In this week’s draft we’re ridding the world of our most hated songs. The rules are simple: you pick a song, and it vanishes from your life. Once a song’s “artist” is selected that entire “artist’s” catalog comes off the board. Which Elton John song will it be?!
The draft order is as follows (minus Punter because he was busy olling up aces over kings and check-raising stupid tourists):
Maj
Flubby
Caveman
Drew
Ape
1. Maj: Hotel California by The Eagles
If you need any further explanation then you could also use brick to the head. This is a bigger sure thing than LeBron, Griffey, and Peyton combined.
2. Flubby: Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison.
If you hear this song at any public setting where alcohol is being served, you can be assured that in a matter of moments a gaggle of drunken women will soon be assembled to sing an off-key rendition of the chorus. SHALALALALALALALALADEEDA!!! Fuck you very much, Van Morrison. Ya drunkass mick.
3. Caveman: Benny and the Jets by Elton John
Trying to decide between this plodding monstrosity and the childish bullshit of “Crocodile Rock” is no easy task, but I think I hate “Benny” slightly more.
Ape: If for nothing else, the fact that Berman has referenced it.
4. Drew: Another Brick In The Wall by Pink Floyd
I fucking hate this song. I fucking… just… GAHHHHHHH I hate it so very much. Not only does it employ a children’s choir, but that fucking choir sings in the most obnoxious English accent humanly possible. Hearing it in my head right now makes my teeth hurt.
Maj: I think they were the same kids from Satisfaction.
5. Ape: The Girl is Mine by Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney
This is possibly the most cornball song ever wrought. From shimmery production to a chorus that goes:
The girl is mine
The doggone girl is mine
I know she’s mine
Because the doggone girl is mine
You can forget Jackson bleaching his skin and raping kids and McCartney marrying a one-legged harridan who tried to take all his money. This tarnished their legacy far, far before that. And possibly worse.
Maj: Abso-fucking-lutely
CC: Great pick. I fucking hate that song.
Drew: Can I still take a song from Wings, or is all McCartney out the door now?
Maj: Sorry Drew, no Band on the Run for you.
6. Ape: Bitch by Meredith Brooks
In the Lillith Fair milieu of the girl songstress fad of the late ’90s, this stood out as the most fake-controversial-yet-palatable-for-mass-audiences-bullshit around. The song’s message: deal with my flightiness and refusal to adhere to rational thought! Because we’re women! We’re allowed to be vacuous contradictions! But not you stupid weak men! RAWR!
Also, for all the mainstream dipshit DJs who’d introduce the track with “Oh my God, a song on the radio with the word bitch as the title? Tres outre!”
7. Drew: Paradise By The Dashboard Light by Meat Loaf
I’m still traumatized by groups of drunken women in college re-enacting all eight and half minutes of this god-awful piece of shit. Especially the STOP RIGHT THERE! part. God, it’s just so fucking terrible I can’t even put it into words. And some asshole at the bar will ALWAYS put it on, without fail. The goddamn thing never ends. Fuck you, Meat Loaf Aday. And fuck you, Phil Rizzuto. Holy cow, this song blows.
8. Caveman: You’re So Vain by Carly Simon
If it made my pet peeve list, it’s making my most-hated song list. It’s got all the same the faux-femme empowerment of “Bitch,” charged with extra bitterness and irrational justifications for being a cunt.
9. Flubby: American Pie by Don McLean
So bye, bye Miss American Pie
When they play it, people say it, until I wanna die
Don McLean I hope those royalties can buy
A coffin if I meet you, guy
That one was on just about everybody’s board. Great value pick.
10. Maj: Piano Man by Billy Joel
Fuck you, Billy Joel. You’re the fucking devil.
11. Maj:Shiny Happy People by REM
What the fuck is that song all about? I’m convinced that they were just trying to annoy the shit out of me.
Drew: Ooooh, anything by REM is a solid choice
Maj: And they say I don’t know anything about white people music…
Flubby: Losing My Religion was a late round pick on my board
Caveman: Wow, I totally forgot about REM. “Losing my Religion” was probably the first song that made me want to hurt people.
Drew: Yeah I fucking hate that song. Stand too. Guhhhhhhhh.
Caveman: God, we could do an entire draft of awful REM songs.
12. Flubby: Fergalicious by Fergie
Maj: That’s an actual song? I thought it was a commercial for Vagisil or something.
13. Caveman: Walking on Sunshine by Katrina and the Waves
I hate this song. I hate every movie that this song gets used in. I hate scenes where people dance to this song. I hope Katrina and the Waves all die horrific, grisly deaths.
Maj: Like drowning in flood water?
