Please Let Her Middle Initial Be S. Please Let Her Middle Initial Be S.
Reader Linda C. wrote to us this morning to let us know that the Patron Saint of our fair site gave birth to a baby girl Wednesday. The girl’s name is Kellen Kolber. I don’t think it’s much to ask Jesus to make sure that kid’s middle name is Suzy, or Sarah, or Shania, or Scrumpetina, something else that causes people to think of poop stains whenever they see her monogrammed towels.
We hear that mother and baby are both well. And that is fantastic. We’re genuinely jazzed for Suzy and her new daughter, and we wish them the very best.
Now, about that FIRST name. It begs the question of who the father might be…
Hmm. Too old. And how would he have time to hook up with Suzy when he’s so busy fucking himself?
Hmm. Too green, although he does seem to enjoy the presence of children.
Possibly. If any epitomizes the phrase “young, dumb, and full of cum,” it’s our friend the Lieutenant here. But I still don’t think that’s quite right.
Oh yeah. We’ve got our culprit.
Tags: birth announcements, the family is registered at your local subaru dealershi
March 6th, 2008 at 11:54 am
I was expecting to see a picture of a turkey baster for the father.
March 6th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
I was planning on naming my first born Scrumpatina. Now you have gone and ruined that. Thanks
March 6th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suzy_Kolber
Jaworski used to babysit her. I wonder…..ewww.
March 6th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
Maybe there should be a lineup to see which one is the culprit…But then, Who is Kaiser Soze?
March 6th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
My guess is Willy Joe is both the father AND keyser soze… When he was a kid he used to dehydrate, and his piss came out like snot. I mean, it was all thick and gross.
March 6th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
young, dumb, and full of cum …that is a new one for me, one that must be repeated
March 6th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
@nycponderings
Clearly, you’ve never heard of Raylene.
/watches too many naughty vids
March 6th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
@nycponderings
I’m gonna have to order you to rent Point Break immediately. Before Swayze dies.
March 6th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
A proud day for the Kolber family. Careful what you wish for–if they give that kid a middle name staring with an ‘S,’ that brats will own your asses in a few years.
March 6th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
Surely if she’s naming the kid after ksk then its a subtle hint that young Kellen is the bastard son of Joe Namath?
March 6th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
I thought the only people to drive Suburu’s were dog owning lesbians here in Seattle. You mean OTHER people drive them too?
March 6th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
Drew you might as well grab Road House too.
March 6th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
And lets not forget Red Dawn.
March 6th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
@BDD
How sad is it that I know that phrase from a porn and not that movie? Pretty sad, methinks.
March 6th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
Don’t forget Ghost!
March 6th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
YEAH KELLEN CLEMENS
March 6th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
all of you shut up, just shut up, NOBODY PUTS SWAYZE IN A CORNER!
March 6th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
The only people to own Subaru’s are in Seattle, except they’re cat lovers by and large. Don’t forget your Columbia/North Face fleece and hemp sweaters, it’s cold!
March 6th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
Point Break also gives the viewer the pleasure of the then-relatively unknown Tom Sizemore delivering another eminentely quotable line:
“Two keys. Uncut. Crystal meth.”
March 6th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
I’ve read that she went with a little more “feminine” spelling. I read the daughter’s name is “Kellyn”. Any truth to that?
March 6th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
…and birkenstocks. and the burlap bag in the back seat for their hot Yoga sessions…
March 6th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
The two retard sister sites of Ufford both say that even though Swayze still has cancer, it’s not as bad as it was reported yesterday. I’d hold off on renting and just download the torrents; by the time they are done THEN he will have died.
March 6th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
You heard it here first…Suzy was dumped by ESPN when she announced the name of her daughter to be around the office:
Kellen Klux Kolber
March 6th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
I think it would be funnier if her middle name started with an O…
Look! I made a dick joke (kinda)!
March 6th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
And lots of white guys with dreads playing ultimate frisbee or hacky-sack. Oh yeah, and the drizzly cold-ass rain. Paradise.
March 6th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
@futuremrs
I hope for your sake that’s the only time you’ve ever laughed at a KOK.
March 6th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
No Patron/Matron Saint tags? BURN THEM!
March 6th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
If she were from Bahston, the middle initial would be a K. Just so she could fahk wit da dahkies.
Pedro Martinez would also like to know who’s your daddy?
March 6th, 2008 at 6:13 pm
Kellen Smurphette Kolber
Done and done.