Some fucking date night this turned out to be. If I knew you weren’t gonna show up today, if I KNEW YOU WEREN’T GONNA COMPETE TODAY, THEN WE COULD HAVE JUST STAYED HOME. Now I didn’t come all the way out here to Frankie’s Fun Park to get embarrassed like this. You’re lucky we’re playing two rounds today, because that course OWNED YOUR ASS in the first half, and YOU BETTER FIND A WAY TO GET IT TOGETHER before we go back out there.
Did you even READ THE SCOUTING REPORT this week? You tried to hit it under the hippo on 13 when I’VE TOLD YOU ALL FUCKING WEEK THAT HIS TUMMY REACHES THE TURF! Get your HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS. And three times you went in the water because you didn’t take care of the ball. You need to take what the course gives you this second half, because this time you’re pulling YOUR OWN FUCKING BALL out of the water. I don’t care if your hand does get wet.
[Juts out chin. Chin pokes 9-year-old kid in the eye]
What the hell was that kid doing within 3 feet of my chin? Yeah, why don’t you cry about it, you little shit. What kind of mental approach to life is that? Chins are going to come at you from all angles later in life, kid. It’s best you learn to overcome adversity while you’re young and develop a pattern for success. Show some composure. ACT LIKE YOU’VE BEEN POKED WITH A CHIN BEFORE!
Enough of this shit. If I don’t get some goddamn nachos my fucking head is gonna blow off. I always get some goddamn nachos when I play mini golf. And I better get more jalapeños than they have on that sorry poster.
And after I store some of these delicious nachos in my chin, we’re going back out there and you’re going to redeem yourself for that sorry first half. TAKE CARE OF THE GOLF BALL! This is our game! And we call our game mini-golf, not Putt-Putt. That’s a proprietary trademark, and we don’t let proprietary trademarks into our house…or, vocabulary!
NOW GET YOUR ASS OUT THERE AND HAVE A GOOD SECOND HALF! I believe you have honors.
The second round gets underway with the pairing of the burly, savage bear and the speedy, diminutive falcon. Each has cut its teeth (or beak) in the arena of death, but only one can advance while the other is ground into hot dogs in time for Opening Day. A quick review follows.
Bear Pro: -Host of Gentle Ben! -Climbs trees! -Noted for prowess in America threatening -Likeness featured on California flag -Godless! -Killing! -Machine!
Con: -Possibly hibernating -Average bear not that smart. Sorry Yogi. -Inability to kill Christopher Robin -Polar version shills for Coke
Falcon Pro: -Can fly! -Talons even sharper than Jew claw! -Benefit of being a raptor without having to wear purple and live in Toronto -Peregrine Falcon is fastest moving creature on Earth -This:
Con: -Diet typically consist of other birds, usually ones old people are feeding -New kicker Jason Elam has them concentrating on killing religious radicals -Just a fucking bird
Voting is closed on this contest. The Bear won with 79 percent of the vote.
Reader Andrew T. points us to obscure second year d-lineman Alfred Malone, who recently joined the Packers. Something about Alfred looks awfully familiar. Even suspicious. As flubby noted, Alfred Malone is an even worse pseudonym than Ron Mexico. Sounds like a shotgun-toting Irish nightwatchman.
Through one week of tossing darts at the board, the majority of the top seeds remain. We had a tight race between Paul Brown and the Texan but otherwise the races haven’t been anything resembling close. We’re (okay, I’m) hoping at least that as the field winnows down, we will have a few closer tabulations, or, you know, the Steeler coming back somehow. UFFORD JOBBED HIM GODDAMMIT!
The league never banned long hair when they were playing. How are these guys any different from Rashean Mathis or Mike McKenzie? Ohhhhh right, they’re not brown.
According to Michael David Smith at the Fanhouse, the Chiefs are spearheading (arrowheading?) the NFL’s proposed ban on players wearing their hair long enough to obscure the name on the back of their jersey. What a relief, I was tired of having to ask people “Wait, is that Al Harris or AJ Hawk?”
Damn you Kansas City for pushing your Middle America customs and mores on heathen urbanites. If Troy Polamalu wants to give Larry Johnson something to grab onto when they make sweet love he attempts to tackle him, then who are we to judge?
Before Pittsburgh became an outpost of urban blight on the edge of Appalachia, it was a bustling steel town that made the name Steeler synonymous with the town’s muscular, blue-collar work force (as opposed to today’s overweight unemployed force). The steelworker faces up against Buffalo Bill Cody, the Civil War vet, Western frontiersman, and pseudo-circus ringleader who inspired the name for Buffalo’s football team for no better reason than it was a decent play on words. It’s up to you to determine the winner… WHO DO YOU HAVE AS MORE MACHO?
