Ocho Cinco Hits The Drive Thru
(car pulls up)
Order Box: Welcome to Burger King. May I take your order?
(long pause)
Order Box: Hello?
Ocho: I’m here.
Order Box: Can I take your order, Sir?
Ocho: I don’t know.
Order Box: You don’t know?
Ocho: Exactly. I DON’T KNOW.
Order Box: Okay.
(long pause)
Order Box: Would you like a hamburger or something?
Ocho: (sighs) I’ll take a Whopper and large fries. And an orange slice.
Order Box: Is Fanta okay?
(long pause)
Order Box: Sir?
Ocho: Who said Fanta? See now, this is exactly the kinda shit I’m talkin’ about.
Order Box: Sir?
Ocho: ORANGE SLICE.
Order Box: But we only have Fanta, Sir.
Ocho: Exactly. That’s all you have. That’s all you can do for Chad. And Chad has to decide if that’s good enough for Chad.
Order Box: But it’s the same soda. It’s still orange.
Ocho: That’s not the issue. If this is the way we’re going to continue, then that’s the way we’re going to continue.
Order Box: What?
Ocho: WHAT?
Order Box: How about I just scratch your drink order? That way, you can find an Orange Slice across the street at Arby’s. Is that okay?
Ocho: Arby’s? Who said anything about Arby’s?
Order Box: Sir?
Ocho: I didn’t say anything about Arby’s.
Order Box: I know you didn’t.
Ocho: Why are we talking about Arby’s? This is fucking Burger King.
Order Box: May I complete your order, Sir?
Ocho: (sighs) Whatever.
Order Box: Your total is $6.79. If you could just pull around, Sir.
Ocho: THAT’S IT?
Order Box: I… believe so. Was there something else you wanted? Would you like a Jr. Sundae?
(long pause)
Order Box: Sir?
Ocho: You know what’s good? Spiral pasta. I would like some spiral pasta.
Order Box: But, we don’t have that on our menu, Sir.
Ocho: Why not? Why are you so set in your ways? Do you really believe that things will improve the way you’re going?
Order Box: Uh… Your order is ready at the window, Sir. If you could just pull around.
Ocho: THAT’S IT?
Order Box: I think so. Was there something else you wanted to discuss?
(long pause)
Order Box: Sir?
Ocho: I don’t know. Did you know there are some rocks that are, like, 500 years old?
Order Box: My manager said your order’s getting cold, Sir.
Ocho: He said that?
Order Box: Yes.
Ocho: Cold? Why he say that?
Order Box: Because he saw it and it’s cold, Sir.
Ocho: So? Listen, I got someone else who needs to order.
Order Box: Okay… May I take that person’s order?
Gary Busey: Why are you taking orders? This is not Poland. We don’t take orders here. You have a nice voice. I’ve been looking at you. I’ve known you since you were a baby, only we’ve never met. Let me touch your ears. Did you know there’s aggression in all of our hearts? I want the raw liver of a horse. And some chicken fries. And I want you to serve it on a tray that’s balancing on your head. THERE IS NO REALITY!
Order Box: I quit.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, busey, eating out, ocho cinco done lost his mind
April 3rd, 2008 at 11:22 am
Sadly, that’s pretty much how that interview went. Chad isn’t smart enough to take orders from Rosenhaus and speak to the media at the same time.
April 3rd, 2008 at 11:32 am
Chad was just upset that the Order Box’s grill had more metal on it than his own.
April 3rd, 2008 at 11:33 am
“I painted George Hamilton white. I took 200 pounds off Dom DeLuise by painting him with vertical stripes.”
April 3rd, 2008 at 11:42 am
Meanwhile, Marvin Lewis was at Arby’s trying to order thirteen pickles smeared in Arby Sauce, a cup of forks, and an upside down milkshake. The guy taking his order was then arrested for punching a college kid in the face and busting out the window of a car with a beer bottle. Why does Marvin Lewis always pick the bad boys?
April 3rd, 2008 at 11:48 am
Of course, Chad Johnson is a McDonald’s man, not BK. Get yiour facts straight!
April 3rd, 2008 at 11:52 am
THAT’S IT?!
Can we open the polls back up, I want to vote Lion now.
April 3rd, 2008 at 12:23 pm
Can’t a wideout smoke a little chronic in the offseason and do some interviews without everybody crawling up his gold-plated asshole?
Leave Ocho alooone!
April 3rd, 2008 at 12:25 pm
Needs more eating out.
April 3rd, 2008 at 12:45 pm
Needs more eating out.
I saw what you did there.
Do you have a newsletter to which I could subscribe?
April 3rd, 2008 at 12:59 pm
I’m with Claude
April 3rd, 2008 at 1:06 pm
He just did a hour with Max Kellerman and Brian Kenney on ESPN Radio in new york. He was much more coherent, which granted isnt saying much.
April 3rd, 2008 at 1:11 pm
and then chris henry punched the King in the face
April 3rd, 2008 at 1:17 pm
I might be late on this, but I just watched Cold Pizza do a Who you got? with the final four mascots. Apparently a ram would beat a jayhawk and a tiger. ESPN’s stealing shit from KSK now? We’re not too far from a door flying open and Woody Paige shouting “You betta ask somebody!”
April 3rd, 2008 at 1:39 pm
Incidentally, this series of words — busey, eating out, ocho cinco — is going to haunt my nightmares ’til the end of time.
April 3rd, 2008 at 2:14 pm
Busey was the icing on the cake.
I don’t know about anyone else, but I’d love to see a ’90’s interracial buddy cop movie starring Busey and Ocho.
It would blow my mind.
April 3rd, 2008 at 3:03 pm
I enjoyed Akili Smith’s portrayal of Order Box.
April 3rd, 2008 at 3:47 pm
suss +1
I did not know he had been promoted to the drive-thru
April 3rd, 2008 at 4:45 pm
Akili: Hey, I started out mopping the floor just like you guys. But now… now I’m washing lettuce. Soon I’ll be on fries; then the grill. And pretty soon, I’ll make assistant manager, and that’s when the big bucks start rolling in.
Cade McNown isn’t as enthused.
April 3rd, 2008 at 5:15 pm
@man bear pig: It would totally be bizarro world The Last Boy Scout, although I think Busey would fall off the rafters while trying to do a jig.
@quiet strength: And when Akili gets on, he’ll leave yo ass for a white girl.
April 3rd, 2008 at 11:52 pm
When you think of garbage, think of Akili!