Molested by Jack Hanna Regional 1st Round: No. 2 Bengal vs. No. 7 Dolphin. WHO YA GOT?
It’s our first and possibly only land-based-versus-aquatic-based mammalian showdown. Somebody has to haul the water tank into the Octagon and that’s no easy task. Thank goodness for illegal cheap well-compensated and duly represented labor.
Poll is on the sidebar to the right. Voting is open for roughly a day. Voting is closed on this contest. The Bengal won with 68 percent of the vote.
Bengal tiger________Dolphin
Screwy offspring
Old-school video gaming reference
Great Tiger_____Ecco The Dolphin
Claim to fame
Largest species of cat_______Pfft. SECOND smartest mammal.
Known to occasionally prey on
Young Asian elephants_____Humans who think they’re cute
Encourages you to
Fuck up people’s laundry (Okay, that’s a cheetah, but c’mon)____Give it fish
Finishing move
Jumping through flaming hoop, probably______Sex with fins for fun!
Tags: The KSK Real NFL Mascot Kill Kill Kill Invitational Tou, xmas ape
March 18th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
Will the tiger fight from land whil the dolphin fights from the water? Or will the tiger fight in the tank with the dolphin?
I’m assuming the later and going with the dolphin.
March 18th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
Phew, for a second there I thought a Wolphin was the offspring of a wolf and a dolphin. I’m pretty sure that would be the weirdest conception ever.
March 18th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Same here, I’m going with the dolphin, no way a tiger survives in the open ocean.
March 18th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
So long, and you’re welcome for all the fish.
March 18th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
Let’s not forget that tigers are damn good swimmers, unlike most cats. Since this is a water tank, I still give the kitteh solid odds.
March 18th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Dolphins kill sharks sometimes and are super fast. You HAVE to go with the dolphin here - the tiger wouldn’t have a chance.
March 18th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
A Hitch Hikers quote. At least I am not the only nerd in here.
March 18th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
im going with the bengal but only because i love kitty cats
March 18th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
C’monnnnnnnnn Dolphin!
March 18th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
I think dolphins can only kill sharks if there’s a bunch of them ganging up on one shark. This is one on one.
March 18th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
What if the tiger is outside of the high tank and the dolphin just swims around the whole time inside the tank? This could just be a ferociously boring stalemate.
/still votes for claws and fangs
March 18th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
I agree. The only way the Tiger could hurt the Dolphin is by entering its domain of the water tank. Advantage: Dolphin.
March 18th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
I have an ex-girlfriend who went swimming with dolphins once. The male rubbed up against her in a sexual manner.
Any animal smart enough to get off on a hot Cuban chick gets my vote.
March 18th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
Dolphin for the upset. It’s got something to prove: namely, that’s it’s not as completely fucking lame as the football team currently sullying its reputation.
March 18th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
Good luck Mr. Dolphin.
March 18th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
per Wiki: “Bengal tigers are also strong and frequent swimmers, often ambushing drinking or swimming prey or chasing prey that has retreated into water.” F that, that Dolphin will have nowhere to go in the tank of death. Advantage: Bengal
/apologizes for doing research
March 18th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
Flipper for the win.
March 18th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
I need a ruling from the overlords. The outcome is dictated by the fight’s logistics. You said there is a tank, so I assume the dolphin is in the tank. I don’t see the dolphin jumping out of the tank onto the floor of the Octagon. Is the tiger being dropped into the tank or is he outside, batting on the side of the tank trying to swat the dolphin through the glass? If you are dropping the tiger into the tank, how big is the tank? Is it deep enough for the dolphin to avoid the tiger’s lunges? Is it deep enough to drown the tiger?
See what I did there? I sucked all of the fun out of this exercise by pretending it was for real and nerdishly getting trapped in the details.
P.S., may I vote for the dolphin because I think that Cincinnati is an uninhabitable hellhole?
March 18th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
The tank is within the Octagon but it doesn’t take up the entire space. The tiger can sit outside it on land.
March 18th, 2008 at 3:59 pm
Also: the tank is fairly large and deep enough for the tiger to drown and the dolphin to avoid his swipes.
March 18th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
@rocco
Your research, though appreciated, is only valid to a point. Bengal tigers may be good swimmers… but they’re not dolphins. I mean, dolphins can jump OUT of the water, which means speed (and lots of it). I see the dolphin circling the tiger and repeatedly ramming it. No chance for the tiger.
