KSK Mock Draft: F–king Terrible Songs
In this week’s draft we’re ridding the world of our most hated songs. The rules are simple: you pick a song, and it vanishes from your life. Once a song’s “artist” is selected that entire “artist’s” catalog comes off the board. Which Elton John song will it be?!
The draft order is as follows (minus Punter because he was busy olling up aces over kings and check-raising stupid tourists):
Maj
Flubby
Caveman
Drew
Ape
1. Maj: Hotel California by The Eagles
If you need any further explanation then you could also use brick to the head. This is a bigger sure thing than LeBron, Griffey, and Peyton combined.
2. Flubby: Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison.
If you hear this song at any public setting where alcohol is being served, you can be assured that in a matter of moments a gaggle of drunken women will soon be assembled to sing an off-key rendition of the chorus. SHALALALALALALALALADEEDA!!! Fuck you very much, Van Morrison. Ya drunkass mick.
3. Caveman: Benny and the Jets by Elton John
Trying to decide between this plodding monstrosity and the childish bullshit of “Crocodile Rock” is no easy task, but I think I hate “Benny” slightly more.
Ape: If for nothing else, the fact that Berman has referenced it.
4. Drew: Another Brick In The Wall by Pink Floyd
I fucking hate this song. I fucking… just… GAHHHHHHH I hate it so very much. Not only does it employ a children’s choir, but that fucking choir sings in the most obnoxious English accent humanly possible. Hearing it in my head right now makes my teeth hurt.
Maj: I think they were the same kids from Satisfaction.
5. Ape: The Girl is Mine by Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney
This is possibly the most cornball song ever wrought. From shimmery production to a chorus that goes:
The girl is mine
The doggone girl is mine
I know she’s mine
Because the doggone girl is mine
You can forget Jackson bleaching his skin and raping kids and McCartney marrying a one-legged harridan who tried to take all his money. This tarnished their legacy far, far before that. And possibly worse.
Maj: Abso-fucking-lutely
CC: Great pick. I fucking hate that song.
Drew: Can I still take a song from Wings, or is all McCartney out the door now?
Maj: Sorry Drew, no Band on the Run for you.
6. Ape: Bitch by Meredith Brooks
In the Lillith Fair milieu of the girl songstress fad of the late ’90s, this stood out as the most fake-controversial-yet-palatable-for-mass-audiences-bullshit around. The song’s message: deal with my flightiness and refusal to adhere to rational thought! Because we’re women! We’re allowed to be vacuous contradictions! But not you stupid weak men! RAWR!
Also, for all the mainstream dipshit DJs who’d introduce the track with “Oh my God, a song on the radio with the word bitch as the title? Tres outre!”
7. Drew: Paradise By The Dashboard Light by Meat Loaf
I’m still traumatized by groups of drunken women in college re-enacting all eight and half minutes of this god-awful piece of shit. Especially the STOP RIGHT THERE! part. God, it’s just so fucking terrible I can’t even put it into words. And some asshole at the bar will ALWAYS put it on, without fail. The goddamn thing never ends. Fuck you, Meat Loaf Aday. And fuck you, Phil Rizzuto. Holy cow, this song blows.
8. Caveman: You’re So Vain by Carly Simon
If it made my pet peeve list, it’s making my most-hated song list. It’s got all the same the faux-femme empowerment of “Bitch,” charged with extra bitterness and irrational justifications for being a cunt.
9. Flubby: American Pie by Don McLean
So bye, bye Miss American Pie
When they play it, people say it, until I wanna die
Don McLean I hope those royalties can buy
A coffin if I meet you, guy
That one was on just about everybody’s board. Great value pick.
10. Maj: Piano Man by Billy Joel
Fuck you, Billy Joel. You’re the fucking devil.
11. Maj:Shiny Happy People by REM
What the fuck is that song all about? I’m convinced that they were just trying to annoy the shit out of me.
Drew: Ooooh, anything by REM is a solid choice
Maj: And they say I don’t know anything about white people music…
Flubby: Losing My Religion was a late round pick on my board
Caveman: Wow, I totally forgot about REM. “Losing my Religion” was probably the first song that made me want to hurt people.
Drew: Yeah I fucking hate that song. Stand too. Guhhhhhhhh.
Caveman: God, we could do an entire draft of awful REM songs.
12. Flubby: Fergalicious by Fergie
Maj: That’s an actual song? I thought it was a commercial for Vagisil or something.
13. Caveman: Walking on Sunshine by Katrina and the Waves
I hate this song. I hate every movie that this song gets used in. I hate scenes where people dance to this song. I hope Katrina and the Waves all die horrific, grisly deaths.
Maj: Like drowning in flood water?
14. Drew: Silver Bells> by Bing Crosby
My least favorite Christmas song. I don’t care who sings it, I fucking hate it. One time, at the gym, they played an emo version of it. My least favorite holiday song sung in my least favorite genre besides country. My heart turned black.
Flubby: Ooh, I could do a whole draft on xmas songs. Starting with “Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime” by Sir Paul.
Maj: I would have picked all Christmas songs, but Ufford wouldn’t have any of that.
15. Ape: Kokomo by The Beach Boys
This song single-handedly kept me from getting into music until almost my teens. I can’t even begin to enumerate the number of ways I hate it. But, I was just given one more not too long ago: it inspired possibly the worst parody song ever. And they play it all the time at the stupid divey karaoke bar I go to. This song was a No. 1 hit? Proof positive of America’s cultural bankruptcy. Fuck you, Mike Love.
Holy shit, nobody drafted We Built This City!!!
Add your picks in the comments, but play by the fucking rules! That means waiting ten selections before picking another song. And no picking “anything by [blank]” because that’s something Drew would do because he’s a dick who has most certainly not listened to all 7,431 shitty Grateful Dead songs.
April 11th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
Coldplay - Clocks(or anything)
It really doesn’t need an explanation. If you’ve heard it, you know.
April 11th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
Ob-La-Di Ob-La-Da by The Beatles.
I love the Fab Four, but this song is just fucking stupid.
April 11th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
Anything by the Dead.
HA!
April 11th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
“Since U Been Gone,” by Kelly Clarkson.
Maybe he wouldn’t have left you if you weren’t a doughy squash-faced midget in too-tight pants.
Also, learn how to sing in the bottom of your range so your songs don’t a) break my eardrums and b) inspire the shrillest of shrill singalongs by drunk chicks at parties.
And the use of “U” over “You” in the song title? DO NOT FUCKING WANT.
God, just THINKING about this song makes me need a Tylenol.
April 11th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
That Titanic theme song by Celine Dion.
April 11th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
I was actually just thinking about the worst songs ever, and remember that “We Built This City” won the honors. No way is that song worse than “I Got My Mind Set On You” by George Harrison. That song is, by far, the blackest, stickiest, stinkiest piece of shit ever made. It’s so bad, it destroys all the great work that Jeff Lynne (the producer of the song) did with ELO, including the greatness that is “Telephone Line.”
April 11th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
I Feel Good- James Brown. For a long time, it preceded almost every comedy trailer (which may have been a good thing since it gives you a heads-up to avoid the piece o’ shit.)
April 11th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
Even Jesus hates “higher” by creed
April 11th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
“Kryptonite” by 3 Doors Down. This song still gets played on the radio like it’s in the pantheon of great rock songs of the new millenium. I want to rape this band.
