Unless you’ve spent the last several weeks inside of Rosie O’Donnell’s vagina, you realize that The Big Draft is tomorrow, which means that the last random selection post for us goes up today. And since we’ll have all day tomorrow to spout fanfare, we’ll just present our weekly offering and let you warm up for next week.

Each of the KSKers will be drafting a canceled TV show that will be brought back to the air. The obvious assumption is that all of the characters will be coming back to the show, though one will be allowed to make minor tweaks to the show (additional characters, change of setting, etc) if one feels it will make the show more interesting or more profitable.

The order:

Drew
Punte
Maj
Flub
Ape
Uff

UFF: New cast?

PUNTE: Minor tweaks. You can add or swap out a castmember, or two at the absolute most.

MAJ: Oh, and one rule i’d propose. you can’t bring back a show that ended on it’s own terms like Seinfeld or Cheers.

PUNTE: I like that. So it is written.

DREW: Well shit, that ruins my board. Most shows get canceled because they, you know, aren’t good anymore.

PUNTE: Let’s just ban Seinfeld and Cheers then. M*A*S*H* is still in play.

DREW: Can it be a show that ended due to the loss of a leading actor who I can then bring back from the dead?

MAJ: Of course you can bring back Sopranos, they’re making an f’n movie. Tony Soprano didn’t die. I was thinking that we were picking shows that were canceled to our chagrin, not shows that stayed on the air for years and years with huge ratings and had a scheduled ending.

PUNTE: Drew, I’ll allow that. Maj, you can pick under any rationale you choose.

DREW: The Sopranos thing was unrelated to my other request. Anyway, I’ll adhere to the spirit of the draft.

1. DREW: Arrested Development

I never watched it as often as I should have, but I always liked it.

1. The Sopranos

Fuck you, David Chase. You’re fired. And I’m bringing Nick Pileggi and Martin Scorsese to run the rest of the show, to show you how to fucking end a mob saga.

2. PUNTE: Three’s Company

Except in my version, Jack Ritter will be played my Mekhi Pfifer.

MAJ: You took out the awful actor who provided physical comedic relief with an awful actor who wears fake dreads. Why?

PUNTE: Because that’s a show I’d want to see. Plus he’d be fuckin’ bitches!

I should point out that the show would still be set in the early 1980s. The casual racism would just be icing on the watermelon.

MAJ: Okay, I’d watch that shit, too.

3. MAJ: Arrested Development

ad cast

AD was the best sitcom to hit network television in years and I personally blame everybody who didn’t watch it for ruining exactly one hour out of my week (I say one hour because I watch it twice). I would change absolutely nothing about the show because it was perfect.

PUNTE: It was.

DREW: Oh shit. I juyst realized what I really should have taken #1.

4. FLUB: Freaks & Geeks

freaks geeksbecause I want a) to find out what happened to Lindsay after she ran off with those goddam dirty hippies; and b) more of Busy Philipp’s sweet, sweet rack.

APE: Goddammit.

FLUB: I wouldn’t have taken that if I had picked first.

5. APE: 5. The Critic.

jay sherman

A perfectly enjoyable early Simpsons rip-off. I’d can the dumb Southern girlfriend they brought in for the years when it switched from ABC to FOX. Just takes away from his father dressing up as El Kabong.

PUNTE: That pick stinks.

MAJ: Reading “el kabong” made me LOL; I want to know what’s going on in Easter Island Kid’s head.

UFF (two picks)

6. Mystery Science Theater 3000.

I’ll never understand why this was canceled. Fucking brilliant show, and I use it to justify my own talking over shitty movies. I’d keep the original guy (Joel) and shorten/eliminate the skits that tried to give the show a semblance of plot.

PUNTE: Great show, Matt. Didn’t mind the skits too much when they were short, like early on.

DREW: Joel, the pride of Hopkins, Minnesota! Loved that show.

