UPDATE: Ape Got Dooced
Yeah, dooced.
Anyone who had 48 hours in the Ape Gets Fired For Coming Out On KSK Pool, please claim your prize of Cunt Puncher tattoo at the door. (link NSFW)
Upon sacking, I was told that I brought “discredit to the paper” with my choosing to drink at bars in my free time. Any good journo knows to keep the flask in the desk. That NFL PostSecret series also garnered far too few comments for their liking.
So now in lieu of a three-hour commute and tedious busywork, I can make the same amount of money writing the Further Adventures of Marmalard from my apartment. Sure, health insurance is nice, but it’s no constant masturbation breaks.
Still, getting escorted out of the building by security was no fun, and sharing the elevator with Dana Milbank on the way out was even worse, but none of that compares with the withering scorn of Jean Grey.
Tags: dying medium, SNUB, wapo is mediabistro gay, xmas ape
April 16th, 2008 at 11:47 pm
You should have gotten tazed.
April 16th, 2008 at 11:50 pm
WTF??!! That’s just wrong – I’m sorry to hear it Ape – though I despise your team of choice, I hope you find a better job soon & find a way to fuck over your previous employer. Fuck WaPo – I ain’t readin’ their shit for 50 cents no more!
April 16th, 2008 at 11:51 pm
You pay? It just shows up at my door. And I still read it online.
April 16th, 2008 at 11:53 pm
Me too, Ape. Maybe we can travel the country solving crimes and righting wrongs. We’ll even get a classic Corvette like the guys on “Route 66.’ I’ll be the wise-cracking, irreverent one and you can be the one who wonders how he fucked up his life so badly. Wait, that’s me too. Shit.
April 16th, 2008 at 11:55 pm
I’m going to subscribe to the Post so I can cancel my subscription out of protest.
April 16th, 2008 at 11:56 pm
No, I grab it when someone else pays, but I was trying to make a point… I’m gonna stop stealing the WaPo! Wait, that doesn’t make sense – maybe I’ll just keep stealing it to spite the dying medium and then throw it in the trash bin! Fuck – I give up.
April 17th, 2008 at 12:14 am
“Maybe we can travel the country solving crimes and righting wrongs.”
I told him he should be a detective!
April 17th, 2008 at 12:17 am
Constant Masturbation>Health Insurance every time. Time to stock up on lotion.
April 17th, 2008 at 12:31 am
Holy shit. Maybe I’m in the minority here, but I honestly thought you were joking about the prospect of getting fired Ape.
Fuck WaPo.
April 17th, 2008 at 12:33 am
That’s just weak. They better do the same to Kornheiser when I post the video I have of him at Chevy’s Tex Mex singing La Bamba on the bar.
April 17th, 2008 at 12:41 am
Just the latest of many signs that WaPo has been declining in quality since Katharine Graham died.
April 17th, 2008 at 12:58 am
That’s it. I’m spitting on the homeless guy who distributes the Express tomorrow morning.
April 17th, 2008 at 1:07 am
If this is just a clever ploy to get me to buy some cheap tickets, no dice.
Seriously, that is bullshit. Their loss.
April 17th, 2008 at 1:07 am
Ha!! Dick!!
No really, that sucks.
April 17th, 2008 at 1:08 am
Someone needs to get you a paid blogging gig ala Caveman. I’m sure you could easily produce a blog at least as inspired if not much more inspired than With Leather.
April 17th, 2008 at 1:39 am
DAGGER!
April 17th, 2008 at 1:48 am
http://blog.washingtonpost.com/dcsportsbog/2008/04/bizarre_olympic_dreams.html
Comment #2, I encourage the faithful to follow up.
April 17th, 2008 at 2:02 am
You’ll be fine, just make a great Internet video, you’ll be raking in the theoretical dollars.
And what’s the over/under for the first comment about moving back to your mother’s basement?
April 17th, 2008 at 2:06 am
Personally, the idea of someone getting fired for creating blogs that prominently feature the word “cunt” and drinking heavily in bars is incredibly attractive. Not that you necessarily need the parting gift encouragement, but I’d predict that you get boatloads of tail on top of the free range masturbation.
