Man Oh Man, Do I Love To F—k Horses
I have to apologize to you, the people of the Internet, about my tirade on last evening’s episode of CostasNow. It was completely out of character with who I am as a journalist and as a human being.
I respect writers trying to make a name for themselves online. I really do. I just think a lot of that gets lost in all the crassness and hatred that gets spewed out there. And my concern is that, as this sort of filth becomes more and more prevalent, it will soon be accepted as the norm, and overshadow some of the great work that hard-working journalists, such as me, do.
I don’t want that to happen. I put 40 years of hard work into writing books and articles. I don’t think it’s fair that I be branded part of a “dying medium” when a lot of the writing I see online is just random name-calling and thoughtless invective. Does it make me a relic to fight for what I believe in? Perhaps. But I say, to hell with it. Maybe I’m a relic, but I have principles, dammit. And I’ll fight for relics like myself to the very end.
Still, my actions at last night’s roundtable were out of line. I stooped to the lowest common denominator to defend my craft, which I should not have done. I couldn’t help it. I was angry. I was frustrated. I was trying to make a point.
But, more critically, I hadn’t fucked a horse in over a week.
There’s a stable near my home out in the stick named May’s Riding Stable. As you walk towards the stable, you can see the horse patties littering the road. Some of them are fresh. But many of them have dried out. Deprived of all their moisture, with much of the fecal matter stripped away by the rain, you can see their remains disintegrating, turning back into the chewed up hay it once was. And this chewed up hay soon rejoins the earth, becoming part of the soil and growing new hay for the horses to eat once more. It’s a beautiful cycle of transformation and rebirth. It is an everlasting symbol of renewal.
And it makes me wanna fuck a horse so badly.
Man oh man, do I love to fuck horses. With their long legs and firm, rippling bodies. I could fuck a horse for hours and hours on end. Sometimes, when no one is at the stable, I sneak in the early, early morning. I slip through the electric fence and walk at a brisk trot (yes, I trot!) to the main part of the stable. As I walk, I kick up a lot of the dust surrounding the barn. I find this horsey dust, this shit mist, absolutely intoxicating. It’s so earthy, and profound. God, just thinking about it now makes me want to jam my dongbone right in an Arabian.
Once in the main part of the stable, I find my favorite horse of the pack. Her name is Daisy Blue. She isn’t the biggest horse in the joint, but she’s got a lot of fight! She’s got a sort of milky gray coat, almost like a cup of Earl Grey tea. And when she flares her nostrils, I am at a loss for words. I stare into her eyes, which must be the size of tennis balls. And in her eyes, I see only the purity of existence. There is no fear or anger. Daisy Blue is simply BEING.
That’s when I know she’s ready for the Buzzcock.
Quietly, I grab a bit and bridle and slip it on her. That’s the thing about horses. They don’t mind letting me be in control. I get the extra long reins so I can handle her from behind. Then, I stroke her mane gently, to let her know that I want to know the secret to her uncommon grace. Then I horse-whisper in her ear:
“You ready for a little hot Derby action?”
Quickly, I grab a three-step footstool from the corner and place it behind her. You aren’t supposed to walk behind horses. It’s dangerous, which is why I find it so engorging.
Then, I grab my riding crop, pull my pants down and prepare to MOUNT MY STEED. At first, she bucks a little. But after stroking her majestic horseadonk a few times, she settles back down. Eeeasy, girl! Then, it’s equimounting time. I rip open my flannel shirt and begin to thrust in and out of Daisy Blue, my cries of pleasure rattling the stable walls down to the ground.
Sometimes she poops, but I love a mudder.
After just a few minutes, I’m ready to deliver my “sugarcube” to her waiting maw. And she gobbles it right up. Soon, my seed will come out of her and rejoin the ground, nourishing the plants and wildlife below. It is an ever-going circle that cannot be unbroken, and it is beautiful.
Once finished, I feed her some oats, because she’s such a good girl.
