KSK Mock Draft: Pet Peeves
This week’s draft is pet peeves we want ridden from the world.
Important note: PEOPLE CAN’T BE PET PEEVES. “Ugh, I hate it when people bite their nails.” That’s a pet peeve. “Ugh, I hate Jews.” That would be racism.
With a nod to this McSweeney’s piece, we went four rounds (and could have gone 70), so there’s no additional commentary today.
1. APE: Prefacing a demand or another question with a question
A favorite of women and relatives. “Can I ask you a question?” “Can you do me a favor?” I’m not signing onto something rhetorically without knowing what it is, so just fucking come out and say it. More bothersome is when someone asks you whether you plan on a certain course of action then demands you not do it. “Are you doing such and such today?” Yes. “Well, I really don’t think you should.”
2. MAJ: Answering the question “What do you want to do?” with “I don’t know, what do you want to do?”
I asked you first, god damn it!
3. DREW: Chipped and/or ugly nail polish
I fucking hate dark nail polish on women. But worse than that, by far, is chipped nail polish. Fucking disgusting. I can’t look at Britney Spears’ fingers without wanting to throw up in a bucket. Buy some acetone, lady.
4. UFF: Multi-tasking while on your cell phone in public
There are so many things about cell phone use that bother the shit out of me that I had to make this intentionally vague. You’re ordering something from Starbucks? Get off the fucking phone. Driving a car? Get off the fucking phone. Watching a movie at the theater? Why is your phone even on, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE. You are NOT that important.
5. PUNTER: Groups of people that refuse to walk single file down the sidewalk when other people are coming.
You’re not in a parade, and no one’s filming you. MOVE!
6. FLUBBY: People who are waiting to turn left at an intersection controlled by a light, but refuse to scootch up into the intersection once the light turns green.
It prevents people who are behind them from turning right and increases the chance nobody will get through before the light changes. Even if you are a selfish prick like me who doesn’t give a damn about anyone else, rolling forward into the intersection guarantees that you will make it through the light. Gaaah!! Just thinking about it makes me want to break stuff.
7. FLUBBY: People who start a story or explanation with the word “basically.”
Don’t say it; it adds nothing to whatever you’re saying and makes you sound like a damn fool. You might as well use a verbal pause like “duhhhhh” or “durrrrrr.” If anything, when you hear the word “basically” you can be assured that the following story will not be just the basics, and will probably be some meadering bullshit you will tune out after about four seconds. Basically what I’m saying here is die is a fire, asshole.
8. PUNTER: People that dress slutty and then get pissed off when I start staring.
Somebody needs to explain this to me. If you don’t want me looking at your tits, put them in an actual shirt, one that actually buttons up to at least your sternum. I’m gonna look. It’s not a crime until I bend you over the sink in the ladies’ room, and even then, you still have to say no.
9. UFF: People blocking others from walking up (or down) an escalator.
“Yay! These stairs move! Who cares that it’s at one-fourth the pace of a physically fit human being? I’m tired.” Then you best clear the fuck out of my way, fatty. I got places to be, specifically: Not-standing-still-on-an-escalator Town.
10. DREW: Not using your turn signal.
I DON’T FUCKING HAVE ESP. GIVE ME A GODDAMN HEADS UP.
11. MAJ: Arguing with children
Not only are children stupid, but they don’t play by the established rules of arguing. Trying to reason with a child is like trying to masturbate when you’re too drunk to stand up. Eventually you just realize that it isn’t happening, so you might as well pass out.
12. APE: Homeless people who approach you with a spiel
“Oh, heyheyhey. You look like a good person. I’m in some trouble, can you help me out? I’m a veteran of six foreign wars trying to get on my feet. I just need money for the subway to get over to the Housing Department. If I don’t get to the court by tomorrow, they’re going to throw me in prison. Tell me, can you help me out?”
13. APE: Greedy fucking homeless people
This happened in Georgetown a few months ago: I gave some dude busking on the street a dollar and he asked if I had a five or a ten. Like, really pressed me about it and almost got it my face. I was about to reel back and fucking hit him. Also annoying is when homeless people want specific change. “Hey thanks for the nickels and dimes, say, could I have a quarter instead?”
[NOTE: Technically, they're panhandlers. But the motherfuckers should still DIE.]
14. MAJ: Christmas
I’m not going to paste Maj’s reasoning here, because that’s an asshole pick. Hey, don’t like Christmas? Move to Israel. See if you can get courtside tickets for the Wizards there.
15. DREW: Fucking up my takeout order
These days calling takeout means I have to sit on the phone with the person on the other end, who does not speak good English, and repeat my order at least two times, then asking them to repeat it back to me. And they STILL fuck it up, Panera being by far the worst perpetrator. DO THESE PEOPLE HAVE SHIT IN THEIR EARS? And they fucking put mayonnaise on my sandwich when I specifically said I didn’t fucking want it. Is this England? Fuck you and fuck your fucking mayonnaise. Fuckhead.
16. UFF: Disturbing my peace on the subway
This includes teenagers attempting to blast tinny music from their Verizon phone, panhandlers, loud conversationalists, and people who wear headphones but listen to them so loudly that you can’t help but hear their music. Just fucking sit there and zone out like the rest of us normal human beings.
17. PUNTER: People who don’t RSVP
How are you so goddamn important that you can’t give me some sort of notice? Yes, I’m coming. No, I’m not. Fuck your stupid poker night. It takes five fucking minutes.
18. FLUBBY: Good beer in frosted glasses
I’m hardly a beer snob; I drink too much overpriced Bud at sporting events to claim otherwise. But I absolutely hate it when I order a Sierra Nevada or whatnot at a bar and they serve it in a frosted glass. Look shithead, macro-brew American lager needs to be kept and consumed ice-cold otherwise it tastes like horse piss. Good beer does not. In fact, the cold glass takes away much of the taste. One time a bartender actually served me a Guinness in a frosted glass. I still hate that bastard.
19. FLUBBY: The Miami Dolphins logo.
It’s positively mystifying. Look at it, the dolphin is wearing a helmet with a big letter ‘M’ on it? Whose helmet is that? If it was a Miami Dolphins helmet, it would have another logo on the side, not a big orange ‘M’. Just what exactly is this dolphin’s problem? If that old bastards Shula and Buoniconti want to do something useful, they need to get off their asses and get to the bottom of this.
20. PUNTER: When I make a declarative statement about something, and then I’m IMMEDIATELY ASKED for my opinion about that something.
Her: Look at my new jacket.
Me: That looks great on you.
Her: Doesn’t it look great on me?
Me: Yes, you deaf whore; I just said that.
21. UFF: “You’re So Vain” by Carly Simon.
“I bet you think this song is about you, don’t you? Don’t you?” Of COURSE he thinks it’s about him! How many of her boyfriends could possibly have horses winning at Saratoga? Oh, but HE’S vain because he’s able to recognize personal details from his own life? What a fucking bitch.
22. DREW: The growing national pussification with regards to mildly inclement weather
It’s particularly bad here in DC. I have a 40,000 word rant about this in my brain for later. All I’ll say for now is that school was closed here in MD a month or two ago because it RAINED. That’s it. People have been taught by local government and retard weathermen to freak out when they see a goddamn speck of sleet. It’s fucking pathetic.
23. MAJ: Undecided voters
In our draft thread, Maj quoted four stanzas of Dante to let us know he doesn’t like indecisive pussies.
24. APE: The phrase “Talk about…”
It’s an aw-gosh broadcasting trope that makes zero sense and infuriates the bejesus out of me. “Talk about threading the needle!” That’s not an exclamation. It’s a request.
There are no fewer than 800,000 other things that also piss us off, but we’ll stop the draft there so y’all can tell us about your gripes.
April 4th, 2008 at 11:55 am
People that get on an elevator before people get out of the elevator.
seriously, wait your fucking turn and let me out before you get in.
April 4th, 2008 at 11:57 am
I’d like to note my first pick also covers men who wear nail polish. Because nail polish on men is fucking nauseating.
April 4th, 2008 at 11:58 am
Anyone identifying themselves by their racial heritage. If you do this, you have absolutely nothing else to say. Fuck your jewish and irish heritage you scum.
April 4th, 2008 at 11:58 am
When you use a public bathroom and the person walking out the door ahead of you doesn’t wash their hands. I will actually come out behind these people and say in a loud voice “Hey, you nasty motherfucker…wash your fucking hands after you use the bathroom.” Hopefully I am solving this problem one slob at a time.
April 4th, 2008 at 11:59 am
People who try to talk on their cell phones in a elevator.
I hate you, die.
April 4th, 2008 at 11:59 am
BDD, it is sad that you had to clarify that.
April 4th, 2008 at 11:59 am
It’s called a canto, not a stanza, you philistine!
/pretentious
April 4th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
@ U.U. the same could be said for the subway or bus.
My pick, I choose slow walkers. Working in Harlem, I have to suffer through human traffic jams on an hourly basis. I go on lunch to avoid frustration not engage in more of it dammit. There should be a passing lane on the fucking sidewalks up here.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
When you’re walking through a door behind a woman and she just swings the door out. So I’m supposed to hold the door open for you, and you just let it swing shut in my face? Die.
I have a feeling this will be an angry thread.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
and to be clear, i don’t hate the holiday of christmas, just the month that leads into it.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
biggest pet peeve: the term pet peever
April 4th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
The Starbucks sizing system.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
@maj
You mean, like, Hanukkah?
April 4th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
that’s ‘peeve’.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
Driving behind some asshole going 10 MPH under the speed limit, then you hit a 2 lane section and they immediately speed up, making passing the impossible.