April 11th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
hero - chad kroeger. FUCK YOU AND FUCK NICKELBACK
April 11th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
A city built on rock and roll would be structurally unsound.
April 11th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
“I Shot the Sheriff” by, well, anybody. Let’s say Clapton.
Besides being a shitty song, it earns bonus points for tarnishing the careers of so many different musicians.
April 11th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
@matt: there’s a great spinal tap-ish band called Satanicide that does a hair-metal cover of the celene song. it almost makes the existence of that song worth it. almost.
April 11th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
“Nookie” by Limp Bizkit
Fuck you MTV for making these guys popular back in 1999/2000.
April 11th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
anything by sarah mclaughlin
April 11th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
My fist would like to crash into Dave Matthews Band
April 11th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
“I wanna be sedated”, The Ramones.
You know what? Wearing a Ramones t-shirt doesn’t make you a tough guy. It makes you a dip shit college sophmore who thinks he listens to tough guy music.
(I actually hate the people who wear the shirt more than I hate the music, but if the band goes away, so do the shirts.)
April 11th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
Every Generation by Journey
mainly so no one else can be a douche and say “Don’t stop believing” which shall remain played throughout the land forever
April 11th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
‘Spoonman’ by Soundgarden
The absolute worst song that was someone inexplicably popular in the 90’s.
Somehow Sirius’ 90’s rock station poisons the air daily with it.
April 11th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
With the Dead off of the board, and millions of otherwise wasted lives now saved, I am following up with anything by Phish.
For God’s sake, Miles Davis can jam for ten (10) minutes or so and pull it off. Phish does not have the collective talent of one Miles Davis. Accordingly, their attempts at “jamming” for over thirty (30) mintues are incresingly horrible on an expodential scale after the four minute mark.
Damn I hate that band. I mean, the Dead were bad enough, but, to be a knock-off of the Dead is a special type of bad.
April 11th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Until it Sleeps - Metallica.
Never has the release of a single disappointed so many so quickly.
April 11th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
Glad to see Metallica gone.
Fucking corporate whores.
April 11th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
Wow. I’m truly, truly amazed no one jumped on “For Boston” by the Dropkick Murphys in the first round. Are you guys forgiving Boston already? If so, hurrah.
I have literally hundreds of songs I could draft. I’ll take “Hands Open” by Snow Patrol. Really, I could take any Snow Patrol song (particularly ones associated with Gray’s Anatomy), but this song mentions hooking up to Sufjan Stevens in the lyrics, and I fucking hate him too. I can’t imagine a worse fate than having to hook up while listening to Sufjan Stevens, unless it were having to hook up while listening to Snow Patrol sing about Sufjan Stevens.
April 11th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
How did no one take “Our Country?” by cocksucking JCMellencamp? That’s mine. Enjoy it for the next 20 years, fuckers.
April 11th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
Don’t Stop Believing by Journey. Heresy or not I fucking hate that song and everything it brings with it.
April 11th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
This Love - Maroon 5
Really you can take any song by this shitty ass “band” simply because their lead singer’s voice makes me want to rip out my eardrums.
April 11th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
The Final Countdown by Europe. I want to shove ice picks into my eardrum simultaneously any time I hear that song.
April 11th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
“Satisfaction” by Britney Spears.
No explanation necessary.
April 11th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
Mickey by Tony Basil drives me up a f’n wall to hear that chick screech
April 11th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
ummm hello sweet caroline - neil diamond….
April 11th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
i dont know what the song is called but its by Phish. The tires are the things on your car that make contact with the road… that songs ARGGGGHHHHHHH ihate you so much!!
April 11th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
I say a little prayer - Burt Bacharach
Forever and ever this song will not be in my head no more
April 11th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
“Hey Jealousy”, The Gin Blossoms.
I actually use the Gin Blossoms as a standard of measurement. As in, “I hate_____ like it’s the Gin Blossoms.”
April 11th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
Urgent, by Foreigner. urgent, urgent, urgent, emergency. see how urgent my love can be. i think this is about premature ejaculation, but i’m not sure.
tough call over hot blooded and cold as ice. open for debate…
/other ben
April 11th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
“Gold Digger” by Kanye. I love the guy, but that song has GOT TO GO (Chris Rock voice).
April 11th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
Seriously, I’m surprised my pick is still here. I thought it would have been a top 10 pick.
Who Let The Dogs Out - Baha Men
April 11th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
More Than Words by Extreme.
Only song ever for which I’d HAVE actually change the station. And, I have terrible taste in music.
April 11th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Ooh boy, this draft is right up my alley. In my senior year in high school I was one of the morning teenage DJs at the radio station at my school. Yeah, I got an A+ just for playing bad techno and disco music and awkwardly reading AP news stories over the air. It was fun, they never counted me tardy as long as I got the music playing on time, and I heard enough bad music to last a lifetime.
My first pick is “MMMBop” by Hanson. That’s not just a song that gets stuck in your head; it haunts you. It is evil, and I would get physically ill whenever I saw it on my playlist. Like other boy bands, I hope they got molested by their producer.
April 11th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
@ Ape
‘And they play it all the time at the stupid divey karaoke bar I go to.’
And we should give a small shit what you think about music?
April 11th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
I’ll be taking Happy Birthday now.
April 11th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Im Taking, “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” by Drowning Pool mainly cause I never want to see another trailer with that song in it again. My God, do they think thats the only song in the world!!
April 11th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
And I’ll take “The Boys Of Summer”, too. Especially the Ataris version, which makes me want to die.
April 11th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
“Beautiful Day” - U2
Any positive qualities about this song were totally torched by Simmons and the Patriots.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
BDD - that is a damn steal of a pick. there was Birthday party at the office yesterday and that confirmed to me that people singing Happy Birthday is the most socially awkward moment in business.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Achy Breaky Heart - Billy Ray Cyrus
The question is, if his daughter did a cover of this song would it be better or worse?
April 11th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
“Hey There Delilah” - Plain White T’s
If I never hear this P.O.S. again it’ll be too soon.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Breadline by Megadeth. It’s one thing to pick a song from an artist whose songs all suck (Billy Joel), but there was a time when Megadeth rocked out. Breadline (or really anything off of Risk) was not that time.
This song sounds like it was written for Barbara Streisand
April 11th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
I know what mix tape I’ll be sending KSK on their 2-year anniversary.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
“Breakfast at Tiffany’s”.
I assume further detail is redundant.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
Lawyers in Love Jackson Browne
Mind-blowingly retarded.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
The I Wanna Be a Rockstar song. What a douche.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
“Time Of The Season” by The Zombies, and any other cliched Boomer rock dogshit from the fucking Forrest Gump soundtrack.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
R-E-S-P-E-C-T - Aretha Franklin
Ever feel your boner retreat into your colon when you see white women dance in a circle? Thank this song.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
Sir Mix-A-Lot’s “Baby Got Back.” I hate that song and neither can I nor will I lie. You others cannot deny that you hate this song as well.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
“The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald” - Gordon Lightfoot
Lots of ships have sunk, what makes this one so goddamn special? Some dude with a pornstache sank about it?
