This Is The Year I Finally Get It Not Quite So Disastrously Wrong
Well, I think we’re just about finished preparing for this draft. I’m glad I flew in from Pennsylvania today to make sure our board and my notes were in order!
1. Limas Sweed, Texas
NOTES: Name kinda sounds like Speed, which means he has to be fast. Played with Mack Brown, who’s my kinda guy.
2. Malcolm Kelly, Oklahoma
NOTES: Played in lots of big games. I mean, REALLY big games!
3. James Hardy, Indiana
NOTES: Has real grit. If he’s the wide receiver equivalent of Vaughn Dunbar, I think we’re in for a real treat.
4. DeSean Jackson, California
NOTES: Very tall, and you can’t coach tall!
5. Devin Thomas, Michigan State
NOTES: Now THIS guy is a football player. Can see it in his eyes.
6. Earl Bennett, Vanderbilt
NOTES: That’s one of those smart guy schools, right? You have to be careful with guys like that, because they can overthink the game. Don’t want any overthinkers on this team.
7. Early Doucet, LSU
NOTES: Boy, doesn’t he just SOUND like a football player?
8. Andre Caldwell, Florida
NOTES: Dropped lots of passes in the 2007 AFC Championship game. But it’s so rare to find a college player who already has pro experience.
9. Jordy Nelson, Kansas State
NOTES: Marinelli likes him. What. EVER.
10. Mario Manningham, Michigan
NOTES: First name seems really chantable.
Yep, that’s a solid board.
I think this year’s draft could represent a real turning point for our franchise. Those fans sure have been rough on me and my family. But if they only knew how much I put into this job! How much I live and die with every decision, how I finally started working alternate Fridays instead of always taking them off.
If only they knew the sacrifices I made! Well, this is the year it’s finally gonna pay off, I tell you! This is the year I finally get it not quite so disastrously wrong. I like this board. We’re gonna get a GREAT player, a real impact player this go round. And we’re gonna win!
Say, you know what? I think Manningham needs to be just a bit higher on our board. He’s a Big Ten guy, and Big Ten guys know what this game’s all about!
(goes to adjust board)
(slips on piece of paper left on ground)
(lets go of steaming hot coffee cup, scalding a nearby receptionist)
(knocks lit Sterno can out of buffet setup, curtains in room light on fire)
(knocks head on table getting back up)
(grabs fire extinguisher)
(attempts to squeeze handle without pulling pin)
(punches IT guy in face by accident while pulling out pin)
(doesn’t expect kickback from extinguisher, falls out nearby window)
(lands on one side of a seesaw, sending 7-year-old-boy into orbit)
(rolls down very steep hill)
(gets permanent grass stain on new shirt)
(gets mouse trap caught on big toe)
(rolls through intersection, causing 37-car pileup)
(falls off cliff)
(lands on locomotive windshield, causing engineer to veer off tracks, train runs into nuclear missile silo)
(falls off hood of locomotive, lands on giant red FULL RELEASE button)
(triggers end of humanity)
OH MAN, NOT AGAIN!
(keeps job)
One of these days, we’re gonna turn this thing around.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, matty millen, the only solution is suicide or homicide, you poor Lions fans
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April 23rd, 2008 at 7:23 am
Excellent work.
Though someday I’d like to see a post explaining just how Millen keeps his job. Secret deal with Satan? Reward from the Make-A-Wish Foundation? Photos of the Lions’ owner living out his own Siegfried & Roy fantasy?
April 23rd, 2008 at 8:48 am
That looked like it was very fun to write.
April 23rd, 2008 at 8:56 am
First name seems really chantable.
That’s the real reason God Shammgod’s career has been such a disappointment.
April 23rd, 2008 at 9:01 am
Pretty lame post… I’ve come to expect more.
> causing engineer to veer off tracks
Uh, yeah… trains got a lotta steering wheels.
Don’t make fun of trains!!!!
April 23rd, 2008 at 9:01 am
So was Millen the inspiration for the clumsy French waiter in that episode of the Simpsons?
Say chow-dah!
April 23rd, 2008 at 9:04 am
@Otto Man: I think you got it right!
Satan – Oh, Hi Matt.
Matt – Oh, Hi Satan.
This made me chuckle:
9. Jordy Nelson, Kansas State
NOTES: Marinelli likes him. What. EVER.
Great Post.
April 23rd, 2008 at 9:25 am
@ Otto Man
I concur. There definitely has to be a blow job or some buttfucking involved in the Ford family and Matt’s got the pix to prove it! The ultimate job security :)
April 23rd, 2008 at 9:32 am
The fuck’s a Vaughn Dunbar?
/Trent Green
April 23rd, 2008 at 9:36 am
Yep, I’m thinking Millen has an old film of Henry Ford promoting the Protocols of the Elders of Zion and reading from his long-forgotten speech, “Nazi Supermen are Our Superiors.”
April 23rd, 2008 at 9:37 am
And if that came out, Chevy owners would have a field day.
Little stickers of Calvin pissing on a swastika, etc. etc.
