If You Can Walk You Can Dance, If You Can Talk You Can Sing
Dear Jesus, thank you for giving us the strength to keep the gays out of our circle. Last week we learned that for the first time ever sports fan’s favorite video game, Madden 09, will feature user-controlled celebrations. Fans Sad little men everywhere could barely contain their excitement at the prospect of controlling Chad Johnson’s fluid dance steps, flexing TO’s muscles, and exposing Randy Moss’ red eye to a horrified mass of Packer fans.
Unfortunately for these braggadocios bedroom dwellers the celebrations featured in newest edition of Madden are not nearly as exuberant as some might have hoped. In fact, only a small sampling of the game’s players will even be capable of celebrating at all. Thanks to KSK’s high level contacts within EA Sports we are able to provide a list of the chosen players and their assigned celebrations.
Kurt Warner- Kisses wife, thanks Jesus for finding him a such an ideal mate through the process of degayification.
Shaun Alexander- Kneels down to pray, breaks foot trying to stand up, tells everybody Jesus will heal him in time for the playoffs.
Jon Kitna- Points toward Heaven with two fingers, prays for five more touchdowns in order to secure victory.
Adrian Peterson- Thanks himself with a pat on the back, flagellates himself for accepting such a blasphemous nickname.
Jason Elam- Points toward Heaven with one hand, shoots Az-Zahir Hakim in the throat with the other.
Troy Polamalu- Prays quietly to self, braids hair.
Derrick Brooks- Tackles ball-carrier, testifies.
Mark Brunell- Praises Jesus for all to hear, sits back down.
Trent Dilfer- Begins to kneel in prayer before wondering what sort of God would let him go bald.
David Tyree- Proclaims his inability to catch footballs without the benevolent grace of Christ Almighty.
Jesus, this game is gonna fucking suck.
Tags: jesus, Madden, Still wondering why Earl Weaver Baseball never took off, The NFL loves Christians, Unsilent Majority
April 21st, 2008 at 12:06 pm
Warren Sapp: Finds fan with blanket in the stands, executes a textbook Dutch Oven.
April 21st, 2008 at 12:06 pm
Maybe I’m an idiot, but I totally don’t get the Elam/Az-Zahir Hakim one. I demand that the internet explain!
April 21st, 2008 at 12:10 pm
Monty, I updated the post with a hyperlink to help you out.
April 21st, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Honestly, I just want an offensive line that doesn’t suck. Really, if they just took last years game and fixed that one thing . . . Well I wouldn’t exactly be thrilled, but I may be able to play a whole game without beating my nephews in frustration.
April 21st, 2008 at 12:13 pm
Does Sex Cannon impregnate a cheerleader for his celebration?
/about a year and half too late
April 21st, 2008 at 12:18 pm
i heard if Osi recovers a fumble and runs it in for a TD you can control the type of shit he takes on some ho’s.
April 21st, 2008 at 12:19 pm
“David Tyree- Proclaims his inability to catch footballs without the benevolent grace of Christ Almighty.”
David Tyree’s helmet is Jesus Christ? Holy fuck!
April 21st, 2008 at 12:22 pm
@Maj – Holy. Shit. That book is awesome. The best read since the Left Behind series, I’m sure. You can download the first chapter in .pdf, and so far I’ve learned that little kids in Baghdad refer to their mothers as Mama, they speak English, and Jason Elam wants to jerk off in a hot tub with Tom Clancy. I’m guessing that Elam isn’t voting for Obama.
April 21st, 2008 at 12:23 pm
Unsilent, it took me ten minutes to convince myself that Elam’s book wasn’t an elaborate hoax. Thanks to you, my world is both broader and sadder.
April 21st, 2008 at 12:24 pm
David Carr: N/A
April 21st, 2008 at 12:37 pm
Does Kyle Orton pound a fifth of JD after he throws a touchdown?
/beating a deads horse
April 21st, 2008 at 12:38 pm
Eli Manning: Thanks Jesus that people might forget that he’s still gay.
April 21st, 2008 at 12:39 pm
Tiki Barber – Just gives that smarmy, shit-eating grin of his. Then the grin suddenly disappears when (a) immediately after his retirement the Giants win the Super Bowl (coincidence?), (b) after spending the season tearing down Eli Manning, Eli is Super Bowl MVP (again… coincidence?), and (c) NBC comes to its senses and sends his black ass to the curb.
April 21st, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Reggie Bush- After scoring touchdown runs straight into the tunnel, out of stadium, and to clinic to be treated for V.D.
April 21st, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Come on, we all know Shaun Alexander isn’t scoring a TD. Not unless it was 1st and an inch and you hand him the ball at that inch, hoping he falls forward this time.
April 21st, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Shaun Rogers – Eats several large turkeys whole, destroys Japan.