So you see why I was so ill-tempered last night. When I go over a week without that kind of powerful horse-fucking experience, I tend to go a little bonkers. But I still stand by the sentiment of my comments. There needs to be a place in the world for REAL journalism, practiced by men who have been there, in the belly of the beast, doing the hard work, and plowing the occasional mare on the side.
That is all.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, buzz horse porn, motion sickness bags available at the far end of the ha, we're comedy writers not journalists
April 30th, 2008 at 10:36 am
Don’t worry Buzz, the WNBA season is just around the corner
April 30th, 2008 at 10:40 am
(yes, I trot!)
booyah
April 30th, 2008 at 10:43 am
i didnt realize the internet was so profane!
April 30th, 2008 at 10:48 am
nice work big daddy balls, or whatever your name is. very glib and profane, just what my demographic craves.
April 30th, 2008 at 10:48 am
Come on Big Daddy Balls, this is no way prove your argument. It degrades all the hard work we have done to dispel all the bullshit they say about us. There is no way that first part ever happened nor would he ever take time out from horse fucking.
April 30th, 2008 at 10:49 am
Yes.
April 30th, 2008 at 10:50 am
Jesus Christ.
April 30th, 2008 at 10:52 am
All well and good, but the question remains, do you go Balls Deep into the horse?
April 30th, 2008 at 10:53 am
And a follow up, with his lilliputian stature, does Joe Buck resort to ponies for his pleasure?
April 30th, 2008 at 10:55 am
I knew there was a Dee Mirich/Buzz Bissinger connection!
April 30th, 2008 at 10:57 am
I think he got off light. Consider this a warning, Unfrozen Caveman Journalist!
April 30th, 2008 at 10:58 am
There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. I am not a crackpot!
April 30th, 2008 at 10:58 am
I still can’t believe that whole thing was a work to setup next month’s pay per view.
April 30th, 2008 at 10:59 am
That picture, I gotta say make him looks like that creepy uncle in the family that seemed just a bit too interested in his 8 year-old nieces. Imagine my surprise when I found out this morning it was the girls down at May’s that caught his fancy. Just never know.
April 30th, 2008 at 11:00 am
Somewhere, someone with a Barbaro t-shirt sheds a soliatary, lonely tear.
/likes Buzz’s writing but thinks Buzz is an asshole
April 30th, 2008 at 11:01 am
Bestiality always makes the hurt of losing your craft that much better.
April 30th, 2008 at 11:01 am
Michael Strahan called this the worst thing since overalls.
April 30th, 2008 at 11:02 am
Osi is interested in these so-called “mudders”.
April 30th, 2008 at 11:06 am
“It’s equimounting time”.
That is pure gold!
April 30th, 2008 at 11:06 am
As I was reading this, I swore this was going to have been written by Punter. This was one of your best posts. All I can say is Fuck and Yes!
April 30th, 2008 at 11:09 am
We aren’t journalists?!?!
April 30th, 2008 at 11:10 am
admit it drew, you’re thinking big daddy balls would have been a much better name
April 30th, 2008 at 11:10 am
Whoa whoa whoa, not to be a neigh sayer, but Buzz trotted out some salient points. He put Will through his paces, but Will wouldn’t jump because he’s so full of horse shit.
What can you do?
April 30th, 2008 at 11:16 am
I was definitely confused after Will said Daulerio was BDD “after dark”. Poor guy got all flustered because of the angry elf.
But seriously, fuck that guy; newspapers are dead, and magazines are on their way out. Embrace the internet or retire and get put out to stud jackass.
April 30th, 2008 at 11:16 am
Damn, I need to find the replay tonight so I can see what all the fuss is about. I don’t want to be one of those irresponsible uninformed asshole bloggers .
April 30th, 2008 at 11:16 am
To clarify, by “fuck that guy” I don’t mean Leitch.
April 30th, 2008 at 11:17 am
i dont think people are being fair with buzz bissenger, who is a great man. i mean, lets not forget how many times he used the N-word in Friday Night Lights.
