The Iggles announced their 2008 cheerleading squad which includes the Bell sisters: Paige, Nikki and Danni-Lynn. Holy cats, are they hot. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to get anything done the rest of the afternoon with the image of these honeys distracting me.
I need something to cleanse my mental palate. Maybe a triumvirate of less comely sisters, like the Brontës:
Gah! Fuggit, it’s Friday afternoon– might as well ogle away. Get the cheerleaders back in here…
The first in an occasional series on how not to be “That Guy”.
There is a tacit yet rigid code that underlies the behavior of NFL fans. Some of these rules, like never switching team allegiances, are sacrosanct, others are open for debate. While we at the Gay Mafia aren’t always in the right on all of them, we’ll be glad to shrilly debate any that require clarification.
The first query comes from Jason Woodmansee, who you may remember from such blogs as The Coach is Killing Me! and Stop Shuler. He said he’s been sitting on this one for a few months and needed a ruling.
The basic question is: when is it OK to wear your replica team jersey? I’m not looking for a real world appropriateness, like if you should wear your Hines Ward jersey to The Palm, but football situations. On Super Bowl Sunday, I went to the grocery store here in San Diego to pick up some extra beer (Anchor Steam, in fact), and saw a guy wearing a Tomlinson jersey. Then another. And a guy in a Rivers jersey (the door did not fly open). And a guy in a Merriman jersey (not actually Merriman — although I did find out when his car got torched that he lives in my neighborhood). I wanted to go up to these guys and politely inform them that, if they weren’t already aware, the Chargers had actually lost to the Patriots — they wouldn’t be playing today.
So I go home, tell my wife there there are moron Chargers fans wearing jerseys on a day that their team isn’t playing, when our guests for the game arrive. I open the door, and there is our friend, the rabid (is there any other kind? I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who has said, “you know, I kinda like the Steelers, but it isn’t a big deal”) Steelers fan, in his Roethlisberger jersey. I burst out laughing, just because I was making fun of confused Chargers fans, and actually did say, “Um, you do know that they lost to the Jags a couple of weeks ago, right?” He basically took the Puddy defense: “You gotta support the team.”
So, is wearing your team’s jersey to watch a game where they are not playing lame, or is it showing your true fanhood? Is it OK for the Super Bowl because it is the last game of the football season, and your last chance to do it for a while?
KSK is not of one mind on this matter. flubby considers any ownership of replica jerseys kind of ridiculous on its face. I own two of them – the home Hines Ward replica that I use to take pictures with giant parrots and get fired from my job and a gray Roethlisberger jersey that the team never wears but I don when they play on the road.
A few weeks ago, there was the well-circulated story about the fast food joint-employed Seahawks fan who spit in the Steelers fan’s burger two years after the cooked-up controversy (I’ll never bend!) that was Super Bowl XL. One underreported aspect of the story was that the Steelers fan came into the place wearing Steelers apparel. In March. In Seattle.
Here is where further description is needed. What constitutes apparel? Was this a hat? A jersey? One giant Terrible Towel wrapped around his midsection? It’s an important distinction. Because wearing a jersey on almost any occasion that doesn’t include a day that your favorite team is playing is a nisht-nisht. Sure, the draft would be okay. I know there are those late fucking summer days when the meaninglessness of the pre-season makes me want to dip in the well of possible atrocities and I want to put on a jersey to remind myself that the season is coming, sometime.
But sporting the jersey during playoff games when your team has already been eliminated is among the worst infractions. It’s like clinging to a dead ideology. It’s akin to keeping Kerry bumper stickers on your car or wearing Nazi paraphernalia (Unless you’re Punter, then it’s cool). Yeah, we know you’re a racist, but the Third Reich is done, buddy.
Readers with other fan decorum related queries can e-mail them our way via the e-mail on the sidebar.
Unless you’ve spent the last several weeks inside of Rosie O’Donnell’s vagina, you realize that The Big Draft is tomorrow, which means that the last random selection post for us goes up today. And since we’ll have all day tomorrow to spout fanfare, we’ll just present our weekly offering and let you warm up for next week.
