Better Know a Draft Pick: Glenn Dorsey
Welcome back to another year of Better Know A Draft Pick. Leading up to the draft we’ll profile all the top prospects that are worth knowing.
Name: Glenn Jamon Dorsey
Nickname: “Putt”
Origin: A young Glenn was so enraptured by Putt-Putt commercials as a young child he would stand up and walk to the television whenever they come on. He’s also the anonymous author behind Putt’s Law.
Hometown: The Jambalaya Capital of the World, Gonzales, Louisiana.
Height: Tall enough to ride the ride.
Weight: 297? Maybe on Uranus. (ed. note: Uranus!)
Strength: Belied by fat.
Urine Sample: Tangy.
Stool Sample: Still caked on the bathroom floor.
Blood Sample: Red.
Early Setback: Had to wear metal braces as a child to correct bowed legs.
Mainstream Comparison: Warren Sapp
KSK Comparison: Forrest Gump
Strengths: He has the feet of a ballerina. Literally, he ripped off her feet at the ankles in a disturbing display of strength.
Weaknesses: Chop blocks and crawdads.
Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics: Earlier in the month erroneous reports indicated that Dorsey had a secret knee surgery. Some believed this was the reason Dorsey accumulated a mere 27 tackles and 3 sacks last season, while people who are not total dumbfucks realize that he was triple-teamed more often than Kobe Tai.
The Truth: He doesn’t actually have knees, they just stuffed a bunch of old socks in between his femur and tibia.
Best Known For: Winning the National Championship along with every collegiate award imaginable for a defensive player.
Who Wants Him: Cincinnati
Who Will Take Him:Oakland
Favorite Food: Buffet
Story ESPN Will Shove Down Your Throat: He dabbles as a motivational speaker, for kids! His inspirational overriding message, “dream big,” comes from an influential dream he had about eating the world’s most glazed ham.
Immediate Impact: An explosive force.
Down the Road: A pronounced limp.
Previously on BKADP: Matt Ryan
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March 31st, 2008 at 11:30 am
No, you’re schmoopy.
March 31st, 2008 at 11:34 am
How will his duties with the Boston Celtics affect his draft stock?
March 31st, 2008 at 12:07 pm
Only UM can tie in Mark Twain and the queen of anal gangbangs in the same paragraph. Bravo, good sir.
March 31st, 2008 at 12:48 pm
Smoke a little weed pre-draft like Sapp. You get a little less money, but you’ll end up on a contender.
Just don’t get busted for weed, or you’ll definitely end up on the Bengals.
Getting constantly triple teamed.
Like Kobe Tai.
March 31st, 2008 at 5:59 pm
yah i kinda wanderd off after the Kobe Tai refrence, but im sure the rest was top notch UM
March 31st, 2008 at 9:31 pm
Thanks for making me look up all the female porn stars in wikipedia’s database at work UM. I’m sure there’s no way the gestapo knew what I was doing this afternoon.
/fuck