April 30th, 2008 at 11:19 am
Does Derek Anderson know this guy is messing around with his girl?
April 30th, 2008 at 11:21 am
Big +1 to Last Unitard
April 30th, 2008 at 11:22 am
“Neigh” means “no”, Buzz.
April 30th, 2008 at 11:25 am
As MacCaulay Culkin once said, “Buzz, your girlfriend. Neeeeeigh”
April 30th, 2008 at 11:26 am
Now who looks like they live in their mom’s basement with the overgrown mullet to compensate for the Eighthead that he’s got. C’mon Buzz, do us all a favor and trim the mane; you’re not fooling anyone.
shit mist
@BDD: me thinks you’ve outdone yourself 1nce again.
April 30th, 2008 at 11:31 am
There hasn’t been a good porn posting since the PK and Romo summer sausage. Nothing like a little horse cock to start the morning …
April 30th, 2008 at 11:31 am
I hear her mother was a Mudder.
Great post, BDB.
April 30th, 2008 at 11:36 am
Great Buzzcock reference. Ever fallen in love with someone (possibly a horse) you shouldn’t've fallen in love with?
April 30th, 2008 at 11:40 am
Buzz Bissinger: The Catherine the Great of Sports Journalists? Discuss.
April 30th, 2008 at 11:43 am
I legitimately think Drew is the best writer on the planet right now. There, I said it. Thank you.
April 30th, 2008 at 11:45 am
Also, fuck Buzz Bissinger for stealing the thunder away from Mitch Albom’s boo-yah moment, when he dropped a “in his basement in his underwear” that could have made a muthacukin’ ONINON CRY! Nobody’s talking about that bombshell this morning because Captain Horsefucker had to steal his thunder ten minutes later.
April 30th, 2008 at 11:46 am
Buzz strikes as more of a chicken or sheep fucker. he doesn’t look man enough to handle a horse.
April 30th, 2008 at 11:47 am
Wow, horse porn? Seriously?
I hope you guys have a jetski, because this one jumped the shark.
April 30th, 2008 at 11:53 am
At least it’s not gay horsefucking. That would not be cool.
April 30th, 2008 at 11:59 am
“Sometimes she poops, but I love a mudder.”
“After just a few minutes, I’m waiting to deliver my “sugarcube” to her waiting maw.”
I pray none of my co-workers ever find out the shit I’m reading at work. Absolutely fucking brilliant BDB.
April 30th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
Much more of a donkey fucker, Upstate, but there’s just not as much romance in writing about donkey, chicken, or sheep fucking. A “milky gray coat, almost like a cup of Earl Grey tea”? Damn, Drew, I’d say you missed your calling in beastiality romance novels, but you’re pretty good at the calling you’ve found. That and I pray beastiality romance novels don’t really exist.
April 30th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
For 0.14 seconds, this had me wondering if horse sex is actually worth it.
April 30th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
@ El Duke
I’m guessing Buzz is a big Rebecca Lobo fan.
April 30th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
Sugar cube? Wouldn’t Daisy think it was a carrot?
April 30th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
COMMENT ABOUT THE NEW SITE: Please, please, please use larger text by default… every time I visit KSK I have to change my default browser text to medium (which makes every other site look retarded) because it’s too small to read. Given that I have pretty standard browser and computer settings, I can’t be alone here. This wasn’t an issue when the site was on blogspot, so someone decided to change the text settings.
April 30th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
and all this time I thought buzz was cranky because his editor suggested he work the term ‘throwgasm’ into his next piece.
April 30th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
I love how Costas, Bissinger, Wilbon and the rest went on and on about bloggers’ lack of credentials, experience or validity–yet they couldn’t spend ten seconds to come up with proper attribution for these “slanderous” comments. I know where Leitch, Daulerio and Drew worked before they started at Deadspin, where they went to college, exactly what their “credentials” are. It’s not that hard to do a little research, but it’s pretty damned easy to scream that someone is “full of shit” on TV.