April 23rd, 2008 at 9:38 am
As a Lions fan, this made me laugh, kinda.
Then it got extremely dusty in my office, and one lone tear rolled down my cheek.
April 23rd, 2008 at 9:43 am
Meanwhile, inside, Farmer Brown is unaware of a gas leak as he attempts to light his stove…
April 23rd, 2008 at 9:50 am
Then it got extremely dusty in my office, and one lone tear rolled down my cheek.
(tear lands on keyboard)
(computer short circuits, starting electrical fire)
(sprinkler system goes off; since Snowflake works at a turkey farm, all the turkeys look up in wonder at this “sudden rainstorm” and drown where they stand)
(nearby predators sense easy feast, crash through windows)
(stampede of workers toward only clear exit cause several fatalities = more feasting for the wolves)
(vultures circling overhead misinterpreted as incoming missiles by NORAD)
(Armageddon ensues)
April 23rd, 2008 at 9:56 am
Hey Otto, how’d you like that Jared Allen trade?
YOINK!
YEEEEEEEEEEEEHAW!!!!
April 23rd, 2008 at 10:05 am
Yep, sounds about right, but you left off the part about Millen living out his dream as Johnny in Curtains.
April 23rd, 2008 at 10:08 am
As a Lions fan, I’m already drinking.
Okay, that may not really on account of the Lions, just that it happens to be Wednesday, but I AM going to drink more heavily…
April 23rd, 2008 at 10:09 am
really BE on account. Shit.
/drinks more
April 23rd, 2008 at 10:09 am
Hey Otto, how’d you like that Jared Allen trade?
Brutal, just brutal. I’m hoping we get to retain rights to his mullet, but I’m not optimistic.
On the bright side, we got a good number of early-round draft picks in return. On the down side, Carl Peterson and Herm Edwards will be the ones deciding where to go with them.
Super Bowl LXXII, here we come!
April 23rd, 2008 at 10:16 am
@BBD – I’ve been studying for my GRE, and I can’t seem to get this one question figured out. Maybe you could help. Here it is:
Wide receivers: Detroit Lions
A.) Bowl: Goldfish
B.) Apocalypse: Global Warming
C.) Defensive ends: Minnesota Vikings
D.) Buzzkill: Fun
Any idea on the answer?
April 23rd, 2008 at 10:18 am
L. I’m Ass Weed
better now.
April 23rd, 2008 at 10:26 am
Really funny. I actually pity Lions fans. And I’m a Bengal fan.
April 23rd, 2008 at 10:56 am
Why is Matt Millen still around? Because with a bumbling moron the face of the front office, everyone overlooks the real problem with the Lions. The old bastard turned 83 last month and with our luck he’ll live to be at least 100. x-(
April 23rd, 2008 at 11:23 am
A fucking Vaughn Dunbar reference. Wow.
April 23rd, 2008 at 11:35 am
Chamomiles- were you hiding in my office? Cause that’s exactly how it went down.
April 23rd, 2008 at 11:35 am
Eh. It’s analysis as good as anything you get from Peter King.
April 23rd, 2008 at 11:42 am
Becky- at least our Tigers are doing well… Oh, wait.
April 23rd, 2008 at 12:14 pm
The Lions make the Saints look good. I feel for you, Lions fans.
April 23rd, 2008 at 12:29 pm
why millen still has his job with the Lions is up there with why weintraub still writes for deadspin
April 23rd, 2008 at 12:30 pm
That was the funniest thing that I’ve read on here in a long time.
April 23rd, 2008 at 12:39 pm
Jared Allen was so happy with the trade that he’s gonna pound 20 beers, and then re-enact scenes from “The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift” right in front of a police station. Go Vikings!!!
April 23rd, 2008 at 1:42 pm
Besides Manningham the rest are wide receivers, right?
April 23rd, 2008 at 3:02 pm
How can you mention a member of the Caldwell family without discussing those enormous eyes?
April 23rd, 2008 at 3:51 pm
I host a party every NFL Draft Day, appropriately named Super Bowl Saturday because we will never, ever see the real thing.
*sigh*
April 23rd, 2008 at 4:28 pm
The Detroit Lions have bad mojo. Consider this: Marvin Gaye was a life-long, diehard fan and two Lions (his friends Mel Farr and Lem Barney) even sang back up for him on “What’s Going On?”. Then you know what happened? His Dad killed him. Alex Karras played for them and went on to be the Dad in “Webster”. George Plimpton was a QB for them when he was writing “Paper Lion”. Now he’s dead. They made a movie version of it starring Alan Alda. Alan Alda is a douchebag. Cursed franchise.
April 23rd, 2008 at 7:12 pm
reminds me of when homer tried to jump the gorge fell all the way down, air lifted in the ambulance, ambulance hits a tree 2 feet away, he falls down cliff again
ahhh when the simpsons were good..
April 23rd, 2008 at 7:15 pm
[...] This Is The Year I Finally Get It Not Quite So Disastrously Wrong | Kissing Suzy Kolber Well, I think we
April 23rd, 2008 at 7:48 pm
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