Welcome back to another year of Better Know A Draft Pick. Leading up to the draft we’ll profile all the top prospects that are worth knowing.


Name: Matt Ryan
Nickname: Matty Ice

Easy Reasons to Hate Him Sight Unseen: Did you see that fucking nickname? Then there’s the issue of the two first names. I bet he enjoys a good balcony party.

Height: Plenty
Weight: Enough

Arm: Yes.
Speed: No.
Head: Wicked clevah!
Intangibles: Still unquantifiable.

Urine Sample: Golden.
Stool Sample: Smooth under extreme pressure.
Blood Sample: Blue.

Mainstream Comparison: Tom Brady
KSK Comparison: Joe from Team America

Best Known For: Overblown comebacks, beating crappy teams in bowl games, padding stats against really crappy teams, and leadership.

Who Wants Him: Kansas City loves his ability to win games for bad teams.

Who Will Take Him: Atlanta loves him because he’s safer than your girlfriend’s gay shopping buddy.

Hobbies: 94, 51, 56, and the one on the far right…

And 98 that one night he was really trashed.

Campus Hangout: Planned Parenthood

Favorite Food: Chowdah!

Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: He’s from small-town Pennsylvania, he attended a prestigious Quaker high school, he attended a prestigious Catholic college, and he emits a distinct odor of apple pie.

Immediate Impact: Jersey sales amongst downtrodden fans.
Down the Road: Another generic disappointment.