April 17th, 2008 at 2:26 am
At least now no ones gonna force you to write stories about the first baby of the year, and you’ve got more free time for dick jokes.
If only you had the racing president job to fall back on.
April 17th, 2008 at 2:34 am
I’m just curious as to how many posts they got through before falling back on “hanging out with over-sized cartoon parrots at bars” as the excuse to show you the door.
Seriously sucks though.
April 17th, 2008 at 2:49 am
Who will write the stories about lacist shoes now?
April 17th, 2008 at 3:00 am
Aww cheer up buddy.
You.. you want to go take a dump in wapos shoes? You wanna take a dump in wapos shoes?
Seriously though. You better take legendary revenge. The possibilities are endless.
And this time do not post it on the internet with you drunkingly stumbling around close by.
April 17th, 2008 at 4:19 am
Angry mob with torches and pitchforks to WaPo?
April 17th, 2008 at 5:48 am
Another one bites the dust.
/Mr. Burns voice
April 17th, 2008 at 6:09 am
Grape Ape!
April 17th, 2008 at 7:12 am
Worst of all, Ape’s getting replaced by this guy:
It’s all in his notes.
April 17th, 2008 at 7:13 am
Hmm, no image post?
Oh well.
It was a picture of Scott Templeton.
He was the character on The Wire who made shit up.
April 17th, 2008 at 7:18 am
That fuckin’ SUCKS, Ape. Sucks.
Fuck the WaPo … for shit-canning you, and for giving you those horseshit “lighter side of the news” assignments to begin with.
On the plus-side, social media outlets are on the upswing and “traditional news outlets” are going through their biggest period of layoffs since, ever.
I hope to see the tag “wapo is mediabistro gay” prominently featured in posts to come.
Fuck the Steelers,
MBP.
April 17th, 2008 at 7:24 am
The Post fires your ass, and still allows an uberdouche like Howie Kurtz to roam around free and uncockpunched? Fuck that noise.
You know, you can always become a Moonie and try to score a job at the Washington Times.
April 17th, 2008 at 7:27 am
Congrats to you for joining the ranks of the slipper-wearing full time, ape.
You know, if I were intent on adapting my money-hemorrhaging, dying medium to the Internet, it might be tempting to take advantage of the fact that one of my writers is already a popular blogger by taking him off the metro desk and hiring him to be a blogger. I guess that’s why I don’t run any major media conglomerates.
April 17th, 2008 at 8:12 am
This sucks…Ape there’s always a opening as Steely McTeabag…almost the same amount of humiliation as a wapo peon.
April 17th, 2008 at 8:27 am
Ape
Been there, got the tee shirt many times. Fuck em
April 17th, 2008 at 8:28 am
The ombudswoman will be hearing from me!
It’s too bad you didn’t do something chic, like smoke crack on the job, or you could’ve gotten a magazine cover story.
April 17th, 2008 at 8:30 am
HappyFunMiles beat me to the Wire joke goddammit.
Well at least this will give you more time to deal with your increased Facebook traffic.
April 17th, 2008 at 8:34 am
I second JA3’s thoughts. That’s messed up.
On the bright side, at least the democrats are coming back into office!
“Didn’t you wonder why you were getting checks for doing
absolutely nothing?”
“I figured because the democrats were in power again.”
/a time like this calls for Simpsons quotes…
April 17th, 2008 at 8:40 am
Who is Maj and Ufford?
April 17th, 2008 at 8:42 am
Solution: get a Government job! Sure, more mindless work that will make your eyes bleed, but you can still drink and blog to your heart’s content with no real fear of getting fired.
April 17th, 2008 at 8:55 am
This is the only Washington Post firing that Romenesko will never mention.
April 17th, 2008 at 9:17 am
Anyone else think Ape looks exactly like this dude from Road Trip?
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0710829/
April 17th, 2008 at 9:34 am
No fucking way. On what grounds are they claiming you brought discredit? That is some fucking bullshit dude.
April 17th, 2008 at 9:42 am
Damn Ape, Sorry to hear that…
April 17th, 2008 at 9:45 am
my condolences. that really and truly sucks. i’ve often wondered what it would take to get fired from my job (one of the best ways of staying not fired to realize that most everyone else is incompetent and shoot for a level of slight non-incompetence just higher than theirs) but contribution to one of the best (and certainly the funniest) NFL blog seems pretty low on the likeliability index.