14. Drew: Silver Bells> by Bing Crosby
My least favorite Christmas song. I don’t care who sings it, I fucking hate it. One time, at the gym, they played an emo version of it. My least favorite holiday song sung in my least favorite genre besides country. My heart turned black.
Flubby: Ooh, I could do a whole draft on xmas songs. Starting with “Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime” by Sir Paul.
Maj: I would have picked all Christmas songs, but Ufford wouldn’t have any of that.
15. Ape: Kokomo by The Beach Boys
This song single-handedly kept me from getting into music until almost my teens. I can’t even begin to enumerate the number of ways I hate it. But, I was just given one more not too long ago: it inspired possibly the worst parody song ever. And they play it all the time at the stupid divey karaoke bar I go to. This song was a No. 1 hit? Proof positive of America’s cultural bankruptcy. Fuck you, Mike Love.
Holy shit, nobody drafted We Built This City!!!
Add your picks in the comments, but play by the fucking rules! That means waiting ten selections before picking another song. And no picking “anything by [blank]” because that’s something Drew would do because he’s a dick who has most certainly not listened to all 7,431 shitty Grateful Dead songs.
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Music was my harbor. I could crawl into the gap between the notes and curl my back to loneliness.
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I really like The Killers they are surely without doubt one of my top rated bands. But I must say I found this wonderful mr brightside cover version on YouTube today and i think I like it more than the original version! You ought to view this … The Killers Mr Brightside Cover
I adore The Killers they are surely among the best bands. But I have to say I stumbled upon this very good mr brightside cover version on YouTube just now and i think I enjoyed it much more than the classic performance! You’ll have to view this … The Killers Mr Brightside Cover
Summer Girls – LFO
Some of the worst lyrics ever in a song ever. Might even be as bad as “The Girl Is Mine” by PM and MJ.
It’s like they hijacked poems written by 1st graders.
Bang The Drum All Day by Todd Rundgren
People EVERYWHERE can agree on this, except for those fucktards in Wisconsin. You know, the ones who no only WORE Zubaz but STILL WEAR Zubaz.
The Steal of the Day………”99 Luft Balloons”
Fucking “Sister” by the Nixons. In the 90s, that song was everywhere and that douche Zac Malloy….ug. It may just be a DFW thing, but ug.
(Also, you have killed all of the Dueling Piano Bars’ setlists as well. Everysong they play is on this list)
Butterfly by Crazy Town caused civilizations to perish, good call
fuck london calling by the clash, cure or cult. i dont care who sings that song fuck em all
Come on Eileen (Dexys Midnight Runners)…..AUGH!
Raspberry Beret by Prince. That fruity midget was raspberry douching when he wrote that turd sprout.
Raspberry Beret by Prince. That fruity midget was raspberry douching when he wrote that turd sprout.
Manic Monday by the Bangles. Kill. Me. Now.
Let My Love Open The Door (Pete Townshend)
*opens wrists*
Cotton eyed joe, techno version.
Played at Yankee Stadium, danced to by fat twits from North Jersey.
Get that guy a mansierre.
God, I hate the Yankees.
Without a shadow of a doubt: “Butterfly” by Crazy Town. Terrible, repulsively un-sexy yet sleazily sexualized, bad white-guy rap-rock-crap.
The memory of dozens of insecure girls drunkenly dancing provocatively with each other in high school is my form of ipecac. It just makes me nauseous and sad for my whole generation!
Buffalo Soldier – Bob Marley. He is not a music god. A music god would not rip off The Banana Splits.
Rock Me Amadeus – Falco. God, I hate that song.
“Down By the Water” – PJ Harvey. A little obscure, but could be the worst song in history. Like nails on a chalkboard annoying. Seriously, google it and watch a youtube performance, and tell me the radio station in San Diego that still plays this garbage like it’s some wonderful piece of classic alternative 90′s nostalgia shouldn’t be burnt to the ground.
“man, i feel like a woman,” by shania twain.
for so many reasons: a) for shitty, shitty lyrics, b) for screwing up the career of a pretty good producer (mutt lange also produced graham parker’s ‘heat treatment,’ as well as ac/dc albums), c) for paving the way for shitty country crossover starlets who also happen to be hot (that evans chick, faith hill, etc.), and mostly d) because i want to have sex with her, despite her terrible music.
Hinder~ Lips of an Angel. Seriously. Makes me want to jab sharp shit into my eyes
Dave Matthews is the ONLY band I’ve ever seen (someone bought me a ticket and I had to go because it was their birthday) where I sat down the entire time and READ A BOOK.
In a stadium.
Seriously.
