Alonzo Spellman’s Clown Burgers Are Made From 100% Clown Meat!
Hi, folks! I’m Alonzo Spellman, former defensive lineman for the Chicago Bears and mentally unhinged citizen of the planet Xaphox. You might remember me from the time I ripped the phone off a wall in a doctor’s office, or the time I forced a plane to land after trying to dig the spiders out of a stewardess’s shoulder blade! You also might remember me from such successful products as Alonzo Spellman’s Pussy Hook, Alonzo Spellman’s Nail Muffin, and Alonzo Spellman’s Flying Knife.
But folks, I think I may have stumbled on perhaps my greatest innovation yet! We all know just how delicious clowns are. Well folks, now you can get the great taste of clown… IN A BURGER!
That’s right! Alonzo Spellman’s Clown Burgers!
Made with REAL clown meat! We start with all natural, 100% organic clowns!
Please, sir! Don’t kill me! All I wanted to do was bring joy to children in the neighborhood! No, please! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT APPLE CORER?! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Then we grind ‘em right up into juicy, one-pound patties!
You’ve never had a clown burger this thick! Then we freeze them up and ship them right to your door! They’re great for cookouts, picnics, even birthday parties! Kids love them! Don’t you, little Jenny?!
This big, scary man wearing a gray sweatshirt and no pants knocked on our door and made us eat another man he said wanted to live inside our tummies. My mom and I cried a lot. That big, scary man is very scary.
My oh my, Alonzo Spellman’s Clown Burgers sure will get your flower squirtin’! Best of all, they’re all natural. We don’t inject our clowns with any hormones, or feed them their own feces. They’re farm-raised, and farm-slaughtered. And they’re 100% clown! No mime meat!
No mute people meat!
And NO UPS worker meat!
I know people usually think of clowns as perpetrators and not victims. But I tell you, once you’ve tried MY clown burgers, you’ll never accept anything less! Mmmmm… THAT’S GOOD CLOWN!
So if you’ve got a big appetite and you’re ready to feast upon human tissue, please send EXACTLY $3,489,745,089,278,031,892.22 in Greek drachmas only to this address:
The Shed Behind Mrs. Buckley’s House, Where I Am Lying In Wait
Fairbanks, AL
Please send me this money in an unmarked envelope that has been heavily sprayed with Roundup. Sinister forces in the Ecudorian government are watching my every move, so I can’t afford to take chances. They’ve bugged my house, my car, my eyes, and the underside of my tongue. As much as I try to scratch, I CANNOT GET RID OF THE TERRIBLE STATIC.
So get your Alonzo Spellman’s Clown Burgers today! The taste is NO JOKE.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, Does this taste funny to you?, fine Alonzo Spellman products, mental illness is something we can all ridicule, nightmare fuel
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May 19th, 2008 at 9:56 am
I would not fuck with Alonzo Spellman. Giant black men that are batshit crazy tend to make me piss myself.
May 19th, 2008 at 10:03 am
I ordered a box. The package said it contained twelve burgers, but I must have pulled four dozen out of there. It was hilarious!
May 19th, 2008 at 10:06 am
I am aroused.
May 19th, 2008 at 10:12 am
So this is what happened to the Krusty Burglar.
“Stop! Stop! He’s already dead.”
May 19th, 2008 at 10:19 am
The Shed Behind Mrs. Buckley’s House, Where I Am Lying In Wait
Fairbanks, AL
I have a neighbor?
May 19th, 2008 at 10:22 am
Is this the Ronald McDonald kind of clown, or the John Wayne Gacy kind of clown? Because I don’t need to be eating gay clowns.
May 19th, 2008 at 10:23 am
After what they did to poor Dumbo, fuck dem clowns.
May 19th, 2008 at 10:27 am
And no need to marinate! Clown meat has always been soaked in booze for a lifetime.
May 19th, 2008 at 10:29 am
YOU’RE GONNA DIE, CLOWN!
May 19th, 2008 at 10:32 am
Is that mime Frankie Muniz?
May 19th, 2008 at 10:32 am
Last time I had clown it gave me the runs something terrible…
LOL @ Grimey, nice Happy Gilmore ref.
May 19th, 2008 at 10:34 am
Does this story lend irony or tragedy to the statement:
Can’t sleep Clowns might eat me!
May 19th, 2008 at 10:40 am
Is he related to Soulja Girl?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-NZtGz_7WI0
May 19th, 2008 at 10:48 am
I would love a tour of the clown slaughterhouse
May 19th, 2008 at 10:52 am
Mozzy, you just saved a ton of money, unlike all the other schmucks that ran out there to buy jack daniels clown marinade.
