83.3% KSK Mock Draft: Trade Or Skill We Would Practice If We Didn’t Have To Practice
More than a few of you suggested that we should use this week’s draft to jumpstart Ape’s career search and select potential alternate professions for our newly-outed colleague. And to that, all we can say is, “Maybe next week.” But for this mocker, which we began earlier in the week, we explore our respective lost ambitions and think about all the shit that was filed away in the under-utilized, what-do-you-want-to-be-when-you-grow-up recesses of our minds.
It’s not as frou-frou as much as it is personalized, and, sadly, potentially uninteresting. You’ll find this week’s helping of dick jokage and profanity notably undersized. This episode transpires without the Sultan of The Sugar Sheet and KSK resident master of Google Fu (referring to flubby, of course). The brevity of this edition may be a good thing. But then again, maybe Ape will go over this and find some inspiration for plotting his next move, now that he has some extra time on his hands.
Onto the draft.
SPECIALIZED TRADE DRAFT (STD)
The rules:
You are drafting a specific talent or trade. You will instantly become a master of this trade without any sort of experience, practice, or required licensing. There would also be no economic limitations as to how often you perform this trade. Trades determined to be similar to previous picks will be disqualified at my discretion.
The order:
Ape
Drew
Uff
Maj
Punte
Off we go.
1. APE - Painter
Not practical in any sense and the necessary pretension would be annoying. But I could produce incredibly valuable works in no time or effort at all, be considered a genius and fabulously wealthy.
MAJ: and only a matter of decades after dying a miserable death!
Eh - celebrity artists these days don’t exactly struggle.
MAJ: Fair enough, Salvador.
2. DREW - Play basketball as well as Michael Jordan in his prime
His ability combined with my luscious white skin makes me the greatest sports icon in American history. Plus I’d be able to dunk, and I’ve always wanted to be able to dunk.
MAJ: NOOOOOOOO! Obviously I would have taken that number one.
I had one other thing #1, but this easily supersedes it.
I’m like Mike now!
3. UFF - Play guitar.
No explanation necessary, I believe.
DREW: Fuck, guitar was easily my top choice after MJ.
4. MAJ - Architecture.
Because I’ve always wanted to tell people I’m an architect. Plus I’ve always dreamed of owning an extremely elaborate tree house, monkey butlers and all.
PUNTE (2 picks)
5. Plastic surgery.
I would specialize in breast augmentation…and nailing women that just healed from breast augmentation.
And I’m assuming flub will miss this draft, so…
6. Movie directing.
I would create everything from anti-environmental propaganda to bank robbery porn to the next “Mary Poppins.” I’d win awards and do lots of cocaine while being lavished with praise and alienating my family.
7. MAJ - Play golf like Tiger.
Because I want to fucking dominate people.
8. UFF - Mixed Martial Arts.
I would kill so many people.
PUNTE: That would be a new experience for you.
9. DREW - Write songs as well as The Beatles.
So I can segue from basketball star to rock star in relative short order.
APE (2 picks)
10. Forensic Science.
You’ll never find out why.
11. Chef.
I already have a lucrative endeavor and something to dispose of my enemies surreptitiously, now for the only way to please myself that I haven’t already mastered.
12. DREW - Champion Surfing Ability.
Aw yeah.
PUNTE: Don’t you mean “cowabunga?”
13. UFF - Parkour.
You know, I was going to take something sensible, like business/financial acumen, but honestly, I’d rather be able to scale buildings and do flips off of shit.
“What’s that? Someone in that second story window flipped you off?”
/scales brick edifice
/somersaults into window
/chokes out the offender
/dives out window
/does a flip with a full twist, landing on feet
/plays face-melting guitar solo
Yeah, that’s a good draft.
PUNTE: time for Maj to pick breakdancing. Who’s house…RUN’s house…
MAJ: You’re not far off.
14. MAJ - Dancing.
I’m a Jew without the slightest hint of rhythm, and it’s something I’ll never be able to overcome without some divine intervention.
15. PUNTE - Flying Helicopters.
Training to fly is crazy expensive (you have to buy your own gas!), plus it’s so much easier to gun people down from an elevated position.
MAJ: But you’d still have to buy a helicopter. I thought about jet pilot.