Each of the KSKers will be drafting a canceled TV show that will be brought back to the air. The obvious assumption is that all of the characters will be coming back to the show, though one will be allowed to make minor tweaks to the show (additional characters, change of setting, etc) if one feels it will make the show more interesting or more profitable.
The order:
Drew
Punte
Maj
Flub
Ape
Uff
UFF: New cast?
PUNTE: Minor tweaks. You can add or swap out a castmember, or two at the absolute most.
MAJ: Oh, and one rule i’d propose. you can’t bring back a show that ended on it’s own terms like Seinfeld or Cheers.
PUNTE: I like that. So it is written.
DREW: Well shit, that ruins my board. Most shows get canceled because they, you know, aren’t good anymore.
PUNTE: Let’s just ban Seinfeld and Cheers then. M*A*S*H* is still in play.
DREW: Can it be a show that ended due to the loss of a leading actor who I can then bring back from the dead?
MAJ: Of course you can bring back Sopranos, they’re making an f’n movie. Tony Soprano didn’t die. I was thinking that we were picking shows that were canceled to our chagrin, not shows that stayed on the air for years and years with huge ratings and had a scheduled ending.
PUNTE: Drew, I’ll allow that. Maj, you can pick under any rationale you choose.
DREW: The Sopranos thing was unrelated to my other request. Anyway, I’ll adhere to the spirit of the draft.
1. DREW: Arrested Development
I never watched it as often as I should have, but I always liked it.
1. The Sopranos
Fuck you, David Chase. You’re fired. And I’m bringing Nick Pileggi and Martin Scorsese to run the rest of the show, to show you how to fucking end a mob saga.
2. PUNTE: Three’s Company
Except in my version, Jack Ritter will be played my Mekhi Pfifer.
MAJ: You took out the awful actor who provided physical comedic relief with an awful actor who wears fake dreads. Why?
PUNTE: Because that’s a show I’d want to see. Plus he’d be fuckin’ bitches!
I should point out that the show would still be set in the early 1980s. The casual racism would just be icing on the watermelon.
MAJ: Okay, I’d watch that shit, too.
3. MAJ: Arrested Development
AD was the best sitcom to hit network television in years and I personally blame everybody who didn’t watch it for ruining exactly one hour out of my week (I say one hour because I watch it twice). I would change absolutely nothing about the show because it was perfect.
PUNTE: It was.
DREW: Oh shit. I juyst realized what I really should have taken #1.
4. FLUB: Freaks & Geeks
because I want a) to find out what happened to Lindsay after she ran off with those goddam dirty hippies; and b) more of Busy Philipp’s sweet, sweet rack.
APE: Goddammit.
FLUB: I wouldn’t have taken that if I had picked first.
5. APE: 5. The Critic.
A perfectly enjoyable early Simpsons rip-off. I’d can the dumb Southern girlfriend they brought in for the years when it switched from ABC to FOX. Just takes away from his father dressing up as El Kabong.
PUNTE: That pick stinks.
MAJ: Reading “el kabong” made me LOL; I want to know what’s going on in Easter Island Kid’s head.
UFF (two picks)
6. Mystery Science Theater 3000.
I’ll never understand why this was canceled. Fucking brilliant show, and I use it to justify my own talking over shitty movies. I’d keep the original guy (Joel) and shorten/eliminate the skits that tried to give the show a semblance of plot.
PUNTE: Great show, Matt. Didn’t mind the skits too much when they were short, like early on.
DREW: Joel, the pride of Hopkins, Minnesota! Loved that show.
UFF: I have no idea what I’m going to pick next. I don’t really long for any canceled shows. Gimme a few. I barely watched TV from 2000-2007, and from ‘96 to ‘00 I really only watched the Simpsons. I have to dig for something that I actually care about.
FLUB: Punte longs for escapist fare featuring a more urban life that the one he leads in South Carolina — so he picks “Petticoat Junction.”
PUNTE: I apologize for being a penis.
7. The State.
This show leaving MTV marked the last time MTV made a worthwhile show. Yes, I’m including The Ben Stiller Show. That fucking blew.
FLUB: “We could have stopped at $100 worth of pudding… And that would have been a lot of pudding… But we had to go all the way… $250 worth of pudding… Aw, yeah!” Great pick.