At least you’re not the construction worker that buried the ortiz jersey in the concrete of new yankee stadium.
also, apparently winning all those pulitzers means you have license to be a huge dick to your employees.
April 17th, 2008 at 9:48 am
It’s for the best – any company that frowns upon drinking on your own time is destined for misery. Go out and have a ‘fuck you’ drink to celebrate on me (metaphorically of course…obviously).
April 17th, 2008 at 9:52 am
[...] politely asked to get the fuck out — the actual language WaPo used was that he brought “discredit to the paper.” But who knew the Post was full of such tightass, buzzkilling narcs? (Actually, Mike [...]
April 17th, 2008 at 9:54 am
Absolute horseshit … Let’s make sure we keep Michael Clayton’s protest thread going on the Bog comments too; that was a good call, Clayton: http://blog.washingtonpost.com/dcsportsbog/2008/04/bizarre_olympic_dreams.html
April 17th, 2008 at 9:58 am
Kornheiser creates in another medium. Alcohol is one of the main sponsors of his side gig. Yet you get fired because you did what Kornheiser’s sponsors encouraged you to do, you consumed alcohol. Sounds about right.
April 17th, 2008 at 9:59 am
BUT WHO WILL REPORT THE CHICKEN FIRES!!??!?!?!?!1!!
April 17th, 2008 at 10:00 am
Those damn dirty apes!
April 17th, 2008 at 10:02 am
now that you have all this free time, just make sure you don’t overlog. you could get attacked by a spooky ghost and covered in ectoplasm
April 17th, 2008 at 10:28 am
You have turned your life over to a truly noble calling: connecting depraved sports fans with the cheap tickets they so badly need.
April 17th, 2008 at 10:36 am
“Sure, health insurance is nice, but it’s no constant masturbation breaks.”
My advice is to find a solid video-on-demand site; that way, you’re not pigeonholed into one particular type of porn. You can go from MILF to young girls to big butts to all-anal. Variety is the spice of life.
/known pervert
April 17th, 2008 at 10:38 am
I want to be full of indignant rage for you, Ape, but the nitrous just won’t let me.
April 17th, 2008 at 10:41 am
I wonder which line was the one that got you fired? I suspect that it was “Je buttfucking accuse!”.
April 17th, 2008 at 10:44 am
Companies that fire people for being drunk on their own time are worse than the holocaust. BURN IT TO THE GROUND!
April 17th, 2008 at 10:50 am
So which one of those shit-eating bastages over at the post who reads KSK ratted you out Ape? Tell us who it is and he shall never see the light of day again!!!
FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
April 17th, 2008 at 10:51 am
Make sure to stretch or use those hand exercise things every once in a while. I think Carlos Zambrano went on the DL a while back for constant masturbation.
April 17th, 2008 at 10:56 am
To bad Milbank can’t take Olbermann’s cock out of his mouth long enough to put in a good word for you at MSNBC, I understand “cunty” is quite popular over there.
April 17th, 2008 at 11:09 am
hope you like starving.
April 17th, 2008 at 11:10 am
It’s your blog. Way to go, dumbass. You’ll never get another job from a media organization, particularly not from one that just won six Pulitzers.
Think this blog will pay your bills?
April 17th, 2008 at 11:18 am
Nice Picture.
Love you as QB1 on Friday Night Lights.
April 17th, 2008 at 11:23 am
@what’s that sucking sound
When did Ape’s mom learn how to use the inter-web?
April 17th, 2008 at 11:32 am
Ah good to see WaPo fanboys anonymously lowering themselves to our level to come sling mud. Rock on sheep!
April 17th, 2008 at 11:40 am
Did you go to the Post Pub or Fast Eddies after security showed you the door?
April 17th, 2008 at 11:41 am
Your mom just won six blowjob awards
April 17th, 2008 at 11:42 am
WashPo no smiree? Me wonder rhy…
April 17th, 2008 at 11:48 am
I’m so confused !
You mean the Marmalard articles WEREN’T officially approved by the Washington Post ?!?!