Drew’s going surfing in DC; who gives a shit?
Tags: bad MS Paint, Fun With Mock Drafts, we could not do this all day
April 18th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
Shoot a wad like Peter North.
April 18th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
Stand Up Comedy. Under the rules of this draft that would mean I’d be an instant master (like Jeffrey Ross) and make an incalculable amount of dough at it. So, going around the world and making people laugh sounds like fun, and Drew resenting the hell out of me would be icing on the cake!
April 18th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
World’s greatest computer hacker. Too meta?
Also, doesn’t Ufford have plenty of time on his hands now after breaking the WithLeather machine?
April 18th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
count cards like Rain Man.
April 18th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
Novelist.
April 18th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
The ability to sing. I can’t carry a fucking tune to save my life. I would love to have a great rock n roll voice if only so I can wreck my god-given ability to sing well with whiskey and drugs (just like Rod Stewart!)
April 18th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
Con man/theif Danny Ocean style
April 18th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
Archery… for the lucrative pay and badass costume
April 18th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
Ability to sell pot to the Titans. Anytime you can charge 100% more for 25% less pot, take it.
April 18th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
Mountain Climber. I would totally scale Everest with Bear Grylls.
April 18th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
Host of late night infomercials
April 18th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
the ability to throw nasty junk. and not just plain old ordinary ‘nasty junk’, i mean the kind of junk where you can’t believe that someone can actually get that kind of movement on a pitch. the kind of junk pedro was throwing during that period from like 98-02, when every ballplayer in the show was juicing and he was still unhittable.
yeah, i have a rag arm. so what of it?
April 18th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
pool shark, so I can hustle people like uncle phil
April 18th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
Rapping. How Maj passed this one up isbeyond me. Anyone, if you’re a white rapper people immediately assume you have a big dick, and no one cares if you can’t dance.
April 18th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
mini dagger, we were talking about that episode last ngiht! do you remeber what his cue’s name was?
April 18th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
I take brewmaster next. Write the best books and make the best beer, I can live with that combination.
April 18th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
Pimp, gotta go with pimp. I mean, it’s the only profession where a guy can beat the shit out of a woman and charge other people for sex.
I mean hell can a pimp have a bad day at the office? Me thinks not.
April 18th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
Ninja skills.
April 18th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
My #1 and #2 pick were already taken so: Sports Journalist
Just kidding…that takes no talent. Just the willingness to be a whore.
How about video game programmer? I have always felt that the Grand Theft Auto franchise was too subtle.
April 18th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
The ability to be tantric. I don’t want to study it, I’d rarely use it, but it would make hungover Sunday’s a LOT more tolerable.
April 18th, 2008 at 1:21 pm
Bruce Lee’s insane martial arts/jeet kun do/way of no way style of fighting so i could kick everyone’s ass, be ripped as fuck, destroy UFC, then move on to a lucrative movie career where I join Punte in doing lines of blow between takes
/not the same as Jim U.’s pick
April 18th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
Breakdancing.
One piece of cardboard, 5×5 feet of floor space and I’m Turbo from Breakin’.
April 18th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
General Manager of a professional sports franchise. There’s NO WAY I could fuck things up worse than Millen, or Isiah Thomas. I mean I’d have to go out of my way and put in a concerted effort to tank franchises like those two.
April 18th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
hit baseballs like Ted Williams. GOAT.
April 18th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
Closing Pitcher
-Get paid insane money to get three guys out every other night, dominate the leagues best hitters, have an awesome entrance music like a WWE wrestler (i’m thinking Hell’s Bells but that might be worth a whole other draft), and be the hero of pretty much every game I enter.
April 18th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
Professional blog commenter.
Between me trying to hide that I look on this site at work (it’s just like the Washington Post except I can discgrace the company just by looking at the blog) and trying to hard to come up with something funny, I just can’t get one over the plate.
