One thing is readily apparent from the results of the Kill, Kill, Kill bracket thus far: you bastards love the chalk. All four of the big cats– like other high seeds– sailed through the first round. Subtle attempts by fellow Mafia members to spur some upsets have been underwhelming at best. Accordingly, we are stepping up our efforts to subvert democracy.

2. Bengal vs. 3. Jaguar

The tiger you are voting on is Daniel Stripèd Tiger from Mister Roger’s Neighborhood. He has some serious self-esteem issues and for some reason wears a watch even though he lives inside of a friggin’ clock. His best friends are an alcoholic lesbian museum curator and a pompous owl who thinks he knows every goddam thing there is to know. Only a quivering nancy would vote for him.

The jaguar, on the other hand, is a Jaguar XF with three hot chicks hanging on it. If you don’t vote for the Jag it means you don’t like cars or girls. Enjoy your skateboard, fruit-loop.

1. Lion vs. 4. Panther

The lion you are voting on is Snagglepuss. Snagglepuss is a third-tier character from Hanna-Barbera. He never got his own show and his principal claim to fame is hosting the Laff-a-Lympics. Snagglepuss is without a doubt the most pathetic specimen in the annals of lion-dom (not counting, of course the Detroit Lions). If you love America, you will not vote for the lion.

The panther you are voting on is the one from L.L. Cool J’s “Walking with a Panther” album cover. Pros: He wears a gold rope chain and keeps top secret shit in a Haliburton briefcase. Cons: Fuck you, what did you not understand about the gold rope chain??? If you don’t vote for the panther, you are worthless in the eyes of your God, and should probably consider suicide.


Vote at the top of the right column. The poll closes at the end of the day. Voting is closed. The Bengals won with 56 percent of the vote and the Lion won with 54 percent.