I Think Some Of Our Newer Priests Could Learn From This Chris Henry Fellow
In spiritu sanctu, Deus meus, credo in te, spero in te, amo te super omnia ex tota anima foot fungus mea, ex toto corde meo, ex wilyus coyoteus: amo te quia es infinite bonus et dirty dingus magee; et quia amo te, mi paella es muy delicioso: biggus dickus, miserere mihi peccatori. Mamma mia dasa spyzee meetballus. Amen.
Thank you so very much for welcoming me into your country. It is with great humility and with God’s love that I greet you on my tour of the United States. You know, I have found in my short time here that America that, in this new millennium, the Catholic Church has much work to do. We are in a time when our moral and ethical standards seem to be lowered by the day. We have allowed permissiveness to flourish, and traded our moral bedrock for the shifting sands of licentiousness.
Benedictus Deus.
Benedictum Nomen Sanctum eius.
Benedictus Jesus Christus, verus Deus et verus homo.
Benedictum Arnold.
Eggs Benedictus.
Terry Benedictus de oceansus elevensus.
Gentle Benedictus.
Benedictus foldus cinque.
Amen.
As pontiff, and as a messenger of God, I would like to call upon the United States to join me in reestablishing the moral code that is God’s will. The time is urgent. I know people have accused my Church of being out of step with the times. But I argue that the times have fallen out of step with the Church! Just because how we live has changed, surely that doesn’t mean we must change how we worship, and how we give Praise to God through our compassion for others.
Domine Deus, amo te super omnia proximum meum propter te, wax museum, winky dinky dog, quia tu es summum, infinitum, Nissan Honda Toyota, et perfectissimum bonum, JENGA! omni dilectione dignum. Hyatt Cabo San Lucas. In hac caritate vivere et mori statuo. Method Man, Red man, RZA, GZA, ODB. Amen.
They have said that I am not a progressive Pope. That I am a “hard-liner”. And indeed, this is true. I have but one job, and one job only: to ensure that my parishioners live with the same inherent goodness and kindness that has served our Church, and mankind, for centuries. We have progressed. This is true. But we must never forget to appreciate what God has given us to thrive, nor must we ever forget to live with the humility and love he has long demanded of us. Time may change, but God’s will never has.
Dominic Dunne, firma penis credo et confiteor omnia et singula quae sancta ecclesia Catholica proponit, quia tu, Mootz salam gabbagool. Fettuicini Alfredo. Deus, ea omnia revelasti, qui es aeterna veritas pacman galaga dig dug 1941, et sapientia quae nec fallere nec falli potest. Dracula. Randy Quaid. In hac fide vivere et mori statuo. Amen.
I realize this won’t be easy. And, indeed, my Church has failed to lead by example in recent times. The sex scandals in the Church that have permeated America are a source of deep shame and regret. And saying we will take steps to protect children within our church is not enough. We have and shall continue exercising intensive oversight of all our parishes, to root out any pedophiles and to see them prosecuted to the full extent of the law. But that, also, is not enough. We must change attitudes within the Church, attitudes that have allowed this sort of thing to fester. And I know exactly who to turn to.
This man. Chris Henry of the Cincinnati Bengals. This man could very well hold the key to shifting the attitudes of some of our younger priests. I do not expect some of our younger priests to simply quit young boys cold turkey. Rather, I ask that they follow this young man’s example: getting underaged girls drunk, groping them in the back of a van, etc. That’s WAY better. If we could simply get some of our younger priests to go a little older, and to switch over to molesting girls instead of boys, I think it would go a long way to helping rectify the problem.
Sanctus, Sanctus, Sanctus, Dominus Deus exercituum: Plena es terra gloria tua: Gloria Patri, Gloria Filio, Gloria Estefan, Gloria Swanson, Gloria I think they got your number, Gloria Steinem, Gloria Gaynor, Gloria Vanderbilt. Duck duck goose. Amen.
The idea of violating young boys is just so horrifying. But teenage girls? Eh, that’s not so bad. That Emma Watson is practically begging for it. I think God would be far more accepting of such behavior. I am a rigid man. This is true. But that should not confused for a lack of action. Our values are timeless, but our methods for instilling then in our congregation shall be state of the art.
So, America, please know that the Catholic Church will end this problem. Soon, our priests will be lusting after Catholic schoolgirls, and knocking them up during private study sessions. Just as God intended. It is good.
