The specific and the abstract stare each other down, with former Cleveland Browns and Cincinnati Bengal head coach and stadium namesake Paul Brown taking on a Texan, circa 1836-1845, when it was still a rugged frontier rather than a sprawling wasteland of high school football obsessed fat people.

Poll is on the sidebar to the right. Voting is open through the end of the day. Voting is closed. Paul Brown won with slightly over 50 percent of the vote, by a total margin of 12 votes, 718-706.

I could have sworn we did this matchup already, and indeed we did.

Vote in the sidebar and consider this an open thread to discuss the NCAA’s, boobs, liquor, or anything else of your choosing.

Voting is closed. The Redskin won with 57 percent of the vote.

Why did we pair two fairly similar types of birds against one another in the first round? And why did also match up jungle cats against horses so often, and pirates against Indians so many times? I’ll tell you why: Because we’re fucking retards, that’s why. Anyway, this matchup features the trusty falcon (he’s the stuff dreams are made of!) against the Seahawk, nee osprey. We go right to the pros and cons and ask you, the fan, who would win in a fight… to the death! Indeed, QUIEN ES MAS MACHO?

NOTE: The poll is at the top of the sidebar to the right. Voting for each contest is open until the end of the day that it’s posted. Voting is closed. The Falcon won with 55 percent of the vote.

FALCON

Strengths:
-Sharp talons!
-Beak!
-Can fly!
-Superior vision!
-Delicious regurgitate!

Weaknesses:
-Is it supposed to be pronounced FAWL-kun? Annoying.
-Sam Spade told me it’s a fake! A fake, I tells ya!
-Needs one of those adorable little leather bird helmets
-Not so tough if pitted against a smattering of buckshot
-Not particularly edible
-Possible relative of Footsteps Falco

Entrance Music:
“Rock Me Amadeus”

SEAHAWK

Strengths:
-Sharp talons!
-Beak!
-Can fly!
-Superior vision!
-Delicious regurgitate!
-Never pretended to know something about Matt Ufford because they saw a picture online! Also never asked him for money!

Weaknesses:
-Lamprey > Osprey
-Looks kinda arrogant up there, if you ask me
-Large hooked nose means he’s probably devious with money
-Get feathers ruffled if you ruffle his feathers
-Always out to sea, and you know what that means: gayer than a fire engine

Entrance Music:
“Overblown,” Mudhoney

Voting closes at the end of the day. Let the battle begin. ENTER THE OCTAGON!

The Molested by Jack Hanna Region contains two large-predatory-cat-versus-horse pairings. In our desire not to have to write two poststo spice things up somewhat, we’ve decided to conflate the contests and make it a two-on-two, with both members of the winning team advancing in their bracket.

You’re thinking, “hey – it was a lop-sided bout in favor of the cat in the first place, now it’s decidedly in favor of two cats.” Well you’ve got some attitude, mister.

One way to look at it is that cats are like women: territorial and not particularly fond of one another, unlikely to work toward a common goal. Misogynistic reading? Mostly likely. But I didn’t make the rules. God did and He/She/It/Giant Spider is the greatest misogynist of them all. Then again, the cats are facing fucking horses. Who needs teamwork?

The poll is on the sidebar to the right. Voting is open through the end of the day. Voting is closed. The Panther and Jaguar won with 78 percent of the vote.

Matt Ryan, who played quarterback for the football team at Boston College, threw for scouts and coaches of professional football teams on Tuesday. He did this in hopes of being selected by one of the NFL’s teams as a professional football player. Professional football players are paid to play football, which is a much better job than being an accountant or someone that mops up shit all day.

According to Miwok mythology (whatever the fuck that is), the Raven done stole the Sun from the Eagle. Oh snap! GRUDGE MATCH GRUDGE MATCH!

Voting is closed. The Eagle won with 71 percent of the vote.

Gray Eagle had a beautiful daughter, and Raven fell in love with her. He was a snow-white bird, and as a such, he pleased Gray Eagle’s daughter. She invited him to her father’s longhouse.

When Raven saw the Sun, Moon and stars, and fresh water hanging on the sides of Eagle’s lodge, he knew what he should do. He watched for his chance to seize them when no one was looking. He stole all of them, and a brand of fire also, and flew out of the longhouse through the smoke hole. As soon as Raven got outside he hung the Sun up in the sky. It made so much light that he was able to fly far out to an island in the middle of the ocean. When the Sun set, he fastened the Moon up in the sky and hung the stars around in different places. By this new light he kept on flying, carrying with him the fresh water and the brand of fire he had stolen.