April 30th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
a.) amazing as usual BDD
b.) can we get a ruling that any posts involving Bissinger be given the nightmare fuel tag, especially those that involve marauding with equines? Please?
April 30th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
Gee…now I wanna hear all about the inevitable paternity suit.
I see your horse fucking…and raise you INCESTUOUS horse fucking.
April 30th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
This post is sheer genius.
April 30th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
What is even more infuriating about cockhogs like Buzz is these guys don’t realize that by discrediting blogs and saying all internet writers are full of shit losers who live with their parents is they don’t even realize they are insulting the very people who read their stuff: sports fans!
And he fucks horses, which is really gross.
April 30th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
Is Buzz credentialed enough to get into the paddock at Churchill on Saturday? Cause I bet he’d do a bang up job reporting on the Derby. And he likes to fuck horses, so that would be a win-win for everyone.
April 30th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
My teas gone cold Im wondering why i..
Got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window..
And I cant see at all
And even if I could itll all be gray,
But your blog on my mac
It reminds me, that its not so bad,
Its not so bad..
Im glad I inspire you but Buzz
Why are you so mad? try to understand, that I do want you as a fan
I just dont want you to do some crazy shit like fuck a horse.
I seen this one shit on the news a couple hours ago that made me sick
Some dude was drunk and drove his car over a bridge
And had his pony in the trunk, and she was pregnant with his kid
And in the car they found a tape, but they didnt say who it was to
Come to think about, his name was.. it was you
Damn!
April 30th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
How perfect with the Kentuck Derby this weekend – Now when the race starts and I hear “and they’rrrrrrreeeeeeeee off” it will have a whole new meaning.
April 30th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
The entire Costas Sports Now show was one big circle jerk for establishment sports journalists.
The topics were so trite and the round table discussions about the topics even more so.
Wow, race plays a factor in sports and sports journalism? Thanks Wilbon!
Some pro athletes are now more skeptical of sports journalists today than before? Thanks Charles Barkley and some 90 year NBA beat writer dude!
And thank you Bob Costas for tackling these important issues while giving it all the feel of a Tuesday afternoon watching the summer olympics.
April 30th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
Thank you for telling the ugly truth about the Buzztiality. You are a fine American.
Oh, and horseadonk actually gave me half a stiffy.
April 30th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
@Suss:
And then you settled on a resounding “YES”?
April 30th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
So horse fucking is bad now?
April 30th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
Wow.
April 30th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
[...] the way Buzz Bissinger sees it after his tiraid last night. But I guess he just needs to get his Mr Hands action [...]
April 30th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
[...] want to write about it because I’d go on for way too long. (See here, here, here and here for some great writing on [...]
April 30th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
[...] Deadspin–I was going to write something about it, but Big Daddy Drew of Kissing Suzy Kolber has the pitch-perfect response. Leitch joins Ken Griffey Jr. as people Bissinger has spread his grumpy sauce [...]
April 30th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
Maybe he’s just pissed because he looks like Lewis Black’s stupid brother.
April 30th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Mr. Daddy Balls, your post has just ended western civilization as we know it. Right now, it just happened. If only you wrote about more high-brow things, like high school football and Barbaro, the world wouldn’t have collapsed. But you don’t, so it did.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a horse to fuck.
/Buzz’d
April 30th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Horse patties? What the fucksa matter with you? Horses do not shit patties, they shit baseball-sized chunks of poop that are more commonly known to people with some rural backgrounds (of which you apparently don’t have) as “road apples.” Now, a hippopotamus might shit a patty…hell, it might even shit a car for all I know. But not horses. Get yer shit straight!
