Dear Jesus, thank you for giving us the strength to keep the gays out of our circle. Last week we learned that for the first time ever sports fan’s favorite video game, Madden 09, will feature user-controlled celebrations. Fans Sad little men everywhere could barely contain their excitement at the prospect of controlling Chad Johnson’s fluid dance steps, flexing TO’s muscles, and exposing Randy Moss’ red eye to a horrified mass of Packer fans.
Unfortunately for these braggadocios bedroom dwellers the celebrations featured in newest edition of Madden are not nearly as exuberant as some might have hoped. In fact, only a small sampling of the game’s players will even be capable of celebrating at all. Thanks to KSK’s high level contacts within EA Sports we are able to provide a list of the chosen players and their assigned celebrations.
Kurt Warner- Kisses wife, thanks Jesus for finding him a such an ideal mate through the process of degayification.
Shaun Alexander- Kneels down to pray, breaks foot trying to stand up, tells everybody Jesus will heal him in time for the playoffs.
Jon Kitna- Points toward Heaven with two fingers, prays for five more touchdowns in order to secure victory.
Adrian Peterson- Thanks himself with a pat on the back, flagellates himself for accepting such a blasphemous nickname.
Jason Elam- Points toward Heaven with one hand, shoots Az-Zahir Hakim in the throat with the other.
Troy Polamalu- Prays quietly to self, braids hair.
Derrick Brooks- Tackles ball-carrier, testifies.
Mark Brunell- Praises Jesus for all to hear, sits back down.
Trent Dilfer- Begins to kneel in prayer before wondering what sort of God would let him go bald.
David Tyree- Proclaims his inability to catch footballs without the benevolent grace of Christ Almighty.
Jesus, this game is gonna fucking suck.
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Philip Rivers – Grabs his groin, points at opposing bench.
Mike Vrabel – imitates whatever celebration Hines Ward just imitated immediatly before his
Hines Ward — imitates whatever celebration took place immediately before his.
Michael Strahan: recovers a fumble, runs for a touchdown, then his bitch of an ex-wife shows up and demands rights to three of the points.
Cedric Benson-Runs 2 feet then falls directly to the ground without being touched, proceeds to hold out for 3 months.
Obviously this is a fictitious world where Cedric Benson would actually score touchdowns.
TF, I wasn’t implying that Odin would make the Dolphins better, only Satan can help them there, but he might be persuaded to make all the other teams in their division worse. Like if every time someone threw a curveball to Cerrano, Jobu allowed Cerrano to drive the next pitch off their shin. Or eye.
@TF – Najeh Davenport cannot have the same move as Osi Umeniyura’s sack dance.
After catching a 3-yard screen pass for an relatively insignificant first down, Jeremy Shockey’s femur explodes. He then flees to the stands to drink beer and demand trades while flashing his newly earned(?) Super Bowl ring.
Mad Dog Fargo,
If Jobu can’t help Cerrano hit the curveball, then no one can help the Dolphins. Except the ’07 Ravens.
I recently came across some of Elam’s trenchant and insightful commentary on the state of affairs in the Middle East. Hoo-boy.
ROSENBERG: How serious, in your view, is the threat of radical Islamic extremism inside the U.S. today?
ELAM: It’s very serious. Unfortunately, radical Islamic extremism is here to stay. My fear is that our society is getting lulled into complacency. If you think about it, even if only 10% of all Muslims are extremists, that still amounts to over 100 million. I truly believe that only the return of Christ will solve the problem.
Tony Romo: Gets it in Peter King’s eye
Given that NFL players have long held God responsible for their play on the field why haven’t the Dolphins noticed that he has forsaken them and started worshiping someone different like Odin? Or Cthulhu? The time for forgiveness in that franchise is over. Better to get back to winning through a god that puts to focus on smiting enemies.