May 19th, 2008 at 10:54 am
the slaughter of clowns will always be funny like watching someone get hit in the crotch with a football.
May 19th, 2008 at 10:55 am
I didn’t know there was a Fairbanks, Alabama. I knew there was one in Alaska, though.
May 19th, 2008 at 11:00 am
You people have stood in my way long enough.
I’m going to clown college.
May 19th, 2008 at 11:02 am
It’s funny because he’s crazy.
May 19th, 2008 at 11:08 am
I can hear the commercial jingles now: “Everybody loves a clown…so why don’t you?”
May 19th, 2008 at 11:23 am
“These burgers are full of smiles! and assholes, and noses..”
May 19th, 2008 at 11:26 am
In a perfect world, that meat grinder would make the slide whistle noise.
May 19th, 2008 at 11:28 am
To Future MrsRick…….You mean, let me understand this cause, ya know maybe it’s me, I’m a little fucked up maybe, but I’m funny how, I mean funny like I’m a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I’m here to fuckin’ amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?
May 19th, 2008 at 11:36 am
Taste the happy.
May 19th, 2008 at 11:39 am
Dan: Get the fuck out of here, Tommy.
May 19th, 2008 at 11:46 am
When you’re down here, with me, you’ll float too!
May 19th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
@Birdman
There’s no “Fairbanks,” but there is a Fairhope – it’s near my wife’s hometown of Mobile. Alabama beaches are nice. That is all.
/dick joke
Okay, now that is all.
May 19th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
I heard Spellman had to recall a whole shipment of clown burgers because they were infected with Insane Clown Posse Disease.
May 19th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
Insane Clown Posse Disease AKA ‘Mad Clown Disease’
May 19th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
What are you doing in the closet clown????
May 19th, 2008 at 1:21 pm
(to a redhead)
How many dates do we have to go on before you’ll let me call it Clown Pussy?
May 19th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
Demetrius Underwood just just opened a new Clown Burger franchise in Fairbanks, Alabama.
May 19th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
I tried them burgers, I thought they tasted a little funny….
May 19th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
Insane Clown Posse Disease AKA ‘Mad Clown Disease’
Thanks for spelling that out, champ.
May 19th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
I would love a tour of the clown slaughterhouse
Come on Jimmy, let’s take a peek at the killing floor. Don’t let the name throw you Jimmy. It’s not really a floor, it’s more of a steel grating that allows material to sluice through so it can be collected and exported.
May 19th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
Ronald McDonald unavailable for comment.
May 19th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
FUCK i only have $3,489,745,089,278,031,892.10 in Greek drachmas.
i guess ill…never taste the clown burger…
/sad clown face
May 19th, 2008 at 4:26 pm
It’s kinda freaky ’cause they honk when you bite into ‘em.
Ah-Oooh-Gah!
May 19th, 2008 at 4:56 pm
The best part about ‘em is you can fit like 300 of them in the bag.
May 19th, 2008 at 5:05 pm
Sad Clown, Bad Burger
/Atmosphere joke
Also is the Nightmare fuel tag related to the clown burgers or clowns in general, I fucking hate clows.
May 19th, 2008 at 5:07 pm
Alonzo,
This European Union shit is confusing the hell out of me. In lieu of Greek Drachmas, will you take Irish Pounds, Guilder, Deutsche Marks, Francs or Pesetas?
May 19th, 2008 at 5:21 pm
You sure you won’t take 236,790,720,466,309,000,000.00 in Malaysia Ringgits? I’ve so got to get rid of this fuckin’ currency. Gotdamn Malaysians!!!
May 19th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
I was wondering why the circus never comes to Columbus anymore.
May 19th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
@John John
When I grow up, I want to go to bovine university!
May 19th, 2008 at 9:49 pm
“Does this taste funny to you?”
I laughed so hard that milk shot out my nose
And I haven’t had milk in a week.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:40 am
I bet at the clown slaughterhouse there’s a sign that’s hung above the entrance that says, “send in the clowns”
May 20th, 2008 at 8:07 am
I don’t know about this. A bad clown can really fuck you up.
May 20th, 2008 at 10:25 am
Bobcat Goldthwait approves of this product.
May 21st, 2008 at 9:25 am
[...] up! The stacks of chips never lined up! There must be five ice cubes in this drink! FIVE! BTW, Alonzo Spellman thinks you’re a total wuss, [...]
May 21st, 2008 at 10:23 am
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