April 11th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
The fucking Masters theme. and I love the tournimint.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Anything by STYX… especially ‘come sail away’. i fucking hate late 70’s to early 80’s arena rock bands.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Nearly 70 selections gone by, and no one took a song sung by the lovely retarded women that grace the top of this post? Okay, here’s another vapid yarn I was forced to thrust upon the cursed Seattle-ites:
“Wannabe” by the Spice Girls. Big boobs do not justify that nonsense.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
It should be noted that “respect” is 100% acceptible when sung by Otis Redding
April 11th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Stairway to Heaven.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
How has Madonna not died from Hepatitis?
Oh, if I have to pick one, it’s “Vogue”. Or “Fever.” But to be honest, my least favorite Madonna song is probably any sung Madonna ever sang.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Billy Joel has been mentioned but not picked?
Innocent Man - Billy Joel
Whiney bitch
@wwsm
Deep Blue Something?…Torpedoes away! Great Pick!
April 11th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Electric Slide-by what’s his face- best…steal…ever…
Do I really need an explanation for this one?
April 11th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
No “Radar Love”?
In the words of GOB, COME ON!
April 11th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
One Shining Moment by that douchebag that ruins the NCAA Tournament
April 11th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
Steady as She Goes by the Raconteurs. When that album came out I was psyched, and what did I get? Jack White singing a fucking Maroon 5 sounding song.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Dancing Queen by Abba. Children exposed to Abba get Downs Syndrome.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
“Barbie Girl” - Aqua
April 11th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
“bleed it out” by fucking linkin park.
my ipod died this past fall and was forced to listen to DC101 on the way home from work everyday until I couldn’t take it anymore and got a new one. do you have any damn idea how many times that song was played during the 5pm drive home? pissin’ me off just thinking about it.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Baby Mama by Fantasia Barrino. It is an immense achievement for a girl who can’t read to spell baby I guess.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
“Proud Mary.” Can. NOT. Fucking Stand. (Especially when sung by “talented” 5 year olds on daytime talk shows.)
April 11th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
Aww, come on, Ben. What are white girls at fratty bars supposed to get freaky too if they can’t pretend they have big asses for 3 1/2 minutes?
Just kidding. I fucking hate that song too.
Damn, “Hey There Delilah” was a good pull. I’ll take “Misery Business” by Paramore. Jesus, I hate that band. My roommate listens to that shit EVERY GODDAMN MORNING while she gets ready for work and it makes me want to chop off my nipples like John Kruk in that ATHF episode.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
Bugs by Pearl Jam.
Band is good. This song is the worst ever. I recommend you avoid it at all costs. The only redeeming quality is that it is so bad that it never got air play.
Word verification was “ick”. That’s uncanny.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
“Hang tough” - New Kids on the Block.
These fuckers ushered in more than a decade’s worth of crap.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
“Toxicity” by System of a Down.
Hate hate hate hate hate that band.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
“The Impression that I get”, The Mighty Mighty Bosstones.
Hey, I liked them as much as the next guy in 1992. The plaid was a cute “hook”.
That sound you heard at register #3 in 1997 was The Bosstones selling out, kids.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
“beautiful people” - marilyn manson
Forever responsible for turning fat awkward kids into fat awkward kids who wear make-up. The irony is stupifying.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
Steve Miller Band- “The Joker”
The wah usage makes my liver bleed.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
“Bullet with Butterfly Wings” - Smashing Pumpkins
Pretentious title, annoyingly angry and repetitive chorus, terrible singer, what’s not to hate?
April 11th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
Toastie- you just yoinked me so hard. How gay a name is Chester Bennington?
Ill take Thnks fr th dkinmyass by Fall out Boy
April 11th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley.
You’re welcome.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
I’ll take “Happy to be stuck with You”, Huey Lewis and The News, for the win.
(Although “his earlier work has been compared to Elvis Costello”.)
April 11th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
“My Humps” by the Black Eyed Peas.
Query: Since Flubby took Fergie (that sounds funny), does that eliminate not only herself, but the band she once belonged to? Really, this song is so awful that a special provision should be made. (If it is disallowed, then I choose “The Theme to Aladdin.”)
April 11th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
@futuremrsrickankiel: Pretend?
“Are You Gonna Go My Way” by Lenny Kravitz. Overplayed to hell.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Nothing makes me change the channel faster than the opening bars of a Pearl Jam song.
KSK, do you realize you’ve wiped out 80 percent of the playlists for every classic-rock station in the United States?
April 11th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
I don’t know if it’s Whoomp There It Is or Whoop There It Is and I don’t know who does it, but I’m taking it so I can eradicate it from the public record.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
@franklin
Every first date I’ve had since they came out, I ask the girl if she likes Dave Matthews Band. If the answer is yes, I cut my losses right there.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
I just called to say I love you.
Makes me think of death. dunno why.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
“Zombie” - The Cranberries
I don’t hear it much anymore, but I’d rather not take the chance that some shit DJ will revive it.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
damn, as soon as i think of a song it’s being taken. i’ll have to go with Paralyzer - Finger Eleven. they used to rock in the late 90’s and while Paralyzer was ok at first, the fact that it’s played every half our on 5 damn stations makes me hate it ever so much. that and the video reminds me of the commercial for STDs where the people were spreading the virus’ via interpretive dance.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
“You’re Beautiful”-James Blunt
How did this fall so far?
April 11th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
How the hell has Margaritaville stayed on the board so long?
April 11th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
The Time of your Life: Green Day
I want to bloddy my knuckles to the bone every time I hear it.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
Really. The Macarena. How did it last this long?
April 11th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
every rose has its thorns by poison.
Their tour bus can’t flip over on them? Their helicopters can’t crash into mountains? They can’t all od?
April 11th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
That should read:”I want to bloody my knuckles to the bone every time I hear it.”
typo due to trembling with hatred.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
hey john john you bastard follow the rules, you can’t take any journey, i already removed them from the board so you couldn’t take that song specifically, muahahahah
April 11th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
“Close to You” - Karen Carpenter
I’m drafting on behalf of my brother-in-law who had this song chosen by my gay father-in-law during his photo montage at his wedding. Grounds for divorce if you ask me.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
Colin Hay - “I Don’t Need You Anymore”
There’s a reason this song never became popular. It’s not even funny bad. It’s just fucking terrible.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
Grimey, I’m saddened by your earlier pick… I hope it’s not the Creedence version of Proud Mary you’re eliminating from our collective musical canon.
“Sk8er Boi,” by Avril Lavigne. I almost threw up on my keyboard just typing out the spelling of that. Moreover, I loathe the perpetuation of pathetic high school cliques via music. SHE WORE POLO SHIRTS. HE OCCASIONALLY WORE BAGGY PANTS. WHAT AN UPTIGHT BITCH SHE MUST BE FOR NOT DATING HIM.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
@flubby: Not Margaritaville… Pina Colada-burg! Son of a son of a bitch!
Down here in Spring Break country, we’re all ready for “Low” by Flo Rida to die
April 11th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
“Your Body is a Wonderland” - John Mayer
I’m amazed this or “Daughters” wasn’t taken sooner. Mayer’s kind of a paradox. He seems like a decent dude, but his songs are all douchefests.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
“Party Hard” by Andrew W.K., or as I know it, “The Song That Compels Me To Hit The ‘Start’ Button On Madden 2003.”
April 11th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
“I Will Always Love You”-Whitney Houston
This song is the equivalent of aural estrogen.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
“If I Had a Million Dollars” - Barenaked Ladies
Barenaked Ladies: great concept, shitty band.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
Satisfaction by The Rolling Stones.
They suck.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
What’s Up - 4 Non Blondes.