APE: Nice pick. I was considering that one. In a similar skit show vein…
8. Mr. Show.
On one hand, its continued existence keeps David Cross off Arrested Development. On the other, it keeps Jack Black relegated to a minor character that is actually funny in small doses.
PUNTE: I know you guys are gonna give me shit for this, but I really can’t stand David Cross.
DREW: I find Cross annoying sometimes as well. And yes, it’s because he gets preachy with the ol politics.
APE: I don’t really enjoy his stand-up. He’s a hilarious comedy actor though.
MAJ: Yeah, i love him in sketches and sitcoms. Oh, and I wanna dip my balls in it.
FLUB: “Man, who invited Louie… JUDAS???”
9. MAJ: The Larry Sanders Show.
This just in, I really like Jeffery Tambor.
PUNTE: Cross and Tambor are both well-represented in this draft.
DREW: Truly great show.
MAJ: A classic.
10. FLUB: It’s Your Move.
THE DREGS!!!
Arrested Development wasn’t the first Jason Bateman series to be axed before its time. On Move, Bateman was constantly battling wits with the guy who banging his mom (capably played by the actor who was Marcy’s first husband on Married With Children). After the show was canceled, the Grateful Dead shamelessly lifted the premise of the show’s Dregs of Humanity episode for their “Touch of Grey” video.
11. PUNTE: Who’s The Boss?
Except that in my revival, Mona would stop at nothing to bang the Tony Danza character, who would be played by Mehki Pfifer.
MAJ: Who’s the gay kid going to fuck?
DREW: (dos pickos)
12. Chappelle’s Show
Should have taken it #1.
UFF: Wow, I can’t believe we forgot about Chappelle.
FLUB: Didn’t Chappelle end his show on his own terms too?
MAJ: It didn’t really run its course, he just gave up on it.
DREW: I guess he did, but I don’t care.
13. Project Greenlight
Staying true to the intent of the draft. I want to take Fawlty Towers, but that ended on its own terms. I will never, EVER get tired of pretentious asshole contest winners realizing that no one gives a fuck about their stupid “vision.”
PUNTE: I actually enjoyed that show.
UFF: Fawlty Towers is on my board.
DREW: I didn’t mean to fuck that up for you.
UFF: It’s cool, I was just agreeing that it definitely needed more episodes.
DREW: The one I really should have taken #1 is Father Ted, which ended because the main guy died. Fucking awesome show.
UFF: I watched an episode of that with you. Pretty good stuff.
14. Quintuplets (the failed Andy Richter vehicle).
Except all of the quintuplets will be played by…Kate Bosworth.
What?
15. FLUB: Greg the Bunny.
The premise might not have enough legs to last much more than half a season anyway, but, dammit, it made me laugh.
16. MAJ: Sports Night.
Without the fucking laugh track. Oh, and Jeremy would score a threesome with Natalie and the porn star.
17. APE: SeaLab 2021.
It was a delightfully crass redubbing of an old cartoon, like space ghost, with the absurdist humor of ATHF. Also, the Bizarro episode is a classic.
18. UFF: The Tick (animated)
I didn’t really watch it all that much, and Venture Bros. is a perfectly acceptable substitute, but whatever, I had to pick something.
It’s like looking into the not-so-distant future!!!
You might have noticed that nifty hyperlinked badge over on the sidebar. For those who haven’t figured it out yet, we will be hosting what is sure to be the single greatest live blog ever. I’ll be at the controls from 3 pm until my fingers fall off or I run out of mood enhancers. You can expect additional appearances from Punte and Christmas Ape, assuming he has time in between Deadspinning and cat shaving (Jean Grey got in the taffy again!) With a little bit of luck we’ll even be joined by the elusive Captain Caveman, on location at the ACTUAL NFL Draft.
But forget all of that, what makes this live blog special is YOU!*
That’s right, on Saturday we’ll be engaging in our most bold bit of experimentation since that time at summer camp that we swore we’d never talk about. We’re using the most excellent Cover It Live (example) to…cover it. LIVE! If you’re unfamiliar with this technology it means we’re going to get a bit more interactive. While our witticisms are updating LIVE you will be able to contribute all of your own thoughts and jokes. The ones that don’t totally suck will appear LIVE in the live blog window. There are all sorts of other fun features that we may or may not get into (sample LIVE poll: What variety of animal flesh is currently lodged in Berman’s teeth?).