In a water based fight, dolphin wins easily. Though arguing is moot because it looks like the tiger is taking this easily.
/ashamed
March 18th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
another thing to bear in mind is that if the bengal is showing up as a representative of the the cincinnati bengals, he may very well have a gun.
March 18th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
He also may be drunk and vomiting by the side of his car.
March 18th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
going with the Dolphin considering the home tank advantage. am hoping it enters the octagon to Ace Ventura’s so far over the top that it is embarrassing but then somehow funny again dolphin impression
March 18th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
Can we just let the tiger win so we don’t have to keep having these logistical arguments in future rounds? Arguing about an air based jet versus a water based dolphin will make my head asplode.
March 18th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
Ape, if you are implying that humans are the smartest mammal, I would remind you that tourist season is once again upon us, with families and student groups infesting the metro and the Hill like the cloud of locusts that they are.
March 18th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
does the tiger have access to a toaster and/or hair dryer?
fuck it, I’m still voting tiger
March 18th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
Couldn’t the tiger just hang out until the dolphin starves to death? I assume that the tiger could survive on Octagon referees/fans/concessions until the dolphin went belly-up in its tank.
March 18th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
Good point, smurphette. The Japanese need to take their cherry blossoms back.
March 18th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
Tigers are good swimmers yes, but this is the dolphins NATURAL FUCKING HABITAT!
Bears are good fishers but only by comparison, have you ever seen a bear fish? It’s a stream full of salmon and yet the bear still looks like it has downs.
Anyway, I see the dolphin getting the bengal all tired out then drowning the mother fucker.
Oh and remember whales/sharks dont hunt dolphins, wont even try. That should tell you something right there.
March 18th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
Pft, flipper totally has this in the bag.
March 18th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
For screwey offspring, you forgot “Lawfin” and “Jewfin,” and the bengal would get his posse to gun down the dolphin, no contest here
March 18th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
These very cogent analyses all say “dolphin for the win,” but the retards who are voting just look at the fangs and vote bengal.
The only way the tiger will win if she’s Tatiana, the deceased one from the San Francisco Zoo. Since she isn’t, the tiger will bat playfully at the side of the tank until it decides to jump in, upon which it will suffer the full fucking fury of nature’s most deceptively ferocious beast.
March 18th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
All kitty witty has to do is sharpen his claws for round two on the side of the tank a couple times. Tank empties. Dolphin drowns on that suffocating suffocating air. Kitty witty enjoys a tuna melt.
March 18th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
Plus, how do you know that ole Flipper there can’t scramble the brains of the Bengal using sonar? huh? You don’t!
March 18th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
Goddamn gay sharks…. That Liger looks badass. Can’t wait to see Sigfried incorporate that into a show.
March 18th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
@quiet
(I dont know why i’m taking this so seriously but it’s personal)
You’re assuming kitty has the smarts to realize that breaking the glass will solve it’s problem. We’re talking about an animal that worshims catnip.
Also, dolphins are a mamal, it’d be a dolphin burger.
Also, I blame the selection commitee, seeding the Dolphin 7th, c’mon, they’re at least a 5 seed.
March 18th, 2008 at 4:56 pm
Oh…I guess a tuna melt would consist of tuna… … …but still!
March 18th, 2008 at 4:57 pm
I could just see a ridiculous standoff between the tiger and dolphin, where they both sit/float? in front of each other till one dies. Is this the Dolphin from Seaquest because that fucker was pretty smart.
March 18th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
I assume even if it was a standoff, the dolphin would splash water at the tiger to get it pissed off, thus making it jump in the tank where it would be at the dolphin’s mercy.
/kind of bummed the vote isn’t closer
March 18th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
I dunno, since the tiger has to jump into the tank, this is kinda skewed towards the dolphin’s favor. Maybe if you try to make a jungle within the octagon in which a dolphin swims in a ravine, maybe it would be more even.
/trying to hard
March 18th, 2008 at 5:09 pm
Please allow me to point out that as an air-breathing mammal (you know that hole on the top of the dolphin’s head? It’s not for fucking), the dolphin will not “drown” or suffocate on air. It may lie there while the tiger tears it to shreds, but it will be breathing air right until the end.
As the smarter animal, it is much more likely that the dolphin will figure a way to entice the tiger into the tank before the tiger can concoct a plan to get the dolphin out.
