I Can’t Decide Whether To Vote For Dat Skinny Black Kid Or Dat Scary-Looking White Dude
(eats Primanti sub)
Man, it’s already primary day n’at. Gotta head dahntahn. Who yinz votin’ fur? I’ve been tinkin’ real hard ahn this one, but I just can’t decide if I should vote for dat skinny black kid or dat scary-looking white dude.
(eats tray of macaroni and cheese using small shovel)
I mean, I kinda like dat black kid. I’ve never hoid a blackie talk like that. Sometime I tink he’s just a white guy who got lost in a coal mine for, like, a real long time. But den I see him ahn Oprah, and he starts with the “urban” talk, like “Yo go girl!” n’at. I don’t really like that. Why can’t dey talk normal likes us folks?
I already kinda daw-out whether the skinny black guy can do it. I voted for Swannie for governor and he didn’t win. If Swannie can’t do it, Stallworth probably couldn’t. And if Stallworth couldn’t, Yancey Thigpen would prawbably be hard-pressed. If so, this guy is just jaggin’ us around.
Yinz think they let you drink Ahrns in the voting booth?
(eats large plate of fatback, offers you some)
Did jeat yet? Jeat? Yo man, you gotta try dis. It’s like the best part of bacon! Only bigger! Anyways, I kinda like dat black kid. But I dunno, he seems awfully smart. And dose smart people, they always tink they’re better dan folks like me. I mean, I put my pants on one size-72 leg at a time. I bet dis black kid don’t. I bet he got some fancy-ass, pants-putting-on machine. The kind they give out at Harvard. I don’t like people like dat. Dey’re not real.
(drinks liquefied ham sandwich)
Den again, he seems like an okay guy. He says folks like me are bitter. And dis is true. I am bitter. BITTER THAT THOSE STUPID FUCKIN’ JAGUIRES TOOK OUT MY BELOVED STILLERS! DAT’S NOT A REAL TEAM! WHERE’S DA HISTORY?! So yeah, he was kinda right dere. I’m so pissed about that loss, I just wanna go shoot someone in the name of Jesus.
Den again, that little blackie can’t bowl! I don’t trust no one dat can’t roll. If you’re gonna come to Picksberg, you better be ready to bowl. Dat guy on dat 9/11 plane was. He said, “Let’s roll,” den came right here to Pennsylvania. Dis is where folks wanna bowl. That Yomama guy sure did bowl like a fairy. And I can’t vote for a fairy. Black is okay. But a black fairy? Dat’s like, tree strikes. Get aht tahwn, jagoff!
(folds entire Papa John’s pizza in half, eats in one bite)
I need a candidate whose gahn deal with the shit I need to get done. I want a president whose gahn make sure I can always drive my truck 100 mph down the PA turnpike and run smaller cars off da road. I need a candidate who’s gahn make sure those crazy immigrants don’t take my job, or any of this delicious blueberry pie!
(buries face in pie)
I dunno if little Urkel’s gonna do all dat. Also, he might be a terrorist.
But he might be better dan dis guy!
Hoooooo! Dat is one scary lookin’ white dude! I saw him at our bar just da other night. He had dis scary face and really HUGE ass. I mean, I seen some big asses in my day. But you could hit golf balls against dis one! I mean, he’s all right. He sounds like he’s one of us. My boy Jeff did two shots with him. Then, he threw a dart right in that ass. The dude didn’t even blink! Dat’s pretty good, if you ask me.
(eats emporer-sized PayDay bar)
Plus dis white guy likes to shoot guns. And I like to shoot guns, too! We got so much in common like dat! Not like dat Harvard guy. Plus, I kept asking dis guy what he was gonna do for me. Was he gonna help cut out a larger doorway in my house? Was he gonna lower all those taxes I pay? I paid, like, $15 last year! Bull shit! Was he gonna widen da highways so I can swerve all over da road like I love to do? Was he gonna nuke da crazy out dem towelheads?
And he said yes, he would! Dat’s good stuff.
Den again, he’s got one weird voice. I feel like I’m at da zoo whenever I hear dat shit. It makes my penis stop working.
Da real question dough is, which one of dese guys likes da Stillers most? Dat’s what’s really what matters to me most. IIIIIIIII GOT A FEEEEEEEELING PICKSBERG’S GOING TAH THE SOOPER BOWL!
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, cowritten by xmas ape, fat people, primaries, yinzers
April 22nd, 2008 at 10:54 am
Bettis endorsed Obama. Jus’ saying.
April 22nd, 2008 at 10:58 am
Coach Z?