So please join us this Saturday, but remember, you must be this drunk to ride the ride. And if you are that drunk, you should probably sign up for an email reminder and a 3 pm wakeup call for Saturday afternoon.
Sorry if I seem excited, but I’m about to go see the Wiz/Cavs LIVE (ape note: for those not superwealthy like the Maj, follow along with my live blog at SbB)! I just hope I don’t get kicked out before Brendan (he earned that n!) Haywood.
*Does not apply to Jet fans.
NOTE TO COMMENTERS: You can add avatars by going here.
Poster KB24 over at Redskins Warpath has all sorts of great pictures of the pre-party and a friend of Mister Irrelevant came through with some pictures of the actual event. Want to see how your favorite players have aged? Here’s a hint…
In other news that you’ve probably heard by now, Captain Chaos has taken his newfound blog skills over to Shutdown Corner at Yahoo(!) Sports Blogs. Cooley joins Rod Benson in Yahoo!’s stable of fucking hilarious athlete-bloggers.
Hoo hoo hoo, look at you, honey! You are lookin’ fucking NICE! Jesus, look at those tits. Those are some serious fucking bowling balls. I should just call you Womangini! Those water balloons look like they’re about to fuckin’ burst, sweetie pie! My old lady don’t look like dat! That old crone’s got tits that can play pattycake with her fuckin’ knees! It’s like handling week-old pizza dough!
Gah head, honey. Come on in to the ampitheater.
(blocks entrance)
Just kidding, honey. There’s no way me and my boys are lettin’ you into this draft without seein’ those gascans.
(fans cheer)
Gah head, honey. Show poppa those luscious cupcakes.
(grabs boobs)
Whaddaya mean, no? What are you, some kinda fuckin’ dyke? Everyone’s havin’ a good time here! We started drinking at 5 in the morning just for this! Cut my boys some slack. Give ‘em a little taste of those funbags. Come on! Loosen up! Everyone’s havin’ fun! Why you gotta go ruin that? C’mon, cutie. Hey boys, let’s give her some encouragement, eh?
Huh? Is that fucking great or whaaaat? Come on honey, how’s bout taking a peek at those volcanoes, eh? You know, my brother’s a cop. If you don’t show us those vavooms, I can have him arrest you. For what? For being a fucking buzzkill, that’s what.
Hey, where you goin’? Oh, so you’re like one of these feminist types? Fine. Fuck off. You’re a fucking whore, you know that, honey? No, no, no, see, because me and my friends were nice to you. We welcomed you in here. We even offered to shower you with Michelob. We were gonna invite you to come throw bottle caps at Darren McFadden. But you had to go and be a fucking BITCH! Boo! BOOOOOOO!!!! Boo her, boys!
Yeah, that’s it. Walk away! Walk away, fatty! Yeah, that’s right! You’re fucking fat! How you like that, now? All you had to do was show us those donut holes. But you didn’t, so bye bye, chubby. And don’t ever let me see you around Jersey way again. Because JERSEY DOESN’T PUT UP WITH STUCK-UP WHORES, YOU STUCK-UP WHORE.
(throws hot dog)
Hey, look at the tits on that girl over there! Yo Brett, go spit vodka on her chest.
ESPN is reporting that the Pac Man Jones to Cowboys trade is finally a done deal. The Titans get a fourth round pick and a conditional pick next year. Sounds like the Cowboys got Pac for a song. Not a good song either. I’m talking some of that Sufjan Stevens shit.
And thus ensued a great e-mail thread slap fight between Drew and the Maj for reasons homersexual in nature.
Maj:But they did more than just that. The Vikings also signed Allen to one of the largest contracts in NFL history, a six-year, $74 million deal with $31 million in guarantees.
/laughs uncontrollably
Drew: I have no problem whatsoever with that contract. He’s arguably the best defensive end in the league.
Maj: Your boys are giving 31 mil guaranteed to a white guy who doesn’t play quarterback. You be fucked.