It’s just as well that the tiger is winning. If the dolphin wins, it pretty much floats into the Final Four. I am assuming that the other cats will win their first round matchups. Lions, panthers and jaguars will fair no better against the dolphin than will the bengal.
Look, I even analyzed the bracket to predict a member of the Final Four. Who’s the biggest geek now?
March 18th, 2008 at 5:15 pm
Look. This is a football website, right? We’re comparing football teams’ namesakes, right? The encounter should take place on a football field, don’t you think?
Face them off at the 50-yard line and Shere Khan eats Flipper, no problem.
March 18th, 2008 at 5:18 pm
but why not just put the octagon with the tank in it on the football field?
March 18th, 2008 at 5:32 pm
I think we are all just projecting the bear vs. shark arguments onto this matchup… and no way that shit is ever getting solved
March 18th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
By the way, as a resident of the Emerald Coast, I can tell you the easiest way to kill dolphins is to feed them from your boat
March 18th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
I don’t think Tony the Tiger there is going to be captaining a boat into Flippers tank.
Flipper ftw! Anything horny enough for CC is good for me to vote for.
March 18th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
It’ll be the dolphin by forfeit. Everyone knows the bengal will be in jail and/or suspended by the commissioner for the fight.
March 18th, 2008 at 6:34 pm
All I got from that snopes article is that women are sneaky bitches.
March 18th, 2008 at 6:43 pm
This has the makings of Ali v Foreman.
Dolphin swims around just out of the tigers reach. The tiger tires out and is an easy kill.
Problem only occurs if the dolphin hits its head at any point. Dolphins are easy to concuss - ask Trent Green.
Advantage: Dolphin.
March 18th, 2008 at 6:56 pm
I think the tiger just sits on the edge of the tank, like every cartoon strip ever drawn. Then when the mammal comes up to breathe, swats the fucker in the head. As a Bills fan, ain’t no way in fuckin hell I’d vote for a dolphin for anything.
March 18th, 2008 at 6:56 pm
Tiger. The Dolphin would shit himself when that jumped in the water.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/worldnews.html?in_article_id=458282&in_page_id=1811
March 18th, 2008 at 7:18 pm
now you know i’m going dolphin on this one.
even though they’re mad gay…having blowholes and whatnot.
March 18th, 2008 at 8:58 pm
I know it was touched on earlier, but it bears repeating: Snowflake loves hot chicks
March 18th, 2008 at 10:41 pm
I’m sorry, but there is no fucking way I’m voting for a pansy-ass Dolphin to kick any mascot’s ass at anything. Just look deep into their hear of hearts: A Bengal Tiger is a ferocious killing machine, who silently stalks inside the shadow-laden canopy of the jungle, waiting to devour his unsuspecting prey. A Dolphin likes to laugh and play, will clap for mackerel and secretly wants to bang hot chicks.
Even with the water advantage, one swipe from the tiger’s paw and the dolphin will scurry down into the bottom depths of the tank, waiting until the danger has vanished. The tiger, on the other hand, is a crafty and cunning predator, and he’ll patiently wait at the edge of the tank, for the dolphin to come back up for air. When it does, the tiger will strike again. Oh, maybe not inflicting a lethal blow, but after enough scratches the dolphin will eventually bleed to death.
This will be an excruciatingly long and slow match. The Bengal Tiger, however, doesn’t kill for your amusement. No, the tiger kills because that is what it was born to do.
March 18th, 2008 at 11:02 pm
Death Spares Not The Tiger
March 19th, 2008 at 12:30 am
That’s all fine and good, Xmas Ape, but me and my garbage bag full of popcorn are going to watch Honk If You’re Horny, instead.
March 19th, 2008 at 1:00 am
I’ll leave you all with this tidbit (read down to the part about the Bottlenose Dolphin) so you can realize that not only will the dolphin kill and mutilate the tiger, it will sodomize its dead carcass. Literally.
http://www.cracked.com/article_15853_6-cutest-animals-that-can-still-destroy-you.html
March 19th, 2008 at 2:19 am
What’s wrong with all of you clueless losers? Haven’t you ever seen Flipper? Bud and Sandy had that killer honed to a fine edge as far as killing sharks goes. That tiger would be swimming in circles and Flipper would take his time ramming the tiger over and over until it’s over. Kinda like porn, but better!
March 19th, 2008 at 9:10 am
any mascot with the presence of mind to dry hump (er, wet hump?) a Jessica Alba SO should have won this.