That is how much I dislike that band.
If you want a laugh, Saturday Night Live just did a funny sketch called the Mellow Hour, making fun of DMB, Jack Johnson, John Mayer and the like.
Letter E… totally with you on Crazy Bitch. That might have been a first rounder for me.
Can I nuke a whole genre? Because I choose Southern Rock. And yes, I’m looking at you Stevie Ray, Skynard, and CCR. Some of the most overplayed music in the history of radio.
Oh, and Crazy Bitch by whoever the fuck sings it. They should sterilize anyone who plays this song on a jukebox.
God Bless the U.S.A by Lee Greenwood. I should be given back the hours of my life I was forced to listen to this song in middle-school.
What a pathetic display of musical ignorance.
Fucking clownshoes, BRAaaaaAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaHsssssssss.
My roommate and I are both pretty upset that Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin” wasn’t drafted. This song has now become unavoidable in large social gatherings involving alcohol–and by unavoidable I mean that you can be at local sports pub, South Beach hotspot, or the Apollo in Harlem, and you *WILL* hear it. When played (usually towards the end of the night) this song always results in douchebag high-fives (with drinks spilling everywhere) and trashy suburbanite sluts jumping up and down (and usually landing on my feet.)
Oh, what about that “Have You Forgotten?” song by Unspecified Country Douchebag? (May not actually be his real name)
So many Sublime songs. Uh, let’s say, “Wrong Way.”
To be with you ‘, Mr. Big.
“Just to be the next to stick you in the spleen with an icepick, asshole”
Just hearing his whining voice in my mind is giving me homicidal thoughts
Damn, I agree with at least 98% of the songs already taken off of the board.
I’ve got two picks. Actually, I’ve got hundreds, but I’ll take two here. The first is the puerile, repetitive shit that is “Finding Out True Love is Blind by Louis XIV”.
And for my second pick, I’ll take anything by The White Stripes. If I could go back in time, I would make Jack White’s mother have an abortion.
One more song that drives me to the point of madness:
“Chasing Cars” – Snow Patrol
There. Now all the bitterness is gone.
the one i hate that everyone else seems to like is paradise city. fucking terrible.
‘Rehab’ by Amy Winehouse. The song would be a lot cuter if she wasn’t, you know, a hopeless drug addict.
“Butterfly” -Crazy Town
Wow. almost 300 posts and no mention of “All Star” by Smash Mouth? What a dumb, stupid piece of shit song that is. For a while it was in every single movie too.
Chumbawaba: Tubthumping. So where do I pick up my winners prize? Too bad that its the 289th pick and no one is still around to revel in its suckitude. I do believe they were bad enough to warrant making up words. Badocity. Effin terrible no matter which way you look at it. I hope the two people that read this are stuck with the song in their head that I am now subjected to.
With the 287th, Second Day, 2 post buried, pick I’d like to take The Backstreet Boys “I want it that way.”
A pick on par with Tom Brady’s drafting on so many levels.
Spent my Friday getting drunk at a local bar, so I missed the draft, but I felt that I had to add “The Cupid Shuffle”. It is the current heir of the Electric Slide, Cha Cha Slide lineage. It sucks, and I want it to disaapear.
I can’t believe the Stones went before Bon Jovi. There’s no justice in this world.
is “arms wide open” by creed still on the board?
Now that it’s Saturday morning, I’m declaring the free-agency period open.
“Breakfast in America” – Supertramp
“Come to Papa” – Bob Seger
“Thick as a Brick” – Jethro Tull
I just destroyed the entire playlist on my local classic rock station. You’re welcome.
Afternoon Delight by Starland Vocal Band. This song is the worst song in recorded history. I can only surmise it’s still on the board because everyone else has successfully blocked it from their memories or are too young to have heard this bile-in-the-throat-inducing piece of shit.
Ooh. Panic! At the Disco’s still on the board? I’ll draft that shit: “I Write Sins Not Tragedies.” Yeah, and I bet you eat dicks not hamburgers.
Mock draft suggestion: memes I want to kill.
all “techno” music? the fuck? did toby keith tell you it sucks? what a blanket statement.
also, i know thievery corporation is essentially a electronica jam band, and everyone hates jam bands, but i find it hilarious that someone took the time to call it out.
everyone choke on a dick and spend the rest of eternity listening to the killers, mr. brightside on infinite loop.
/twirls imaginary glow sticks while being an insufferable douchebag
Ebony and Ivory. No wonder the races will never get along.
If this is still on the board, this is the ultimate value pick- That gay fucking cha cha slide that I had to hear at every single dance in my life. The guy makes millions off putting in a new beat or something into the same goddamn song. Anything by dmb can go too, he sucks.
