That Prime Rib I Ordered Was a Non-Binding Verbal Contract
[Morton's Steakhouse. Lance Briggs sits at a table, scrolling through his BlackBerry]
Briggs: Hmm… Lessee. Google “Lance Briggs.” Nice! Check out all these results! Lance Briggs Wikipedia page… Lance Briggs personal website… Lance Briggs re-signs with Bears… WHAT? “Lance Briggs, Certifiably Insane, Is Unhappy with the Contract He Signed Last Month“? Man, that is some BULLSHIT.
Waiter: Your iced tea, sir.
Briggs: Thank you.
[takes a sip]
Whoa whoa whoa, this tea is far too cold. We need to renegotiate some sort of de-icing deal.
Waiter: I’m sorry?
Briggs: Damn right you’re sorry. I wanted ICED tea, not frozen-ass tea.
Waiter: Oh, well I can pour some of that ice out. I’ll be right back.
Briggs: NO. You will give me an entirely new glass of iced tea with 50% less ice. No more, no less. Brian Urlacher assured me that I would get the glass of iced tea that I deserved. Did you not read that in the newspaper?
Waiter: I must have missed that, sir. I’ll be right back.
Briggs: Fucking IMPOSSIBLE to get decent service in this town.
[two minutes later]
Waiter: And here we — sir, did you switch tables?
Briggs: I gotta be able to see out the window. I can’t believe you’d insult me with a booth in the back. Who am I, Rosa Parks? And where’s my food? This engine burns a lot of fuel, knowwhamsayin’?
Waiter: Your entree will be out shortly.
[five minutes pass]
Briggs: [on phone] …you would NOT believe how cold it was. Like, what were they thinking? Who serves iced tea that cold? Oh hey, gotta go. Retard McFuckup’s coming back.
Waiter: The porterhouse, sir.
Briggs: STEAK?!? Who told you to bring me steak?
Waiter: You did, sir.
Briggs: Oh. Well yeah, but that was BEFORE I saw what the special looked like. Why didn’t you tell me the special looked that fucking delicious? I just got off the phone with my lawyer. This injustice will not be taken lightly.
Waiter: Sigh… which special do you want, sir?
Briggs: I want what that man’s having.
Waiter: The chicken. Very well. I’ll have it brought out.
Briggs: No, no. I want HIS chicken.
[twenty minutes later]
Waiter: Your dessert will be right out, sir. How was the Chicken purloin f’you?
Briggs: Not nearly as good as the chicken the 49ers would have gotten me.
Waiter: Very good, sir. And here comes your dessert.
Briggs: Man, what is this shit? I ordered crème brûlée!
Waiter: Sir, this is crème brûlée [points at menu] See, “liqueur infused custard, topped with caramelized sugar.”
Briggs: Well, what’s the one that comes in different flavors with jokes on the inside of the wrapper?
Waiter: Laffy Taffy?
Briggs: Motherfucker, you should have known that’s what I meant.
Tags: captain caveman, Diary of a Mad Black Linebacker, ksk group posts
April 23rd, 2008 at 1:11 pm
Insane? Why, when I go to restaurants I never eat anything that hasn’t been taken from another person’s plate
April 23rd, 2008 at 1:20 pm
If he turned down the Prime Rib at Morton’s he is insane
April 23rd, 2008 at 1:21 pm
Not enough Sex Cannon for my liking but still brilliant Ufford.
April 23rd, 2008 at 1:26 pm
Captain,
Excellent work as always, but how is it you haven’t addressed the Seahawks reading your dream diary and releasing Shaun Alexander (albeit without the violent Disneyworld car wreck)?
Somebody owes Jesus a blowjob!
April 23rd, 2008 at 1:39 pm
Why’s he gotta be black fo’?
April 23rd, 2008 at 1:46 pm
According to the laws of New Zealand, “a prime rib is not a contract…but it’s very nice. It’s very, very nice.”
April 23rd, 2008 at 2:10 pm
A patron that was this high maintenance would get extra special, dna-laced “creme” in his creme bulee in some of the restaurants I worked in.
/didn’t do it myself, but know someone that did
April 23rd, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Hilarious site. Loved it.
April 23rd, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Oh man, that was funny.
I’d like to think after this scene, Briggs is presented with a case of the Laf-Taf (as I have been known to call it) and proceeds to ask for a crate with better jokes on the wrappers.
April 23rd, 2008 at 2:26 pm
Yeh, well good luck gettin a tip from the canadian at table 12.
/what? what? you were all thinking it.
April 23rd, 2008 at 3:16 pm
[...] Lance Briggs is one feisty bastard. (Kissing Suzy Kolber) [...]
April 24th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Somebody owes Jesus a blowjob!
If I had a nickel for every time I heard that…
…I’d have one nickel. That would be sweet.