Shawne Merriman: Aw, fuck, again!? This is the second one that’s been torched in the last few weeks. Can’t be having this shit.

Dexter, man, you gotta help me out with this.


Dexter Morgan: Well, usually I only handle murders. This scene here, though, it’s remarkably clean. Expertly done. Almost as though they’re trying to send a message? But to whom?

Oh my God. There seems to be some sort of inscription here.

“Get hence, the hearse is at your door—the grim black stallions wait—
“They bear your clay to place to-day. Speed, lest ye come too late!
“Go back to Earth with lip unsealed—go back with open eye,
“And carry my word to the Sons of Men or ever ye come to die:
“That the sin they do by two and two they must pay for one by one,
“And . . . the God you took from a printed book be with you, Tomlinson!”

Okay. Okay. Before we jump to a quick conclusion here, I’d…

[Merriman charges off in a rage]

[Sigh] Just like my dad.

[Chargers training facility]

Tomlinson: What up, Shawne?

[Merriman slams him against locker]

Tomlinson: Aw, man, my threads, baby!

Merriman: Why make car go boom? Why make car two go boom?

Tomlinson: Your car? Shit. You think I did that? The fuck gave you that idea?

[Door flies open]

Philip Rivers: Ya betta ask somebodddddaaaaayyyyy!

LaKneeInjury, what’ve you done!? First you sabotage our team by being Gimpy Longstocking at the end of the year, now you go all Ralph Wiggum on our personal property? I have half an ACL to take this boot up your ass.

Is this how you thank one of our defensive stalwarts? Huh? Is it? Huh? FUCK YOU

And, hey, loogit what I found here in LaArsonist’s locker:

Oh, howdy there, Professor Gas Can. What’s that, teach? Holding a lecture on a practicums of SUV explosivity?

Think you’re so secure now that Michael Turner’s gone, you can go what you want, Viceroy Vizio? WELL YOU CAN’T, COCKBAG! I WON’T HAVE YOUR POWER GRAB!

Tomlinson: No, no, that’s that mine. I’ve never seen that. I couldn’t!

Rivers: Je accuse, LT! Je buttfucking accuse! Your visor can’t hide your guilt, dammit!

Merriman: CRUSH KILL DESTROY

Norv Turner: [Entering] Hey, Phil, what’d you say you needed this vehicle registry for team members for?

Rivers: …

Uhhhh

I

Ummm

[Throws down smoke bomb. It suspends in the air for about 25 seconds, taking a few loops, before gently touching down]


Rivers: Bwahahahaha!

Tomlinson: You wanna just go to his house and bang his wife?

Merriman: Sure, why not?