April 30th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
What a fucking pompous, condescending, know it all shit stain. First, he assumes that since Will is a blogger he can’t possibly know the brilliant works of W.C Heinz. Then this fossil has the balls to rant about how blogs like Deadspin are dumbing down society, and he doesn’t even give one fucking example of what he’s talking about. And every other word out of his mouth is fuck or shit (way to be an intellect, asshole). I guess he doesn’t really have time to fact check , since he’s too busy whoring out Friday Night Lights into a media franchise. Way to sell out the kids who gave their blood, sweat and tears for high school football while you sat back and got rich off of it. I’m not saying he doesn’t have a right to make a living, but once you attack how someone else makes theirs, everything is fair game. Fucking dickhead.
April 30th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
I’m guessing Buzz is a big Rebecca Lobo fan.
No, you’re thinking of Steve Rushin.
April 30th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
To hell with the ‘+1′ shit, Drew…that’s AT LEAST a +4! One for each leg of the horse being fucked.
April 30th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
[...] and read Will’s take and AJ’s take. I then had to see what KSK had to say about it. Both good. I then checked in with Holly, whose blog I enjoy immensely, which led me to EDSBS, also a [...]
April 30th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
The Costas episode is on again tonight, at 6:30.
I heard they beat Leitch with his own shoes!
April 30th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
your a disgusting excuse of a human balls deep and apparently also very stupid in writing this because you just prooved buzz’s point
what is the world coming to honestly
April 30th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
Oh no Big Daddy Balls, you did NOT just talk about Daisy Blue’s man like that!
April 30th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
cscs clearly gets it.
April 30th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
Early Grey tea isn’t actually gray.
April 30th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
Class act, Big Daddy. Keep proving Bissinger right. Morons like you are stealing oxygen. The morons who put any credence in what you write or post aren’t much better.
April 30th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
Ummm, check out Bissinger’s Wikipedia entry. BDD, I guess you got it right; he IS a horse-fucker…
April 30th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
Reminds me of Falwell in the outhouse with his mother (which sounds like a fucking awesome game of Clue) except this one’s probably a little closer to the truth. I can’t wait until Buzz is admitted to the ER tomorrow with electrical burns after trying to hate fuck a computer monitor.
April 30th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
[...] agrees with Bissinger), FJM’s Ken Tremendous, The FanHouse’s Michael David Smith, and BDD at KSK (yes, vulgar and [...]
April 30th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
Thank you, Big Daddy Balls. I, for one, whole-heartedly endorse Rich Garces’ tits jokes. But horse-fucking posts are better.
April 30th, 2008 at 4:26 pm
@GStone
Wat, u mean Buzz dos’nt have sex wit Ponies? Dat’s unpossible! Why come he lie to us?
PS- I love credence! Bad Moon Rising is great!
April 30th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
Big Daddy blue balls and all the other clowns on the internet have a point. They have a right to post stupid shit which has nothing to do with sports, and does nothing but fuel their massive egos. Bissinger was just trying to say that douche bags like blue balls no very little about the world of sports.
April 30th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
@Nick: Know. They know very little about the world of sports. Know.
April 30th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
@Nick:
You also misspelled Eggos. Two g’s, son. And the proper way to fuel a massive Eggo is with Mrs. Buttersworth, not “posting stupid shit”. Idiot.
April 30th, 2008 at 5:19 pm
“Those cretins at Phillips are low-down horsefuckers. At Exeter we learned to save ourselves for the noble water buffalo.” — BDD
April 30th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
I’m so fucking ashamed that I bought Friday Night Lights in 2005. What the fuck was I thinking?
April 30th, 2008 at 5:54 pm
So I guess Buzz was able to get his 3 minions to post to KSK as a show of support…or maybe he threatened to fire them unless they posted a comment or fellated him…their choice.
Guess they don’t know how to use that rectangular thing with all the jumbled letters that’s in front of a small tv…what’s it called again…oh yeah a keysbored.
We’re looking your way cscs31, GStone and Nick.
April 30th, 2008 at 6:59 pm
You know who else loves, to fuck horses? Shrutebag
April 30th, 2008 at 7:02 pm
Eggos??? Lmao, thanks for correcting me. Now I KNOW how to spell EGGOS. Let’s forget how funny that post was for a second, and remember that while Bissinger did come off as a cranky old man he did introduce the world to HarryBlueballs.