April 21st, 2008 at 12:43 pm
I heard Rae Carruth’s celebration is taken directly from The Last Boy Scout
April 21st, 2008 at 12:52 pm
I call BS. When is Mark Brunell ever going to need to celebrate?
April 21st, 2008 at 12:54 pm
@ J Dizzle: No, he does that before every play.
April 21st, 2008 at 12:59 pm
Does it have a feature where you can un-retire Brett Favre?
This way when he scores, you can have Peter King run onto the field and polish Favre’s knob while Madden gushes so much man-love he makes Suzyn Waldman seem calm.
April 21st, 2008 at 1:10 pm
In the EA Sports College Gameday, everyone from Penn State just jerks off all over the place.
Oh, wait, I’ve confused video games and the library again. My apologies.
April 21st, 2008 at 1:11 pm
Brett Favre comes out of retirement, scores, and does something that all of us as average guys can really relate to.
April 21st, 2008 at 1:13 pm
David Garrard – Smoothly tucks hundred dollar bill into cleavage of opposing team’s cheerleader.
April 21st, 2008 at 1:14 pm
Najeh Davenport – Poops.
April 21st, 2008 at 1:16 pm
rae carruth…I love it. does anyone remember the espn articles from a while back?? “if larry king wrote for us”
“is it me or would the panthers be dominant if they still had rae carruth??”
I think its the LK voice in the head that does it. sigh…
April 21st, 2008 at 1:16 pm
T.J. Houshmanzadah: Detained by Homeland Security.
April 21st, 2008 at 1:21 pm
Tom Brady fumbles the football.
/Still bitter
April 21st, 2008 at 1:23 pm
Peyton Manning: Does impromptu television advertisement for Madden 09.
April 21st, 2008 at 1:30 pm
I fucking loved Earl Weaver baseball. Way ahead of it’s time. Still the best pitching interface ever created. Also you could program it to say dirty words if you could spell them phonetically. Makes me want to dig up the ol’ Amiga. I owe my enyclopedic knowledge of 1986 stats to Earl.
April 21st, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Travis Henry: goes on Maury, finds out he is NOT the father! THEN he dances his heart out.
April 21st, 2008 at 1:32 pm
Philip Rivers -takes off jersey to reveal Lacoste polo shirt, pops collar, drives around stadium in golf cart, spits on a 6 year-old who wants hi autograph. All of this while Shawne Merriman sticks a syringe in his own ass.
April 21st, 2008 at 1:41 pm
Given that NFL players have long held God responsible for their play on the field why haven’t the Dolphins noticed that he has forsaken them and started worshiping someone different like Odin? Or Cthulhu? The time for forgiveness in that franchise is over. Better to get back to winning through a god that puts to focus on smiting enemies.
April 21st, 2008 at 1:42 pm
Tony Romo: Gets it in Peter King’s eye
April 21st, 2008 at 1:43 pm
I recently came across some of Elam’s trenchant and insightful commentary on the state of affairs in the Middle East. Hoo-boy.
ROSENBERG: How serious, in your view, is the threat of radical Islamic extremism inside the U.S. today?
ELAM: It’s very serious. Unfortunately, radical Islamic extremism is here to stay. My fear is that our society is getting lulled into complacency. If you think about it, even if only 10% of all Muslims are extremists, that still amounts to over 100 million. I truly believe that only the return of Christ will solve the problem.
April 21st, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Mad Dog Fargo,
If Jobu can’t help Cerrano hit the curveball, then no one can help the Dolphins. Except the ‘07 Ravens.
April 21st, 2008 at 2:09 pm
After catching a 3-yard screen pass for an relatively insignificant first down, Jeremy Shockey’s femur explodes. He then flees to the stands to drink beer and demand trades while flashing his newly earned(?) Super Bowl ring.
April 21st, 2008 at 2:18 pm
@TF – Najeh Davenport cannot have the same move as Osi Umeniyura’s sack dance.
April 21st, 2008 at 3:09 pm
TF, I wasn’t implying that Odin would make the Dolphins better, only Satan can help them there, but he might be persuaded to make all the other teams in their division worse. Like if every time someone threw a curveball to Cerrano, Jobu allowed Cerrano to drive the next pitch off their shin. Or eye.
April 21st, 2008 at 3:45 pm
Cedric Benson-Runs 2 feet then falls directly to the ground without being touched, proceeds to hold out for 3 months.
Obviously this is a fictitious world where Cedric Benson would actually score touchdowns.
April 21st, 2008 at 4:26 pm
Michael Strahan: recovers a fumble, runs for a touchdown, then his bitch of an ex-wife shows up and demands rights to three of the points.
April 21st, 2008 at 4:36 pm
Hines Ward — imitates whatever celebration took place immediately before his.
April 21st, 2008 at 6:21 pm
Mike Vrabel – imitates whatever celebration Hines Ward just imitated immediatly before his
April 22nd, 2008 at 10:47 am
Philip Rivers – Grabs his groin, points at opposing bench.