April 17th, 2008 at 11:49 am
[...] a dying medium or even slightly intrigued by the ongoing tales of Marmalard. Thus the Xmas ape was dooced by an asshole editor at the [...]
April 17th, 2008 at 11:49 am
Sounds like some of Ape’s marmalardian colleagues had a grudge. Getting someone you don’t like fired is a pathetic way to compensate for your own shortcomings. Buying a sports car is the only proven way to make your penis bigger.
April 17th, 2008 at 11:56 am
[...] at least he did, until he was fired by the Post for what he’s written at the blog. Tunison says the Post told him he violated Post standards and discredited the paper by writing a [...]
April 17th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
At least ape is done with fluff piecery.
April 17th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
I hope you punched Woodward and/or Bernstein in the nuts before you left.
April 17th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
On the upside, I have a funny feeling that Marmalard will now be having more frequent off season adventures.
April 17th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
I’m really disappointed that you didn’t punch Dana Milbank in the face.
April 17th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
[...] hard to add much to this story about KSK blogger Christmas Ape and his apparent firing at the hands of some humorless Washington Post human resources drones. [...]
April 17th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
That bites, Ape. Hope you were flinging at everyone on the way out.
April 17th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
WP jerks probably looking for excuses to cut any staff with their stock (WPO) dropping.
WP sucks so bad that their stock has been TANKING IN AN ELECTION YEAR.
http://finance.yahoo.com/q/bc?s=WPO&t=5y&l=on&z=m&q=l&c=
How is that even possible?
April 17th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
Here’s my letter to the ombudswoman:
Deborah,
I would like to express my disbelief about the recent termination of Michael Tunison from the Washington Post.
I fail to see why one should be fired for how one chooses to spend his or her free time. Tunison’s only crime, as far as I could tell, was to broadcast the fact that when he is not working, he likes to become inebriated. I realize this is uncommon among journalists (as most start drinking AT work), but it is still a decision made by Tunison that does not affect his work. Therefore, it should not affect his work status with The Washington Post.
Tunison’s termination is merely one more piece of evidence that traditional media outlets are completely out of touch with both America’s youth and the “blogosphere” culture. It would not be far-fetched to assume part of the reason Tunison was terminated is because of the newspaper industry’s disdain for independant bloggers. However, while Tunison’s “coming out” into the public would have almost certainly increased traffic at The Post’s website (I know I was eager to start reading Tunison’s work for The Post), I’m afraid now the only traffic increase The Post will see is the retaliatory backlash from readers such as myself.
Though I admittedly have never subscribed to The Post before, I can assure you I will not be starting now.
April 17th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
As a member of the media, and someone who blogs, I gotta say THAS SUM BUUHSHIT.
April 17th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
Pardon my Swahili, sir, but this is bullshit. If Ben Bradlee were alive and still in charge, he would’ve let Ape off the hook, albeit with a stern warning:
“You know the results of the latest sitemeter? Half the country never even heard of Kissing Suzy Kolber. Nobody gives a shit. You’re probably pretty tired, right? Well, you should be. Go on home, get a nice hot bath. Rest up… 15 minutes. Then get your ass back in gear. We’re under a lot of pressure, you know, and you put us there.
“Nothing’s riding on this except the, uh, first amendment to the Constitution, freedom of the press, and maybe the future of sports blogging as we know it. Not that any of that matters, but if you fuck up again, I’m going to get mad. Goodnight.”
April 17th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
Well, that sucks ass. Though you sound decently optimistic about the wanking vs health insurance conundrum.
And I never go to the doctor, except to deal with my chronic masturbation, so I’m with you!
April 17th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
my letter to the obudswoman:
I would like to start by declaring that I have been a fan of your paper since Duke University began offering it and others free for students during my sophomore year. I also hope that rumors of the demise of your medium have been greatly exaggerated. I however can’t ignore the recent firing of Michael Tunison. My best hope is that your institution has simply misunderstood the style which Michael chose to express his creativity and expand his writing in his own free time. ‘The Christmas Ape’ is merely a pseudonym under which Michael was allowed to create short works of fiction and create a new audience for himself, and by extension The Washington Post, while still covering a topic close to his heart, the National Football League. Seeing this situation spiral out of control, I must ask if your company considered firing Emil Steiner or Marie Arana when they branched out from their columns and published novels? I do not know if Michael still wants to work for The Washington Post, but I do know your staff is less talented today than when the week started.
