Better Know a Draft Pick: Chris Long
04.17.08
Name: Chris Howard Long
Nickname: None needed.
Reason to Hate Him Site Unseen: His life has always been, and will always be, better than yours. You know it, he knows it, and your mother knows it.
Father: Howie Long, television personality.
Mother: Teri Hatcher, real and spectacular.
DNA Sample: Gattaca’d
Height: Good.
Weight: Great.
Strength: Grand.
Motor: High.
Mainstream Comparison: Patrick Kerney.
KSK Comparison: Uh…Howie Long?
Who Wants Him: Journalists
Who Will Take Him: St. Louis. But the real contest will be the battle royal between journalists. The last man standing will receive all rights towards any future Chris Long journoporn.
Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: What, are you fucking kidding me? He’s the golden child. God forbid he should be photographed passed out drunk on The Lawn next to a crusty old longshoreman.
Immediate Impact: Immediately impactful.
Down the Road: Annual Pro Bowl trips, warranted or otherwise.
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/global/images/default-avatar.jpg){kind=avatar}
![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/02/lol-gonna-miss-you-nfl-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/02/scrooge-150x150.gif)
chris..nice try..u did not nail or bang terri hatcher on the set of the radio shack commercials…btw…how is that kickstand of yours? careful of where u put ur dna…
robbie
ivy, va 22945
Yes! Finally, the C-Long BKADP I’ve been waiting for. Love the journoporn reference. 10 bucks says he becomes Peter King’s next object of affection.
My only complaint is: What? No “Firestorm” reference?
Dude obviously has been taking HGH since he was 11. You gonna tell me Howie’s got a pile of that shit in his bathroom and he’s not feeding it to little Chrissie?
Hey look, it’s UVA’s once-a-decade impact grad
Clearly someone took a hit from the crack pipe this morning.
Tiki & Ronde Barber
Heath Miller
D’Brickashaw Ferguson
Patrick Kerney
James Farrior
Thomas Jones
Chris Canty
Just to name a few. And yes, we are all better than the rest of you. Wahoo Wah!
pros: explosiveness at point of attack
cons: wears shirt and tie to games
Heath Miller anyone?
His life has always been, and will always be, better than yours. You know it, he knows it, and your mother knows it.
Yeah, that sounds about right. But that’s half the guys you meet at UVA; at least he’s going to play on Sundays and has a halfway legitimate reason to be cocky.
@ Grimey: Yeah, Heaven’s Prisoners killed ol’ Teri’s career for quite a long while. Rare that a nude scene does that for an actress
as always glad to see you guys using your rationed 40 seconds of internet for the betterment of humanity
/awesome
@ Grimey – sooooo true!
Also, Teri Hatcher and Sarah Jessica Parker tie for “Scariest Looking Woman in HD”.
You forget D’Brickshaw.
Hey look, it’s UVA’s once-a-decade impact grad. Ronde Barber salutes you! (And before you ask, everyone knows Tiki is just leftover Ronde.)
I have seen the movie Heaven’s Prisoners, and I call bullshit on “spectacular“
AHHH! NO!
@Grimey
I don’t know what was more earth-shattering to me: finding out I was adopted, or seeing the clip from Heaven’s Prisoners on Mr. Skin.
I have seen the movie Heaven’s Prisoners, and I call bullshit on “spectacular“
So, I’ve been meaning to ask…could someone please explain to me the Suzy Kolber head that pops up on the banner and then makes it go black? Am I missing something there? What does it mean? My brain hurts.
If he weren’t Howie Long’s son, I would be unshakably convinced that he was actually David Pollack trying to make a comeback.
This just in: David Arquette and Courtney Cox’s son has had an asthma attack while playing World of Warcraft.
@dick – I think it’s weed.
Teri Hatcher isn’t my mom. At least I hope not, because I banged her on the set of those radio shack commercials
His life has always been, and will always be, better than yours.
But can he overuse commas? I think not.
Props on the gattaca reference.
/gives whatever the fuck “props” are to maj
“gattaca’d” : fucking brilliant.