I used to date a girl in college who played that fuckin’ abortion on a loop. Over and over and over and over, until finally, I yanked the tape out of the stereo and threw it against the wall. Needless to say, we didn’t last much longer.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
@futuremrsrickankiel: Sorry, I have to get rid of them all. My hatred of that song knows no bounds. You don’t hear me complaining about losing “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.”
April 11th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
Since we’re somewhere around Round 12, this is a great value pick: “Ice Ice Baby” by Vanilla Ice. He made MC Hammer look hardcore.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
Gwen Stefani song where she sings the shit is B.A.N.A.N.A.S. I want to meet the record execs who green lighted that project.
So Angry!!
April 11th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
“Let Her Cry” - Hootie and the Blowfish
hercules rockefeller’s story reminded me of a guy down the hall from me in Tech School who played this song on a loop. My ears bled.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
Beethoven’s fifth was a piece of shit.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
As a rule of thumb, a good way to get me to leave your party is to put on “Jump Around” by House of Pain.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
Soulja Boy by Soulja Boy.
This may be the 2nd worst song in history after American Pie.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
Post-Danzig Misfits:
Once a band loses it’s founder/singer/songwriter/lyricist everything has a tendency to, you know, fall to shit.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
“Life Is a Highway”-Rascal Flatts
Terrible song not even written by this terrible band who is way too popular right now. Now they are marrying Playmates and beauty queens while I am forced to listen to this shit because my son likes the Cars movie. Fuck them and their stupid fucking highway.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
I would nominate the entire LFO catalogue, but “Summer Girls” deserves special recognition for its onerousness. This song is musical HIV - sure you can live with it, for years on end maybe. But some day you are gonna sing “Every Other Time” out loud and be instantly pummeled by the fists of angry, threatened rednecks.
Let’s just sample from verse three, shall we:
Like the color purple,macaroni and cheese,
Ruby red slippers and a bunch of trees
Call you up but whats the use
I like Kevin Bacon, but DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE
April 11th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
walklett,
Q: What’s brown and sits on a piano?
A: Beethoven’s First Movement.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Damn you Bambi. I didn’t even see that in the rules. How about I replace that with Bed by J. Holiday.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
I’m going to have to go with “Honky Tonk Badonk-a-donk” by Gigantic Fucking Redneck
April 11th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
Can we get agreement on all things Michael Bolton be taken off the board?
Surely this mephitic banshee has damaged our ears enough in this lifetime.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
Soul Coughing. Pick a song.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
@hank scorpio
As long as My Insignificant Life can keep his avatar, consider it done.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
That stupid Holler Back or whatever song it is where Gwen Stefani teaches idiots how to spell the word BANANNA.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
“Go for Soda” by Kim Mitchell.
If you’ve never heard this song, consider yourself blessed.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
@naptown.
Pictures good. Music bad.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
cyclone - baby bash. she may move her body like a cyclone, but this shit and his voice makes me think i’d rather poke my eyes out with dull spoons.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
Love Shack: B-52’s
you’re welcome.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
Livin’ on a Prayer - Bon Jovi. ugh
April 11th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
“Milkshake” - Some Chick
I don’t think I need to explain this one.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
Loving You, by Minnie Ripperton.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
I could pick any song by The Offspring, but “Pretty Fly for a Whit Guy” holds a special distinction for me.
MTV was interviewing the band about the song and asked why they picked Redman to guest on the track. They answered that they were big Wu Tang fans.
Apparently they weren’t big enough fans to realize that he WASN’T IN THE FUCKING GROUP!!!!
The Offspring = Poser Douchbags
April 11th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
“Since you’re gone”, Matchbox 20.
When you get right down to it, Rob Thomas is sort of a giant god damn homo. And it’s contagious. Listen to any song he ever wrote. You’ll be jerking off dudes in the men’s room by end of day.
At least, that’s what the dude who tried to jerk me off at the port authority said to get out of his desk appearance ticket.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
“Goodbye Earl” by The Dixie Chicks.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
“Drops of Jupiter” by Train FTMFW
April 11th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
“West End Girls” by the Pet Shop Boys. I’m surprised there is still so much lousy music from the 80’s on the board.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
sugar ray - fly, four post bed, etc. theyre all awful. even worse than when they were just a shitty pseudo punk band with crappy songs like RPM
April 11th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
The “Grease” medley. You know the one. They play it every day on that station your parents listen to. When the DJ plays it at a wedding, it’s my aural cue to go double up on the ol’ drinky-drink.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
“Country Grammar”-Nelly
I have a special brand of hatred for rappers who draw inspiration from childrens’ songs Like “Down Down Baby” or Old McDonald.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
“You’re Beautiful”-James Blunt
How did this fall so far?
I just got back from lunch, otherwise, it would have been long gone.
My pick: Anything by Josh Groban. Definitely play that if you don’t ever want to get laid.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
“Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” - Aerosmith
It was hard to choose just one, but that is the absolute worst. Even if it was used to good comedic effect in Blades of Glory.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
I have two.
“Sugar, We’re Going Down” - Fall Out Boy
I can’t begin to explain how much I fucking hate Fall Out Boy. But this song is the worst of the worst. I fucking hate this band, and I really hate that lead singer’s fucking tam hat.
“Screaming Infidelities” - Dashboard Confessional
Awful, awful song.
April 11th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
Friday I’m In Love by the cure (or maybe it was just cure at the time)makes me throw up in my mouth a little. the scream/squeal thing towards the end also makes me want to rip my ears off and feed them to mike tyson for dinner.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
YMCA: The Village People. How this lasted this long, I dont know. Regardless its fucking gone.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
The Time Warp - Rocky Horror Picture Show
I despise this movie and all songs and people associated with it.
/looking at you tim curry
April 11th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
“Umbrella” by Rihanna.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
“Electric Avenue” by Eddie Grant. You’re gonna rock down to electric avenue? Great. Please stay the fuck there along with your cable access music video. Your song makes me want to stab everyone you know.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
Biggus Rickus may have just won.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
“8675309 (Jenny)” That’s too easy, but you know you all hate it too.
@Chamomiles: What’s brown and sits on a haunted house? Scooby’s Doo.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
“Jock Jam Megamix”
With one fell swoop I’ve just eliminated some really pathetic artists and human beings, including convcited pedophile Gary Glitter and somehow Chris Berman.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
Sorry, gotta pick two newer ones:
“Sexyback” by Timberlake and that fucking horseshit “Don’t You” by the Pussycat Dolls.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
What has seven arms and sucks?
Def Leppard.
Pour Some Sugar on Me.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
Drops of Jupiter, Train
Yeah, the words are english and they do rhyme, but the lyrics just don’t make any fucking sense. Yet no one calls them out. The lead singer is in my top 5 guys I want to punch in the face.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
Gone ’til November - Wyclef. God, I fucking hate that song.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
Yo, I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want, So tell me what you want, what you really really want, I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want,
So tell me what you want, what you really really want, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really wanna zigazig ha.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
(I’ve Had) The Time Of My Life from the Dirty Dancing Soundtrack.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
Forever Young. Rod Stewart. Your Welcome.
and c’mon chief. Eddy Grant was the tits.
Oh, no!!!
