Captain Caveman’s NFL Dream Diary: Shaun Alexander at Disney World?
So I’m at Disney World, right? I don’t know why. Probably has something to do with jerking off to The Little Mermaid earlier in the night. Except what’s really been on my mind recently is the Seahawks’ draft. They’ve spent so much money locking up stars and getting free agents that this draft has to fill some serious needs. They’ve got practically no cap space at all.
Anyway, the point is I’m at Disney World, except it’s like, I don’t know, not exactly Disney World, you know? Like at one point I went to get a hamburger, and the inside of the restaurant was my 10th grade English class. Mrs. Stevens was there and everything. She was hot — not super-hot, but teacher-hot — and married to a crippled guy, so we all wondered if he was the kind of crippled guy who could have sex or not. We all wanted to bang her so bad.
I walk out of the restaurant/classroom, and BANG, there’s that stupid parade that they do every goddam day: plush Disney characters walking by, snot-nosed kids with sticky ice-cream faces agape, fucking Cinderella atop her little coach. Cinderella’s super-hot, by the way, so I have a quick little side-dream where I crush her ass.
And then there’s Shaun Alexander.
Shaun’s kinda like a grandfather with Alzheimer’s these days. You’ve got fond memories of him taking you fishing and teaching you how to tie your shoes, but now he’s nothing like those fond memories and you’re kinda just ready for him to die.
And so I was just thinking about my grandfather and wondering if he’s gonna get Alzheimer’s, when I hear the horn-blast of a semi and an 18-wheeler comes fucking OUT OF NOWHERE, mowing down screaming families and plowing into the back quarter-panel of Shaun’s convertible.
The sound of crunching metal is ear-splitting. The little Chrysler flies like a cue ball on the break down a full block of shitty stores selling mouse ears for 23 bucks a pop. Minnie’s lifeless body lies crumpled like a rag doll, and I can see blood starting to seep through the plush costume. Shaun’s nowhere to be seen, but I’m guessing that all I have to do is find a first-down marker, and he’ll be two yards shy of it.
I look down at my hands, and I’m holding a glass of 18-year-old Glenlivet and a freshly lit cigarette. So I take a long pull of the drink and a drag off the smoke, and think, “Ahhhhh, cap space before the draft.”
Then I woke up.
Tags: captain caveman, NFL Dream Diaries, sweet shaun alexander plan on driving into you
April 21st, 2008 at 10:40 am
I always had a thing for Minnie Mouse myself.
April 21st, 2008 at 10:49 am
So? Was Jim Leyritz OK too?
April 21st, 2008 at 10:53 am
Posted by Joel and Ethan Coen.
Based upon the fanaticism of Cormac McCarthy.
April 21st, 2008 at 11:05 am
I had the exact same dream. Only, replace Disney World with Sea World, swap out the parade for a procession of mermaids and dolphins, exchange Sean Alexander for Daryl Hannah in “Splash”, transform “car accident” to “hand job”, and kill the “salary cap” element of it completely, because THAT would make no sense at all.
// Re-written for Direct-to-DVD release
April 21st, 2008 at 11:13 am
Shaun just needed Steve Hutchinson blocking for him and he’d have gotten all that Coors to Atlanta.
What, you’re dreams aren’t all inspired by Smokey and the Bandit? Pretentious!
April 21st, 2008 at 11:16 am
When you wish upon a star…………
/keeping with the Disney theme
April 21st, 2008 at 11:16 am
ugh. “you’re?” what a fucking retard.
April 21st, 2008 at 11:16 am
Matt Hasselbeck=the next Shaun Alexander
April 21st, 2008 at 11:37 am
is that the surrogate driving sean and minnie around?
April 21st, 2008 at 11:47 am
Former Cowboys running backs are not the answer. Just ask the Arizona Cardinals.
/wants Shaun around just because he’s the only Seahawks jersey I have.
April 21st, 2008 at 11:52 am
“Minnie’s daddy gon’ whup her fo’ ridin’ with that boy.” - Carolina Thunder, Traveler’s Rest, SC
April 21st, 2008 at 11:54 am
@slothrop
If Hutch is Bandit, and Alexander is Snowman, who’s Fred? Hasslbeck? Is fathertime the group of bikers who beat up Snowman?
April 21st, 2008 at 11:54 am
Did you notice in the picture with Shaun that no one is actually looking at him? Almost as if they are ashamed to acknowledge his presence. Being from Alabama, though, I can’t knock Shaun too hard.
April 21st, 2008 at 12:15 pm
Seriously, can’t we just take Shaun Alexander out behind the woodshed and pull a Barbaro on him or something?
April 21st, 2008 at 12:23 pm
The driver of that truck? Jerramy Stevens.
April 21st, 2008 at 12:35 pm
It was obviously a dream if you saw Shaun Alexander at Disney World.
In real life, only Super Bowl winners go there.
April 21st, 2008 at 12:43 pm
The best part of this dream is the Saab convertible which changes into a Nissan Altima, then back into a convertible only this time it’s a Chrysler.
April 21st, 2008 at 12:46 pm
Exhibit # 8,416 why not enough is being done to treat PTSD in our armed forces veterans.
April 21st, 2008 at 12:54 pm
“waiting for him to die”… “2 yards short”… brilliant.
And kudos to whowillsexmutombo - who hasn’t had the Daryl Hannah/Splash/Handjob dream?
April 21st, 2008 at 1:04 pm
Appearing at Disney, in the back of a car with Minnie riding shotgun…and no SB ring to give him a pass?
His descent into irrelevance is now complete.
April 21st, 2008 at 1:21 pm
In your dream Matt, was Tim Ruskell driving the semi?
April 21st, 2008 at 1:38 pm
Violence + getting cap space = yesyesyes
April 21st, 2008 at 1:40 pm
So wait, where’s the part where you point to the heavens and thank Jesus?
Or is that only in Madden?
April 21st, 2008 at 3:24 pm
This makes complete sense if Justin Strzwlczyk is driving the semi. If he’s behind the wheel then this entire dream is very believable. Especially the part about jerking off to the Little Mermaid and wanting to crush Cinderella.
April 21st, 2008 at 3:26 pm
or Strzelczyk even. Yeah, I had to look it up. No wonder the guy went over the edge, having to spell that fuckin’ name is whole life.
April 21st, 2008 at 7:58 pm
I’m sure Matt pounded his chest and gave the peace sign to the waiting camera Sammy Sosa style after the wreck.
“Beisbol been berry berry good to me.” Or some shit like that.
April 22nd, 2008 at 3:01 pm
Two yards shy of a first down marker? Well, yeah, and standing out of bounds two yards shy of the marker, and of course untouched with no grass stains.