Choke on a cock
April 4th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
Biggest Pet Peeve, girls who complain when you leave the toilet seat up, but then complain when you get a little splatter on the seat. How much effort does it take for them to look down realize that the whole is bigger than their ass and then put the seat down…..
Living with my girlfriend has made me angry….
April 4th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
Office lingo. When someone mentions ’shooting an email up the foodchain’ or saying that someone will ‘download the information’ to them. or says ‘lets have a little pow wow’ i want to murder them. I actually even saw an email where someone asked “what’s your 20?” when asking for someones office location
April 4th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
And I – my head oppressed by horror – said:
“Master [Virgil], what is it that I hear? Who are
those people so defeated by their pain?”
And he to me: “This miserable way
is taken by the sorry souls of those
who lived without disgrace and without praise.
They now commingle with the coward angels,
the company of those who were not rebels
nor faithful to their God, but stood apart.
The heavens, that their beauty not be lessened,
have cast them out, nor will deep Hell receive them -
even the wicked cannot glory in them.”
April 4th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
Cunts who get offended when I use the word cunt.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
@pemulis
The next time somebody tells you there’s a “disconnect,” tell them it will be their head from their body.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
I fucking hate drivers who creep forward waiting for the light to turn green. Just have a little GD patience or stare at the opposite light like the rest of us…
April 4th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
The term “thinking outside the box”. I’d like to put you IN the box, 45 feet below the surface of a body of water…
April 4th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
People who smoke next to building entrances. Unless it’s weed.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
Worse than someone who doesn’t hold the door open… someone who holds it open for you when you’re too far away and have to pick up the pace to a slow jog.
Listen fuck head. I spent time putting together a wardrobe that will hide my guts and tits. The jog throws it all out of whack. I was going to get laid if it wasn’t for that jog, or… until the girl realized that “I am me”
April 4th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
People who come to a complete stop at the end on an interstate on-ramp.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Philadephians. And no, it’s not an -ism, because my feelings about Philadelphians closely mirror BDD’s about nail polish on men. Nauseating.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
Anytime someone references a “mid life crisis.”
God damn if I don’t want to unload on just about anyone who utters that phrase when a guy in a nice sports car drives by.
You know what? If I could afford a Porche when I was 18, I would have had one. However, you can’t afford these cars until you are older or born into a rich family.
Instead of some sort of psycho-babble explanation could it just be that the guy in question always wanted a top-notch performance car and has finally been able to afford it?
No…. that CAN’T be it.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
When somebody makes more than one alteration to their fast-food sandwich order. Guess what, asshole…this isn’t Ruth’s Chris. There’s 20 other sandwiches on the board. Find one that doesn’t take you 30 seconds to order. Besides, they’re going to fuck it up anyway.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
For my next pick I choose people who Jay walk and then stare at you like your an asshole for driving your car down the street. Those motherfuckers alone are the reason I sold my car.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
Machines that call you at night and don’t start speaking for 30 seconds after you pick up. Whoever actually believes that this method is going to achieve some sort of sale should be hung by his toenails and blowtorched “Hostel-style.”
April 4th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
People that don’t return their shopping carts and just leave them in the parking lot.
Again, walk a few fucking yards and return those motherfuckers where they belong.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
Asian takeout receipts with a tip area.
Fuck no, I’m not tipping you for me picking up my food. But by not putting something in there, I have to fear you’re gonna spit in my General Tso’s. EXTORTION!
April 4th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
Any jingle or song as a cell phone ringer. If its in your pocket it should be on vibrate. If you have to have a ringer it should be just that – a fucking ringer. Not an Asian festival march, not the Knightrider theme and certainly not the newest Miley Cyrus song, I dont care how catchy it is.
and god help you if you have a ring back, it will be the last time I ever call you.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
People who order shit like margaritas and martinis when the line at the bar is 5-deep.
I’ll give you a rum and coke, that shit is on tap. Otherwise, order a fucking beer and get the hell out of the way…
April 4th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
Gang rape. I can’t place why I don’t like it, it just irritates me is all.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
People blocking others from walking up (or down) an escalator.
STAND ON THE RIGHT, ASSHOLE! Tourists and Asians are the fucking worst.
My pick: When someone is condescending and has no fucking right to be. Sorry that I’m younger than you and a girl, and better at my job, you gutless douchebag.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
@nevernude: seconded
A close relative of this species (and my preferred peeve) is the one that sees you attempting to make an unprotected left turn on green from 500 yards away and FLOORS it to make sure you have to wait at least one more car.
Word Verification: magot…how appropriate.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
Soccer fans who won’t let me be disinterested in soccer. No, I don’t like your stupid sport, but I’m willing to ignore it. But you, you stupid gnob-gobbler, keep insisting that soccer is the greatest sport in the world and enjoyed by billions and blah, blah, blah. Soccer is directly tied to the pussification of this nationa and I, for one, will not fucking stand for it. Let Eurotrash and South American mud people keep that shit; Americans play football, damn you.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
People who take pictures of Ground Zero as if it some kind of goddamn tourist attraction. I think we should be allowed to snatch the camera and throw it the fuck in there.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
Bluetooth or hands free cell phone users not in their car.
Listen asshole…those things were made so you could talk on the phone in your car, not so you could stand in a public place and look like a person talking to themselves and confusing/annoying everybody else within earshot. Also, just pick up the phone and put it to your ear, lazyass.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
I gotta side with Uff about the escalator. My issue is with the people that bring their roller bag on the escalator and then the second they get to the top or bottom, they pull out the handle and slowly start moving forward without moving to the side.
YOUR BAG IS IN THE WAY, JACKASS! Where am I supposed to go? I trip over their bag, the person behind me steps on me, then it becomes a huge clusterfuck of falling people, while the asshole with the bag rolls away. I HATE YOU ROLLER BAG ON THE ESCALATOR GUY!
April 4th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
Incompetence. If you can’t do something right, or try to claim you can and then follow up on that claim, save yourself 5 minutes and just don’t do it. It makes you look fucking stupid and totally disrupts the flow of the human race.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
Mothers who bring gargantuan strollers into mall stores, clogging the aisles and making it impossible to run in quickly to grab a pair of stockings, etc.
They make portable “umbrella” strollers. You asked for every other goddamned thing on your baby registry, why not an item that would actually show some consideration for your fellow humans, as well?
April 4th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
In typical KSK fashion, this has turned from “Peeves” into “People” we want ridden from the world. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
People who are driving 10mph under the speed limit in the left lane on the interstate. The left lane is the FAST lane asshole. Get over to the right where you belong…
April 4th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
tracerbuller – A well writeen and, dare I say, brilliant article on why one is to hate soccer.
http://therealshotter.blogspot.com/2006_06_01_archive.html
(scroll down one entry)
April 4th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
Not resetting the microwave oven at work.
We have assholes where I work that always leave a few seconds on the microwave. Clear that fucker.
Basically I hate lazy people that make little or no effort to be courteous.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
Closer Talkers…..man you are violating my personal space…back the fuck up….
April 4th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
People who throw lit cigarette butts from car windows.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
Three from FKS:
-Bikers riding in the dead center of the fucking road
-Tevas
-Vacationing stickers
April 4th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
@ smitty lite – fuck & yes.
One-sided myspace conversations. I hate when you look at somebody’s myspace page and they had a conversation with somebody in their comments section. So, all you see is the other person’s comments and would need to go to that person’s page just to get the gist of the conversation. Fuck you. Don’t hold conversations on your myspace comments page….that shit is more gay than having a myspace page in the first place.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
hairy vaginas. Let’s keep it nice and neat down there.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
If you are going to talk about politics, religion, or sports, for the love of God do not sound like a fifth-grader doing it. It’s cool with me if you support Michael Vick or you’re voting for McCain, but please don’t tell me it’s because you’re “from Atlanta” or “McCain will keep us safe.”
April 4th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
I hate the word surreal, whenever someone is interviewed on the news the situation was “surreal.” I view it as a dumbass way to describe a situation without any details. The word is fucking everywhere now, its one of those shitty $2 words that people think its impressive to use. Its not, it shows you have no ability to describe a situation.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
When someone rushes to pull out in front of you and you have to hit the brakes…when there is no one else behind me! Its one thing if there is a mile long line of cars behind me. By all means, sneak your ass in there, but there is 10 miles of empty road behind me if you just wait 7 seconds.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
And, since this is a football blog… two minutes of idiotic, speculative blather by the announcers during instant replays. We are all watching the same clip. I don’t need you to tell me five hundred times that you think his knee was down. I heard you the first time. Oh, AND I SAW IT MYSELF!
April 4th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
Parking meters that only accept quarters.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
Mispronounciation, again, working in Harlem this is something that I am consistantly plagued with. My supervisor can’t even pronounce the word subordinate
April 4th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
Cover charges. Look, asshole, if I’m going to a BAR, I’m going to buy a DRINK, and you’re going to charge me too much for it anyway. Why do I need to pay for that privilege?
April 4th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
Women who are personally offended when someone calls some girl on the internet fat. You’re basically admitting to being fat or ugly or fatugly. I don’t surf the internet hoping to see girls that would actually sleep with me.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
Any shithead that writes “FIRST!” in any web comments section. Hey, you were first…congratulations. Now go die in a fire.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
Tip jars in places like Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts.
If you need money to supplement your barista income, please consider growing up and getting a real job.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
@uu
Yes. On the flipside, otherwise attractive females who tweeze too much of their eyebrows off. I could never be drunk enough to bring Powder home.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Oh my God. I can’t believe I forgot to pick men with rolling luggage.