April 11th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
Eminem - My Name Is
Luckily, the universe has sorted itself out and he’s now the 200-plus-pound pill fiend he was always destined to become.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
Speaking of Aerosmith; does someone want to explain to me how the fuck they get an entire Guitar Hero game dedicated to them? What the fuck? For fucks sakes they weren’t relevent 10 years ago let alone now. GGGRRAAAHH!
April 11th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
“She Will be Loved” - Maroon 5
Nobody took them yet, right? I think rules should be bent and just throw out their whole catalogue anyway.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
@ Grimey
Damn it, off the board. That being the case I’m going with “Music” by Madonna for the same reasons.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Rod Stewart’s “Forever Young” is the NAMBLA recruiting director’s pysche-up song you know.
Prolonged Rod Stewart exposure violates at least three articles of the Geneva convention.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
“I Had a Bad Day”-Daniel Powter
Guess what? Your day is about to get much worse because I’m going to stab you to death with a bowling pin.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
OH. The Guitar Hero comment just gave me my last pick. “Carry On Wayward Son” by Kansas. I used to be in a cover band and I had to sing this shit for drunk retards at every goddamn show, and I HATE IT.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
@john s.
What I really, really want is for the Spice Girls to be buried alive in a common grave.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
OMC “How Bizzare”. The only part anyone knew was “…buy the rights!”
Total. Assgarglers.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
This draft is awesome.
“Athena” by The Who.
“Athena, my heart felt like a shattered glass in an acid bath
I felt like one of those flattened ants you find on a crazy path
I’d have stopped myself to give her time she didn’t need to ask
Was I a suicidal psychopath?
She’s just a girl
She’s a bomb”
Now that’s fucking retarded. They should have packed it in back in 1978 when Keith Moon died. Fuck Pete Townshend right in his deaf ear.
(One other thing: between “lyricsfreak”, “lyricsmania”, “lyricsdepot”, can we have one fucking song lyrics website that doesn’t have 10 popup ads and looks like it was coded in 1994?)
April 11th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
Anything by Ozzy that post-dates No More Tears…and that’s pushing it!
April 11th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
“Redneck Woman” by Gretchen Wilson.
Now no single mom under the age of 25 can have a good time out with her friends.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
Umm… amazing value pick here:
Escape (The Pina Colada Song)
I don’t like the fucking rain… that’s why I live in SoCal. It’s cold and wet and very uncomfortable to be caught in the rain. FOAD.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
There is nothing more annoying than that “Tainted Love” song. That song makes me want to murder housepets.
It’s official: Soft Cell loves taint.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
Alanis Morrissette - Ironic
A-thank you.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
“Wild Wild West”, Escape Club.
(Kool Moe D’s version is ok though).
April 11th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
Anything by Thievery Corporation. People actually go their fucking concerts? Listening to their music makes me feel like I imagine a lobotomy would feel. To repeat, if you don’t want me/any halfway cool girl to take my/her clothes off, then by all means, play their music.
@naptown drew: I love all of your picks. You keep stealing mine!
April 11th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
@jeff k
http://www.metrolyrics.com
April 11th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
@ whowillsexmutombo
Did you ever notice how every single song they came out with had the word “scared” in it? Fucking douchebags.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
Lady Marmalade
This song makes me want to fill my mouth with bee’s and light myself on fire.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
“Wonderful Tonight”
I waited tables at lots of weddings.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
“What If God Was One of Us” - I Forget
Not only does this song suck, but I suspect it inspired the shitheap that is “Joan of Arcadia.” If you have proof that I’m wrong about that I don’t care and will remain willfully ignorant.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
@ Smurphette -
I think I speak for everyone when I ask, if I want you to take your clothes off, what music should I play?
April 11th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
Whoever You Are - Geggy Tah
This was out right around the same time as that fucking “Breakfast At Tiffany’s” song by Deep Blue Something and was even more annoying. This might be the worst band in history.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
“Downtown” - Petula Clark
If you know this song, it needs no further explanation.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
Bartender by T-Pain. The fact that I have to listen to Hot97 has ruined this crap for me.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
Right Here, Right Now. Jesus Jones should have been crucified for his little bicycle hat alone.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
Donna Summer - McArthur Park
The whole “Cake in the Rain” lyric made my head explode. Plus it is a crappy ballad/disco number.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
@wwsm
“I Touch Myself” by the Divinyls
/sorry, I couldn’t help it
April 11th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
Don’t Blink by Kenny Chesney
This song is on every time I get in the wife’s car. Fuck. Me.
no, no , no wait…DON’T Fuck me! Kenny Chesney…NOOOOOOOO!
April 11th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
Sweet Caroline is by far the steal of the draft. It is the worst song to hear in a bar full of drunken college age chicks who love to yell out the “Bam Bam Bam!” part at the top of their lungs.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
Free Bird.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
“The Future’s So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades,” by Timbuk3. Every teen-aimed movie from the 80s and early 90s had this fucking song in it. Fuckyou and your cheery uplifting lyrics!
April 11th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
“I Wanna Sex You Up” - Color Me Badd
I’m sorry. It just came to me. I beg your forgiveness.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
Dancing on the ceiling by some 80’s jackass
Look asshole you are NOT dancing on the ceiling but if you want to defy gravity Ill gladly launch your ass off the end of my foot
April 11th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
@ the chief - I’m glad someone killed LFO.
Hip Hop Marmalade spic And span,
Met you one summer and it all began
You’re the best girl that I ever did see,
The great Larry Bird Jersey 33
/gouges eyeballs out with a pencil
April 11th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
if I want you to take your clothes off, what music should I play?
Now THAT would make a good mock draft.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
I don’t know if this was prevalent at other college bars, but everytime some band would cover Sweet Caroline in Penn State the drunken revelers would scream “SUCK MY DICK” after the singer would utter Sweet Caroline.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
Damn, a bit slow on the draw… I was so going to take that Tell Me More song from Grease. Every wedding/Bar mitzva/anything I’m at where they play that makes me want to take on Glondoor in a stone circle death match while slaming my genetailia in a file cabinet drawer. So I’ll go with something that gives me a less viceral reaction.
My Pony by Ginuwine. The constant burping in that song makes me nauseous.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
“Time After Time”-Cyndi Lauper
Single-handedly made me happy my school dances didn’t start until the 90’s. Also eliminates “Girls Just Want to Have Fun.”
April 11th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
@ patrick
That was Lionel Richie. Damn, how did he last this long?
April 11th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
“I Will Survive,” aka “The Gay National Anthem,” aka “Songs Even Women in Stable Relationships Get Excited To Sing.”
April 11th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
“Electric Slide” - I Have No Idea
If you ever want to collect royalties on a shitty song indefinitely write one for white people to dance to.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
One is the Loneliest Number - Three Dog Night
Lyrics:
One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do
Two can be as bad as one
It’s the loneliest number since the number one
These might be the stupidest lyrics in history..it was like they made it up as the song was playing.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
@wwsm: My musical taste is not too different from the Maj’s, actually. But I’m not picky. Mainly I just really hate songs sung by Groban/Blunt/Powter types. Luckily, if a guy likes that kind of music, I probably wouldn’t be talking to him anyway, so it usually works out.
@futuremrs: Fuck and yes.
And for my next pick, I’ll take Bills, Bills, Bills by Destiny’s Child. Guhhhhh.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
@Smurphette - I don’t think anyone here is interested in how to make the Maj take his clothes off.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
No Total Eclipse of the Heart?
Let’s see- Horrible lyrics? Check!