I can’t believe I missed this draft.
And I can’t believe after nearly 300 picks, none of you thought to take down what is so clearly the pick of the draft: Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless the USA.”
The whole song is a trainwreck of craptitude, but two lines sum up this song — “I’m proud to be an American / Where at least I know I’m free.” The soft bigotry of low expectations and third-grade grammar. Well played, douchebag.
Couple that with a karaoke quality background electronic piano and a stubble beard of Don Johnsonian qualities, and you have an undeniably perfect pick.
God, I wish this site wasn’t blocked by my job. I missed a great draft. F$%K.
Anything by Phil Collins, but Sussudio maybe the worst.
This IS
The story of A
girl
whocriedariveranddrownedthewholeworld
Oh, was there a draft going on here?
I’d like to bury my dick in all the Spice Girls, at least in the early days. Now they’re looking a bit scary, but that pic is faptastic!
“Mambo # 5″ Lou Bega. Jesus H Christ I can’t say how much I hate that god damn song. I would rather be water boarded in Gitmo, I’d rather be locked in a North Korean prison and be forced to listen to Elton John until my ears bleed then ever hear this piece of shit ever again.
That said, let me also add “Holding Back the Years” Simply Red and “Never Gonna Give You Up” Rick Astley since I’m joining late and I didn’t see them and both singers drink semen for breakfast Okay I feel better now.
“Ayo Technology” 50 Cent & Justin Timberlake
You’re tired of using technology? Good luck with all those slips of paper? Douches.
And does anyone take either of them seriously anymore
I can’t believe I get to make this pick– Next Time He Cheats or whatever the fuck that song is by Carrie Underwood.
I cannot stand anything about this song. I can’t stand the fact that it’s all over the fucking radio even more. An entire song about keying your boyfriend’s truck? Fuck off. I hate your lyrics, I hate your shitty country, I hate your voice. I hate you.
An equally big Fuck Off to the twats who love to sing along. Same faux-feminist empowerment as “Bitch” and “You’re so Vain,” sadder execution, and completely redneck.
Check On It – Beyonce.
Need I say more?
Butthole Surfers: Pepper.
here’s what I want Gibby: less pop, more lsd.
Two words: Monster Mash
Vertigo – U2
Pemulis, does that mean you don’t want to go tubthumping later?
“Knights In White Satin” by The Moody Blues.
Emphasis on “moody,” eh, you pretentious twats?
@ Chief,
Damn you for taking “how bizarre.” If you built an equation that multiplied horribleness and number of times played on the radio within a one year span, “How Bizarre” would be in the top 3 with “breakfast at tiffany’s” and “the joker.”
So instead, I’ll take “what a man” by Salt n’ Pepa if only for the lyric “And yes, it’s me that he always be choosin. With him I’m never losin, because he knows that my name is not Susan.”
jeff k,
You also picked one that had already been picked in a post where you corrected someone else. Kind of amusing.
Damn, I jumped the gun and posted another before there were 10 picks (I wanted to get it in before leaving work).
All techno music? You can’t do that!
So yeah, I’m done too.
Great choices everyone!
@jeff k
Damn. That’s my second violation and people are starting to hate on Radiohead. My work here is done.
“Black Horse and the Cherry Tree” by KT Tunstall
Don’t know why but I picture some horrendous looking butch lesbian singing this song and it makes it that much worse. This whole draft has made me realize that there are more songs out there that I really hate, than songs I really love. Thats just sad.
smurphette,
I could not agree more.
Next selection:
“Creep” – Raidohead
Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I think you should keep your self-loathing to yourself. Fuck off, dwarf.
Two Tickets to Paradise – Eddie Money
@naptime drew: “Stuck With You” by Huey Lewis was already taken, though I liked the American Psycho quote.
“Had A Bad Day” Daniel Powter.
Actually, my day wasn’t too bad until you fucking started singing, asshole.
“Kiss from a Rose” – Seal
can’t believe seal made it this far. value pick. boosh.
I refuse to go through all of these to see if my choice is here, but I’m getting this shit off my chest.
Techno music. All of it. Gone. Like, now.
It’s not fucking music. It’s noise. Wanna do meth and ecstasy and jump around like someone is squeezing your genitals? Fine, but don’t subject the rest of us to what is really simply syncopated, computer generated horseshit.
OOOO, music by computers. You’re SOOOOO in the DJ and club zeitgeist. Douche.
/feel much better
@biggus rickus: It should be a felony to play any version not sung by Marvin Gaye.
Karma Chameleon – Boy George
WTF is that?