Of all the things that could have brought the NFL to its knees – dog fighting, steroids, feuds with cable networks, Emmitt Smith being less articulate than a dog with peanut butter stuck on the roof of its mouth – it’s a little company called Identigene that may provide the league its crowning death blow.

Say hello to the world’s first over-the-counter paternity test. How does it work? Simply pee on the stick. If you see just one blue line, it means the test is negative. But if you see Travis Henry’s head appear…


…You got yourself a baby daddy.


Actually, that isn’t how it works at all. I’ll let the press kit explain.

The kits sit on shelves next to condoms (Ed. Note: presumably for the sake of irony)… A kit retails for $29.99. It contains cotton swabs for taking cells from inside the mouth. The cells are sealed in plastic bags and sent with a consent form and a $119 fee to a lab.

Results are available in three to five business days and can be accessed online.

In other words, you, Miss I-Left-My-Diaphragm-In-My-Other-Handbag-But-The-Moment-Feels-So-Right, will have to find a way to swab the inside of Shannon Sharpe’s cheeks without him noticing. Luckily, NFL players are notorious for their extreme obliviousness, so I have some tips for you to get those precious cheek cells!

-Staple swab to tongue, begin French kissing
-Do it while he’s sleeping. Randy Moss sleeps with his mouth so wide open, you could drop a paratrooper into it
-Tell him he’s got a piece of bacon caught in his rear grillz. Pretend to extract it
-Place halfway into vagina, invite cunnilingus (Bryant McKinnie only)

You have to do it for 30 to 45 seconds, which is longer than you think when someone is scraping tissue off the inside of your mouth. According to the article, these kits are now available nationwide, except in New York, where DNA testing requires a court order. I, for one, am very excited about the New York Lions playing the New York Texans in the 2029 Super Bowl. The company sold over 10,000 kits in just four scant months. And it’s easy to see why. Fuck, I’LL buy one. Who the hell knows if Darren McFadden accidentally banged the shit out of me once or twice?

There’s no doubt that this thing will be a godsend to all of Tom Brady’s mistresses. And we could see an incredible uptick in the documented presence of NFL progeny all across the country. Your local high school may be 35% Bengal. NOW you’ll know for sure!

My only concern is that they haven’t yet pioneered the over-the-counter abortion kit to balance it out. Identigene’s company slogan is “For Questions Only DNA Testing Can Answer.” And that’s not limited only to paternity. Here are more questions only DNA testing can answer:

-Am I a humpback whale?
-Was I ever a Kennedy?
-Can I dunk?
-Will I die of Parkinson’s? (Yes, you will.)
-Is that miniscule outcropping of hair on my back actually a nipple of some kind?
-Is there some sort of small rodent living inside my digestive tract?
-What color is my hair if I don’t dye it?
-Will I ever become a black man? (Unsilent Majority only)
-Is my small penis my father’s fault?
-Was I born with 11 toes, or did I pick up the bonus one somewhere along the way?
-I know who my daddy is. But who’s my UNCLE? That’s some shit I really gotta know.

We’re through the looking glass here, folks.