Ave Maria, gratia plena, Au gratin. Au jus. Au pair. Big John Studd. Peach Melba. Angry pirate. Rusty trombonus. I miss the bus. You miss the bus. We miss the bus. Amen.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, his holiness, on your knees now children, one way ticket to hell
April 16th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
This is a freaking masterpiece. Your grasp of the latin Catholic mass is astounding.
April 16th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
Outstanding! All this time I didn’t think I could read Latin.
April 16th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
emma watson turned 18 yesterday, so everyone can have at it
April 16th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
I never knew “Big John Stud” was latin.
April 16th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
The Holy Trinity: making fun of the Pope, the Bengals and the Catholics all in one post. Very well done.
April 16th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
I thought for sure Dirk Benedictus would have made it into the mass…
April 16th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
Nice post
I must say though, Redman is not a member of wu…
/pretentious
before u say I’m a douche though imagine if I asked you if Van Halen was in Metallica…
April 16th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
You missed “in flagrante delicto”…
April 16th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
This is a freaking masterpiece. Your grasp of the latin Catholic mass is astounding.
Agreed.
I had no idea that Pope Benedict was the death-row priest from “Johnny Dangerously.”
April 16th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
I had no idea that Pope Benedict was the death-row priest from “Johnny Dangerously”
THAT’S A FARGIN TRICK QUESTION!
April 16th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
THAT’S A FARGIN TRICK QUESTION!
Ask and ye shall receive: What a mouth on that guy!
April 16th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
Whoops, here’s the right one from Moronie.
/i could do this all day
April 16th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
If this is the new-look Catholic Church, I’m gonna have to see about gettin’ some of that sacrament juice.
April 16th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
Dear bastages…
April 16th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
before u say I’m a douche though imagine if I asked you if Van Halen was in Metallica…
Nah, you’re right. We’re in the hip hop biz now, so I needs to come correct.
April 16th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
I would like to direct this to the distinguished members of the panel: You lousy corksuckers. You have violated my farging rights. Dis somanumbatching country was founded so that the liberties of common patriotic citizens… like me… could not be taken away by a bunch of fargin iceholes…like yourselves.
/would post videos but youtube is blocked at work
April 16th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
That’s exactly the type of stuff I would expect to come out of the mouth of the Anti-Christ. Luther, Calvin, Zwingli,: they all had it right. While I don’t myself want a direct ticket to hell, I have full confidence in saying: the Pope is not God’s appointed “man on the scene.” That man is Brian Fontana.
April 16th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
Phil Simms does not approve.
April 16th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Benedictus foldus cinque had me doubled over. JENGA! put me over the edge. This may be my single favorite post in KSK history–and I’m a churchgoing Catholic.
April 16th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
speaking of burning in hell, I wonder how john paul II is doing
April 16th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
speaking of burning in hell, I wonder how john paul II is doing
Over the spit, probably 15-20 minutes per pound.
April 16th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
winky dinky dog/i>
Wow. Didn’t know the Pope was up on his 1980’s Robert Townsend movies.
As the Double-J would say…
“This post was HI-lar-eeee-ussss. Now stop molestin’ those hot dogs Tittee McPhee.”
April 16th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
I’m an idiot, should have closed the italics.
/jackass
April 16th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
I’m guessing U-God and Inspector Deck are sad the Pope left them out.
April 16th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
[...] The Pope gives his thoughts on Chris Henry. (Kissing Suzy Kolber) [...]
April 16th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
Biggus Dickus made the Mass, but what about Inconinentia Buttocks?
April 16th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
Back in Sunday School, the nuns taught us Latin by playing Laura Branigan. It was only one song, though.
April 16th, 2008 at 4:57 pm
Vocatus atque non vocatus, Wu-tang aderit.
Bitches.
April 16th, 2008 at 5:09 pm
You could have used about 20 different Harry Potter spells in that pseudo-Latin stuff as well.
April 16th, 2008 at 7:22 pm
Angry Pirate!
April 16th, 2008 at 7:40 pm
You could have used about 20 different Harry Potter spells in that pseudo-Latin stuff as well.
True, but then he would’ve had to tell his parents he was gay.
April 16th, 2008 at 9:51 pm
Is the Bear Catholic?
Whoops, wrong post.
April 16th, 2008 at 9:53 pm
i am a catholic from Cincinnati and I thought this was hilarious.
April 16th, 2008 at 11:13 pm
Have you noticed how great posts yield great comments? KSK’s eaders are almost - almost - as clever as the Staff.
April 17th, 2008 at 3:48 am
Once again, Grandpa Drew congratulations himself on prep school-money well spent.