Singer sounds like she chugs Drano? Check!
Godawful video that has nothing to do with the song and is is lightly pedophiliac in nature? Check!
Just enough of a hook that you can’t escape it even after you’ve stabbed your ears with q-tips until you’ve got BloodBurns? Check!
April 11th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
“For What It’s Worth”
There’s something happening here… your song eats ass.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
Celebration
Makes me want to go postal… and when I hear it at a wedding, I can only hope the newlyweds get divorced for playing that song.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
I missed a round or two, so here goes: Walk like an Egyptian, Cotton Eyed Joe, Shout, and Natural One by Deluxxxxxe Folk Implosion
April 11th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
@mike barton: Congratulations, you just killed off the best part of Old School
April 11th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
I will take “Together Forever” by Rick Astley, just so Rickrolling can survive
(Seriously, we all must like that song.)
April 11th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
No Rain - Blind Melon
It’s a goddamn shame that such a great band is pretty much only known for such a shitty song.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
“Bubbly”-Colbie Caillat
You will “crinkle your nose” when I shoot you in the face.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
How is “Everything I do, I do it for you” still on the board?
April 11th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
My lip gloss is poppin’ - My lip gloss is cool
/draws back hammer
/pulls trigger
April 11th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
“Always” by Atlantic Starr.
“Let’s go make a family.” Shameful.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
If I pick “Put Me in Coach” by John Fogerty does that take the entire Creedence catalog off as well? If it does, then I rescind the pick. However that song is a musical abortion every time I hear it before a ballgame.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
has anyone taken firestarter by the prodigy? if not, thats my pick. if so, chumbawumba.
i take a whiskey drink! i take a vodka drink! and when i have to pee, i use the kitchen sink!
April 11th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
Stuck in the Middle With You by Steelers Wheel.
can ya hear me?
April 11th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
@wwsm: I just meant that you can’t go wrong with quality hip hop.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
“Radio Ga Ga” - Queen
This is pretty much the best representation of why I hate ’80s Queen.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
has anyone taken Firestarter by The Prodigy yet? if not, thats my pick. if so, chumbawumba…
I take a whiskey drink! I take a vodka drink! And if i hate to pee, I use the kitchen sink!
only good that ever came of that song.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
I don’t actually know the name of the song or who sings it. It’s one of those angry at the English, Irish songs.
Go on home British soldiers
Go on home
Have you got no fucking homes of your own.
For 800 years, we fought you without fear
We’ll fight you for 800 more
Many of you have complained about the groups of drunk girls singing in bars. While annoying (and I admit that I’ve been one of those girls), it can’t be anywhere near as painful as a group of drunk, angry Irish men singing this piece of shit OVER and OVER and OVER.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
Fight for Your Right (to Party)
And To the 5 Burroughs is almost as embarrassing an effort as this piece of shit. (Ch-Check it Out isn’t too bad).
April 11th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
Steal of the draft alert!!!!!!
500 Miles - The Proclaimers.
Fuck.That.Song.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
“Bad Boys” - By Mase and Puff Daddy
Need I say more
April 11th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
I, like Big Daddy Drew, have county music at the bottom of my musical totem pole.
“I Love This Bar” by Toby Keith. You can take your dirty ass hat elsewhere, you hick.
April 11th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
@dick g
True steal
/falls down at your door
April 11th, 2008 at 3:59 pm
“This is Our Country”-the Coug
Just because you’re from Indiana doesn’t mean I have to like you. In fact, I hate you and your shitty fucking song which exploits patriotism in the name of selling Skeeter his shiny new junk-hauler. Have fun getting raped at the gas pump, bitch.
April 11th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
Mother by the Police. I think the Police broke up because Stewart and Sting punched each other in the face for letting Andy get this song on Synchronicity.
April 11th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
Who is “Toad”, and what the fuck is a “Wet Sprocket”?
April 11th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
@naptown - I think This Is Our Country was taken earlier in the draft.
Unbelievable by EMF. Truly unbelievably bad music.
April 11th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
@ the people that drafted the Cougar “This is Our Country Song”
I hate that song so bad that I went out of my way to convince my boss to not buy Chevy Trucks for the company.
April 11th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
I am torn between “Shout” by Tears for Fears - which epitomizes a kind of annoying unearned righteousness that only Tears for Fears could approach; OR
“Land of Confusion” by Genesis. Holy Fuck, not only is that song annoying, but the video scarred me beyond acceptable 1986 standards. It was like having your nightmares produced by Jim Henson on crystal meth. God I fucking hate Genesis.
April 11th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
Sorry I’m late to this party. Ape’s first pick - “Bitch” by Meredith Brooks - is spectacular. If I could, I’d totally throw that chick in a wood chipper.
April 11th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
@hank scorpio
Fuck! You’re right. I thought I had a steal. Oh well, at least I got to let some of the hate out of my heart.
April 11th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
Damn, Mr. Ritchie was next on my shitlist.
@naptown drew: Hmm, metrolyrics.com is fugly but better than the others–thanks.
I’m surprised no one has started “wikilyrics” since everything has a freaking “wiki” now.
April 11th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
three hours later i can still pick up the Friends theme song by the Rembrandts. Winner.
\other ben
April 11th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
Friends in Low Places - Garth Brooks
No words describe my hatred of this song and the drunken singalongs that inevitably accompany it.
April 11th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
@the chief
“Do you like Phil Collins? I’ve been a big Genesis fan ever since the release of their 1980 album, Duke. Before that, I really didn’t understand any of their work. Too artsy, too intellectual. It was on Duke where Phil Collins’ presence became more apparent. I think Invisible Touch was the group’s undisputed masterpiece. It’s an epic meditation on intangibility. At the same time, it deepens and enriches the meaning of the preceding three albums.”
Which reminds me-”Hip to be Square”-”Huey Lewis and the News
April 11th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
“I’ve been to Nice and the Isle of Greece while I’ve sipped champagne on a yacht… I’ve moved like Harlow in Monte Carlo and showed ‘em what I’ve got.”
“I’ve Never Been to Me,” by Charlene. I could never figure out if this chick was serious. No one could possibly write that and not know it was a joke.
April 11th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
“Heard It Through the Grapvine” - CCR
I love the song, but this version is just an abomination. There’s way too much dicking around on guitar and Fogerty’s voice annoys the fuck out of me.
April 11th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
Cher “Believe”
Can’t believe that vapid whore is still around. I chose that one because I hear it at the store all the fucking time.
(There IS a lyricwiki.org. Well I’ll be damned.)
April 11th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
Anyone remember the Steelers Super Bowl song when they played the Cowboys in the 90s?
It went something like,
“Here we go
Steelers,
Here we go.
The Steelers are going to the Super Bowl!”
Should have never existed. And clearly it traumatized me.
April 11th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
“Because I Love You (The Postman Song)” - Stevie B
One of the most irritating voices in the history of radio. They’ll just give anybody a recording contract, won’t they?
April 11th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
I am making this pick a little sooner than I should but I select:
“Gonna Fly Now” composed by Bill Conti with lyrics by Carol Connors and Ayn Robbins (thank you wikipedia).
Growing up south of Philadelphia, this interminable song has been used in some capacity for every sports-related pep rally or jackass news segment at the Philly Art Museum (someone will run those stairs, you know) since that marble-mouthed palooka Stallone laced up the gloves.
