It’s a seemingly lopsided 2-6 matchup. Could the very large Giant be looking past the relatively diminutive Coach Paul Brown? I think so, because Brown is short enough to be out of range of the Giant’s vision. Yes, this absolutely screams TRAP IMAGINARY FIGHT to me. But I, alas, am not the ultimate arbiter of this confrontation. YOU, fickle America, will be the one to decide! We go right to the pros and cons and ask you, the fan, who would win in a fight… to the death! Indeed, QUIEN ES MAS MACHO?

NOTE: The poll is at the top of the sidebar to the right. Voting for each contest is open until the end of the day that it’s posted.

GIANT


Strengths:
-Big
-Strong
-Jolly
-Hung like a redwood
-Deep green complexion may indicate that he’s powered by photosynthesis
-Could totally beat the fuck out of that old Bird’s Eye dude
-Convenient frozen mixed vegetables make for a lovely stir-fry when you’re in a pinch
-Keeps body well-toned using vigorous, population-crushing core exercises
-Deep friendship with half-brother Hagrid
-Adept at throwing castles
-If you need to reach the flour on the top shelf, he’s your man
-Can grow entire civilization inside footprint

Weaknesses:
-Jack
-Angry villagers with lots of rope and a good idea of when he may be napping in a valley
-HO HO HO is Santa’s line, you fucking dick
-Vision potentially obscured by low-hanging cloud
-Takes YEARS to put on sunscreen
-Can never find a private setting to evacuate bowels
-Driving? Forget about it.
-Leafy toga minidress makes me feel sexually uncomfortable
-Kinda gay
-Too large to be able to surf
-No blue ox?
-Pretty darn clumsy, if you believe the average Grimm fairy tale

Entrance Music:
“Big Me,” Foo Fighters

BROWN


Strengths:
-7-time world champion
-4-time Coach of the Year
-Cool hat
-Handsome profile
-Possibly made of stone
-Wily
-Crusty
-Savvy
-Constantly demanding excellence from players who just want some goddamn water

Weaknesses:
-Old
-Ohioan
-Not a Giant
-Unarmed
-Trenchcoat a touch constrictive
-Unwilling to loosen tie
-Very rigid, which means he could break easily

Entrance Music:
“Discipline,” Slayer

Voting closes at the end of the day. Let the battle begin. ENTER THE OCTAGON!