April 17th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
I believe it’s time to write your memoirs.
April 17th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
Ape – if you can take a break from beating it long enough to do some freelance business writing, shoot me an email.
April 17th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
As a blogger, I think this is going too far. You should be able to write whatever you want in your blog/ public journal. I think you have had some rights violated. Due process is also lacking this situation.
Maybe he is just a Joe Namath fan. :-)
April 17th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
WTF Says:
April 17th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
Newspapers make all their money mostly from classifieds and advertising. With Craigslist kicking their ass as far as classifieds go, and the drop in advertising due to the economy, the paper business is getting its golden goose stolen from it.
Now back to more serious matters…..Bring on the flood of dick jokes!
April 17th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
With Ape gone, who will find me? It’s so cold and lonely out here, and there are wolves…
April 17th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
Check out Wash Post editor Len Downie’s account of what happened to Ape:
http://www.editorandpublisher.com/eandp/news/article_display.jsp?vnu_content_id=1003790987
April 17th, 2008 at 8:17 pm
Couldn’t be reached for comment eh? Are we crying and masterbating already?
“We gotta take these bastards. Now we could do it with conventional weapons that could take years and cost millions of lives. No, I think we have to go all out. I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody’s part.” – Otter
April 17th, 2008 at 8:29 pm
That reporter made absolutely no effort to contact me. It’s pathetic, really. My e-mail is posted on this site, which he linked to in his story. Or he could have gotten my number from The Post, which he made sure to contact.
April 17th, 2008 at 8:43 pm
“Downie might have been referring to an April 14 posting by Tunison in which he refers to newspapers as “a dying medium” and also includes both profanity and sexual organ references.”
I come for the football, I stay for the sexual organ references.
April 17th, 2008 at 10:18 pm
Your first mistake was working for a DC paper. Come to Philly. Even our “respectable” rag is a rag.
Shit, you could work for the Daily News. All you’d have to do is write a story about how people are getting shot every day here and they’d give you a corner office. They wouldn’t care about no blog.
April 17th, 2008 at 10:53 pm
What a load of horseshit. Len Downie can go eat a bag of dicks. A big shout out to everyone who runs and reads and writes the great stuff at this site. It helps to get a guy through the day without drinking a big glass of AIDS. If you geniuses ever need a bestselling literary novelist to help with a benefit, or maybe just act as a lookout during your next drug deal, I’m in.
April 17th, 2008 at 10:55 pm
Being the talk of the interweb?
Pretentious!
April 18th, 2008 at 12:57 am
You wouldn’t have ran into Dana Milbank in the elevator because you aren’t good enough to work in the Post’s downtown office.
April 18th, 2008 at 8:50 am
[...] Treehouse Fort. Matt Sussman and I speak to Michael Tunison from Kissing Suzy Kolber, now famously formerly of the Washington Post. We’ll talk about the events of the past week, his plans for the future, and favorite [...]
April 18th, 2008 at 10:07 pm
dumb ass. :P
April 20th, 2008 at 11:36 pm
[...] Suzy Kolber’s Christmas Ape gets fired from the Washington Post. The blogosphere is [...]
April 21st, 2008 at 2:18 pm
[...] Ivan Carter has the update from today’s shootaround: Gilbert Arenas wore tape to protect his sprained right wrist but didn’t appear to have any problems shooting the rock at the morning shootaround today and will be ready to go tonight in Game 2. [...]
May 4th, 2008 at 11:09 am
[...] the blog clashed with his Washington Post writing. There’s an update on the KSK blog called Ape Got Dooced. Dooced referring to when blogger Heather Armstrong was fired from her job in 2002 for writings in [...]
May 12th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
[...] Treehouse Fort. Matt Sussman and I speak to Michael Tunison from Kissing Suzy Kolber, now famously formerly of the Washington Post. We’ll talk about the events of the past week, his plans for the future, and favorite [...]
June 14th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
[...] for not informing the news organizations of their blogs. The first was accused of bringing “discredit to the newsroom” and the second for was fired for having a blog, period (although CNN said the controversial [...]