Better Know a Draft Pick: Vernon Gholston
Name: Vernon Gholston
Nickname: Unknown (meaning I don’t know).
Suggested Nickname: Unknown (at least until he says otherwise).
Height/Weight: Statuesque.
Body Type: After his pro day one NFL coach told KSK (on the condition of anonymity), “that kid’s body makes me harder than an enema from my Puerto Rican nurse.” And that coach was Monte Kiffin.
Early Aspirations: Before football Vernon was a pre-teen body builder. Meaning yes, even a pre-pubescent version of Vernon could kick the living shit out of your pathetic blog reading ass.
Speed: Big Ten-ish.
Muscles: Medium twitch.
Urine Sample: Intensity.
Stool Sample: Steamy.
Who Wants Him: Oakland. But to be fair, they also shown interest in a panda who is purported to have been trained to play right guard.
Who Will Take Him: St. Louis. Because fuck Chris Long, that’s why.
Immediate Impact: Bone crushing.
Down the Road: A locker filled with enough steroids to stock a Mexican pharmacy.
Previously on Better Know a Draft Pick…
Matt Ryan
Glenn Dorsey
Darren McFadden
Tags: Better Know a Draft Pick, Unsilent Majority, vernon gholston
April 11th, 2008 at 10:43 am
Hey, he doesn’t do steroids! The bulging veins are the product of…well, ok, he does steroids…
April 11th, 2008 at 11:06 am
Is it just me or does that panda look like a drunken midget in a panda suit?
Look at his eyes!
April 11th, 2008 at 11:34 am
That panda is adorable. There, I said it.
April 11th, 2008 at 11:35 am
but the panda is black AND white, that means he’s a freakish athlete with a motor that never quits,
talk about a sure thing!
April 11th, 2008 at 11:46 am
The panda seems to have a “Take my wallet, my car, and my girlfriend.. just please don’t hurt me, Mr. Gholston,” look to him.
April 11th, 2008 at 11:50 am
The bulging veins are the product of…
masturbation?
just kidding… please don’t kill me.
April 11th, 2008 at 11:58 am
Bob Sanders thinks those guns are pretty weak.
April 11th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
Man….I’m scared for white girls everywhere.
April 11th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
Why do I get the feeling you spell Gholston, M-A-M-U-L-A?
April 11th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
He seems very Alonzo Spellman-ish to me.
April 11th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
@smurphette
When Bob Sanders does a push up he doesn’t actually push himself up. He pushes the earth down.
April 14th, 2008 at 11:47 am
It’s the second coming of Bob Sanders.
April 16th, 2008 at 8:38 am
[...] in the Hazean’s 2008 NFL mock draft. We’re representing the Jets and their #6 pick. We went with Vernon Gholston, whose name has been associated with the Jets for a good month now. He’s a perfect fit for them, [...]
June 4th, 2008 at 10:39 am
[...] earlier this year it appeared that they’d at least mastered the art of selecting the most aesthetically pleasing candidate available, but recent events have cast doubt on that [...]