Ladies, that’s cool that you’re delicate and weak and need wheels to help move your bag of shoes and lipstick. But men who can’t fucking carry their belongings aren’t really men at all.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
Chicks with dicks.
Is it raelly that hard to pick a side?
April 4th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
People who bitch about people smoking in front of entrances. Last time I checked this was dried tobacco burning in paper…not burning flesh or leaping parasites from hell that will infect your cranium.
For christ sake…buck up!
April 4th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
People who pass me on the right while I’m driving on an interstate.
Look, I’m already driving 10 mph over the limit in the left lane, are you that anxious to get ahead of me! If you really want to pass me, drive right behind me and I’ll pull over and let you pass. Fucking Pennsylvania drivers suck.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
cc: A-fucking-men on the rolling luggage.
A-fucking-men.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
Poor gym ettiqutte. Look, I hate the gym. I only go because it (slightly) decreases the odds my wife will eventually leave me for somebody who can see his feet. So you nasty motherfuckers who don’t bring a towel or wipe off the equipment when you’re done? You should die. Those who sit on the machines between sets or workout right in front of the fucking dumbell rack or generally waste my time? You should die in a fire.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
Men that wear sneakers to work that aren’t gym teachers or basketball players.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
People who drive in the left hand lane on the interstate when no one is in the right hand land. There’s a reason it’s called the passing lane schmucks.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
Cars that take up 2 parking spots because some cocksucker doesn’t know how to properly park a car.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
John S.
Bravo, sir. Bravo.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
people who drive 65 in the fast lane. hey dickhead, if the people to your right are passing you, you are going too slow. change lanes or so help me, when i get in front of you i am turning on my windshield wipers.
…also, cops who act like they are on your level: “hey man, i was just like you once”…oh really? well i guess i dont mind you confiscating my “parephenalia” and giving me this ticket then. asshole.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
Child locks on car doors (and by extension, those windows that don’t roll all the way down). If your kid thinks it’s a good idea to open the car door at 75 mph on I-95, you are a shitty parent.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
People who go to places where you can buy pre – made sandwiches that are already in a deli case and ask if they can get the sandwich “without the onions.” There’s a place for that, dipshit, it’s called Subway. You are not at Subway, so order your sandwich and move on.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
“quite”
People write this to try and appear smarter and it does the exact opposite. As soon as I hear or see this I know that I am dealing with a tool and start to fade out.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
tracerbullet – Thank you.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
Anyone who starts a conversation with “Honestly,…” or “To Tell you the Truth,…”
If you don’t preface your sentence with that, should I assume you’re a fuckin’ lier?
April 4th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
When people use the word “yummy” to describe anything at all.
As in “Your apartment smells yummy” or “That sunset looks yummy.” What does that even mean?
April 4th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
Also, when driving on an ordinary 2 lane road, I hate the fuckers that make left hand turns, and won’t pull over into the on-coming lane (if vacant) 100 yards before the corner.
We call it a “Farmer’s Turn”. Do it people.
April 4th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
“That being said.” For some reason, this breathtakingly stupid expression is everywhere lately. The correct phrase is, “That said.” Of course it’s “being said,” you stupid shit. YOU’RE FUCKING SAYING IT. It’s redundantt and mindless and makes you sound like an uneducated asshole.
Man, I am just full of rage today. Goddamn, it feels good.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
s/b “liar”
April 4th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
Local News scare tactic stories.
Yes, I was aware that my furniture would set on fire… if I poured a gallon of lighter fluid on it as you have demonstrated.
eat a bowl of dick.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
+1’s to everyone
People that hold conversations in the gym locker room. It’s already fucking crowded in there. Get your clothes on and get on with the rest of your fucking life like a normal person.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
Complaints about improved living standards.
Oh noes! Modern life is so sterile! Yeah, well you know what? Modern life is also plague-free. You wanna reconnect with the earth? Do us a favor and get eaten by a bear, Treadwell.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
Those flowy tank tops that women wear that extend at the bottom. They make even the skinniest women look pregnant. Massive turn-off.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
When Supermike16Candles or whatever the fuck he calls himself now shows up on a Jamboroo or Balls Deep post just to clown the Gay Mafia. Do you really need attention this badly? Go jack off in a library.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
People pretending to be an important person in an online chat
I can’t believe Phil Hughes logged in to ask Eric Karabell if he’s going to win 20 games this year?!?! Amazing!
April 4th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
Child abuse in public places. Look, I’m not one to judge, and I’m generally a “live and let live” kind of guy. But if you’re going to smack the shit out of your 3 year old for crying about being hungry, could you not do it in the middle of aisle 3 at Wal-Mart?
Also, if you look up, you’ll find food on the shelves. Instead of hitting your son, try feeding him.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
people who chew their food with their mouths open should have their teeth removed one by one by a drunken Hell’s Angel with rusty pliers.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
fans who wear dresses/ shirts and ties to football games
/Cupid has spoken
April 4th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
I’m sick and tired of girls walking around with their clothes on.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
Not keeping score at youth sports because the parents don’t think it’s healthy for the kids.
Are you fucking stupid? Every kid in that game knows what the score is, and the kids who “win” are happier than the kids who “lost” the no-score game. EVERY KID knows EXACTLY what the score is.
But the kids have to suffer because a group of parents who were to slow, or too uncoordinated, or too dumb, or too whatever to be good at a sport got together in one spot and want to have their children avoid the ugly embarrassment of losing a GAME.
Hey, that’s life dickhead. Winners and losers. If you never learn from your losses, you’ll always be a loser.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
UGG boots. You know, those suede boots with all the fur? Perhaps on a tall Scandanavian girl they’d look good, but they’re always on 5′ 1″ stubbies. Lady, you look like Gimli the dwarf. Either buy an axe or wear real shoes.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
People who don’t pull all the way up to the car in front of them at stop lights, stop signs, or leave about 10 car lengths between them and the car in front of them while driving in the city. Fuck those people, fuck them right in the ear.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
People who feel the need to sing or rap along, OUT FUCKING LOUD with the song on their ipod. You know all the lyrics to Big Pimpin? Good for you fuckface, now kill yourself
April 4th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
The Backwards “R” In Toys “R” Us. Let’s start breeding ignorance from a younger age. That 16 year old single mom had the cards stacked in her favor from the get go.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Punch Rockgroin, you made me laugh out loud.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
mdt- it’s usually the same girls who wear the pregnant shirts that are also wearing the Ugg boots.
I can’t stand when people start a sentence with “I feel like…”. I always want to say “I feel like you can shut the fuck up” everytime I hear that. God dammit, people, how hard is it to be assertive?
April 4th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
I may be alone here. But go to any Baseball game (and yes, I go to Fenway so the douchery is probably in higher concentrations) and there is the one guy that wants to start the wave to “support the team”. He will spend the next 2+ innings turning back yelling at everyone to do what he does, while ignoring everything taking place on the field himself. And, if by some fucking chance, there are enough retards attending the game (see: Fenway) to humor him and stand up screaming “wwwweeeeeeee”, and the wave comes all the way around, the amount of satisfaction on this cumsticks face makes me want to commit a hate crime.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:21 pm
everyone who says “anyways”
the word is anyway, there is no S on the end, fuck everyone who says it, you’re wrong
April 4th, 2008 at 1:21 pm
Building on my first post…
People who have a psycho-babble explanation for everything.
You knew Spitzer would do something like that when he was outwardly so against it.
Yea? Maybe his wife was a frigid bitch who would not consider the working end of a blow job unless Catharine MacKinnon came over and co-wrote a doctoral thesis on how it empowers women.
Look at that car that guy is driving. He is obviously compensating for a small penis.
Yea? Maybe he just likes nice cars and can afford them. Perhaps you should pay less attention to him and more attention to the jobs you are not getting because you are “overqualified” and won’t “sell out.”
I could go on and on and on, but, you get my point.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
people who deny evolution or who think autism is caused by vaccines. go get a new strain of TB and spend the rise of your life whining and coughing up your lungs.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
People who mutter in the theatre about the number of trailers before a movie.
I happen to like trailers, but it’s more annoying because it’s a trite complaint. Might as well bitch about the quality of airline food.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
people at the craps table that think there is a proper technique to rolling dice. Just throw the fucking things.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
great pick on the dolphin’s logo flubby. the helmet covers its blowhole, how the fuck is it supposed to breath?
people who throw cigarette butts on the ground. rot in hell.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
When people honk at me for no reason. Like when I’m pulling out of my driveway and i’m clearly stopped to let your slow ass pass me. And you honk anyway!?!? I want to jump out of my car and stab you in the neck with your own windshield wiper!
April 4th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
Littering. Even a bear knows better than to shit in its own cave, you fetal alcohol syndrom-havin’ motherfucker.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
@john john – Amen on the jaywalker. Jesus that pisses me off.
My next one may be out of place in such a topic of discussion: people who just bitch. Like that person at work who thinks they’re sarcastic, but they’re actually just a whiny pussy.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
Oh thank god a forum for this.
The automated message the phone company leaves at the end of your cell phone voice mail.
It’s 2008, we all understand the concept of leaving a message at the beep. I don’t want to fucking page you, I don’t fucking want to leave a callback number, and I’m not interested in your other options. Just beep and stop with your stupid scam to tack an extra minute of usage onto every call where I leave a message.
Fuck that.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
@ quiet strength- like all of us are doing right now?