April 22nd, 2008 at 11:05 am
Dey took er jerrrrbbbbs!!!
April 22nd, 2008 at 11:06 am
It’s good to see my roommate from freshman year at Penn State has been found and follows politics. He’ll be voting for Obama because of the strong resemblance to Lynn Swann.
Keep away from the “Ahh-rn Sittee”……
April 22nd, 2008 at 11:06 am
You couldn’t find an unflattering picture of Hillary?
April 22nd, 2008 at 11:08 am
There’s a former Bears linebacker named Doug Buffone who does NFL analysis for WSCR, the Chicago sports radio station. He was born and raised in Pittsburgh and spent most of his adult life in Chicago. It’s like the Perfect Storm of repulsive accents.
April 22nd, 2008 at 11:09 am
Are Emo Eagles writing in for Gore?
April 22nd, 2008 at 11:13 am
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again — democracy just doesn’t work, people!
April 22nd, 2008 at 11:17 am
I figured Hillary would have the much sought-after Triple Bypass demographic locked up. The International Cankles Convention pretty much solidified that with their endorsement.
Also, this made me hungry.
April 22nd, 2008 at 11:41 am
I assume Ape’s contribution to this article went like this
BDD: [on phone] hey Ape can you say the words “they, on, Pittsburgh and three”
APE: dey, ahn, picksburgh, tree. Ennyting elsh asshole?
BDD: No thanks man thats all I needed
April 22nd, 2008 at 11:48 am
If there is any way to get the Marmalard picture next to that one of Hillary in a future post, that would be awesome.
Also, I fucking hate the Pennsylvania Turnpike (except the Allegheny Tunnel – I love the tunnel).
April 22nd, 2008 at 11:51 am
Shinnons– Don’t insult Gore like that! No candidate ever deserves the endorsement of the Eagles.
April 22nd, 2008 at 12:03 pm
At the end of the day, this guy will vote for the scary looking white dude, because Obama will remind him of David Garrard
/drinks bottle of Heinz 57 sauce
April 22nd, 2008 at 12:06 pm
A Payday and not a Clark bar? Weak. Probably an Iggles fan at heart.
April 22nd, 2008 at 12:07 pm
Jeff, you forgot: “Ape, what’s on the lunch menu today for elementary school kids and seniors today in Pittsburgh?”
“Primantis, mac and cheese, fatback, pizza, PayDays. And to drink, ham sandwiches.”
April 22nd, 2008 at 12:14 pm
So, Tommy from Quinzee has a cousin now? Sure he talks a little funny, but everything else seems right.
*munches some Scrabble*
April 22nd, 2008 at 12:23 pm
A 9/11 reference, haha, not what I was expecting, but great. I’m going to hell.
April 22nd, 2008 at 12:24 pm
don’t choke on those tiles there, Mike
April 22nd, 2008 at 12:27 pm
You can’t spell “Scrapple” without “apple,” so I figure it must be good for you. Right?
April 22nd, 2008 at 12:28 pm
Scrabble?
April 22nd, 2008 at 12:31 pm
@smurphette: YA BETTER VOTE FOR SOMEBODAY
April 22nd, 2008 at 12:32 pm
I had to look up Primanti’s (BTW–ewww), and found this article, no doubt written by Drew as well.
April 22nd, 2008 at 12:38 pm
Thank you, Mamacita, for that Wikipedia link, which has introduced the phrase “loose meat sandwich” into my lexicon.
April 22nd, 2008 at 12:39 pm
I assume the liquefied ham sandwich was Isaly’s Chip Chopped Ham.
April 22nd, 2008 at 12:40 pm
I hope we get a counterpoint from Philly’s finest. I’d recommend talking with the counter man at Geno’s, where they have a sign demanding that all customers speak English — even though dey demselves speak an odd dialect full of Wiz Wits and all dat.
No need to write about the middle of the state, a.k.a. Pennsyltucky. They hate the broad and there’s no chance in hell they’d ever vote for a colored fella.
April 22nd, 2008 at 12:46 pm
I imagine that Clinton will finish a few votes shy of Obama in the primary today, prompting the state comptroller to hold up one arm to signal a win for Barak. However Hillary will put the ball over the goal line after she is down, so that the comptroller will raise both hands, and give her the win.
April 22nd, 2008 at 12:51 pm
I’ve actually seen that PBS special, mamacita.
Words just can’t capture the magic. I’m salivating just thinking about it.
April 22nd, 2008 at 1:06 pm
@grimey: Haha, thank you for putting into words what I was imagining that post would be like.
