The New Phone Books Are Here!
04.15.08
As you’ve probably noticed, the offseason fucking blows, and not in a good way, like your sister. We get occasional distractions from the other sports, but like an absentee father, nothing can replace the void left by football (unless you’re a girl, in which case stripping should do the trick). The sheer awfulness of this time of the year leads many football fans to ask when the next season truly begins. Today, I will answer that question. Let’s take a look at some upcoming events in order to isolate the unofficial start of the 2008 football season.
Week 1- Sure, if you want to be literal. But that shit’s way too far away.
Preseason- Gayer than a semen drenched rainbow.
Madden Day- Maybe if you’re a shut-in.
Training camp- That’s like, practice.
Mini-Camp- The only time the prefix “mini” is used in a context that doesn’t suck is when it’s accompanied by “skirt” or “vagina.”
The Draft- It’s great, but Berman, Kiper, and Mort are all prominently involved.
April 15th- To quote a certain fat arrogant bastard, fuck and yes. Today, ladies and gentlemen, is NFL Schedule Day. Finally the day has come when fans and radio hosts alike can start penciling in results for all of the regular season games. What, you think that’s a bit too nerdy? Well then how the fuck do you start on your ’09 mock drafts, asshole?
You probably only know today as Schedule Day, but apparently it’s also something called Tax Day. April 15th is also a day steeped in historical significance, but can any of these events hold a candle to Schedule Day? Let’s examine…
1802- Wordsworth is famously inspired to write Wandered Lonely as a Cloud. But iambic tetrameter doesn’t have shit on Thursday Night Football.
1865- Lincoln dies, and Ford Theater releases their schedule of boring plays for 1866.
1892- General Electric is formed, but it soon becomes the AFL to Sheinhardt Wig Company’s NFL.
1912- The Titanic sinks, but fortunately Walter Camp lost his tickets in a poker game to the kid from Growing Pains.
1945- Bergen-Belsen concentration camp is liberated, but the Brits couldn’t get there in time to save Anne Frank.
1947- Jackie Robinson debuts with the Brooklyn Dodgers because he wasn’t man enough to play in the NFL, which integrated two years prior (most of it at least, George Preston Marshall was a total dick)
1955- Ray Kroc opens his first McDonald’s franchise to a waiting Chad Johnson.
Yeah, but were any of those events broadcast LIVE on the NFL Network at 2 pm. I don’t fucking think so!
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You stole the Steve Martin joke from Keith Mills doing sports on 98 Rock earlier in the morning. I heard it on my drive into DC about 7:30 this morning. Weird that this is a DC based blog and you happen to be able to listen to that same radio station – which made the same movie reference about 4 hours earlier.
We get occasional distractions from the other sports, but like an absentee father, nothing can replace the void left by football (unless you’re a girl, in which case stripping should do the trick.)
So if your a guy, wouldn’t watching girls strip have that same effect?
@ J.L. White
Didn’t you soulless LA vermin have TWO teams that you wouldn’t support? Why take the Saints from a city that loves them (and a state that guarantees them massive profit)?
Now go die in an earthquake.
what? not a fan of mini-muffins?
can’t pop the top. those things suck.
Will Zorn have figured out what colors the skins wear by then?
Asshat.
woohoo, looking forward to this monday night showdown, steelers vs. skins, zorn vs. tomlin, ape vs. UM, impried lacism vs. actual racism…. WHO YA GOT?
lucite heels always fit
Oh, don’t let me forget to thank My Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for moving to a city that’s crammed with over 10 million people but 0 NFL teams. God already has shown that He hates New Orleans; why they got to keep the Saints is beyond me.
@Smurphette: I assume you meant that the Pats have a weak-ass schedule….except for when they have to play the Seahawks at Qwest Field in late November. Oh yeah, the ‘Hawks are 24-4 at home (including playoffs) over last three seasons. 90% of that is due to the Seahawks being a little better than everyone else gives them credit for, and 10% is due to the fact that the other NFC West teams are total horseshit.
And the Chiefs are finally coming to New York!
On my wedding anniversary!
Fuck me.
what? not a fan of mini-muffins?
Chris, that would be outstanding — assuming we’re going to actually field a team this year.
Otto – I want to see a game in Kansas City. I may make a road trip to see the Chef’s take on the Titans this yr.
Ben, you’re the 8th commenter here! You’ve won a free oven mitt!
The Jets sucked just hard enough last year so that their schedule this season would be easy. This way they’ll get 10 wins this season, make the playoffs, then have a slightly tougher schedule next season, and then proceed to suck again.
Wow, I thought the Colts had it bad, but Ape, I almost feel sympathy for you as a Steelers fan. Your schedule is basically murderer’s row. How the hell did you get stuck with that lineup while the Pats (futuremrs, cover your ears) have such a weak-ass schedule?
It’s also John Danks birthday…and he’s starting today. So far, so good. Other sports may suck, but at least they’re on when I’m at work.
Thank goodness. It’s like Christmas in April.
It’s also one of Hershel Walker’s birthdays today.
First I get my name in the phone book and now I’m on your ass. You know, I’ll bet more people see that than the phone book!
Reggie Nelson thinks that April 15 is Ok, but he’s seen better days.
Stripping will fill the void? Let me get on that. Thanks, KSK.
/checking to see if lucite heels still fit
Apr. 15 1987 – My roommate is born.
Apr. 15 2008 – His 21st birthday; a good reason to get shitfaced on Tuesday; look for us in the Washington Post tomorrow.
It’s also Hermione’s 18th birthday, hooray?
Excuse me, but you forgot one:
April 15, 1987: “Barbara Cook: A Concert…” opens at Ambassador New York City for 13 performances
You’re looking for a mini-vagina?
We must be built differently. I’m only four inches and yet a lot of women tell me that’s much too wide.
Your remark about preseason was hysterical…not that you didnt know that…however, much like your wife’s hot niece you can use it to get excited about the real thing that you are allowed yo enjoy.
As for schedule day..meh…i didnt even know it existed until I read this post. Makes me think they are trying to make every sport have a Selection Sunday…sorry ladies, that one’s reserved.