April 4th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Gum. I’d rather walk over one hundred butts than one wad of discarded gum. Grow up and get a real vice, twats. I recommend heroine, I hear its slimming.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Fat women/girls in bare midriff shirts and tight pants.
What the fuck is that about? Do you think that anyone wants to see your muffin top? Take my word for it; we do not.
I am sorry if society’s insistence that only thin women can be sexy causes you self-esteem issues, but I don’t see why you have to make the rest of us suffer with you.
Greatest draft ever.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
1. people who talk about what people wrote on facebook to those people.
jon: yah and then youwrote that you thought it was stupid
mar: yah I did
kate wow
I hate you all get something to do in your life.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
I am gonna pull out my inner feminist on this one and pick people who disparage fastpitch softball as a sport. Granted I am biased because one of my two jobs is coaching a fastpitch team, but jesus is that shit difficult. All these dudes I know talk shit until my 15 year old pitcher blows them away.
/emasculation
April 4th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
Jumps on blogs
/looking your way, Deadspin
April 4th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
“You’re not going to eat that, are you?!” No, I’m going to jam it down your pie hole and piss on your grave.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
@matt – Not really, this is in response to the question “What is your pet peeve?” I’m talking about people who just do nothing but bitch all day, every day. And think that you care.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
I hate when I pull up to the corner and my bitches ain’t got my money.
I’m in my nice warm truck and them bitches gonna make me get out in the cold and hit one with my shoe.
/pimpin’ ain’t easy
April 4th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
Earth Hour. I know MMP hilariously went over this on Monday, but really was it anything more than a smug act of self-satisfaction among liberal middle-class white people? Unlike driving a hybrid, which has become less of a smugness option because it actually save you lots of gas money, this was nothing but a way for people to feel good about themselves and seem like they were saving the Earth. And they have the nerve to hold it during March Madness!
April 4th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
twoeightnine, you ganked that “women who get offended at a girl on the Internet being called fat” pick right out from under me. The reason girls act all indignant about men judging women on their bodies is they’re secretly afraid they won’t measure up. If objectification of women bothers you, DON’T FUCKING BUY INTO IT.
Since that’s gone (I can’t believe this is still left!), I’ll take the use of U, R, 4, etc. as substitutes for actual words in text messages or IM. Type in the whole word, goddamn it. I have such a powerful visceral reaction every time I see it… that shit drives me nuts.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
not actually spelling words out in emails and texts. (OMG!, LOL, LMAO). Fuck. You.
also, using the caps lock for everything.
STOP YELLING AT ME VIA THE INTERNET!
April 4th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
wat r u complaining 4 ftrmrs??
April 4th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
futuremrs – I can not believe I did not type that. That is, truly, one thing that really gets to me.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
When people go up or down one floor on the elevator. It just took you more time to wait for the elevator than it would have taken to walk one flight of stairs you lazy fat fuck. whenever the elevator stops at 2 on the way down I just want to punch whoever is on the other side of the door in the face.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
When Gregg Easterbrook refers to himself as “TMQ”. No, dipshit, TMQ is the column you so smugly write. They’re called pronouns. Use them.
Plus, his brother is an asshole.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
When people send you an email and then immediately follow it up with a phone call or a visit.
I WILL ANSWER YOU WHEN I HAVE THE FUCKING TIME.
No Smirre, asswhore!
April 4th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
Team curses.
Guess what? The Red Sox didn’t win the world series forever because they weren’t good enough. They then BROKE THE CURSE!!!
The Cubs haven’t won the world series because they suck. Or have sucked. Forever. Not because of a goat.
My Texas Rangers haven’t won a PLAYOFF SERIES. You know what curse that is? Sucking.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
i know this horse has already been beaten to death, but i really fucking hate people who act like dialogue from the first 20 minutes of “juno” is funny and/or quoteable.
for movie dialogue to be quoteable, it has to be at least partially relevant to the situation. for example: i am perfectly comfortable using out “don’t tell me my business, devil woman!” from billy madison, because it easily applies to real-life situations (i.e. a woman tries to tell you what to do in a certain situation), and it’s a funny line, so long as it doesn’t become overused.
however, “i’m on the hamburger phone” does not and will not ever be applicable to any situation i or any other norman human being will encounter. on top of that, it is self-conciously cute and quirky. i fucking hate it.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Just got back from Vegas, and my peeve is:
People that give gambling advice but don’t bet it themselves, then they complain that they didn’t or tell you afterward how you screwed up.
i.e. You should take the Giants… 6 hours later… I told you you should take the Giants. Then why didn’t you fucking bet it!
i.e. Watch the 7 win this one… 2 minutes later… Look at that, 20 to 1. I always pick the winners when I don’t bet. Then fucking bet the 7 next time! I’ll give you the $2 if you never talk to me again!
i.e. I told you you shouldn’t have hit that 16. I just knew he had a 5 under that Queen. Couldn’t you look for a seat in the Keno room!
April 4th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
Crocs. They’re uncomfortable, come in ugly-ass colors, and look good on no one. Fuck crocs.
/second stupidest type of shoe next to Uggs.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
Elitists. The beer, music, movies, or books I like are too superficial? Fuck you.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
One word: “Supposably.”
FUCK. YOU.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
People who criticize your driving while you are driving them to wherever they need to be.
Nothing makes me want to drive them into on coming traffic then that.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Remixes. The original song was just fine. Write your own song to fuck up with a disco beat, DJ AM.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
saying that anyone is “preggers” should immediately result in your sterilization.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
The misuse of the the term literally.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
Worse than slow walkers are those who just stop walking in the middle of the sidewalk for any reason other than … no, there is no good reason. I’m a pedestrian — this is tantamount to stopping dead in the middle of the freeway to do some rush hour sight-seeing.
Also, as a man (in a manner of speaking, at least) who owns and uses rolling luggage, let me justify my existence on the grounds that (1) the luggage was free and (2) 99 per cent of the time, I’m using it after getting into the Port Authority at 6 a.m. after 10-12 hours on the Greyhound, crushed into a seat beside Aunt Jemimah’s less attractive sister or a procession of other such mutants. I’m tired, I’m sore, and the fact that there is not a teleporter from the terminal to my destination is a burden on my soul. If I could hire a young Polynesian boy to carry my luggage, I would, but alas.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
people who misuse the words “then” and “than.”
i’m smarter then you
THAT DOESN’T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE
April 4th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
People who stop at every fucking stop sign in a parking lot. They post those fuckers every 20 feet, there’s no reason to stop unless someone is actually crossing the road.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
bikers wearing all their tight ass bike outfit garb, I think drew wrote about that once.
And I absolutely hate when people try to jaywalk when there is a crosswalk no more than five feet away from them. Then they go ahead and give you looks when you don’t wait for them to pass. I almost punched out some college aged douchbag who called me out for not stopping. Prior to that, I was thinking of punching him out for his popped collar. ooh…I hate popped collars on polo shirts, makes me SO ANGRY!
April 4th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
This should be a fairly unrelatable pet peeve but I am going to pick people who talk about the Cooperstown as the birthplace of baseball. Guess what asshat, it’s Pittsfield, MA
/Blatant Homerism
//Not a Boston sports fan.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
people who argue with me about the word ‘irregardless’. it’s not a fucking word, asshole.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Remakes. Originality is hard. boo hoo.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
I hate the way (99% of) people in Rhode Island drive. Seriously, fuckers, buck up and pay attention: (i) a two way street without cars coming in the other direction does NOT magically transform into a wide one-way street, (ii) I don’t care if the guy on the other side of the highway could be your cousin, DO NOT RUBBERNECK or I will bash your skull in for the amusement of the gawkers behind us, (iii) if you are in the left lane and the right lane is passing you, get the fuck over, (iv) alternatively, do not use the right lane to pass if the left lane is open or moving fast – that is both dangerous and stupid, (v) get off the cellie, put down the make up, quit fiddling with your hair, look ahead, (vi) red lights = stop (this is not a joke, this is not optional), (vii) stop signs = stop, not slowly-roll-halfway-into-the-intersection -almost-killing-everyone-there (argh!!!!), (viii) if you hit my nice new car, scraping two feet of paint onto the bumper while it’s parked in the parking lot (and you don’t leave a note!) I hope you choke on a fist full of staples (both of you), (ix) it is never okay to turn left from the right lane (ever), (x) I reference all other driving-related pet peeves by incorporation. Don’t believe RI drivers are the worst in the States? http://www.projo.com/news/content/projo_20050527_drive27.262ec6e.html
And they are freaking PROUD OF IT. My son is learning to drive in Connecticut.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
“Your” vs. “You’re” isn’t that complicated. It just isn’t.
Here’s how it works:
I question your education.
You’re not very well educated.
Wow was that tough.
April 4th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
Managers and supervisors who claim ownership of things they don’t own, they merely operate.
“My branch” “My lab” “My stockroom” “my store”
How about my taint, you cunt.
April 4th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
assholes who come to a complete stop in the fast-pass/ez-lane. even my 9 yr old kids knows why they call it the “fast lane”
April 4th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
dammit greg i was about to say that
traffic cops, fuck you if i was going 10 or 15 over, the road was empty and no one was around and i’ve got 5 more hours to drive but it’ll only be 4 if i get to go faster, fucker
and drivers in Ohio, guess what fuckers, the left lane is the fast lane, it’s bad enough your state’s speed limit is 55 90% of the time, but if you go 45 in the left fucking lane and don’t move over when i flash my lights at you a hundred times, i will run your sorry ass of the road, BUCK YOU FUCKEYES
April 4th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
Rich people who bitch about affirmative action.