#4 STEELER Strengths
- Burly - Square jaw can withstand punching - Able to consume massive amounts of shitty beer - Has hot stuff; coming through - Might have a pipe or wrench or something, I don’t know Weaknesses
- Evolving global economy - Techno music - MEN!
#5 Buffalo Bill Strengths
- Handy with a six-shooter - Killed 4,280 bison in six 18 months. Fuck you, PETA! - Background as cavalry scout lends to stealth - Full name of Wild West show was “Buffalo Bill’s Wild West and Congress of Rough Riders of the World,” which isn’t a strength per se, but c’mon. That’s pretty fucking sexy. - Only NFL mascot to be awarded the Medal of Honor Weaknesses
- Indian-killing reputation marred by employing Sitting Bull - Played Custer during reenactment of Battle of Little Big Horn - Facial hair ridiculous even by 19th century standards - Totally sold out, man
Vote on the sidebar to the right. Poll closes at the end of the day.
I’ve seen me a lot of movies. Most are shit. Some are great. And some have the chance to be awesome, only to blindly fuck it up at the end. It’s a bigger letdown than that fucking Belmont game last night (Fucking Belmont. Have you no patience for a decent shot? Yes, I just analyzed a basketball game). Well, that shit needs to come correct. These are movie endings that need to be unfucked. We’re taking away final cut from Mssrs. Shayamalan and Lee and giving their shit movies a badass resolution.
The order: Punter Ape Flubby Ufford Drew Maj
The rules: You pick the ending of one movie that you find flawed from a storytelling prospective. You must then say why it’s flawed and give me your proper, better ending. Also, no hardcore pornographic endings (you could demand this for any movie), and no endings where everyone dies or something because you hated the whole movie.
Let’s pick. Beware spoilers, of course.
Round 1, Pick 1 – Punter – American Beauty
Punter: The ending of this movie is about what would happen if one of us had changed it. Yeah, being an adult is hard!
Kevin Spacey and F. Lee Ermey actually become a couple (because we all know that’s what would happen in real life), then Annettee Benning and Mena Suvari turn to each other for comfort, and then there’s a hardcore pornographic ending and everyone dies.
Ape: That’s Chris Cooper, not R. Lee
Punter: WHOSE GODDAMN MOVIE IS THIS, APE?
Round 1, Pick 2 – Ape – Return Of The Jedi
Ape: Hey, we just wrapped up a compelling, entertaining trilogy, what not have a bunch of fucking Ewoks prancing around? All the better to sell lunch boxes, right?
How about just before the Emperor gets tossed down some deep pit and gets blowed up, he fires up the Death Star and gets rid of the forest moon of Endor. With him out of the way, the Republic returns to being mired in bureaucracy and the cycle begins anew.
Also, George Lucas gets impaled on a light saber.
Punter: George Lucas wasn’t in the fucking movie, Poindexter.
Ape: Oh, I wasn’t talking about in the movie.
Maj then asked what a light saber was. He can’t vacation in Colorado again fast enough.
Round 1, Pick 3 – Flubby – Million Dollar Baby
Flub: Hillary Swank gets up from the sucker punch and clocks Billie the Blue Bear with a steel chair. After a tense staredown, they resolve their differences with a dramatic handshake ala Randy Savage and Hulk Hogan when they formed the Mega Powers. After running roughshod over the women’s boxing ranks for a few years, they retire to open a chicken and waffle restaurant. Hardcore porn scene, then they kill everyone.
Ape: Nice. I hated her redneck family at the end. Not as much the family themselves, but they transparent way that Eastwood indicates YOU MUST HATE THESE PEOPLE
Round 1, Pick 4 – Ufford – Lord Of The Rings: Return Of The King
“After nine hours of a pretty awesome epic trilogy, Peter Jackson removes any and all drama of Sauron’s death and the destruction of the ring by having 35 minutes of denouement, most of which is Frodo and Chris Farley Jr eye-fucking each other. Fuck him.
ALTERNATE ENDING: Aragorn fights Sauron naked in a Russian bath house then takes over the Middle Earth mafia.”
Round 1, Pick 5 – Drew – Heat
I wanted De Niro to kill Pacino so badly I almost bit through my own arm after the ending. At the very least, they should have killed each other.
My ending: De Niro blows Pacino away, then meets Amy Brennaman at the airport, bangs her in the shitter, then tears up her ticket as he gets on the plane by himself. No fucking attachments.
Round 1, Pick 6 – Maj – Bamboozled
“I really loved this movie for the first hundred minutes or so, then shit fell apart like a Volkswagen’s interior.