April 18th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
i don’t, but google appears to know all…
And Phil totally scams them into thinking he sucks, until he asks Geoffrey to “get Lucy”
April 18th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
speling be champion
April 18th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Slothrop took mine, so I’ll go with tennis. I don’t necessarily want to compete, but I DO want to give “lessons” to hot upcoming female Russian tennis phenoms…
April 18th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
run like a Kenyan
April 18th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
A Marine. be a bad-ass for the rest of your life (and you get to lord it over everyone you meet). none of that tank-driving shit though - that’s for pussies. Sorry Uff - WL being down has made me cranky at having to do actual work.
April 18th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
Club DJ
Where would I practice this shit…in my condo? A garage?
Two turntables and a microphone and I’m playing shitty techno music for legions of drunk sluts at the club. Plus, I get to wear ridiculously shiny shirts and medallions. Drunk bitches fawn all over club DJs.
April 18th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
nice, ill take matt damon’s poker skills from rounders
April 18th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
Trance/House/Club DJ. Aside from having all kinds of teenage raver chick ass and ghetto booty thrown at me, I’d get to rock my socks off on E every night.
April 18th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
badass tattoo artist. for no good reason. it just sounds fun.
April 18th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
gunsmith.
honey, whatcha doin?
making guns.
April 18th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
Fuck! I guess that’s what I get for spending more than two minutes composing my comment. Ah, fuck it, I’ll take international arms dealer, and all the hot Eastern European skanks that come with it.
April 18th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
IMF Agent, ala Ethan Hunt before Tom Cruise went bat-shit crazy…..
April 18th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
Mel Kiper Jr. Yeah, I’d love to be a master NFL Draft guru…watch college and pro football all the time (wife can’t complain; it’s my job) write a bunch of mock drafts that are nothing more than me throwing shit against a wall, and I only have to do any real work for one weekend in April. Sign me up!
April 18th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
Hypnosis. Roofies are so 1990’s
April 18th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Drummer.
April 18th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
snowboarding
because if shawn white can be the face of that “sport”, then anybody can
April 18th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Sigh. I’ll take keyboards- the nerdy uncle of the band.
April 18th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Stupid BDD…
April 18th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
Can I still take the bass? Because if I can’t be the drummer, then at least I can still be part of the rhythm section.
Geddy Lee…best bass player ever.
April 18th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
Have the ability to find scientific and factual fault in movies a la Gregg Easterbrook, why? To be a DICK!!!
April 18th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
boxing skills. i wouldn’t use them for prize fighting mind you, as i do enjoy the ability to formulate thoughts & speak in complete sentences. but my proclivity for cocaine and shit talking is no secret, and lets face it… there’s nothing more enjoyable than seeing a 6′2, 210 get ktfo’d by a 5′10 165
April 18th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
Someone already took rapper, so I’ll take the next best thing.
Hip-hop entrepreneur a la Russell Simmons or non-rapping Jay-Z. Not only do I have the credibility of the hood, but the white man also loves me for my ability to profit off the colored folk! I can wear 4,000 custom tailored suits, but still refer to women as bitches and hoes. Also, I can force myself into music videos of popular rappers, saying “uh-uh, yeah, ha-ha”.
April 18th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
Rocket science. Can look down at other professions and difficult situations and say, “This ain’t rocket science” with authority.
April 18th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
Also, class beckons so I won’t wait my turn.
Play basketball as well as Scottie Pippen in my prime, so I can tag-team with Drew and be the first Caucasian-Indian duo to lead a NBA team to a championship. Then, I get to do LSD with Phil Jackson, and probably every other drug known to mankind with Dennis Rodman.
April 18th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
I’ve always wanted to be a one-legged cowboy like in 3:10 to Yuma. I’ll take cowboy.
April 18th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
While you guys are playing the drums or keyboard or bass guitar, I’ll just throw on my shades and a fedora hat, and play the coolest instrument of them all….
Saxophone
April 18th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Off topic:
My work’s firewall blocks everything with Blogspot, so now I can see KSK at work.
Huzzah!
April 18th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
F1 Driver.
April 18th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
punter in the NFL. make decent loot, rarely hit (never in practice) like that highly coveted back up quarterback position. no real highs, no real lows. just steady. can’t beat that deal with a stick.
April 18th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
Plus, toastie- you get to see all the good games!
April 18th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
Sports broadcaster. I’d like to be the one guy who everyone enoyed and no one complained about. Able to entertain and inform at the same time without ever sounding like a moron. Get paid to watch and broadcast the biggest sporting events during my lifetime.
