This week’s draft is pet peeves we want ridden from the world.

Important note: PEOPLE CAN’T BE PET PEEVES. “Ugh, I hate it when people bite their nails.” That’s a pet peeve. “Ugh, I hate Jews.” That would be racism.

With a nod to this McSweeney’s piece, we went four rounds (and could have gone 70), so there’s no additional commentary today.

ROUND 1

1. APE: Prefacing a demand or another question with a question

A favorite of women and relatives. “Can I ask you a question?” “Can you do me a favor?” I’m not signing onto something rhetorically without knowing what it is, so just fucking come out and say it. More bothersome is when someone asks you whether you plan on a certain course of action then demands you not do it. “Are you doing such and such today?” Yes. “Well, I really don’t think you should.”

2. MAJ: Answering the question “What do you want to do?” with “I don’t know, what do you want to do?”

I asked you first, god damn it!

3. DREW: Chipped and/or ugly nail polish

I fucking hate dark nail polish on women. But worse than that, by far, is chipped nail polish. Fucking disgusting. I can’t look at Britney Spears’ fingers without wanting to throw up in a bucket. Buy some acetone, lady.

4. UFF: Multi-tasking while on your cell phone in public

There are so many things about cell phone use that bother the shit out of me that I had to make this intentionally vague. You’re ordering something from Starbucks? Get off the fucking phone. Driving a car? Get off the fucking phone. Watching a movie at the theater? Why is your phone even on, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE. You are NOT that important.

5. PUNTER: Groups of people that refuse to walk single file down the sidewalk when other people are coming.

You’re not in a parade, and no one’s filming you. MOVE!

6. FLUBBY: People who are waiting to turn left at an intersection controlled by a light, but refuse to scootch up into the intersection once the light turns green.

It prevents people who are behind them from turning right and increases the chance nobody will get through before the light changes. Even if you are a selfish prick like me who doesn’t give a damn about anyone else, rolling forward into the intersection guarantees that you will make it through the light. Gaaah!! Just thinking about it makes me want to break stuff.

ROUND 2

7. FLUBBY: People who start a story or explanation with the word “basically.”

Don’t say it; it adds nothing to whatever you’re saying and makes you sound like a damn fool. You might as well use a verbal pause like “duhhhhh” or “durrrrrr.” If anything, when you hear the word “basically” you can be assured that the following story will not be just the basics, and will probably be some meadering bullshit you will tune out after about four seconds. Basically what I’m saying here is die is a fire, asshole.

8. PUNTER: People that dress slutty and then get pissed off when I start staring.

Somebody needs to explain this to me. If you don’t want me looking at your tits, put them in an actual shirt, one that actually buttons up to at least your sternum. I’m gonna look. It’s not a crime until I bend you over the sink in the ladies’ room, and even then, you still have to say no.

9. UFF: People blocking others from walking up (or down) an escalator.

“Yay! These stairs move! Who cares that it’s at one-fourth the pace of a physically fit human being? I’m tired.” Then you best clear the fuck out of my way, fatty. I got places to be, specifically: Not-standing-still-on-an-escalator Town.

10. DREW: Not using your turn signal.

I DON’T FUCKING HAVE ESP. GIVE ME A GODDAMN HEADS UP.

11. MAJ: Arguing with children

Not only are children stupid, but they don’t play by the established rules of arguing. Trying to reason with a child is like trying to masturbate when you’re too drunk to stand up. Eventually you just realize that it isn’t happening, so you might as well pass out.

12. APE: Homeless people who approach you with a spiel

“Oh, heyheyhey. You look like a good person. I’m in some trouble, can you help me out? I’m a veteran of six foreign wars trying to get on my feet. I just need money for the subway to get over to the Housing Department. If I don’t get to the court by tomorrow, they’re going to throw me in prison. Tell me, can you help me out?”

