With the Viking taking a small but noticeable lead over the Cowboy, all #1 seeds in the tournament have been safe thus far. Is this the matchup that changes all that? Will that literally huge Titan-Giant Elite Eight contest get derailed by ol’ Buffalo Bill and his trusty musket? We go right to the pros and cons and ask you, the fan, who would win in a fight… to the death! Indeed, QUIEN ES MAS MACHO?

NOTE: The poll is at the top of the sidebar to the right. Voting for each contest is open until the end of the day that it’s posted.

TITAN

Strengths:
-Big
-Strong
-God
-Begat other Gods
-Swallows own children
-Can produce ocean nymph in a relative snap
-Titan Rhea always quick with a one-liner when in the vicinity of drunken, lonely, know-it-all mailman
-Titan Atlas very good with directions to Shreveport

Weaknesses:
-Tough to fight with child’s arm stuck in mouth
-Goya interpretation leaves much to be desired. Not liking that shading
-Bony
-Cut yer hair, you goddamn Greek hippie
-Bug eyes suggest possible ancestor of Jennifer Wilbanks
-Possibly chained to rock, with eagle tearing at liver. Not fun
-Huh huh… Uranus
-Titan Phoebe easily the most annoying Titan hanging out at Central Perk
-Titan Hyperion published Candace Bushnell books. Fuck her, man
-Dude, this queer defeated you? Weak
-Atlas carrying quite a load there

Entrance Music:
“Gods of War,” Def Leppard

BILL

Strengths:
-Gun
-May have killed a Southerner or two
-Kinda looks like Robert Altman
-We’re assuming he’s ALIVE here, people
-Assisted in ridding cluttered American landscape of unsightly buffalo
-Did he fight at the Alamo? Let’s just assume he did.
-…….used to
-…….ride a watersmooth-silver
-………………….stallion
-and break onetwothreefourfive pigeonsjustlike that
-……………………………Jesus
-he was a handsome man
-………….and what i want to know is
-how do you like your blueeyed boy
-Mister Death

Weaknesses:
-Once worked as a “bullwhacker,” which is probably exactly what you think it is
-Mother’s maiden name was Laycock. What a whore.
-Pushed for the rights of Native Americans and women. What a bleeding heart!
-Nasty chaw habit

Entrance Music:
“One,” U2

Voting closes at the end of the day. Let the battle begin. ENTER THE OCTAGON!

Of all the things that could have brought the NFL to its knees – dog fighting, steroids, feuds with cable networks, Emmitt Smith being less articulate than a dog with peanut butter stuck on the roof of its mouth – it’s a little company called Identigene that may provide the league its crowning death blow.

Say hello to the world’s first over-the-counter paternity test. How does it work? Simply pee on the stick. If you see just one blue line, it means the test is negative. But if you see Travis Henry’s head appear…

…You got yourself a baby daddy.

Actually, that isn’t how it works at all. I’ll let the press kit explain.

The kits sit on shelves next to condoms (Ed. Note: presumably for the sake of irony)… A kit retails for $29.99. It contains cotton swabs for taking cells from inside the mouth. The cells are sealed in plastic bags and sent with a consent form and a $119 fee to a lab.

Results are available in three to five business days and can be accessed online.

In other words, you, Miss I-Left-My-Diaphragm-In-My-Other-Handbag-But-The-Moment-Feels-So-Right, will have to find a way to swab the inside of Shannon Sharpe’s cheeks without him noticing. Luckily, NFL players are notorious for their extreme obliviousness, so I have some tips for you to get those precious cheek cells!

-Staple swab to tongue, begin French kissing
-Do it while he’s sleeping. Randy Moss sleeps with his mouth so wide open, you could drop a paratrooper into it
-Tell him he’s got a piece of bacon caught in his rear grillz. Pretend to extract it
-Place halfway into vagina, invite cunnilingus (Bryant McKinnie only)

You have to do it for 30 to 45 seconds, which is longer than you think when someone is scraping tissue off the inside of your mouth. According to the article, these kits are now available nationwide, except in New York, where DNA testing requires a court order. I, for one, am very excited about the New York Lions playing the New York Texans in the 2029 Super Bowl. The company sold over 10,000 kits in just four scant months. And it’s easy to see why. Fuck, I’LL buy one. Who the hell knows if Darren McFadden accidentally banged the shit out of me once or twice?

There’s no doubt that this thing will be a godsend to all of Tom Brady’s mistresses. And we could see an incredible uptick in the documented presence of NFL progeny all across the country. Your local high school may be 35% Bengal. NOW you’ll know for sure!

My only concern is that they haven’t yet pioneered the over-the-counter abortion kit to balance it out. Identigene’s company slogan is “For Questions Only DNA Testing Can Answer.” And that’s not limited only to paternity. Here are more questions only DNA testing can answer:

-Am I a humpback whale?
-Was I ever a Kennedy?
-Can I dunk?
-Will I die of Parkinson’s? (Yes, you will.)
-Is that miniscule outcropping of hair on my back actually a nipple of some kind?
-Is there some sort of small rodent living inside my digestive tract?
-What color is my hair if I don’t dye it?
-Will I ever become a black man? (Unsilent Majority only)
-Is my small penis my father’s fault?
-Was I born with 11 toes, or did I pick up the bonus one somewhere along the way?
-I know who my daddy is. But who’s my UNCLE? That’s some shit I really gotta know.