Worse yet, it always seems to get more airplay when the Iggles are playing.
April 11th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
Due to the fact that it has a verse, and a musical structure, I say my next selection counts:
The Oscar Meyer Bologna song.
Not only is it annoying, but because it was part of a commercial, it struck with assassin-like stealth. One minute you’re sitting there eating dinner with your family and BOOM some kid is singing about the unoriginal names for his processed meats.
In case you were wondering, I spell mine T-H-E T-H-I-C-K-N-E-S-S. Choke on either for all I care.
April 11th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
Karma Chameleon - Boy George.
WTF does that mean?
April 11th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
beverly hills by weezerooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhfuckingkillmenow.
also, kudos to the guy who got screaming infidelities. fuckers.
April 11th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
Karma Chameleon - Boy George
WTF is that?
April 11th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
@biggus rickus: It should be a felony to play any version not sung by Marvin Gaye.
April 11th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
I refuse to go through all of these to see if my choice is here, but I’m getting this shit off my chest.
Techno music. All of it. Gone. Like, now.
It’s not fucking music. It’s noise. Wanna do meth and ecstasy and jump around like someone is squeezing your genitals? Fine, but don’t subject the rest of us to what is really simply syncopated, computer generated horseshit.
OOOO, music by computers. You’re SOOOOO in the DJ and club zeitgeist. Douche.
/feel much better
April 11th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
“Kiss from a Rose” - Seal
can’t believe seal made it this far. value pick. boosh.
April 11th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
@naptime drew: “Stuck With You” by Huey Lewis was already taken, though I liked the American Psycho quote.
“Had A Bad Day” Daniel Powter.
Actually, my day wasn’t too bad until you fucking started singing, asshole.
April 11th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
Two Tickets to Paradise - Eddie Money
April 11th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
smurphette,
I could not agree more.
Next selection:
“Creep” - Raidohead
Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I think you should keep your self-loathing to yourself. Fuck off, dwarf.
April 11th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
“Black Horse and the Cherry Tree” by KT Tunstall
Don’t know why but I picture some horrendous looking butch lesbian singing this song and it makes it that much worse. This whole draft has made me realize that there are more songs out there that I really hate, than songs I really love. Thats just sad.
April 11th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
@jeff k
Damn. That’s my second violation and people are starting to hate on Radiohead. My work here is done.
April 11th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
Damn, I jumped the gun and posted another before there were 10 picks (I wanted to get it in before leaving work).
All techno music? You can’t do that!
So yeah, I’m done too.
Great choices everyone!
April 11th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
jeff k,
You also picked one that had already been picked in a post where you corrected someone else. Kind of amusing.
April 11th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
@ Chief,
Damn you for taking “how bizarre.” If you built an equation that multiplied horribleness and number of times played on the radio within a one year span, “How Bizarre” would be in the top 3 with “breakfast at tiffany’s” and “the joker.”
So instead, I’ll take “what a man” by Salt n’ Pepa if only for the lyric “And yes, it’s me that he always be choosin. With him I’m never losin, because he knows that my name is not Susan.”
April 11th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
“Knights In White Satin” by The Moody Blues.
Emphasis on “moody,” eh, you pretentious twats?
April 11th, 2008 at 5:05 pm
Vertigo - U2
Pemulis, does that mean you don’t want to go tubthumping later?
April 11th, 2008 at 5:16 pm
Two words: Monster Mash
April 11th, 2008 at 5:21 pm
Butthole Surfers: Pepper.
here’s what I want Gibby: less pop, more lsd.
April 11th, 2008 at 5:35 pm
Check On It - Beyonce.
Need I say more?
April 11th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
I can’t believe I get to make this pick– Next Time He Cheats or whatever the fuck that song is by Carrie Underwood.
I cannot stand anything about this song. I can’t stand the fact that it’s all over the fucking radio even more. An entire song about keying your boyfriend’s truck? Fuck off. I hate your lyrics, I hate your shitty country, I hate your voice. I hate you.
An equally big Fuck Off to the twats who love to sing along. Same faux-feminist empowerment as “Bitch” and “You’re so Vain,” sadder execution, and completely redneck.
April 11th, 2008 at 5:55 pm
“Ayo Technology” 50 Cent & Justin Timberlake
You’re tired of using technology? Good luck with all those slips of paper? Douches.
And does anyone take either of them seriously anymore
April 11th, 2008 at 6:44 pm
“Mambo # 5″ Lou Bega. Jesus H Christ I can’t say how much I hate that god damn song. I would rather be water boarded in Gitmo, I’d rather be locked in a North Korean prison and be forced to listen to Elton John until my ears bleed then ever hear this piece of shit ever again.
That said, let me also add “Holding Back the Years” Simply Red and “Never Gonna Give You Up” Rick Astley since I’m joining late and I didn’t see them and both singers drink semen for breakfast Okay I feel better now.
April 11th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
I’d like to bury my dick in all the Spice Girls, at least in the early days. Now they’re looking a bit scary, but that pic is faptastic!
April 11th, 2008 at 7:12 pm
This IS
The story of A
girl
whocriedariveranddrownedthewholeworld
Oh, was there a draft going on here?
April 11th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
Anything by Phil Collins, but Sussudio maybe the worst.
April 11th, 2008 at 9:19 pm
God, I wish this site wasn’t blocked by my job. I missed a great draft. F$%K.
April 11th, 2008 at 10:57 pm
I can’t believe I missed this draft.
And I can’t believe after nearly 300 picks, none of you thought to take down what is so clearly the pick of the draft: Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless the USA.”
The whole song is a trainwreck of craptitude, but two lines sum up this song — “I’m proud to be an American / Where at least I know I’m free.” The soft bigotry of low expectations and third-grade grammar. Well played, douchebag.
Couple that with a karaoke quality background electronic piano and a stubble beard of Don Johnsonian qualities, and you have an undeniably perfect pick.
April 12th, 2008 at 1:24 am
If this is still on the board, this is the ultimate value pick- That gay fucking cha cha slide that I had to hear at every single dance in my life. The guy makes millions off putting in a new beat or something into the same goddamn song. Anything by dmb can go too, he sucks.
April 12th, 2008 at 2:01 am
Ebony and Ivory. No wonder the races will never get along.
April 12th, 2008 at 3:36 am
all “techno” music? the fuck? did toby keith tell you it sucks? what a blanket statement.
also, i know thievery corporation is essentially a electronica jam band, and everyone hates jam bands, but i find it hilarious that someone took the time to call it out.
everyone choke on a dick and spend the rest of eternity listening to the killers, mr. brightside on infinite loop.
/twirls imaginary glow sticks while being an insufferable douchebag
April 12th, 2008 at 5:15 am
Ooh. Panic! At the Disco’s still on the board? I’ll draft that shit: “I Write Sins Not Tragedies.” Yeah, and I bet you eat dicks not hamburgers.
Mock draft suggestion: memes I want to kill.
April 12th, 2008 at 8:16 am
Afternoon Delight by Starland Vocal Band. This song is the worst song in recorded history. I can only surmise it’s still on the board because everyone else has successfully blocked it from their memories or are too young to have heard this bile-in-the-throat-inducing piece of shit.
April 12th, 2008 at 10:00 am
Now that it’s Saturday morning, I’m declaring the free-agency period open.
“Breakfast in America” - Supertramp
“Come to Papa” - Bob Seger
“Thick as a Brick” - Jethro Tull
I just destroyed the entire playlist on my local classic rock station. You’re welcome.