April 4th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
@ mutumbo
Your retarded
April 4th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
right on Marcus, I went to college in RI and I can say they suck at driving out there.
April 4th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
The use of the term “y’all”. I don’t think it’s been taken. I don’t care if it’s a common term where you come from. Just speak english. It’s such a stupid fucking term, I hate everyone who uses it.
April 4th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
People who take their infants/toddlers to the movies.
I understand that I have to deal with children in attendance if I go see an animated movie or a HP movie, but if I’m watching Bruce Willis blow shit up or Jason Statham kick ass, I DO NOT want to be distracted by your child’s crying or talking. If you can’t find a baby-sitter, then STAY HOME.
April 4th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
College professors that think “dialogue” is the answer to all of life’s problems.
Shut up and do something other than your research, prick.
April 4th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Big Daddy Drew –
I was going to use this space to list sex in the city as a pet peeve. However, I think it could be in a class all by itself.
Knowing your affection for the show, where do you place it?
April 4th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Technology Snobs – The reason I don’t own an iPhone is because I can’t afford one on my civil servants salary, not because I enjoy using inferior technology, dick.
April 4th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
@Rant
Exactly! My retarded… cousin? Father? View on politics? Taste in porn? Love of muffins?
(And yes, I know you’re on my side here)
April 4th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Joke answering machine messages.
I work part time in a call center (NOT as a telemarketer) and every time i call a phone that has some douche saying, “hey, What’s up? What? i can’t hear you! Hahah Got ya.” I want to track them down and beat them mercilessly. Douchebags, you aren’t that funny, and it is clearly not an original idea. Just say your name or something like a normal person. Fuck.
April 4th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
quietstrength – What about rich minorities who still claim entitlement to affirmative action?
April 4th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
along your line john john
Apple snobs, fuck your computer, phone, music player, everything, your condescension makes me want to throw that giant fucking hammer through steve jobs’ fucking face
April 4th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
the slashy
/hates everyone who overuses what was once an interesting way to convey information/feeling, but now has become an easy way to identify bandwagon, circle jerk douche commenters.
April 4th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Those huge square-framed glasses that some “hipsters” are now wearing (at least at my school). It’s not ironic, it’s just stupid… you shouldn’t be wearing those if you’re under 70.
April 4th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
@mutombo:
You may as well add “there” vs. “their” vs. “they’re” to your list.
I used to be offended when private school douchebags badmouthed public education. Then was born the internet.
April 4th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
anyone who hates the word y’all
fuck you myamoto’s chin, i’d rather say y’all and you all, you guys, or youse guys, it is a beautiful word, like a snowflake on a kitten’s nose
April 4th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
@john s – What about them?
April 4th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
The misuse of the the term literally.
That is an excellent pick, UU.
“Let me get orientated here.” Not a word. Die.
Also, I’ve seen allegedly intelligent people confuse “faze” and “phase.” Don’t get me started, homegirl.
April 4th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
quiet strength – equally enraged with them?
April 4th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
* “than you all, etc.” not “and”
destroying argument…sniffle
April 4th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Groups of drunken women in bars singing along to the jukebox in unison.
April 4th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Ok, this might be inappropriate, but I fucking hate guys who throw used condoms on the floor. That’s DISGUSTING. PUT IT IN THE TRASH CAN.
April 4th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
When women refer to their spouse as their “hubby.” I hope you are fucking sterile, you stupid cunt.
April 4th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
all reality television (with special hatred for “talent” shows)
If you watch American Idol, Dancing with has-beens and you are male – you must have your cock chopped off.
April 4th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Same thing with the tampons.
Please do not throw them up on the ceiling whilst saying “Thwipp!”
April 4th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Hell no. If it’s there, then use it.
April 4th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
even worse futuremrs?
women who demand you wear a condom, what baby? i’ll pull out
April 4th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
When people call athletes warriors or throw the term hero around.
Last time I checked warriors were people that fought wars and heroes were people that did something truly heroic.
April 4th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
Women with long ass finger nails that feel like it’s okay to tap your fingers on the desk.
I’m looking at you, secretary lady at the front desk of the doctor’s office.
April 4th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
Toe socks.
April 4th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
@bambi: Let me clarify, if you’re in the states, feel free to use “y’all” in everyday conversation. It annoys me when I’m there, but I deal with it. Just don’t come to my country and use it. And using it over the internet? You aren’t in a fucking saloon, it’s not hard to type “all of you” or something that doesn’t sound retarded.
April 4th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
“Please do not throw them up on the ceiling whilst saying “Thwipp!”"
- @ John S -
Wherever it is that you go to meet women, may I please come with you the next time you go there? I loves me some whimsical hos.
April 4th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
fan-boys of any technology item (Apple vs. PC, Xbox vs. PS3 vs. Wii).
fuck all of you and your pseudo-religious wars.
April 4th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
Don’t Stop Believing by Journey. That song sucks first off, and secondly its a favorite former fratboys, douchebags and their At the same time it is also a blessing because it imediately points out to me exactly who I don’t want to talk to at the bar.
My friend Ali once described it as Catnip for preppies. Can’t think of a better comparison
April 4th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
Sufjan Stevens and anyone who listens to him. What an insufferable piece of shit.
April 4th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
Along the ‘literally’ line…
Ironic Vs. Coincidence. Every sportscaster should learn the difference.
April 4th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
Amen futuremrs. A-fuckin-men
April 4th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
whowillsex – Edna Mahan Correctional Facility for Women
April 4th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
All the lesbians who wouldn’t dance or go out with me in college.
April 4th, 2008 at 2:38 pm
How about when you’re driving and the car in front of you decides to make a right turn and procedes to slow down to .01 mph in the process of turning. Get. The fuck. OUT OF THE WAY.
April 4th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
Work people CC:’ing the whole world when they have a complaint – which is usually proven wrong or unjustified.
In which case, the apology or admission of error is sent ONLY to you, leaving you to explain to your bosses why the copying party is an uninformed douche in the e-mail sent previously.
April 4th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
Groups of shrill girls who go to Adams Morgan (or any similar bars) for bachelorette parties, complete with crowns and matching shirts. Arriving at Angry Inch in a limo does not make you look less trashy, it makes you look like a stupid slut. I don’t know which is worse, when the girls are like 22 or when they’re 36, but both are fucking sad.
April 4th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
women who wear Yzerman jerseys who I don’t know.
April 4th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
The “Soulja Boy” dance.
April 4th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
Restaurants that hire models as waiters/waitresses, who then act like they’re doing me a favor by taking my order. IT IS YOUR JOB. I don’t care how pretty you are, I will feel free not to tip you. And, if you were really that hot, you wouldn’t have to be waiting tables.
April 4th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
Along the waiter/waitress line, the guy that leans down real close to take orders, like I’m confiding in him my deepest secrets.
You stand back there, I’ll sit here, and there will be no trouble.
April 4th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Cuddling. I hate cuddling. I hate it! If I cuddle, I can’t fall asleep. It’s cool that you’re naked and junk, but it’s 8:00 AM on a Saturday and I want to go back to sleep, and my face is in your armpit. Stay on your goddamn side of the bed!
I also hate holding hands. I think I might actually be a dude.
April 4th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
Future Mrs.
You are not a dude. You are an enlightened woman doing the guy a favor.
April 4th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
1. Dining companions who can’t decide what the fuck to order, and who make the waitress stand there like an asshole while they examine every last fucking item on the menu, including the soft drink list and the breakfast menu, even though the restaurant stopped serving breakfast 7 hours ago.
2. Motherfuckers who write “people that” instead of “people who.” “I want to meet a man that treats me right.” No, Brianna, you want to meet a man WHO treats you right.
April 4th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
People who won’t own up to a fart. Someone ripped an awesome fart at lunch today but no one would claim it. People fart dude, have some pride.
April 4th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
When some chick gets made that you came in her mouth after you promised not to do so.
/Not paying attention to that promise about 2 seconds after you started blowing me.
April 4th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
mad, not made
/dumbfuck
April 4th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
“When people call athletes arriors or throw the term hero around.”
@Upstate Underdog -
Goddamn right. The cheapening of the word “hero” makes me want to shoot myself in the kneecaps.
April 4th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
The phrase “equally as.” Use one word or the other, not both. I’ll kill you.
When I saw this draft my immediate reaction was the elevator thing, but UU snagged it with the first comment.
April 4th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
Potholes.
April 4th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
More jaywalking:
I can’t stand the policy in New England towns and college campuses where pedestrians crossing the street have the right of way. What kind of fucking sense does that make?? Who the hell decided that the faster and heavier object should have to cede to the smaller one? It’s bad for both safety and efficiency.
Not to mention that it gives pedestrians a false sense of stature. Sure asshat, just walk right out into the street without even fucking looking. Don’t even worry about the possibility that I might be momentarily distracted. Or maybe I don’t come from a place where they have stupid and irrational laws, and therefore might not be prepared to slam on my brakes for stupid assholes wandering into the middle of the street at all times.
April 4th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
People who use the word “standpoint” like: ‘From my standpoint…’
Just say it!
April 4th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
@ futuremrs – AMEN, sister.
April 4th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
Oh – and when people say “utilize” instead of just saying use… you’re not smarter than me
April 4th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
Poorly-dressed men with attractive women. I used to see this all the time when I lived in Las Vegas and it drove me up a wall. She’d be out in a new dress, with her hair and nails done and she’d be looking fierce. Then she’d be standing next to some worhtless schlub in dirty jeans, a promotional or “funny” t-shirt and some broke-ass tennis shoes. Take a shower and put on some decent clothes, you worthless sack of shit. Have some goddamn pride.