We’re through the looking glass here, folks.

This intriguing matchup places the generously-seeded #1 Viking against the #4 Cowboy. Winner will face the Chief in the next round, which has to motivate the Cowboy as he steps into the Octagon. Further hindering the morose Norseman: the realization that everything cool about Vikings — horned helmets, skull cups, savage marauding, uncleanliness — is all bullshit. Ouch. Drew didn’t see that one coming.

Poll is on the sidebar to the right. Voting will remain open until the end of the day.

Since Boston College never won a national championship during the quarterback’s tenure, Matt Ryan jubilantly parades around the terricloth football trophy awarded to the winner of the Champs Sports Bowl. And that’s something…

It’s a seemingly lopsided 2-6 matchup. Could the very large Giant be looking past the relatively diminutive Coach Paul Brown? I think so, because Brown is short enough to be out of range of the Giant’s vision. Yes, this absolutely screams TRAP IMAGINARY FIGHT to me. But I, alas, am not the ultimate arbiter of this confrontation. YOU, fickle America, will be the one to decide! We go right to the pros and cons and ask you, the fan, who would win in a fight… to the death! Indeed, QUIEN ES MAS MACHO?

NOTE: The poll is at the top of the sidebar to the right. Voting for each contest is open until the end of the day that it’s posted.

GIANT

Strengths:
-Big
-Strong
-Jolly
-Hung like a redwood
-Deep green complexion may indicate that he’s powered by photosynthesis
-Could totally beat the fuck out of that old Bird’s Eye dude
-Convenient frozen mixed vegetables make for a lovely stir-fry when you’re in a pinch
-Keeps body well-toned using vigorous, population-crushing core exercises
-Deep friendship with half-brother Hagrid
-Adept at throwing castles
-If you need to reach the flour on the top shelf, he’s your man
-Can grow entire civilization inside footprint

Weaknesses:
-Jack
-Angry villagers with lots of rope and a good idea of when he may be napping in a valley
-HO HO HO is Santa’s line, you fucking dick
-Vision potentially obscured by low-hanging cloud
-Takes YEARS to put on sunscreen
-Can never find a private setting to evacuate bowels
-Driving? Forget about it.
-Leafy toga minidress makes me feel sexually uncomfortable
-Kinda gay
-Too large to be able to surf
-No blue ox?
-Pretty darn clumsy, if you believe the average Grimm fairy tale

Entrance Music:
“Big Me,” Foo Fighters

BROWN

Strengths:
-7-time world champion
-4-time Coach of the Year
-Cool hat
-Handsome profile
-Possibly made of stone
-Wily
-Crusty
-Savvy
-Constantly demanding excellence from players who just want some goddamn water

Weaknesses:
-Old
-Ohioan
-Not a Giant
-Unarmed
-Trenchcoat a touch constrictive
-Unwilling to loosen tie
-Very rigid, which means he could break easily

Entrance Music:
“Discipline,” Slayer

Voting closes at the end of the day. Let the battle begin. ENTER THE OCTAGON!

For absolutely no reason at all, we present you with the battle for supremacy amongst Native American mascots. Will it be the wisdom of the aged Chief, or the guy with a reddish hue? Only you can decide.

Competitors

Chief——————————————————Redskin

Probable Tribe
Wyandott————————————————-Patawomeck

Reach
Extends throughout his tribe——–As far as you can throw a tomahawk

Represented by…
Robert Parish———————————————Japazeus

Strengths
Stoic leadership, rebounding————–Duplicitousness, canoe building
Working with white man—————————-Working with white man

Leads to…
Formation of the 500 Nations————————Fancy new toys
3 titles with the Celtics——————————Abduction of Pocahontas

Weakness
Working with white man————————-Working with white man

Leads to…
Set-up by the FedEx guy—————-Destruction of an indigenous people

The poll is up on the top right and it will be open through the rest of the day. This should be intense!

[Giants voluntary off-season workouts]

Trainer: Lorenzen! You’ve put on another 10 pounds. Jesus, son. The season ain’t been over but a month and a half.

Lorenzen: [Entire chicken in mouth] Mmmpppharm aarrphumm eb fffajjmack

Eli Manning: Jared, I thought we agreed that you were gonna get more active this year. Y’know marking the 10th anniversary of the Subway Jared’s dropping 245 pounds. Strahan even got the secret from him: eating Subway sandwiches while recuperating from gastric bypass surgery.

Lorenzen: Haarrfff faarrfff nnnarrfff

Manning: Okay, uh, please take the chicken out of your mouth.

[Removes chicken, then another behind it]

Lorenzen: But the founder of Popeyes just died! It’s grief-related weight!

Manning: You do know the chain isn’t going anywhere, right? It’s a massive corporation with 1,800 locations in 20 countries. That guy probably wasn’t even involved with it at the time of his death.