He flew back over the land. When he had reached the right place, he dropped all the water he had stolen. It fell to the ground and there became the source of all the fresh-water streams and lakes in the world. Then Raven flew on, holding the brand of fire in his bill. The smoke from the fire blew back over his white feathers and made them black. When his bill began to burn, he had to drop the firebrand. It struck rocks and hid itself within them. That is why, if you strike two stones together, sparks of fire will drop out.

Raven’s feathers never became white again after they were blackened by the smoke from the firebrand. That is why Raven is now a black bird.

We’ve had nothing but chalk results so far in this tournament. Could this be the matchup that ends up shocking the world? Uh, no. In one corner stands a fully loaded Boeing 747 jet, complete with spiral staircase. In the other, uh, a very small red bird. We go right to the pros and cons and ask you, the fan, who would win in a fight… to the death! Indeed, QUIEN ES MAS MACHO?

NOTE: The poll is at the top of the sidebar to the right. Voting for each contest is open until the end of the day that it’s posted. Voting is closed. The Jet won with 74 percent of the vote.

JET

Strengths:
-Large
-Made of metal
-Typical cruising speed of 555mph
-6,190 cubic feet of cargo space (but for God’s sake, NO NAIL CLIPPERS!)
-195-ft wingspan. Described by many scouts as having great length
-Twin Cuisinart turbine engines come equipped with three speeds for preparing birds: Chop, Puree, And Liquefy
-Maximum range of 7,900 statute miles (yet they insist on flying long distances only in very large, impractical arches, instead of simply in a straight line. Flying over GREENLAND to reach London? That’s kooky.)
-Your choice of free beverage mid-flight
-Manned by hopefully sober pilot who gets 23 days off every month

Weaknesses:
-Unarmed
-Still not really sure how something that heavy remains airborne for any prolonged length of time
-Never enough room in overhead bin
-Easily taken down and/or redirected by stoic Yemeni man armed only with basic packaging equipment
-Not in first class? You’re fucked.
-In-flight movie “Enchanted” whimsical, but not really substantive
-Ever take a really long flight at night and are unable to fall alseep? Christ, it’s depressing
-Gets its shit ruined by a little wind
-Made by Boeing, possibly missing vital valves and/or landing gear
-That fucking beverage cart
-Never enough room for comfortable knee spreading while on airplane can
-Seat ventilation system blasts single jet of frigid arctic oxygen at hair at 900 mph
-Inevitably 90 minutes late to matchup

Entrance Music:
“Aeroplane,” Red Hot Chili Peppers

CARDINAL

Strengths:
-+1 Pecking ability
-Will be adored by Will Leitch no matter where it migrates
-Small enough to fit comfortably inside myriad engine flywheels
-Bold red color could possibly scare enemy away. Maybe not
-Rabid ornithological fan base ready to stop any activity at the drop of a hat when in its vicinity (My dad: “Andrew! Andrew! Drop that cocktail! There’s a cardinal out the window!!!!”)
-Has the brains to leave Northeast after October
-Adept at splitting open acorns and various tree nuts
-8-inch wingpsan makes it especially imposing to ants and dandelions
-Vicious tweet could potentially awaken enemy earlier than desired
-Tiny bones make him unattractive to predators who don’t like to work for a meal

Weaknesses:
-Small
-Gay
-Unarmed
-Seriously, this thing is dead fucking meat

Entrance Music:
“I’m Like A Bird,” Nelly Furtado

Voting closes at the end of the day. Let the battle begin. ENTER THE OCTAGON!

At long last, we address the all-important middle seeds and a key NFL demographic: bellicose white guys with guns. Can the Cowboy’s six-shooter make quick word of the summer soldier, found of standing in straight rows in the path of artillery or can the Patriot bayonet him in the dick faster than Horace Greeley told him to go west? WHO YA GOT? As always, poll is on the sidebar to the right and voting is open for the rest of the day. Voting is closed. The Cowboy won with 60 percent of the vote.

It’s our first and possibly only land-based-versus-aquatic-based mammalian showdown. Somebody has to haul the water tank into the Octagon and that’s no easy task. Thank goodness for illegal cheap well-compensated and duly represented labor.

Poll is on the sidebar to the right. Voting is open for roughly a day. Voting is closed on this contest. The Bengal won with 68 percent of the vote.