April 22nd, 2008 at 1:08 pm
I believe James Carville once said, and I’m paraphrasing here, that Pennsylvania is Philadelphia and Pittsburgh on either side of the state and Alabama everywhere else.
Yep. That’s about right.
/lives in Central PA.
April 22nd, 2008 at 1:09 pm
/and lived in Alabama for a few years
April 22nd, 2008 at 1:20 pm
I jus wanna let yinz know I’m votin’ fer whoever Donny Iris is votin’ fer.
April 22nd, 2008 at 1:26 pm
from a Yinzer (that’s a person from Pittsburgh…) living in Philadelphia:
first off, Primantis are sandwiches, not subs.
second of all, it’s true that the primary issue for Pittsburghians, including myself, is how much each of the respective candidates likes the steelers.
third of all, nice yancy thigpen reference.
April 22nd, 2008 at 1:26 pm
Grimey, that was an extremely well-played Homestar Runner reference.
^5
April 22nd, 2008 at 1:41 pm
How did you guys get an interview with every one of my uncles? And yes they do all have mustaches why do you ask?
April 22nd, 2008 at 1:44 pm
no nightmare fuel tag for the hillary image?
please guys, I’m still a young man…
April 22nd, 2008 at 1:52 pm
Yinzers are deciding the fate of America–be afraid (an’ at). I had Primanti’s on Sunday and I saw lots of Obama buttons. Frank O’Harris is endorsing his fellow Irishman Barack O’Bama–and so did Rooney–so what else do you need?
April 22nd, 2008 at 2:31 pm
The real question is:
CAN YOU SMELL WHAT BARRACK IS COOKIN’?
A: Geno’s steaks slathered with da Whiz. OOOOOOOO YEAAAAAH!
/going away now
April 22nd, 2008 at 2:45 pm
Obama has the backing of Rooney and Bettis — Stillers fans, the choice is clear.
April 22nd, 2008 at 2:58 pm
And we wonder why we spend half our time telling people we are not all morons? Obama ‘08
April 22nd, 2008 at 3:33 pm
Fun Fact: They’re more Yinzers outside of Western PA then actually in Pittsburgh. Damn you steel industry collapse! The rusted out mills in McKeesport are lovely this time of year.
April 22nd, 2008 at 3:44 pm
Read it, laughed at how true it all is, then became very depressed, sitting in my North Hills home.
Jagoffs.
N’at.
April 22nd, 2008 at 3:46 pm
As a Yinzer stuck in Alabama, central PA is positively cosmopolitan by comparison to this joint.
/fantasizes about a chipped ham samich
April 22nd, 2008 at 3:49 pm
As someone married to a woman from Picksburgh I would like to take offense to this portrayal of ‘Burghers.
But you pretty much nailed it. ‘N ‘at.
April 22nd, 2008 at 3:50 pm
“I’ve never hoid a blackie talk like that…”
Since when did Yinzers start talking like Johnny Knuckles from 1940s detective movies?
April 22nd, 2008 at 4:00 pm
@ BS – eat your words cockbag, the eagles will support whoever they want to. im thinkin mike gravel
April 22nd, 2008 at 6:56 pm
I guess the “cowritten by Xmas Ape” tag means “People in Pennsylvania will not kill Big Daddy Drew the next time he comes here because a Steelers fan approved this post.”
April 22nd, 2008 at 9:03 pm
thank you!
April 23rd, 2008 at 4:32 am
This was a most fine parody of the bourgeoisie. You have captured their dialect, eating habits, and stupidity in one mighty fine instance of observational humour. That being said, If I ever see you “Mr. Daddy Drew” I will destroy your carotid artery in a manner that Mr. Berkman only dreamed of.
P.s. Mr. Ape shall join my list of “roustabouts” for his contribution to this blasphemy.
April 23rd, 2008 at 7:41 am
the bigger problem is..no really good iron city house rocker songs on I-tunes
April 23rd, 2008 at 2:32 pm
Not your best. Lousy phonetic spellings of the Pittsburgh-ese. Plus you lose it early when you say “I never hoid …” That’s straight out of New Jersey, or some such armpit. Plus we’re nice people anyway. Making fun of Mass-holes is much better.
April 23rd, 2008 at 9:00 pm
@paddy:Ditto.
For the record, we’re not all fat, disgusting slobs. I say this, mind you, living a mere block from Primanti Brothers, and the drunk’s paradise that is East Carson St.
Besides, they’re wayyyyy fatter in Philly. Butterscotch Krimpets and Lorenzo’s anyone?
/goes back to drinking Augistiner & watching the Pirates lose.