April 18th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
Sports Agent….but not like Arli$$ he reminded me too much of a down on his luck office supply salesman. Not Drew Rosenhaus either, he’d probably eat his children if it meant he could get Terrell Owens another $2m a year. So somewhere in between.
It’d be cool because you’d get to roll with athletes and shit.
April 18th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
Annual winner of Hardest Slapshot Contest in the NHL Skills Competiton.
April 18th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
Mountain Climber.
Q “Why do you climb the mountains, dick?”
A “Because they were there…and I didn’t need to train in order to do it.”
April 18th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
@ dick
I picked mountain climber like 30 picks ago…..
April 18th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
Fuck! Party foul!
Ice skater. I can play rec league hockey during the week and then teach young impressionable women to figure skate in my spare time.
/looking at you jamie sale.
April 18th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Sex.
April 18th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Mountain Clim—— er, I mean, uh. Poop.
World’s most renowned and revered writer of dick jokes.
April 18th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
tech geek. i’d fix with leather’s dogshit server & then deep fry nibbles & dip him in chicken kitchen’s curry mustard sauce.
mmmmmmm chicken kitchen curry mustard sauce
April 18th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
good call snowflake. (in regards to being an NFL punter)
plus, I get to see all the good games, either from behind those awesome misting airplane fans or seated on those heated benches. and I wouldn’t have to worry about working out and keeping in shape. I’m a punter. I just kick it….in more ways than one. DANG!
April 18th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
Jason Bourne’s fighting skills.
/always wanted to stab a guy through the hand with a ballpoint
April 18th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
J- Eh, it’s overrated.
April 18th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
Assassin, Money and dead people. Its a win win (for me at lleast).
April 18th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
Marijuana growing & Cultivation, since beer brewing has already been taken. Plus if movies taught me anything, marijuana growing with your friends is an instant way to enjoy new relationships and meet enlightened older people (Willie Nelson I am looking at you)
April 18th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Politician. I’d be eloquent and full of just enough shit, and in spite of not having any of the awesome trade skills already mentioned, I’d hold more real power than any of you. Sweeet.
April 18th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
Photography — specifically taking pictures of hot (and naked) super models. “What, you need me to fly off to Tahiti to snap some shots of Carmella DeCesare, and maybe if I have enough coke she’d have sex with me (since clearly she isn’t getting any hog from Jeff Garcia)? Sure, no prob.”
April 18th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
Economics, understanding the stocks and that shit.
April 18th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Record Producer.
I don’t have time to learn what all those buttons and knobs do. And I don’t care to learn the difference between distortion, gain, and echo. I just want to help you make beautiful records.
April 18th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
Software Designer
All of the money, none of the fame. Not the same as “tech geek.” I’m imagining the Software Designer gets more money and girls while worrying less about rodents and leather.
April 18th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
Television executive. I believe my years of watching terrible crap on tv makes me eminently qualified.
April 18th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
Astronaut.
April 18th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
can time travel be a thing? i want to master that in my spare time
April 18th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
or not have to, or whatever. fuck!
April 18th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
i want to be a con (wo)man. i want the ability to swindle and be cocky about it. FUN.
April 18th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
Fuck it. I’m spitting out my only other two because I’m getting wasted in the name of Ape tonight:
Archaeologist. Like “Ross” from Friends? No, like “Indiana Bones and the Temple of Poon.”
College English professor. Masterful command of language and poetry plus access to the best housing, drugs, and girls on any campus. Pay is decent and I’ll be giving out extra credit liberally.
April 18th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
Simpsons Writer. I mean even better than Conan in his day. That would be some fulfilling shit.
Jokes? Haha! I get jokes!
April 18th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
@Pemulis
Spend as long as you want… in the end would it really matter?
[Delorean gullwing door flies open]
April 18th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
Screen writing a la Judd Apatow. Everything that motherfucker touches turns to gold.
Since I have to go to a work thing I am gonna make my next pick be making a consistant halfcourt shot. I am pretty sure I could net a decent salary doing that.
