Better Know a Draft Pick: Chris Long
Name: Chris Howard Long
Nickname: None needed.
Reason to Hate Him Site Unseen: His life has always been, and will always be, better than yours. You know it, he knows it, and your mother knows it.
Father: Howie Long, television personality.
Mother: Teri Hatcher, real and spectacular.
DNA Sample: Gattaca’d
Height: Good.
Weight: Great.
Strength: Grand.
Motor: High.
Mainstream Comparison: Patrick Kerney.
KSK Comparison: Uh…Howie Long?
Who Wants Him: Journalists
Who Will Take Him: St. Louis. But the real contest will be the battle royal between journalists. The last man standing will receive all rights towards any future Chris Long journoporn.
Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: What, are you fucking kidding me? He’s the golden child. God forbid he should be photographed passed out drunk on The Lawn next to a crusty old longshoreman.
Immediate Impact: Immediately impactful.
Down the Road: Annual Pro Bowl trips, warranted or otherwise.
Tags: Better Know a Draft Pick, Chris Long, Unsilent Majority
April 17th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
“gattaca’d” : fucking brilliant.
April 17th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
Props on the gattaca reference.
/gives whatever the fuck “props” are to maj
April 17th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
His life has always been, and will always be, better than yours.
But can he overuse commas? I think not.
April 17th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Teri Hatcher isn’t my mom. At least I hope not, because I banged her on the set of those radio shack commercials
April 17th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
@dick - I think it’s weed.
April 17th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
This just in: David Arquette and Courtney Cox’s son has had an asthma attack while playing World of Warcraft.
April 17th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
If he weren’t Howie Long’s son, I would be unshakably convinced that he was actually David Pollack trying to make a comeback.
April 17th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
So, I’ve been meaning to ask…could someone please explain to me the Suzy Kolber head that pops up on the banner and then makes it go black? Am I missing something there? What does it mean? My brain hurts.
April 17th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
I have seen the movie Heaven’s Prisoners, and I call bullshit on “spectacular“
April 17th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
@Grimey
I don’t know what was more earth-shattering to me: finding out I was adopted, or seeing the clip from Heaven’s Prisoners on Mr. Skin.
April 17th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
I have seen the movie Heaven’s Prisoners, and I call bullshit on “spectacular“
AHHH! NO!
April 17th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
Hey look, it’s UVA’s once-a-decade impact grad. Ronde Barber salutes you! (And before you ask, everyone knows Tiki is just leftover Ronde.)
April 17th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
You forget D’Brickshaw.
April 17th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
@ Grimey - sooooo true!
Also, Teri Hatcher and Sarah Jessica Parker tie for “Scariest Looking Woman in HD”.
April 17th, 2008 at 5:00 pm
as always glad to see you guys using your rationed 40 seconds of internet for the betterment of humanity
/awesome
April 17th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
@ Grimey: Yeah, Heaven’s Prisoners killed ol’ Teri’s career for quite a long while. Rare that a nude scene does that for an actress
April 17th, 2008 at 8:50 pm
His life has always been, and will always be, better than yours. You know it, he knows it, and your mother knows it.
Yeah, that sounds about right. But that’s half the guys you meet at UVA; at least he’s going to play on Sundays and has a halfway legitimate reason to be cocky.
April 17th, 2008 at 9:13 pm
Heath Miller anyone?
April 18th, 2008 at 12:22 am
pros: explosiveness at point of attack
cons: wears shirt and tie to games
April 18th, 2008 at 10:23 am
Hey look, it’s UVA’s once-a-decade impact grad
Clearly someone took a hit from the crack pipe this morning.
Tiki & Ronde Barber
Heath Miller
D’Brickashaw Ferguson
Patrick Kerney
James Farrior
Thomas Jones
Chris Canty
Just to name a few. And yes, we are all better than the rest of you. Wahoo Wah!
April 18th, 2008 at 10:59 am
Dude obviously has been taking HGH since he was 11. You gonna tell me Howie’s got a pile of that shit in his bathroom and he’s not feeding it to little Chrissie?
April 18th, 2008 at 4:49 pm
Yes! Finally, the C-Long BKADP I’ve been waiting for. Love the journoporn reference. 10 bucks says he becomes Peter King’s next object of affection.
My only complaint is: What? No “Firestorm” reference?
May 16th, 2008 at 11:40 pm
chris..nice try..u did not nail or bang terri hatcher on the set of the radio shack commercials…btw…how is that kickstand of yours? careful of where u put ur dna…
robbie
ivy, va 22945