UFF: I have no idea what I’m going to pick next. I don’t really long for any canceled shows. Gimme a few. I barely watched TV from 2000-2007, and from ’96 to ’00 I really only watched the Simpsons. I have to dig for something that I actually care about.

FLUB: Punte longs for escapist fare featuring a more urban life that the one he leads in South Carolina — so he picks “Petticoat Junction.”

PUNTE: I apologize for being a penis.

7. The State.

This show leaving MTV marked the last time MTV made a worthwhile show. Yes, I’m including The Ben Stiller Show. That fucking blew.

FLUB: “We could have stopped at $100 worth of pudding… And that would have been a lot of pudding… But we had to go all the way… $250 worth of pudding… Aw, yeah!” Great pick.

APE: Nice pick. I was considering that one. In a similar skit show vein…

8. Mr. Show.

mr show

On one hand, its continued existence keeps David Cross off Arrested Development. On the other, it keeps Jack Black relegated to a minor character that is actually funny in small doses.

PUNTE: I know you guys are gonna give me shit for this, but I really can’t stand David Cross.

DREW: I find Cross annoying sometimes as well. And yes, it’s because he gets preachy with the ol politics.

APE: I don’t really enjoy his stand-up. He’s a hilarious comedy actor though.

MAJ: Yeah, i love him in sketches and sitcoms. Oh, and I wanna dip my balls in it.

FLUB: “Man, who invited Louie… JUDAS???”

9. MAJ: The Larry Sanders Show.

This just in, I really like Jeffery Tambor.

PUNTE: Cross and Tambor are both well-represented in this draft.

DREW: Truly great show.

MAJ: A classic.

10. FLUB: It’s Your Move.

THE DREGS!!!

Arrested Development wasn’t the first Jason Bateman series to be axed before its time. On Move, Bateman was constantly battling wits with the guy who banging his mom (capably played by the actor who was Marcy’s first husband on Married With Children). After the show was canceled, the Grateful Dead shamelessly lifted the premise of the show’s Dregs of Humanity episode for their “Touch of Grey” video.

11. PUNTE: Who’s The Boss?

Except that in my revival, Mona would stop at nothing to bang the Tony Danza character, who would be played by Mehki Pfifer.

MAJ: Who’s the gay kid going to fuck?

DREW: (dos pickos)

12. Chappelle’s Show

Should have taken it #1.

UFF: Wow, I can’t believe we forgot about Chappelle.

FLUB: Didn’t Chappelle end his show on his own terms too?

MAJ: It didn’t really run its course, he just gave up on it.

DREW: I guess he did, but I don’t care.

13. Project Greenlight

Staying true to the intent of the draft. I want to take Fawlty Towers, but that ended on its own terms. I will never, EVER get tired of pretentious asshole contest winners realizing that no one gives a fuck about their stupid “vision.”

PUNTE: I actually enjoyed that show.

UFF: Fawlty Towers is on my board.

DREW: I didn’t mean to fuck that up for you.

UFF: It’s cool, I was just agreeing that it definitely needed more episodes.

DREW: The one I really should have taken #1 is Father Ted, which ended because the main guy died. Fucking awesome show.

UFF: I watched an episode of that with you. Pretty good stuff.

14. Quintuplets (the failed Andy Richter vehicle).

Except all of the quintuplets will be played by…Kate Bosworth.

What?

15. FLUB: Greg the Bunny.

The premise might not have enough legs to last much more than half a season anyway, but, dammit, it made me laugh.

16. MAJ: Sports Night.

Without the fucking laugh track. Oh, and Jeremy would score a threesome with Natalie and the porn star.

17. APE: SeaLab 2021.

It was a delightfully crass redubbing of an old cartoon, like space ghost, with the absurdist humor of ATHF. Also, the Bizarro episode is a classic.

18. UFF: The Tick (animated)

I didn’t really watch it all that much, and Venture Bros. is a perfectly acceptable substitute, but whatever, I had to pick something.

What did we miss?