acts like he lives a life of traveling to Rio, Moscow, Tokyo, and London with the whole “Indianapolis sucks” thing. You live in DC dude, which last time I checked wasn’t the greatest place either. You sound like these clowns:
http://gawker.com/news/d%27c%27-sucks/why-we-avoid-dc-at-all-costs-283829.php
We get it man, you don’t have fun there. For as much bitching about the MSM as you guys do on this site, you sound just like them. I can already hear the Colin Cowherd/Mike and Mad Dog/Mike North/Bill Simmons types bitching incessantly about how much every city sucks except San Diego, Phoenix, and Miami.
May 22nd, 2008 at 10:43 pm
Indianapolis: Des Moines without the glitter.