[Giants voluntary off-season workouts]


Trainer: Lorenzen! You’ve put on another 10 pounds. Jesus, son. The season ain’t been over but a month and a half.

Lorenzen: [Entire chicken in mouth] Mmmpppharm aarrphumm eb fffajjmack

Eli Manning: Jared, I thought we agreed that you were gonna get more active this year. Y’know marking the 10th anniversary of the Subway Jared’s dropping 245 pounds. Strahan even got the secret from him: eating Subway sandwiches while recuperating from gastric bypass surgery.

Lorenzen: Haarrfff faarrfff nnnarrfff

Manning: Okay, uh, please take the chicken out of your mouth.

[Removes chicken, then another behind it]

Lorenzen: But the founder of Popeyes just died! It’s grief-related weight!

Manning: You do know the chain isn’t going anywhere, right? It’s a massive corporation with 1,800 locations in 20 countries. That guy probably wasn’t even involved with it at the time of his death.

Lorenzen: It’s not going away?

[Removes 12 biscuits from jacket and pants pockets, sheepishly places them on nearby table]

Manning: It can’t keep going on like this. I know, with David Carr coming in, you’ve fallen to fourth on the depth chart. But after Carr and I declare our love with a white-gloved double-suicide, you’ll be right behind Anthony Wright. You’ve got to be in game shape.

Lorenzen: Look: I’m incorporating extra movements into my daily routine like you said. I press at least three more buttons on the microwave than necessary. I took that flatscreen out of my fridge. I took the minifridge out of my nightstand. When I go to McDonald’s with my lady, I make sure to eat at least three napkins for vitamins. Don’t I, bacon bits?


Tamara Lorenzen: [mutters affirmative tone with chicken in mouth]

Lorenzen: I tried everything to deflect my mind from food. Really, I have.

Religion.


Art.


Even doting on our pets.


I tell you it don’t work! I’m just destined to be fatty forever and ever. It’s a curse I got to live with.

[Lorenzen sobs. Eli turns away in disgust, whereupon Lorenzen begins stuffing biscuits back in pocket]