Drew: Did you expect a DPOY candidate to cost $2.50? Giving $20 million combined to B-Lloyd and Randle El is being fucked. Giving $31 million to a proven All-Pro still in his prime is, uh, not dumb.
Maj: Did they already come out with the ‘08 DPOY candidate list?
Drew: They had the most cap room of any team in the league. I thought the Williams signing was idiotic. I think this signing is good.
They front load the cap hit on all their contracts, so that they don’t have cap issues further down the line. They’re the opposite of the Redskins.
Allen was a DPOY candidate in 2007, retard.
Maj: There is no such thing as a DPOY candidate! It’s not like they nominate four guys and pick one.
What does any of that have to do with the Redskins? I think it’s been established that they’re run by fucktards.
Drew: Yes, but it’s fun to point it out constantly.
————————————–
Whoa whoa whoa, prickly Penelopes. See how even the slightest whiff of NFL news turns us from latent to flaming?
Could such sublimated animosity spill over into our mock draft? Maybe just verbosity.
Whoa whoa whoa, this tea is far too cold. We need to renegotiate some sort of de-icing deal.
Waiter: I’m sorry?
Briggs: Damn right you’re sorry. I wanted ICED tea, not frozen-ass tea.
Waiter: Oh, well I can pour some of that ice out. I’ll be right back.
Briggs: NO. You will give me an entirely new glass of iced tea with 50% less ice. No more, no less. Brian Urlacher assured me that I would get the glass of iced tea that I deserved. Did you not read that in the newspaper?
Waiter: I must have missed that, sir. I’ll be right back.
Briggs: Fucking IMPOSSIBLE to get decent service in this town.
[two minutes later]
Waiter: And here we — sir, did you switch tables?
Briggs: I gotta be able to see out the window. I can’t believe you’d insult me with a booth in the back. Who am I, Rosa Parks? And where’s my food? This engine burns a lot of fuel, knowwhamsayin’?
Waiter: Your entree will be out shortly.
[five minutes pass]
Briggs: [on phone] …you would NOT believe how cold it was. Like, what were they thinking? Who serves iced tea that cold? Oh hey, gotta go. Retard McFuckup’s coming back.
Waiter: The porterhouse, sir.
Briggs: STEAK?!? Who told you to bring me steak?
Waiter: You did, sir.
Briggs: Oh. Well yeah, but that was BEFORE I saw what the special looked like. Why didn’t you tell me the special looked that fucking delicious? I just got off the phone with my lawyer. This injustice will not be taken lightly.
Waiter: Sigh… which special do you want, sir?
Briggs: I want what that man’s having.
Waiter: The chicken. Very well. I’ll have it brought out.
Briggs: No, no. I want HIS chicken.
[twenty minutes later]
Waiter: Your dessert will be right out, sir. How was the Chicken purloin f’you?
Briggs: Not nearly as good as the chicken the 49ers would have gotten me.
Waiter: Very good, sir. And here comes your dessert.
CINCINNATI — A day after declining the Washington Redskins’ offer of potentially two first-round picks for wide receiver Chad Johnson, the Cincinnati Bengals shipped the restive wideout to omnipresent comedian Tyler Perry.
“Chad will fit in well with our stereotype-laden productions filled with embarrassingly silly, shiftless blacks,” Perry said from the set of his latest movie, “Tyler Perry’s Madea Goes to The Church Social,” which will be released exactly a week after his current project “Tyler Perry’s Meet The Browns” leaves theatres.
“I got a vision for Chad. This next movie has a need for a goofy black mail carrier who occasionally hits the pipe. Knowing him, it won’t be hard to work in a exuberant dance number everytime he cracks a joke.”
“I think I’d be interested in seeing that,” said every black person you know.
In exchange for the Pro Bowler, the Bengals receive 10 percent of the box office receipts of any film that Johnson appears in, as well as a fat suit and a granny wig.
“We really found a situation that was best for all involved,” said Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis. “Chad got to leave the Bengals and we got a steady source of income to compensate for the team losing more of its increasingly frustrated fans.”
Reached for comment, Johnson made a motion of a circle with his finger then blew a burst of air through it. He laughed maniacally for five seconds, turned quickly and walked off.