ROUND 3

13. APE: Greedy fucking homeless people

This happened in Georgetown a few months ago: I gave some dude busking on the street a dollar and he asked if I had a five or a ten. Like, really pressed me about it and almost got it my face. I was about to reel back and fucking hit him. Also annoying is when homeless people want specific change. “Hey thanks for the nickels and dimes, say, could I have a quarter instead?”

[NOTE: Technically, they're panhandlers. But the motherfuckers should still DIE.]

14. MAJ: Christmas

I’m not going to paste Maj’s reasoning here, because that’s an asshole pick. Hey, don’t like Christmas? Move to Israel. See if you can get courtside tickets for the Wizards there.

15. DREW: Fucking up my takeout order

These days calling takeout means I have to sit on the phone with the person on the other end, who does not speak good English, and repeat my order at least two times, then asking them to repeat it back to me. And they STILL fuck it up, Panera being by far the worst perpetrator. DO THESE PEOPLE HAVE SHIT IN THEIR EARS? And they fucking put mayonnaise on my sandwich when I specifically said I didn’t fucking want it. Is this England? Fuck you and fuck your fucking mayonnaise. Fuckhead.

16. UFF: Disturbing my peace on the subway

This includes teenagers attempting to blast tinny music from their Verizon phone, panhandlers, loud conversationalists, and people who wear headphones but listen to them so loudly that you can’t help but hear their music. Just fucking sit there and zone out like the rest of us normal human beings.

17. PUNTER: People who don’t RSVP

How are you so goddamn important that you can’t give me some sort of notice? Yes, I’m coming. No, I’m not. Fuck your stupid poker night. It takes five fucking minutes.

18. FLUBBY: Good beer in frosted glasses

I’m hardly a beer snob; I drink too much overpriced Bud at sporting events to claim otherwise. But I absolutely hate it when I order a Sierra Nevada or whatnot at a bar and they serve it in a frosted glass. Look shithead, macro-brew American lager needs to be kept and consumed ice-cold otherwise it tastes like horse piss. Good beer does not. In fact, the cold glass takes away much of the taste. One time a bartender actually served me a Guinness in a frosted glass. I still hate that bastard.

FINAL ROUND

19. FLUBBY: The Miami Dolphins logo.

It’s positively mystifying. Look at it, the dolphin is wearing a helmet with a big letter ‘M’ on it? Whose helmet is that? If it was a Miami Dolphins helmet, it would have another logo on the side, not a big orange ‘M’. Just what exactly is this dolphin’s problem? If that old bastards Shula and Buoniconti want to do something useful, they need to get off their asses and get to the bottom of this.

20. PUNTER: When I make a declarative statement about something, and then I’m IMMEDIATELY ASKED for my opinion about that something.

Her: Look at my new jacket.
Me: That looks great on you.
Her: Doesn’t it look great on me?
Me: Yes, you deaf whore; I just said that.

21. UFF: “You’re So Vain” by Carly Simon.

“I bet you think this song is about you, don’t you? Don’t you?” Of COURSE he thinks it’s about him! How many of her boyfriends could possibly have horses winning at Saratoga? Oh, but HE’S vain because he’s able to recognize personal details from his own life? What a fucking bitch.

22. DREW: The growing national pussification with regards to mildly inclement weather

It’s particularly bad here in DC. I have a 40,000 word rant about this in my brain for later. All I’ll say for now is that school was closed here in MD a month or two ago because it RAINED. That’s it. People have been taught by local government and retard weathermen to freak out when they see a goddamn speck of sleet. It’s fucking pathetic.

23. MAJ: Undecided voters

In our draft thread, Maj quoted four stanzas of Dante to let us know he doesn’t like indecisive pussies.

24. APE: The phrase “Talk about…”

It’s an aw-gosh broadcasting trope that makes zero sense and infuriates the bejesus out of me. “Talk about threading the needle!” That’s not an exclamation. It’s a request.

There are no fewer than 800,000 other things that also piss us off, but we’ll stop the draft there so y’all can tell us about your gripes.