April 4th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
Having to keep the thermostat set to whatever temperature the sissy guy in human resources can stand.
It’s a chill day outside, man. Dress accordingly.
April 4th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
People shitting on the Nationals just to make themselves feel better. You know what, assbag? I know we’re not the goddamn Red Sox, and the team is only a few years old. They played much better than all the “experts” predicted last year, and we’re holding our own so far this year. So, fuck off. I’m sorry if you cheer for the Orioles, or the Pirates, or whatever team made you this bitter and resentful, but please shut the fuck up and let me enjoy being a fan of my team. (Apologies for mentioning baseball.)
April 4th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
Pens that ruin pants.
April 4th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
not knowing the difference between:
-i.e. and e.g.
-capital and capitol
-ensure and insure
-principal and principle
I could go on.
April 4th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
I just realized that small talk hasn’t been taken…that’s weird.
April 4th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
Fans who show up at an event that doesn’t include their favorite team yet they feel the need to wear their team gear anyway.
Like when a Met fan shows up at a Phillies vs. Marlins game wearing a Met jersey. Why the fuck are you there? Noobody fucking cares that you’re a Met fan.
April 4th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
People using their cell phones while going to the bathroom. As the budwieser guy would say … “dude!?”
April 4th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
Here’s one….and it is the only time you will ever hear me reference that stupid fuck Jeremy Piven…..people who wear the shirt of the band they are going to see.
We get it you like the band. You are here. If you didn’t like the band you wouldn’t be here listening to loud music. Stupid Cockwhore.
April 4th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
I’m with you tony the tiger, but i’ll take it one step further. There seems to be a recent trend of slowing down in the right lane when a perfectly good right turn lane or zone is available. I think this trend started with the advent of SUV’s, but i have seen many cars trying it as well.
If there is a fucking turn lane or zone, don’t fucking slow down in the going straight lane, dumbass!! Get your ass into the turn lane!
April 4th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
my pet peeve? every last one of you
April 4th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
I have to pick the DC Subway rider that will stand in the doorway of a crowded car and make people squeeze past them to exit. Just fucking step off, let people get out and then get back on dickweed. Sucking in your gut doesn’t make you any less a pain in the ass to get around.
April 4th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
Assholes who sign on to blogs, only to start arguments and are not legit commentators (i.e see the Withleather post about the Fenway hawk today). These are sad and angry people. Coincidence that they usually tend to be Boston fans?
April 4th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
People who don’t know the difference between it’s and its.
Remember: it’s means “it is,” as in “It’s raining.”
Do NOT write “The horse broke it’s leg.” (The horse broke IT IS leg?! Are you crazy? That makes no fucking sense!)
To anybody out there who screws this up, I will hunt you down and kill you where you stand!
April 4th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
This might be a sensitive subject but fuck it.
The fact that if a white person says nigger its racist, but black people can use it as a term of endearment.
Or how about this. Can I sing Ludacis’s Grammy Award winning song last year that says nigger or nigga 20+ times. Can I, as a white man, sing along with any rap or hip hop song that uses the term nigger or nigga. Doubtful.
BTW. Im not a racist (I’m not) – it just pisses me off.
April 4th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
Massholes.
April 4th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
People that don’t know what “beg the question” actually means.
April 4th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
People that talk as loud as possible on their phone after they’ve boarded an airplane. Then, as soon as the landing gear touch the runway, they are already calling their office and acting all tough and shit. This really applies to anywhere in the airport.
April 4th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
@289: Nice Product placement, I might have made that a hyperlink if I were you.
In the same vein as the Irish, the fact that all my coworkers can use the term whiteboy to describe me all they want, but godforbid I say anything descriptive about any of them outside of their clothing. Fucking social work.
April 4th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
people who stop at a red light in the crosswalk when they are going straight through. it fucks every one up; pedestrians, people left turning on to the street, people in the right turn lane next to them who can’t see. just stop 4 feet earlier, jackass.
April 4th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
one more airport comment: why can’t people figure out that what is metal on them before going through the metal detector? There is absolutely no reason that thing should beep if you know what you have on. And, no, you can’t take a bottle of water through there you dipshit.
April 4th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
Internet lesbians. Saying a woman is hot is cool. Saying you have a thing for red heads or would totally go down on that girl when you know both statements are not true but you want the lonely men on the internet to worship you is not.
April 4th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
having the hot stripper called to the VIP room just when you are about to get a dance from her. bitches
April 4th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
Well said john john the bastard.
I supervise at the Post Office and one of my (black) employee had a problem with me and call me honky, multiple time. I called my superior (who is also black) and when he came down to see what the problem was. The women called me a honky again, in front of him. Well, he cracked a smile and started to laugh. I asked him if he thought that was funny and wanted to know what he was going to do about this due to the fact we have a “Zero Tolerance Rule” about racist act at the Post Office.
Nothing was done. He took the employee for a walk around the building and returned to tell me forget about it.
GOD FORBID I use the word nigger/nigga/sambo or any other choice word I could think of. I would of made the news.
April 4th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
Bad grammar/spelling/Ebonics/etc.
I had a buddy in college, who used to roll through all the stop signs to “instill the fear” in the douchebags who crossed without thinking about looking, crosswalk or not.
Not signalling/drivers who speed/not knowing how to drive/etc.
Oh, and at least for me, my ex-wife really bugs me. Skank.
April 4th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
People who take pictures of Ground Zero as if it some kind of goddamn tourist attraction.
Oh A-fucking-men.
During the 2004 Republican convention, this nearly reached an epidemic level.
Hey, douchebag in the American flag cowboy hat and fat bitch in the glitter shirt — I had friends who died here. Wipe the smiles off your faces. It’s not fucking Disneyland.
April 4th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
Irish,
In what non-racist circumstances would you call anyone “nigger?”
April 4th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
@Drew – remixes commissioned by the band that did the original are worse. It’s like admitting you were wrong.
@undead zombie horde – oh fuck. I have to correct people who fuck up “accept” and “except” every damn day.
The female screech. You know this sound: woman sees her good friend in a bar, screams so loud even the drinkers at the bar down the block can hear her, and the friend does the same exact screech before they hug.
People who nag smokers about how bad it is for their health: yes, I know this is going to kill me and I don’t care. Shut up or prepare to have this cigarette put out on your arm.
April 4th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
A similar thing happened to me Irish, except the words of choice were cracker and other terms alluding to my judaism and my supervisor’s response was, “Well you ARE white”
April 4th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
Cigarette moochers: I’m not giving you one if I don’t know you and you’re not an attractive female, so don’t ask.
April 4th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
slothrop,
Good question.
Not sure, but I would like the freedom of the option.
How about as freely as I would use the term asshole.
What if I want to sing along with a N.W.A. song?
Can I even say what N.W.A. stands for?!
April 4th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
along with the guy who said he hated “preggers”, the phrase “we’re pregnant” or any variation thereof makes me want to projectile vomit.
also, “baby bump.”
April 4th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
I’ve got a few that haven’t been mentioned…
- Girls who call other, much hotter girls sluts just for showing a little skin. Even though they’d probably wear the same thing if they weren’t 20 pounds overweight.
- Music snobs.
- Athletes who guarantee a victory (it was cool about 20 years ago, now we’ve had enough of that shit).
April 4th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
I’m sorry, but people actually get upset at being called “honkey” or “whitey”? Really?
Here’s a clue — if George Jefferson said it on a sitcom forty fucking years ago, maybe you shouldn’t get your panties in a wad about it.
April 4th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
Guys who don’t drink beer.
April 4th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
People who claim weed is a gateway drug.
April 4th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
Add me to the list of people who hate the misuse of literally.
I remember Jim Grey in the N\Final Four a couple years back saying to Mateen Cleeves, “Your teammates were literally feeding off you tonight!”
You’re a moron, Jim. Literally.
April 4th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
@otto, or “he literally carried the team on his shoulders tonight.”
either Micael Kay or John Sterling said that one. I can’t remember I get awful announcers confused sometimes.
April 4th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
otto man,
Two words – Archie Bunker
April 4th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
People who while driving (a car, mind you, not a freakin’ SEMI-TRUCK!) go out of their lane and into mine as if their vehicle has the inability to avoid catching a curb during the turn like said 18-wheeler.
Stay the fuck in your own fucking lane!
April 4th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
I’m slightly breaking rules by putting more than one thing in here, but this is my only planned post.
1. Pop culture references. Congrats, you recalled something you saw in a movie or heard in a song. It’s not fucking funny. And it makes you Bill Simmons
2. People who are too fucking lazy to lift up their feet and scuffle down the sidewalk. That noise is grating enough to me that I want to go up and punch them in the lower back.
April 4th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
Two words – Archie Bunker
I must’ve missed the episode where he was dropping the N-word.
April 4th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
Otto Man, Touche, I was using that as the least directly personal instance of racism at my job which I hate. To be more specific, I was passed over for a new job which I was literally (proper usage) perfectly qualified for and the job was given to a young lady who is presently undergrad at university of phoenix. The reason when asked what I could do to possibly move up the answer was “Start going to church or become black.” So I figured bitching about being called a cracker was slightly less direct.
April 4th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
Girls who give handjobs instead of blowjobs. If I wanted to be jerked off I’d do it myself. Unless you’re really good at it, it fucking hurts.
April 4th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
Also I forgot to pick the word Hater. Only people who cannot handle jokes at their expense use that word.