Philip Rivers -takes off jersey to reveal Lacoste polo shirt, pops collar, drives around stadium in golf cart, spits on a 6 year-old who wants hi autograph. All of this while Shawne Merriman sticks a syringe in his own ass.
Travis Henry: goes on Maury, finds out he is NOT the father! THEN he dances his heart out.
I fucking loved Earl Weaver baseball. Way ahead of it’s time. Still the best pitching interface ever created. Also you could program it to say dirty words if you could spell them phonetically. Makes me want to dig up the ol’ Amiga. I owe my enyclopedic knowledge of 1986 stats to Earl.
Peyton Manning: Does impromptu television advertisement for Madden 09.
Tom Brady fumbles the football.
/Still bitter
T.J. Houshmanzadah: Detained by Homeland Security.
rae carruth…I love it. does anyone remember the espn articles from a while back?? “if larry king wrote for us”
“is it me or would the panthers be dominant if they still had rae carruth??”
I think its the LK voice in the head that does it. sigh…
Najeh Davenport – Poops.
David Garrard – Smoothly tucks hundred dollar bill into cleavage of opposing team’s cheerleader.
Brett Favre comes out of retirement, scores, and does something that all of us as average guys can really relate to.
In the EA Sports College Gameday, everyone from Penn State just jerks off all over the place.
Oh, wait, I’ve confused video games and the library again. My apologies.
Does it have a feature where you can un-retire Brett Favre?
This way when he scores, you can have Peter King run onto the field and polish Favre’s knob while Madden gushes so much man-love he makes Suzyn Waldman seem calm.
@ J Dizzle: No, he does that before every play.
I call BS. When is Mark Brunell ever going to need to celebrate?
I heard Rae Carruth’s celebration is taken directly from The Last Boy Scout
Shaun Rogers – Eats several large turkeys whole, destroys Japan.
Come on, we all know Shaun Alexander isn’t scoring a TD. Not unless it was 1st and an inch and you hand him the ball at that inch, hoping he falls forward this time.
Reggie Bush- After scoring touchdown runs straight into the tunnel, out of stadium, and to clinic to be treated for V.D.
Tiki Barber – Just gives that smarmy, shit-eating grin of his. Then the grin suddenly disappears when (a) immediately after his retirement the Giants win the Super Bowl (coincidence?), (b) after spending the season tearing down Eli Manning, Eli is Super Bowl MVP (again… coincidence?), and (c) NBC comes to its senses and sends his black ass to the curb.
Eli Manning: Thanks Jesus that people might forget that he’s still gay.
Does Kyle Orton pound a fifth of JD after he throws a touchdown?
/beating a deads horse
David Carr: N/A
Unsilent, it took me ten minutes to convince myself that Elam’s book wasn’t an elaborate hoax. Thanks to you, my world is both broader and sadder.
@Maj – Holy. Shit. That book is awesome. The best read since the Left Behind series, I’m sure. You can download the first chapter in .pdf, and so far I’ve learned that little kids in Baghdad refer to their mothers as Mama, they speak English, and Jason Elam wants to jerk off in a hot tub with Tom Clancy. I’m guessing that Elam isn’t voting for Obama.
“David Tyree- Proclaims his inability to catch footballs without the benevolent grace of Christ Almighty.”
David Tyree’s helmet is Jesus Christ? Holy fuck!
i heard if Osi recovers a fumble and runs it in for a TD you can control the type of shit he takes on some ho’s.
Does Sex Cannon impregnate a cheerleader for his celebration?
/about a year and half too late
Honestly, I just want an offensive line that doesn’t suck. Really, if they just took last years game and fixed that one thing . . . Well I wouldn’t exactly be thrilled, but I may be able to play a whole game without beating my nephews in frustration.
Monty, I updated the post with a hyperlink to help you out.
Maybe I’m an idiot, but I totally don’t get the Elam/Az-Zahir Hakim one. I demand that the internet explain!
Warren Sapp: Finds fan with blanket in the stands, executes a textbook Dutch Oven.