Delacroix should have watched the fucking tape at which point he could have teamed up with Big Blak Afrika the Mau Maus to take over the network. Then Michael Rappaport’s character could challenge One-Sixteenth Black to a freestyle rap battle for the right to continue living.”
Round 2, Pick 7 – Maj – Contact
“That piece of shit just didn’t know when to quit. They had the perfect ending but they kept on pushing. Instead of carrying on with all of the nonsense of the last half hour they could have turned the whole ‘it recorded exactly 13 hours of static’ into a really solid ending. Of course then we’d have to put up with annoying fuckers who can’t help but bitch about a movie that doesn’t offer ‘closure.’”
Round 2, Pick 8 – Drew – Match Point
Should have ended with the ring bouncing on the railing. Ends there, and it’s a fucking masterpiece.
Round 2, Pick 9 – Ufford – A Few Good Men
“Marines don’t salute indoors. Period. Dawson can thank Lieutenant Caffey by shaking his damn Scientologist hand.”
Round 2, Pick 10 – Drew (pick vacated by Flubby) – The Color Of Money
I spent two goddamn hours waiting for Paul Newman and Tom Cruise’s big hair to finally square off against one another. So what happens? They get ready to finally play. Newman says, “I’m back,” breaks, and then the picture freezes. Fuck you, Scorsese. Fuck you blind.
My ending: Felson beats Vince, then sodomizes him with the pool cue and the thingamajig you use to rest your cue on when you need to shoot over another ball.
Also: anyone who wears their first name on a t-shirt deserves to be beaten to death with the 11-ball.
Round 2, Pick 11 – Ape – Y Tu Mama Tambien
“Oh, so the 30ish hot Spaniard woman had cancer the whole time thereby justifying her sluttiness? And Gabriel Garcia Bernal and his butt buddy masturbate together and even start kissing towards the end, but supposedly never see each other again after the trip? Bullshit.
My version: The woman sticks around the beach until the developers build the luxury resort, where she becomes a pricey hooker and later a madame. The two college boys get Mexican gay married (like American gay marriage but less fabulouth and, because it’s Mexico - more illegal) and change their last name to Charolastra. They eventually cheat on each other with some Italian guys.
Like it wasn’t enough that her husband cheated on her, they had to throw in near-death abandon too.
Fucking Catholics.”
I rented that movie at Blockbuster, unwittingly getting the cut down R-Rated version. No guys kissing in that one. But they still had the diving board tandem jerk. Odd.
But then how will I know which agents a potential draft pick might be considering?
Round 2, Pick 12 – Punter –Mr. Brooks
“The dream ending is actually the real ending. Way for them to puss out at the end and make that a dream sequence. Fucking douches.
The dream ending has to be the real ending. It just has to be.”
We’ve left out a few obvious ones here, so please give us some of yours in the comments. Try and pick just one film at a time, then wait 10 movies to pick another.
Welcome back to another year of Better Know A Draft Pick. Leading up to the draft we’ll profile all the top prospects that are worth knowing.
Name: Matt Ryan Nickname: Matty Ice
Easy Reasons to Hate Him Sight Unseen: Did you see that fucking nickname? Then there’s the issue of the two first names. I bet he enjoys a good balcony party.
Height: Plenty Weight: Enough
Arm: Yes. Speed: No. Head: Wicked clevah! Intangibles: Still unquantifiable.
Mainstream Comparison: Tom Brady KSK Comparison: Joe from Team America
Best Known For: Overblown comebacks, beating crappy teams in bowl games, padding stats against really crappy teams, and leadership.
Who Wants Him: Kansas City loves his ability to win games for bad teams.
Who Will Take Him: Atlanta loves him because he’s safer than your girlfriend’s gay shopping buddy.
Hobbies: 94, 51, 56, and the one on the far right…
And 98 that one night he was really trashed.
Campus Hangout: Planned Parenthood
Favorite Food: Chowdah!
Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: He’s from small-town Pennsylvania, he attended a prestigious Quaker high school, he attended a prestigious Catholic college, and he emits a distinct odor of apple pie.
Immediate Impact: Jersey sales amongst downtrodden fans. Down the Road: Another generic disappointment.
This matchup might appear to be one-sided on paper: Brobdingnagian versus lowly abattoir wage slave. But before you jump to any rash conclusions, remember Andre was only slightly larger than your average steer. Plus, they know how to get rid of the bodies. Incidentally, this bracket is only more fucked up than my NCAA one (thanks, Temple and Georgia).
Poll is on the sidebar to the right. Voting is open until the end of today.