April 18th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
Okay, here’s the choice that’ll cement me as the Mock Draft winner, and I assume some sort of large cash prize:
Movie Producer
Yeah, I get to make any movie I want, cast whichever famous actor I choose and possibly win a Best Picture oscar to boot. But the best perk of being a movie producer is, of course, casting supporting actresses. They call it the Casting Couch, but you could also be on the table, bent over a chair, or just sitting there with your eyes closed and your mouth opened.
April 18th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
No-one took quarterback?
Really?
Quarterback.
Thats right Tom Brady. I am coming for (and, soon, ON) Giselle.
April 18th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
Being a bear. Or if somebody already took that, I’ll go with being an accessory to being a bear.
April 18th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
I’d like the ability to fake emotions convincingly. People seem to expect you to act happy or enthusiastic all the time, even about things that suck, and they act like assholes when you don’t, so it’d be nice to be able to fake enthusiasm at meetings and family gatherings. I wouldn’t care any more than I do now about what other people think, but it’d keep them off my back. And might even ensure me a successful political career.
April 18th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
I’d like to fluently speak German.
Even very benign comments sound important and evil when spoken in German. Ich Bein Ein Auslander!!!!
/fuck you rosetta stone infomercials
April 18th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
Ah, yes, perhaps my fondest memories from architecture school are from that first year Monkey Butlers 301. And that graduate seminar Pray For Mojo opened my eyes to monkey butler abuse forever.
April 18th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
@Naptown Drew
bwahahahahahaha!!!! English prof? What a waste of a pick. Pay is decent? BWAhahahahaha!
/cries in corner over wasted life
April 18th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
Theoretical Physicist, I want my name to be a metaphor and and adjective. Also, Einstein actually did get tons of hot tail.
April 18th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
I’m out of here, so I’m lobbing in one final pick. If I was actually thinking about this draft, I would’ve snapped up “tennis” before snowflake got it. Damn.
Chainsaw Ice Sculptor.
Making ice sculptures with a chainsaw is just about the coolest skill you could possibly have. There are thousands of people who can box or paint or play guitar, but maybe 10 guys on earth that can do this well. This is a great value pick.
April 18th, 2008 at 5:12 pm
Shipping magnate.
I don’t know what they do, but they’re always rich, and just shady enough that no one fucks with them. Plus, white dinner jackets, boat drinks, and hot euro ass.
April 18th, 2008 at 5:51 pm
The ability to kill a pouncing tiger with a bow and arrow…….. while on horseback…. while engaged in complicated relations with a concubine.
A sexual position from the kama sutra
I wish I had an online picture of this. This dude is bad fucking ass.
April 18th, 2008 at 5:55 pm
Sorry. change that to pouncing tiger(s). Dude could go all day
April 18th, 2008 at 6:53 pm
Uncle’s Phil’s pool cue was named Lucile…..”Geoffrey, break out Lucile”
April 18th, 2008 at 8:26 pm
Lying, and not just con man crap, I’m talking full on convince Goddell to re-admit Vick quality shystering, I want to be able o walk into a room and have everyone believe whatever insane bs I spin.
April 18th, 2008 at 8:41 pm
Internet bubble bullshit entrepreneur zillionaire. that’s right bitches, any stupid-ass company I start gets bought out by Yahoo for like $100 million, and I keep getting on the cover of like Fortune as the face of the tech revolution or something.
April 18th, 2008 at 9:55 pm
Philosopher. I’m considered the smartest man alive and take pretentiousness as a compliment, unlike some douchebags.
April 18th, 2008 at 11:55 pm
If no one else wants country music star, i’ll take that.
I can get tons of hot ass and write stupid songs for a living.
April 19th, 2008 at 3:25 am
Ape could keep this up all day.
You know, since he’s got a lot of free time and all, right?
April 19th, 2008 at 10:56 am
since most of mine were taken
1. rapping
2. bkb
i will take the skill of reaching nirvana
April 19th, 2008 at 11:55 am
You guys were right, the offseason really sucks.
April 19th, 2008 at 8:35 pm
Marine Biologist
April 20th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
I think maybe the drafts during the summer should include more hatred. Nothing rallies people around a commentary thread like ranting.
April 20th, 2008 at 10:16 pm
Did [i]you[/i] build the Estadio Olympico?