More than a few of you suggested that we should use this week’s draft to jumpstart Ape’s career search and select potential alternate professions for our newly-outed colleague. And to that, all we can say is, “Maybe next week.” But for this mocker, which we began earlier in the week, we explore our respective lost ambitions and think about all the shit that was filed away in the under-utilized, what-do-you-want-to-be-when-you-grow-up recesses of our minds.

It’s not as frou-frou as much as it is personalized, and, sadly, potentially uninteresting. You’ll find this week’s helping of dick jokage and profanity notably undersized. This episode transpires without the Sultan of The Sugar Sheet and KSK resident master of Google Fu (referring to flubby, of course). The brevity of this edition may be a good thing. But then again, maybe Ape will go over this and find some inspiration for plotting his next move, now that he has some extra time on his hands.

Onto the draft.

SPECIALIZED TRADE DRAFT (STD)

The rules:

You are drafting a specific talent or trade. You will instantly become a master of this trade without any sort of experience, practice, or required licensing. There would also be no economic limitations as to how often you perform this trade. Trades determined to be similar to previous picks will be disqualified at my discretion.

The order:

Ape
Drew
Uff
Maj
Punte

Off we go.

1. APE – Painter

Not practical in any sense and the necessary pretension would be annoying. But I could produce incredibly valuable works in no time or effort at all, be considered a genius and fabulously wealthy.

MAJ: and only a matter of decades after dying a miserable death!

Eh – celebrity artists these days don’t exactly struggle.

MAJ: Fair enough, Salvador.

2. DREW – Play basketball as well as Michael Jordan in his prime

His ability combined with my luscious white skin makes me the greatest sports icon in American history. Plus I’d be able to dunk, and I’ve always wanted to be able to dunk.

MAJ: NOOOOOOOO! Obviously I would have taken that number one.

I had one other thing #1, but this easily supersedes it.

I’m like Mike now!

3. UFF – Play guitar.

No explanation necessary, I believe.

DREW: Fuck, guitar was easily my top choice after MJ.

4. MAJ – Architecture.

Because I’ve always wanted to tell people I’m an architect. Plus I’ve always dreamed of owning an extremely elaborate tree house, monkey butlers and all.

PUNTE (2 picks)

5. Plastic surgery.

I would specialize in breast augmentation…and nailing women that just healed from breast augmentation.

And I’m assuming flub will miss this draft, so…

6. Movie directing.

I would create everything from anti-environmental propaganda to bank robbery porn to the next “Mary Poppins.” I’d win awards and do lots of cocaine while being lavished with praise and alienating my family.

7. MAJ – Play golf like Tiger.

Because I want to fucking dominate people.

8. UFF – Mixed Martial Arts.

I would kill so many people.

PUNTE: That would be a new experience for you.

9. DREW – Write songs as well as The Beatles.

So I can segue from basketball star to rock star in relative short order.

APE (2 picks)

10. Forensic Science.

You’ll never find out why.

11. Chef.

I already have a lucrative endeavor and something to dispose of my enemies surreptitiously, now for the only way to please myself that I haven’t already mastered.

12. DREW – Champion Surfing Ability.

Aw yeah.

PUNTE: Don’t you mean “cowabunga?”

13. UFF – Parkour.

You know, I was going to take something sensible, like business/financial acumen, but honestly, I’d rather be able to scale buildings and do flips off of shit.

“What’s that? Someone in that second story window flipped you off?”

/scales brick edifice
/somersaults into window
/chokes out the offender
/dives out window
/does a flip with a full twist, landing on feet
/plays face-melting guitar solo

Yeah, that’s a good draft.

PUNTE: time for Maj to pick breakdancing. Who’s house…RUN’s house…

MAJ: You’re not far off.

14. MAJ – Dancing.

I’m a Jew without the slightest hint of rhythm, and it’s something I’ll never be able to overcome without some divine intervention.

15. PUNTE – Flying Helicopters.

Training to fly is crazy expensive (you have to buy your own gas!), plus it’s so much easier to gun people down from an elevated position.

MAJ: But you’d still have to buy a helicopter. I thought about jet pilot.

Drew’s going surfing in DC; who gives a shit?