April 30th, 2008 at 7:21 pm
What to do when insulted – Lesson 1:
Call somebody a horse fucker.
I’d rather read 400 BDD posts than 400 pages of Friday Night Lights. Hey, maybe that says more about me than it does about the credibility of bloggers, but I’m surely not alone in that sentiment.
/reads ‘I Hate Horses’ some more
April 30th, 2008 at 7:43 pm
LISTEN HERE MR. BALLSDEEPONYOURCHIN OR WHATEVER YOU CALL YOURSELVES…I WILL NOT BE MOCKED!!!!!! YOU AND YOUR ILK ARE DUMBING DOWN THIS NATION TO THE POINT THAT…..THAT….sob…….Please let me play with you!!!!! I want to be cool and glib too!!!!! PLEASE!!!! I want my kids to like me…..I want to laugh…and…and not take myself so seriously and have a little fun, too!!!! PPPPLLLLLLLLEEEEEASE!!!!!!!……..weep…sob…..sniff……Oh…well…yes…AS I SAID…..GO FUCK YOURSELVES!!!!!!
Sincerely,
Buzz
April 30th, 2008 at 9:32 pm
Buzz Billinger is persona non grata at the Derby now. Horses and Animal lovers around the world rejoice!
April 30th, 2008 at 9:38 pm
[...] Announcing Kissing Suzy Kolber Every Day Should be Saturday The Sporting [...]
April 30th, 2008 at 10:53 pm
[...] Contrite Buzz Bissinger (please read through to the bottom) [...]
April 30th, 2008 at 11:36 pm
Genius! Awkward… but genius!
May 1st, 2008 at 12:30 am
i watched buzz on hbo. What a wing nut. stickcause quite frankly your boring and overated to writing books old man.I respect the big names in sports broadcasting for sure, but this guy is full of himself. The reason these jackholes dont talk trash is because there censored by there papers.So stop crying about the internet and go write a book about the local boys club baseball team, because quite frankly your boring and overated.
May 1st, 2008 at 12:36 am
[...] is just angry and he doesn’t really know why. Other blogs have written far more eloquent pieces, so I’m just going to post the video and simply state that ‘Buzz’ (really? Buzz? [...]
May 1st, 2008 at 1:05 am
See this is the exact kind of thing Buzz doesn’t want his son reading! To the rest of the world… Gold Jerry!
May 1st, 2008 at 1:36 am
Holy crap BDD, that made me laugh harder than anything I’ve read since the original Sex Cannon post…
May 1st, 2008 at 9:59 am
[...] of other sites have said more eloquent things than I can on this topic. OK, the last one wasn’t eloquent, but funny (and rude and crude). I [...]
May 1st, 2008 at 10:19 am
[...] of bloggers have responded. Some thoughtfully. Some hysterically. I can’t really add anything to other than a personal moment that I was reminded of while [...]
May 1st, 2008 at 12:23 pm
You guys have it all wrong. See, people like Buzz Bissinger are the smart ones. And they’re telling us, the uninformed proletariat fucktards, what we need to know about sports. And we can’t question them, make fun of them, start blogs, or do anything of the sort because that would be disturbing an entrenched oligarchy of ignorant douchebags. And that sort of thing is simply Not Done on Planet Bissinger. Let’s just send ol’ Buzz some oats in the mail along with a letter of apology for disturbing his nice, orderly dying medium.
May 2nd, 2008 at 9:07 am
[...] We also love the response of one of the quoted blog authors to Bissinger’s rants. Big Daddy Drew takes the high road. [...]
May 5th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
[...] out the screen-cap from Friday’s Pardon the Interruption on ESPN. Looks like Drew had it right all [...]
August 31st, 2009 at 11:23 am
[...] game of his life, but in doing so made the Vikings’ quarterback situation a little bit muddier (I love a mudder). If he would have driven that truck off the cliff fans would still be feeling great about trading [...]