April 4th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
People who put backward slashes in their comments.
/fuck that
April 4th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
@john john and irish – I’ve been there too and it definitely sucks. But I would say just file an official complaint and call it a day. There’s enough racial tension.
April 4th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
Two things about dudes:
1. When hot guys turn out to be Republicans.
2. When guys are dismissive to or intimidated by girls who like sports. (On the bright side, it’s a red flag that he is a total douche, so I don’t waste any more time being interested.)
April 4th, 2008 at 4:56 pm
i think most of mine have been covered, but i do have one that might be unique to my gym. i hate it when guys in the locker room:
1) sit bare-assed on the benches. you have a fucking towel, take 2 seconds and put it down before pressing your wet asscheeks on the only seat available. i could blow out a knee and still not want to sit on those things.
2) blow dry everything. and i mean EVERYTHING. there are guys at my gym that stand in front of the mirror blow drying their balls. you have a fucking towel! actually, that should be my motto for the gym.
April 4th, 2008 at 4:57 pm
+2 Grimey…toe socks and soulja boy in draft garbage time is genius.
I’m getting three out of the way here, so I can leave work with a clear conscience.
- The phrase “baby bump”. Who invented this ridiculous statement and why does every gossip show and shitty celeb rag use it ad nauseum?
- The assholes in rush hour who you let merge in front of you and don’t wave. The “merge and wave” is a timeless road-tested nicety. I’ll allow you to cut in front of me if you acknowledge me with a simple wave. No wave? You fucking deserve to die.
- Dog shit. I live in an area where a lot of dog owners walk their dogs. If you own a dog, you clean up after them. No fucking excuses. This goes for gum too, and every time I step in it, I pray that the person who carelessly left it there and caused me undo stress and wasted my time would get caught in a wheat thresher.
April 4th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
Last but not least, Tracey Ullman. Every show she does should just called “Tracey Ullman can do accents.”
Steal of the draft
April 4th, 2008 at 5:19 pm
I hate blow jobs that involve the woman’s teeth, more than one hooker has met her demise by making that mistake.
April 4th, 2008 at 5:20 pm
Two more and I’m out the door.
- The trend of guys tucking their shirts in just in the front of their pants….usually right behind an obnoxiously large belt buckle. It looks like you’re either too stupid to tuck your shirt in all the way, or you just came from taking a dump. Either way, it doesn’t look cool and it makes me think you’re a moron. Stop that shit!
- People who say “South Park isn’t funny anymore.” If you think it isn’t funny now, you’re an idiot.
April 4th, 2008 at 5:21 pm
People who bitch about everything that is wrong with our country and act like we are living under a Nazi regime. If you don’t like the USA…GET THE FUCK OUT!
Also people who I haven’t seen since high school and I was never friends with them yet they still come up to me in a bar and act like we are best friends now and act like they care what I am doing with my life. You don’t care about me, and I don’t care about you…dickhead
April 4th, 2008 at 5:26 pm
Irish,
I see the words “I want the freedom of the option,” but all I hear is “I am a racist and want the world to know it.” Asshole simply doesn’t have the history of institutionalized racism behind it. One might be born an asshole, to an asshole, but you can choose to behave in ways that prove to others that you are not an asshole.
If you’re white, you don’t get to say the all the cool words your blacks friends use. Sadly, it is a double standard that may never change. But I think whites’ greater natural buoyancy makes up for this loss, don’t you?
April 4th, 2008 at 5:29 pm
That was absolutely fucking hysterical. I gotta give props to the “You’re So Vain” one, but they were all funny.
April 4th, 2008 at 5:30 pm
Cashiers who get confused when I add an odd amount of change on top of what I’m paying (because I want a quarter back instead of a dime and a nickel and two pennies) and try to do the math in their heads. Let the cash register do the hard thinking, genius, that’s what it’s there for.
April 4th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
Claiming you have a “right” to something that you don’t have a right to.
You think you have a right to epidural despite not footing the first cent on this $8000 hospital bill for your 9th baby?
April 4th, 2008 at 5:43 pm
When your lazy butler washes your sock garters and they’re still covered with schmutz.
April 4th, 2008 at 5:50 pm
Also, when people turning right pull their cars forward to see whether there’s traffic approaching and end up going far enough forward that they BLOCK THE FUCKING LANE and everyone has to stop until they move.
April 4th, 2008 at 6:27 pm
People who make personal calls on the work phone and talk TOO FUCKING LOUD.
Yes, we know we have shitty jobs, shitty lives, and we work in cubicles. But do you have to add one more insult to the injury?
Even worse when they’re–she’s–monosyllabic about it.
“yeah…. yeah… yep… oh, good… uh huh…. nice….”
Get on your fucking cell phone that you’re so fucking proud of and take it the fuck outside.
April 4th, 2008 at 6:45 pm
Upstate Underdog reminded me of one of mine with the very first comment: I hate people who don’t get off the elevator because they think they’re being polite to let me on first. THAT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE ANY GODDAM SENSE. Get off the elevator first, dickhead, then I get on. That’s how it works. How do adults not know this? Fucking retards.
And I also second (or whatever it’s up to now) Drew’s contempt for weather pussification. I live in Texas, to give you an idea of the weather challenges we face (ie, hot and dry or kinda cold and maybe wet). A couple months ago, they told us about a cold front moving through a fucking week before it happened. Every goddam day, they told us about the cold front as if it were the unprecedented bitter cold of a Siberian winter. When it finally arrived, I think the temp went down to about 30. Maybe 25 in the outlying areas. And to top it all off, they showed clips of a bunch of local brain donors who were surprised by the cold front. They had no idea it was supposed to get cold, even though the weather people had been warning us about it for a solid week.
Whew, feels good to get that off my chest.
April 4th, 2008 at 6:51 pm
Escalator peeve (sorry if this has already been mentioned): when people get to the top of the escalator and then stand there, trying to decide where to go next. You’re in the way, dumbfuck, move! Christ…
April 4th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
two things have raised my ire in recent days.
1. ticket scalpers who post listings on ebay and craigslist and include tales of woe to prey on your sympathies. “i bought these tickets to the Kayne West show and now my wife is sick. kanye is her favorite, but she is too ill to leave the hospital. you can enjoy the tickets that we cannot. my loss is your gain. $600 each. cash only.” what the fuck? that is ten times face value? either the included story is true and you are some dumb amateur who doesn’t understand the marketplace or the story is bullshit and you are some scalper who is trying to virtually rationalize your behavior. either way, until you are asking face value or below for the tickets, lose the sob story. how about “Kayne West. $600. i need money for meth/nintendo wii/my gambling addiction/my lack of employable skills. email me or go fuck yourself.” at least that is sincere.
2. making out. can we just fuck already?
April 4th, 2008 at 7:09 pm
I’ll just say that almost all of these, with the exception of a VERY few, all annoy the shit out of me. I think I’m angry or something.
with that said, just because I recently received this and everything else has been taken, I’ll say using the subject line instead of the body to write an email. How hard is it to tab once or click the big box that’s used for text? subject lines are for subjects, I don’t want to read the whole story there. (reaching, I know)
April 4th, 2008 at 7:14 pm
1. People who call Chicago Chi-Town. It makes me want to spew and fill all 10000 of our potholes with rage vomit. It’s a fucking extra syllable to say CHI-CA-GOOOO. Only the douchefags on the top 40 FM station say Chi-Town, and idiots from
2. People who stare. It appears in the 4 years of college, every man automatically becomes a badass where they must stare down every other man that comes in their zone. Oh, you are so fucking intimidating with your 50 dollar Express dress shirt that every other guy in the bar has.
3. People who always insult Indian people by saying “lol you eat curry.” Guess, what curry is not a fucking food, it’s a spice. Go eat mayo out of a jar and listen to whatever music Pitchfork tells you to, unimaginative, bland white man.
April 4th, 2008 at 7:15 pm
People who back into parking spaces. If you’re not Batman or a transplant surgeon, you will never need to leave someplace so fucking fast that you can’t just back out like a normal person. And the fucktards who do this can never do it right and take only one space, they almost always take 1.5 spaces. Every time I see a car parked like this, I hope the driver gets ripped apart by a pack of feral dogs immediately after seeing Larry King naked.
Sometimes hatred feels good.
April 4th, 2008 at 7:21 pm
Strangers who are the same nationality as you that are compelled to befriend you. If I go to Dunkin Donuts, that means I want to gorge myself with fatty foods, not compare how geographically close our fucking families grew up. Unless, I can exploit our connection for free Munchkins, then we’re all good.
/is an embarrassment to his family
April 4th, 2008 at 7:47 pm
Lane Changing triumvirate, in order:
1. Changing into the “fast” lane that immediately slows down. The guy in front of you who was slowing you down immediately ends up out of sight. I don’t have a reason, but I hate that guy.
2. Changing lanes to pass, and the asshole immediately speeds up so you can’t get past. What, going 10 below the limit was fine up until it became clear that you were HOLDING UP THE FUCKING SHOW?
3. Trying to change lanes, when the asswipe who was hanging out in your blind spot immediately speeds up so you can’t get in, so you’re forced to slam on your brakes just so you don’t miss your turn/exit/hooker. Congratulations fucker, you win. Fuck you.
Subtle difference, but vital. Always the same result, though.
Word verification: nycccp
New York Union of Soviet Socialist Republics?
April 4th, 2008 at 8:08 pm
People who are proud they never read a book. When I was in grad school two blonde bow-heads got the elevator all atwitter that, after 4 years in college, this was the first time they had been in the library. I envisioned bashing their heads on the walls of the ‘vator until blood and brain matter decorated the whole interior. Excuse me while I go to my happy place.