April 12th, 2008 at 10:36 am
is “arms wide open” by creed still on the board?
April 12th, 2008 at 11:19 am
I can’t believe the Stones went before Bon Jovi. There’s no justice in this world.
April 12th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
Spent my Friday getting drunk at a local bar, so I missed the draft, but I felt that I had to add “The Cupid Shuffle”. It is the current heir of the Electric Slide, Cha Cha Slide lineage. It sucks, and I want it to disaapear.
April 12th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
With the 287th, Second Day, 2 post buried, pick I’d like to take The Backstreet Boys “I want it that way.”
A pick on par with Tom Brady’s drafting on so many levels.
April 12th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
Chumbawaba: Tubthumping. So where do I pick up my winners prize? Too bad that its the 289th pick and no one is still around to revel in its suckitude. I do believe they were bad enough to warrant making up words. Badocity. Effin terrible no matter which way you look at it. I hope the two people that read this are stuck with the song in their head that I am now subjected to.
April 12th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
Wow. almost 300 posts and no mention of “All Star” by Smash Mouth? What a dumb, stupid piece of shit song that is. For a while it was in every single movie too.
April 13th, 2008 at 10:34 am
“Butterfly” -Crazy Town
April 13th, 2008 at 11:12 am
‘Rehab’ by Amy Winehouse. The song would be a lot cuter if she wasn’t, you know, a hopeless drug addict.
April 13th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
the one i hate that everyone else seems to like is paradise city. fucking terrible.
April 13th, 2008 at 10:40 pm
One more song that drives me to the point of madness:
“Chasing Cars” - Snow Patrol
There. Now all the bitterness is gone.
April 14th, 2008 at 12:58 am
Damn, I agree with at least 98% of the songs already taken off of the board.
I’ve got two picks. Actually, I’ve got hundreds, but I’ll take two here. The first is the puerile, repetitive shit that is “Finding Out True Love is Blind by Louis XIV”.
And for my second pick, I’ll take anything by The White Stripes. If I could go back in time, I would make Jack White’s mother have an abortion.
April 14th, 2008 at 9:01 am
To be with you ‘, Mr. Big.
“Just to be the next to stick you in the spleen with an icepick, asshole”
Just hearing his whining voice in my mind is giving me homicidal thoughts
April 14th, 2008 at 9:47 am
So many Sublime songs. Uh, let’s say, “Wrong Way.”
April 14th, 2008 at 10:27 am
Oh, what about that “Have You Forgotten?” song by Unspecified Country Douchebag? (May not actually be his real name)
April 14th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
My roommate and I are both pretty upset that Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin” wasn’t drafted. This song has now become unavoidable in large social gatherings involving alcohol–and by unavoidable I mean that you can be at local sports pub, South Beach hotspot, or the Apollo in Harlem, and you *WILL* hear it. When played (usually towards the end of the night) this song always results in douchebag high-fives (with drinks spilling everywhere) and trashy suburbanite sluts jumping up and down (and usually landing on my feet.)
April 14th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
What a pathetic display of musical ignorance.
Fucking clownshoes, BRAaaaaAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaHsssssssss.
April 14th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
God Bless the U.S.A by Lee Greenwood. I should be given back the hours of my life I was forced to listen to this song in middle-school.
April 14th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
Can I nuke a whole genre? Because I choose Southern Rock. And yes, I’m looking at you Stevie Ray, Skynard, and CCR. Some of the most overplayed music in the history of radio.
Oh, and Crazy Bitch by whoever the fuck sings it. They should sterilize anyone who plays this song on a jukebox.
April 14th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
Letter E… totally with you on Crazy Bitch. That might have been a first rounder for me.
April 14th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
[...] KSK Mock Draft: Fucking Terrible Songs edition. Ahhh, c’mon though. Can we leave REM out of it? (KSK) [...]
April 14th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
Dave Matthews is the ONLY band I’ve ever seen (someone bought me a ticket and I had to go because it was their birthday) where I sat down the entire time and READ A BOOK.
In a stadium.
Seriously.
That is how much I dislike that band.
If you want a laugh, Saturday Night Live just did a funny sketch called the Mellow Hour, making fun of DMB, Jack Johnson, John Mayer and the like.
April 14th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
Hinder~ Lips of an Angel. Seriously. Makes me want to jab sharp shit into my eyes
April 14th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
“man, i feel like a woman,” by shania twain.
for so many reasons: a) for shitty, shitty lyrics, b) for screwing up the career of a pretty good producer (mutt lange also produced graham parker’s ‘heat treatment,’ as well as ac/dc albums), c) for paving the way for shitty country crossover starlets who also happen to be hot (that evans chick, faith hill, etc.), and mostly d) because i want to have sex with her, despite her terrible music.
April 14th, 2008 at 5:23 pm
“Down By the Water” - PJ Harvey. A little obscure, but could be the worst song in history. Like nails on a chalkboard annoying. Seriously, google it and watch a youtube performance, and tell me the radio station in San Diego that still plays this garbage like it’s some wonderful piece of classic alternative 90’s nostalgia shouldn’t be burnt to the ground.
April 14th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
Rock Me Amadeus - Falco. God, I hate that song.
April 14th, 2008 at 6:57 pm
Buffalo Soldier - Bob Marley. He is not a music god. A music god would not rip off The Banana Splits.
April 14th, 2008 at 8:03 pm
Without a shadow of a doubt: “Butterfly” by Crazy Town. Terrible, repulsively un-sexy yet sleazily sexualized, bad white-guy rap-rock-crap.
The memory of dozens of insecure girls drunkenly dancing provocatively with each other in high school is my form of ipecac. It just makes me nauseous and sad for my whole generation!
April 14th, 2008 at 8:12 pm
Cotton eyed joe, techno version.
Played at Yankee Stadium, danced to by fat twits from North Jersey.
Get that guy a mansierre.
God, I hate the Yankees.
April 14th, 2008 at 10:37 pm
Let My Love Open The Door (Pete Townshend)
*opens wrists*
April 14th, 2008 at 10:38 pm
Manic Monday by the Bangles. Kill. Me. Now.
April 15th, 2008 at 9:24 am
Raspberry Beret by Prince. That fruity midget was raspberry douching when he wrote that turd sprout.
April 15th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
Raspberry Beret by Prince. That fruity midget was raspberry douching when he wrote that turd sprout.
April 15th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
Come on Eileen (Dexys Midnight Runners)…..AUGH!
April 15th, 2008 at 4:21 pm
fuck london calling by the clash, cure or cult. i dont care who sings that song fuck em all
April 16th, 2008 at 4:15 am
Butterfly by Crazy Town caused civilizations to perish, good call
April 21st, 2008 at 1:32 am
Fucking “Sister” by the Nixons. In the 90s, that song was everywhere and that douche Zac Malloy….ug. It may just be a DFW thing, but ug.
(Also, you have killed all of the Dueling Piano Bars’ setlists as well. Everysong they play is on this list)
April 28th, 2008 at 10:53 am
The Steal of the Day………”99 Luft Balloons”
April 29th, 2008 at 5:36 pm
Bang The Drum All Day by Todd Rundgren
People EVERYWHERE can agree on this, except for those fucktards in Wisconsin. You know, the ones who no only WORE Zubaz but STILL WEAR Zubaz.