Lorenzen: It’s not going away?

[Removes 12 biscuits from jacket and pants pockets, sheepishly places them on nearby table]

Manning: It can’t keep going on like this. I know, with David Carr coming in, you’ve fallen to fourth on the depth chart. But after Carr and I declare our love with a white-gloved double-suicide, you’ll be right behind Anthony Wright. You’ve got to be in game shape.

Lorenzen: Look: I’m incorporating extra movements into my daily routine like you said. I press at least three more buttons on the microwave than necessary. I took that flatscreen out of my fridge. I took the minifridge out of my nightstand. When I go to McDonald’s with my lady, I make sure to eat at least three napkins for vitamins. Don’t I, bacon bits?

Tamara Lorenzen: [mutters affirmative tone with chicken in mouth]

Lorenzen: I tried everything to deflect my mind from food. Really, I have.

Religion.

Art.

Even doting on our pets.

I tell you it don’t work! I’m just destined to be fatty forever and ever. It’s a curse I got to live with.

[Lorenzen sobs. Eli turns away in disgust, whereupon Lorenzen begins stuffing biscuits back in pocket]

KSK Reader Travis, via NFL.com, brings us Mike Rucker’s video of the Afghanistan trip taken by, among others, Peter King.

The fun starts at the 3:15 mark. I’m still not sure how they wound up taking that particular group. If they took Tank Johnson over there, the war would have been over by now.

Int. Jessica Simpson’s living room.

[cellphone rings]

Tony: You got Romo!

Nick: Yo, Tony, it’s Lachey!

Tony: Hey man, how’ve you been.

Nick: Same old shit. But hey, Mayer and I are in town and we had such a good time at the Cosmo awards we wanted to know if you could come out tonight?

Tony: Oh, I don’t know. Jess and I have dinner reservations, and then I’m penciled in for a solid hour of cuddle time.

Nick: Fuck that man, let’s go get some whores.

Tony: Damn, it has been awhile since I’ve had a good dirty fuck.

Nick: Jessica still thinks it’s gross?

Tony: You know it.

[unintelligible murmuring]

John: Tony, it’s Mayer.

Tony: Mayday!

John: Yeah, I have a way for you to get out of there. It worked for me once when I was supposed to go to one of Ashley’s concerts.

Tony: Oh yeah? But won’t Jess notice I’m gone.

John: Well that’s just it, you need a stand-in.

Tony: But I don’t have one.

John: Are you at Jessica’s place?

Tony: Yeah.

John: Perfect. One time I took Jessica to Six Flags and I won her a big stuffed doll. Whenever I needed to get away I’d just put it on the couch and slip away very slowly.

Tony: Where is it?

John: Check the back of the hall closet, I’ll hold on.

Tony: I don’t know, it certainly isn’t very lifelike.

John: Trust me, she’ll never even notice. She just needs something cute on her arm at all times. If anything, she’ll just think your cuddlier than usual.

Tony: OK, I’m doing it. I’ll meet you at the end of the block in five minutes… this better work.

John: Don’t worry about it.

Later that evening…

Image via WWTDD

While we’re busy trying to figure out which draft pick might possibly sign with which agent (because that’s interesting!), or telling you that Terry Bradshaw is dead, or pointing out that free agent contract you read about wasn’t quite as lucrative as originally reported, or re-reporting what Adam Schefter just said, or thinking of creative nicknames for reporters we don’t like (like Len Pastabelly, because he’s fat and Italian, and therefore must eat lots of pasta!), or posting YouTubes of PFTV from UHF Channel 61’s main shanty right in the heart of Morgantown, we at PFT like to talk.

On the phone.

We like it a lot.

That’s why we were so thrilled to switch over the other day to Sprint’s Simply Everything plan. They let us talk, text, send picture mail, and do so much more, all for just $99.99 a month!

Obviously, Sprint is the exclusive telecommunications partner of this site, but believe us when we say we wouldn’t endorse this plan if we didn’t think it was the best out there. And it is the best.

The absolute best.

It’s so good, it makes T-Mobile’s myFaves 600 plan look like Ocho Stinko! Ha ha!

Our guess is you won’t find a better plan anywhere else on the market. It’s the one we rely on to get in touch with our top NFL source (A sanitation worker named Manuel who works in the building just two blocks down from Valley Ranch) and let you know the real NFL scoop! Stuff like:

-Brett Favre might unretire!
-Then again, he might not!
-But if he does or doesn’t, we’ll be able to refer back as having predicted it!
-Chad Johnson might possibly be traded if we report the idea enough!
-We assume Roger Goodell will come down hard on a player or coach of some sort!
-Carl Peterson is a poopyhead!
-We think someone might get slapped with the franchise tag!
-We plot out various potential legal scenarios based on ever-shifting circumstances!
-We tell you that some big news might be forthcoming, and that we’ll know specific details when it happens!
-We learn about all the amazing wireless accessories Sprint has to offer!

Sprint lets us do all that and more! And. We. Love. It. So take it from us and switch today.

Would we ever lead you astray?