April 4th, 2008 at 8:53 pm
-people who clog public toilets by using an entire roll of toilet paper to wipe their ass. if you reach wipe three or four and you’re still finger painting your ass and lower back, you need to go home and take a fucking shower.
-magicians.
-shitheads at the gym that shave or brush their teeth completely naked in the locker room bathroom. dangling your yambag in the sink isn’t doing anyone any good. especially those of us that just want to wash the sweat, boogers, and assorted gym goop off of our hands.
April 4th, 2008 at 9:00 pm
people who back into parking spaces.
Slash, I completely disagree with you. i back my car in everywhere. i shoulder check. i use my mirrors. i am only ever in one space. when i want to leave, i signal, check both ways, and turn. end of story. that way, i’m not the asshole who runs over children, backs into other cars, forces pedestrians to stop walking, misdirects drivers waiting for that spot, etc. in fact, i honestly put greater trust in people who back into parking spots because they routinely demonstrate that they have learned to properly use their vehicle.
and yes, i’m motherfucking Batman…well, in the “courtesy for others” department at least.
April 4th, 2008 at 9:04 pm
I second the hate for loud phone talkers in the office. Welcome to my fucking nightmare.
People who say they hate TV. It’s a big medium, slappy–there’s probably something you’d enjoy if you took a look. This is also entry-level pretentiousness.
Extermination camps. I am so mad at Hitler right now!
Treating a smoking break like a legitimate human need. I’m not going to warn you about the health risks because I’m glad you’re going to die sooner. PS you smell like carcinogenic ass.
Black people who kill white people. Not cool, bro.
April 4th, 2008 at 9:08 pm
one more just happened to me.
3) parents who swear in front of their own children. while talking on his cellphone and walking into a variety store with his kid, a man used the terms “cocksucker” and “shit head” in his phone discussion. i thought i was watching a street theatre version of “The Squid and the Whale”.
April 4th, 2008 at 9:45 pm
Car alarms. There’s one going off right now, and it reminded me that I hate car alarms.
April 4th, 2008 at 11:58 pm
When you’re turning right and some douchebag pulls up to turn left and completely blocks your view.
April 5th, 2008 at 12:44 am
People who stand on the subway or train platform right in front of the door because they have to get on as soon as the doors open. Blocking the dozens of people trying to get off.
As the one kid said to his friend after pushing out of the car past the fat fuck, “…..and if I punch that fucker in the face, I’m the one who’s wrong?”
April 5th, 2008 at 1:04 am
girls who wear make up, big hoop earrings, necklaces, matching sports bra/shorts and have their hair down at the gym, only to barely move on the elliptical machines trying not to sweat but still look like their working out. (we know anorexia is how you got that skinny, miss america.) these are the same people who insist they have ‘vitamin enhancements’ or ‘herbal supplements’ introducedi into their soy starfruit shit smoothie.
April 5th, 2008 at 1:22 am
I hate when people have identical twins and try to shove this in your face by dressing them alike or naming them alike. Hey, asshole, I have enough trouble telling them apart as is.
April 5th, 2008 at 2:07 am
Hey John John, I’m sick and tired of all the times on ESPN when they show the chick softballers blowin’ em by the big leaguers. It’s a total sham because no big leaguer wants to look like a total asshole for jacking the pitch and making it look easy. Everytime they do it I want them to make one of those softball chicks step in against a major league pitcher and look clueless (after fixing their hair and makeup first of course-what’s up with that, are they trying to attract a boyfriend/husband during the game?).
April 5th, 2008 at 10:40 am
Gern, I am not saying that they are better athletes than the guys or even on the same plain, I am just saying that just because they don’t play baseball doesn’t mean they’re sport is illegitimate. Also I fucking hate working weekends so that the bosses neice can get her part time hours in.
April 5th, 2008 at 11:45 am
minorities
April 5th, 2008 at 11:48 am
And just to weigh in and the whole “I can’t use the word nigger” thing. Shut up. You’re going to ruin the fun white people have using that word behind bullet proof closed doors.
So while the darkerds plan our demise in their race war, we can say the n-word and giggle like school girls.
P.S. I’m not racist.
April 5th, 2008 at 11:50 am
Another pet peeve I have is fat women. Put down the Quizno’s fatty.
April 5th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
People who say “I could care less” to show their disdain for something. The phrase is “I COULDN’T care less” you assholes! Do I need to draw you a visual aid of the “spectrum of caring” to plot where the amount you claim to care actually falls?
April 5th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
Black people (all of them) that never tip.
April 5th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
I fucking hate it when people refer to professional sports teams of which they are fans in the first person plural. Unless you’re due to get a ring if they win it all, it’s “I hope they win,” not “I hope we win,” asshole.
I do think it’s OK to use “we” in reference to a college team, as long as you’re a student or alumnus of that school. Otherwise, you are a douchebag.
April 5th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
naggers
April 5th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
Chicks with their noses pierced. You are not unique, sexy, or edgy because of it you stupid moo cow. Disappoint your father some other way you twat.
April 5th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
People who respond to criticisms about the US by saying “If you don’t like it, then get the fuck out.”
Right, let’s just accept glaring problems with the system because there are other places that have worse problems. Refusing to admit that the country can be improved doesn’t make you patriotic, it makes you fucking stupid.
April 5th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
old people in public places (supermarkets, malls…) that walk in groups that block all traffic and randomly stop/ turn making passing almost impossbile.
April 5th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
This will get me into some trouble, but…
People not from Boston who irrationally rip on the Yankees. Look, it’s been 8 years since they won anything, get a grip. The Red Sox are the new enemy.
Also, Red Sox fans who wear pink hats. You probably didn’t even know the Sox existed before October 2004, just like how the Pats didn’t exist before January 2002.
April 5th, 2008 at 6:03 pm
Wow, Im surprised no one got this one: Speed traps.
Nothing like crusin down the road with 4 or five other cars and feeling your asshole clench when you see a set of lights, feeling relieved when the guy next you gets nailed, then have 4 more cops get every single one of you
April 5th, 2008 at 9:12 pm
“epic win”, “epic fail”, “made of win”, etc.
This makes me so irrationally angry.
April 5th, 2008 at 9:39 pm
How about “I would of” instead of “I would’ve”. It is a contraction of I would have. Get it right or go straighten out a hanger and stick it up your butt.
April 5th, 2008 at 9:40 pm
How about “I would of” instead of “I would’ve”. It is a contraction of I would have. Get it right or go straighten out a hanger and stick it up your butt.
April 6th, 2008 at 9:34 am
so many swears. *shakes head*
April 6th, 2008 at 9:39 am
@JohnJohn — I would have talked to Human Resources and/or to a lawyer by now. Thanks to the phrase “hostile work environment,” they can either treat me with respect or they can cut me a settlement check. Their choice.
April 6th, 2008 at 9:46 am
And as for pet peeves, since I’m late to the party, I’ve got two.
1) “It is what it is.” Nice one, numbnuts. Every single thing in the UNIVERSE is what it is. I defy you to find me an example of something that *isn’t* what it is.
2) The War On Drugs. For crying out loud, I’m not hurting anyone, leave me alone and let me snort my Oxycontin in peace.
April 6th, 2008 at 6:28 pm
People who talk about their ex-boyfriends. Dag, no wonder he left you.
April 6th, 2008 at 6:30 pm
Oh, and guys who make marriage proposals a giant production. “So I hired three actors to pretend to be Interpol officers, and I hid the ring in a . . .” Fucking hell.
April 6th, 2008 at 10:18 pm
@clmetsfan
If you don’t like it when people say “If you don’t like it, then get the fuck out,” then get the fuck out.
Also, crippleds.
April 7th, 2008 at 1:44 am
People that say “mark my words….” or some variation of that shit.
Where the fuck should I mark it? Because your stupid fucking ass makes some simple declaration or repeats some obvious shit that it deserves to get carved in stone?
Thanks for the fucking insight, shitbird
April 7th, 2008 at 9:24 am
alliteration
April 7th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
Emasculating and generally bitchy comments directed at a friend by his girlfriend/wife while hanging out in public.
Look bitch, we’re all whipped and we all get our fair share of what you’re slinging IN THE PRIVACY OF OUR OWN F*CKING HOMES. Give your man a break while he’s in public. Or at least shut your trap so as to not make us all feel uncomfortable… you horrible wretch of a person.
April 7th, 2008 at 9:29 pm
People who walk 3 abreast on the sidewalk, and then don’t single-file themselves when I’m coming the opposite direction. I CANNOT SINGLE-FILE MYSELF!! I AM ONE PERSON!
Also, people who indiscriminately ‘reply-all.’ If someone sends an email to their whole address book all ‘This concert is coming up, who wants to come with me,’ and you have something un-concert-related to say to that person, hit ‘reply.’ Hell, even if you’re coming to the concert, I kind of don’t care, so hit reply. I don’t want 938 messages in my inbox full of your conversational shit.
April 29th, 2008 at 7:09 pm
I cAn’T sTaNd PeOpLe WhO tYpE lIkE tHiS. I know there are way more important things in life, but it pisses me off.
Racism sucks too.
And smug little assholes who feel the need to correct misspelled words.
June 26th, 2009 at 7:41 am
Who does your SEO work? Nice Job!
October 16th, 2009 at 3:16 am
I really have enjoyed reading your post – very informative and useful information without a bunch of BS!
I’ll be sure to give this URL to some friends
Thanks Again